Everyone (which includes pretty much me myself and i) i wish to make a grand announcement. Today is the checkpoint. Ive finally reached the gate. This metaphorically gate refers to the gate of meditation and opening the gate and going through it make take more months and going back and forth but still. I see what lies ahead of me and its a new thomas. Meditation is not a step backward anymore. I will live happy and sucessful. I will fulfill my dream as a human. Its going to be hard. im sure insanity isnt too far behind and especially in the beginning i might stagger and stray into the past...but everyday ive tried meditating more and more. ive reached the point where i can manually transfer a small amount of heat to my hands alone. Not bad for someone trying to find their center again. And ive disciplined myself for sessions with spans of 3 hours long. Returning fine and without insanity, but very exhausted XD. I wouldnt say i meditated..i simply earned a calm mind. A stable mind. With this said i will now move onto my new blog. If you want the link please ask. The new blog will be my present self and it WILL affect me if i spread it to the wrong people so i will choose wisely. Aside from that, i can say my sophmore year is starting strong. even though i see bad habits forming such as me being up at 3am when i have a 9am to 1 pm class soon, hopefully it doesnt affect me too much. This is what i signed up for when i decided to meditate. Unfortunately, since i made a solid decision in the last blog post i couldn't pull away from the thought of meditation completely knowing that i might be taking steps backwards. But with that resolve im now carving out a new path one with strength and anger but happiness and yes i do see the campibility of capping my skills. I dont want to drown in my own thoughts again regardless of it being happy or angry. I wish to be a person with emotions but think reasonably and logically. I have already experienced some contradictions because meditation requires a completely unbiased mind and an unbias mind requires a lack of emotion. Ill deal with it though. Theres always a double win. Hopefully from here on out ill serve to be a better person to myself. As for quitting smoking, I think it can stick around for a bit longer XD. Im speaking of this as if its the end of something but honestly its just the beginning. Im really excited with the first enlightenment i had just moments ago. :]
I am currently learning the two most generic types of meditation. Id like to name them fierce meditation and sleep meditation. Both of them ive mastered before im just taking a different path. fierce meditation is what involves me manipulating the heat. stimulating the physical body to complete task. This one..since i am not even meditating yet does nothing but drain my energy. Its like earning money(energy) just to burn it for the sake of learning how to use it. Its very tiresome and if i used anger or adrenline rush this branch would grow exponentially but i refuse to use anger as a energy source..instead i will use fear because i wish to feel fear even though i hate it. The second type is sleep meditation. relaxation meditation. This is more mental and since i cannot meditate now my mind is just blank and i just go into a deep almost lazy mode. When i snap out of it my body feels super exhausted but thats because i was in a deep/light sleep. after five mins, if done properly, i would have more energy than i had before. This mediation will help the other branch as the other branch will help this one. But thats in time. I just wanted to document this for future reference XD
well without further adue, CYA! i love you.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Im scared to type this entry. Im stable because i am like a 2x4 on a ball with a weight on both extremities...keeping balance...shaky. Eh. There are reasons unknown to me right now what i am doing with my life. I kinda threw everything out the window...Everything i strive for, lived for, cared for. They were objectives i made due to events in the past, obviously. For any other average human being that is completely logical..but for me its unethical. My yearning to sever myself has made me want to hold on tighter. Balancing on the ball. I know that if i throw myself into my comfort zone and meditation..mind.. that would be everything but productive. I could be stuck there forever, god knows if i would ever give a shit to become a engineer, live life, go out. Im troubled. I was very close to jumping into my hole..thanks to colin he slapped some sense into me, i could not thank him enough. I still need a long time to recuperate. Social life will be severed for a while. Im not ready for my new blog. i like this one :]. life shouldnt be so black and white. change should be gradual. blah.
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. I do not remember a single scene from this movie. This is what still cease to fascinate me. I told her "hey i got recommended to watch (ESOTSM) so im torrenting it now can you make sure it downloads cause ima chill in my bedroom" she says, "Wtf? we already watched this movie before..dont you remember? we watched it together!" I was caught off guard cause there are still alot of memories i dont remember and this struck me as odd cause things usually at least sound at least the slightest bit FAMILIAR but it didnt. i said "Well, uhh was it good? what is it about?..did you like it?" I have never forgotten something so completely when it came to family. especially movies! i think im a movie geek and id be like oh yeah after watching a couple scenes. i didnt remember a single scene. she said i got emotional during the movie and she said it sucked. After watching the movie again all the peices fit and i thought..i must have watched this movie right before i lost my memory. Sure enough the movie came out 2004...The reason why i forgot it so completely is because its about a man that erased a female from her memory..i wouldnt be surprised if this movie gave me the idea to try it. haha. Poor old thomas must have been crying instead seeing this movie..
Anywho. I still need to meditate. You cant turn on a firehose then just let go and think everything will subside. I feel like theres so much things in my life that needs proper attention that i just thought i can let go of after i forgot things. well...it doesnt work like that. I need it controlled though..blah idk how to do it...i dont know anything. but i dont care! cause i got all my life to figure out :]
I need a smoke. I've been smoking cheap cigs for so long XD cant wait to get paid and buy a decent pack and just enjoy one under the within some shade...holding a book. haha
I feel like theres still so much more to say. There is so much more to say. But it isnt for this blog entry. not not. not yet. Hopefully later.
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. I do not remember a single scene from this movie. This is what still cease to fascinate me. I told her "hey i got recommended to watch (ESOTSM) so im torrenting it now can you make sure it downloads cause ima chill in my bedroom" she says, "Wtf? we already watched this movie before..dont you remember? we watched it together!" I was caught off guard cause there are still alot of memories i dont remember and this struck me as odd cause things usually at least sound at least the slightest bit FAMILIAR but it didnt. i said "Well, uhh was it good? what is it about?..did you like it?" I have never forgotten something so completely when it came to family. especially movies! i think im a movie geek and id be like oh yeah after watching a couple scenes. i didnt remember a single scene. she said i got emotional during the movie and she said it sucked. After watching the movie again all the peices fit and i thought..i must have watched this movie right before i lost my memory. Sure enough the movie came out 2004...The reason why i forgot it so completely is because its about a man that erased a female from her memory..i wouldnt be surprised if this movie gave me the idea to try it. haha. Poor old thomas must have been crying instead seeing this movie..
Anywho. I still need to meditate. You cant turn on a firehose then just let go and think everything will subside. I feel like theres so much things in my life that needs proper attention that i just thought i can let go of after i forgot things. well...it doesnt work like that. I need it controlled though..blah idk how to do it...i dont know anything. but i dont care! cause i got all my life to figure out :]
I need a smoke. I've been smoking cheap cigs for so long XD cant wait to get paid and buy a decent pack and just enjoy one under the within some shade...holding a book. haha
I feel like theres still so much more to say. There is so much more to say. But it isnt for this blog entry. not not. not yet. Hopefully later.
Monday, August 23, 2010
49 Yui-Again
So its getting really hard to live the life i am right now. Im still holding back my meditation for several people in my life. After i make a definitive decision i dont turn back and i need my alone time. feeling emotions and getting close to people and shit was fun but yeahh now i think its time. call me a drama queen or w/e but sometimes people like need to let go. please..let me go.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
new past.
Everytime i tell someone about my past it is so symbolic to the person i am and want to become its a instant reality check whenever i do it and i change greatly with each experience. Thats why i choose very special people to tell.
(side note it reminds me of these lyrics)
Atreyu- Who died
Who died in the systematic process that we call life
each indiscriminate event leading itself to the total destruction
the total nihilation of the beauty and spark of mankinds history
each failure is so symbolic of whats past and what yet left to be
un-dead or am i really dying
whos to say that this is eternity
devoid of serenity
brings us closer to a label of hell
here we go are all we all dead
whats the stop, wheres the end
whats the stop, where do i end
With this said i want to finally make that last step with R0SE5 behind me i will force myself into a future. New blog and everything. The stop is here and the end is near. There is alot to be done. I've decided to start meditating again and seriously this time. Since i havent thought about it at all for the past month that means im going to have to put in maybe four to five hours a day just to get something by the end of the month..probably two months. (like i said im estimating a decade before i can actually mediate again) My life has changed alot. I am no longer looking for love but i continue to try to make as many people as happy as possible and still i strive for my search of true beauty. Since i know it isnt within love, True beauty must exist somewhere in this world...perhaps it does exist in love..but thats the innocent belief i no longer wish to wait or search for. academics meditation and pool. I'd be lucky if i talk to anyone..but that came with the package when were talking about trying to learn how to meditate and becoming a mechanical engineer. Hopefully i dont start hating people again. I realized that in order to be human...(i feel like i am very human already but that final push that doesnt keep me in the middle is ironicly, a step back within the realms of my mind) i must learn how to meditate. In order to live normally and strive to be a typical blue collar citizen with the american dream by my side, i have to fear death...right now i fear life more than anything. That became apparent with my talk with emily. So without further adue. cheer to life. When i begin to meditate i dont expect to blog much anyways. Its almost impossible to talk to people about the thoughts or document it at all without damaging yourself...thats probably why society hears so little about it. Even masters, have to watch how much they speak about it because "In order to obtain something you must first give something of equal value in return, that is the law to the equivelent exchange" You are literally giving knowledge with you are learning the truth (for me, relearning.) yeah..god or well..the balance of the world doesnt like that. so it brings very bad karma to those who discipline themselves then abuse it. Thats why i didnt say much about meditation at ALL in my earlier post..but ehh that is years ahead of me though. Ask me questions while you can! XD PUSH PUSH PUSH TEGGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
(side note it reminds me of these lyrics)
Atreyu- Who died
Who died in the systematic process that we call life
each indiscriminate event leading itself to the total destruction
the total nihilation of the beauty and spark of mankinds history
each failure is so symbolic of whats past and what yet left to be
un-dead or am i really dying
whos to say that this is eternity
devoid of serenity
brings us closer to a label of hell
here we go are all we all dead
whats the stop, wheres the end
whats the stop, where do i end
With this said i want to finally make that last step with R0SE5 behind me i will force myself into a future. New blog and everything. The stop is here and the end is near. There is alot to be done. I've decided to start meditating again and seriously this time. Since i havent thought about it at all for the past month that means im going to have to put in maybe four to five hours a day just to get something by the end of the month..probably two months. (like i said im estimating a decade before i can actually mediate again) My life has changed alot. I am no longer looking for love but i continue to try to make as many people as happy as possible and still i strive for my search of true beauty. Since i know it isnt within love, True beauty must exist somewhere in this world...perhaps it does exist in love..but thats the innocent belief i no longer wish to wait or search for. academics meditation and pool. I'd be lucky if i talk to anyone..but that came with the package when were talking about trying to learn how to meditate and becoming a mechanical engineer. Hopefully i dont start hating people again. I realized that in order to be human...(i feel like i am very human already but that final push that doesnt keep me in the middle is ironicly, a step back within the realms of my mind) i must learn how to meditate. In order to live normally and strive to be a typical blue collar citizen with the american dream by my side, i have to fear death...right now i fear life more than anything. That became apparent with my talk with emily. So without further adue. cheer to life. When i begin to meditate i dont expect to blog much anyways. Its almost impossible to talk to people about the thoughts or document it at all without damaging yourself...thats probably why society hears so little about it. Even masters, have to watch how much they speak about it because "In order to obtain something you must first give something of equal value in return, that is the law to the equivelent exchange" You are literally giving knowledge with you are learning the truth (for me, relearning.) yeah..god or well..the balance of the world doesnt like that. so it brings very bad karma to those who discipline themselves then abuse it. Thats why i didnt say much about meditation at ALL in my earlier post..but ehh that is years ahead of me though. Ask me questions while you can! XD PUSH PUSH PUSH TEGGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Goodnight, Travel Well.
If I gave you pretty enough words
Could you paint a picture of us that works
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human...
After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
Live, Love, Burn, Die
3:07amE "haha too bad im not there babe, so you need to find another alternative"
3:08amT "I got clos to a french girl its her dorm but i cant"
3:08amE "go ahead idc."
3:11amT "No lol Kevin in here haha"
3:12amE "lol wait til he sleeps then"
3:13amT "how bout i wait til you get here lol wow i type better who my eyeis closed lol all the futuoms come from muscle memory XP"
3:15amE "Hahaha naah go ahead cuz i definitely cant get there today so go have some fun"
3:17amT "In on the couc already lol i decided to grab the couch before i do somethinl i would regres :] now in now longing at my phone at all uh.gr is so cool :]"
3:17amE "lol oh well it's your own dick that you're forcing to suffer, poor lil tommy he wants a warm and wet message"
3:21amT "haha i would do anything to sale back a decade me my life t... more than half me me life haha thats a long time o.o"
3:22amT "i need another drink."
3:23amE "Cuz you regret a lot and you want your innocence back?"
3:28amT "I want to be my age but i shouldn't want to did or give my life for another. There is alot me love in this world i will never see. It obliq me sad"
3:30amE "why wouldnt you be able to see all the love in the world?"
3:35amT "Cause true love is everything negative in this world if you arent ready for it. I can never feel innocent love oning its real forw. Hell in a call with a pretty bow i dont want to did again"
3:39amT "You dont understand how much i wish tomorrow is my last. But i refuse to do it myself just to spite the thought. I want to live. Human."
3:50amE "its okay to be afraid b.c you were hurt when you were young and didnt know how to handle the pain. But without pain how would you be able to appreciate the good things in your life? you shouldnt write the rest of your life out as a tragedy b.c life is what you make of it. We all get hurt but we fight back. you need to too. You hide behind your wall of giggles and laughter but i know that inside you're scared. But you have to open yourself up and let yourself be truely happy."
4:03amT "Thats why i in to northeastern and talk to people like you and try to reach my goals but in the end i always realize in runnin from the truth in always alle back to the part i belong in the world without people. Where i can take the truth to the grave because im three me wanting to well the truth about the world out. Its beautifully imperfect and i will not quin that. so i remain silent in hopes that the old thomas can forget enough for me to live im sorry in too drunk. i said too much.
4:12amE "I love you thomas. you have no idea how much i want to take away your pain for you to be free from all these thoughts that you have. You need to breathe and let these thoughts out. Seems like you know that they are bad for you and are controlling your life but you let them"
4:22amT "Its fine. I'll be fine when in sober. imm too awesod to have it hurt meI worry about nothing except putting one foot in front of the other. Its just impossible to be boomsletl normal when you realize everythi in life that invokes lover with is everythi its... diferent. Passion material need desire love within everything is different. I know i can love again. I night just need to marry the next girl i love thoug causm i cant risk my life anymor. I hope yo under"
4:27amE "I do understand. thats why im walking away now and letting you find your girl. good night.
4:27amT ":[ night. in sorry."
The most passionate drunk talk ive ever managed to have. I have so much respect for her. fuck. Im sorry. My life..in a nutshell. Thats a idiom metaphor. because its in..a shell..get it? >.> okay. nvm lol
Could you paint a picture of us that works
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human...
After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
Live, Love, Burn, Die
3:07amE "haha too bad im not there babe, so you need to find another alternative"
3:08amT "I got clos to a french girl its her dorm but i cant"
3:08amE "go ahead idc."
3:11amT "No lol Kevin in here haha"
3:12amE "lol wait til he sleeps then"
3:13amT "how bout i wait til you get here lol wow i type better who my eyeis closed lol all the futuoms come from muscle memory XP"
3:15amE "Hahaha naah go ahead cuz i definitely cant get there today so go have some fun"
3:17amT "In on the couc already lol i decided to grab the couch before i do somethinl i would regres :] now in now longing at my phone at all uh.gr is so cool :]"
3:17amE "lol oh well it's your own dick that you're forcing to suffer, poor lil tommy he wants a warm and wet message"
3:21amT "haha i would do anything to sale back a decade me my life t... more than half me me life haha thats a long time o.o"
3:22amT "i need another drink."
3:23amE "Cuz you regret a lot and you want your innocence back?"
3:28amT "I want to be my age but i shouldn't want to did or give my life for another. There is alot me love in this world i will never see. It obliq me sad"
3:30amE "why wouldnt you be able to see all the love in the world?"
3:35amT "Cause true love is everything negative in this world if you arent ready for it. I can never feel innocent love oning its real forw. Hell in a call with a pretty bow i dont want to did again"
3:39amT "You dont understand how much i wish tomorrow is my last. But i refuse to do it myself just to spite the thought. I want to live. Human."
3:50amE "its okay to be afraid b.c you were hurt when you were young and didnt know how to handle the pain. But without pain how would you be able to appreciate the good things in your life? you shouldnt write the rest of your life out as a tragedy b.c life is what you make of it. We all get hurt but we fight back. you need to too. You hide behind your wall of giggles and laughter but i know that inside you're scared. But you have to open yourself up and let yourself be truely happy."
4:03amT "Thats why i in to northeastern and talk to people like you and try to reach my goals but in the end i always realize in runnin from the truth in always alle back to the part i belong in the world without people. Where i can take the truth to the grave because im three me wanting to well the truth about the world out. Its beautifully imperfect and i will not quin that. so i remain silent in hopes that the old thomas can forget enough for me to live im sorry in too drunk. i said too much.
4:12amE "I love you thomas. you have no idea how much i want to take away your pain for you to be free from all these thoughts that you have. You need to breathe and let these thoughts out. Seems like you know that they are bad for you and are controlling your life but you let them"
4:22amT "Its fine. I'll be fine when in sober. imm too awesod to have it hurt meI worry about nothing except putting one foot in front of the other. Its just impossible to be boomsletl normal when you realize everythi in life that invokes lover with is everythi its... diferent. Passion material need desire love within everything is different. I know i can love again. I night just need to marry the next girl i love thoug causm i cant risk my life anymor. I hope yo under"
4:27amE "I do understand. thats why im walking away now and letting you find your girl. good night.
4:27amT ":[ night. in sorry."
The most passionate drunk talk ive ever managed to have. I have so much respect for her. fuck. Im sorry. My life..in a nutshell. Thats a idiom metaphor. because its in..a shell..get it? >.> okay. nvm lol
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
idk
So there is SO much to blog about. my fucking god. i dont know where to start and i might have to just type about it in another entry. Im typing this blog cause i cracked. I realized my life isnt going good for me at all. Theres nothing i want yet i want so much. Im bipolar and its driving me nuts. Just after a summer search reunion i snapped...cause i realized i was suddenly jealous and sad cause Van (my ex) might be going out with someone else in the program. This sudden rush of emotion was so unsettling that i had to leave early. Why am i jealous/sad about this? My theory is weird. its probably because shes beautiful..inside and out. Thats why she was my gf regardless of how bipolar she was. I think she changed and she grew to be more beautiful than before. Now she has found a guy i feel is a man because he is a good friend of mine and i know he can and will treat her right. Thats why im jealous/sad. I am attracted to her slightly. But why am i not the usual thomas and just be happy for those that are happy? thats what i do. This is the first time i felt like this and happiness is being sucked out of me because ever since the last post i feel like everything has been going nowhere but down. I held my poise. Sigh* its not holding so steadfast. I need something to occupy me besides pool and reading because its depressing. I dont feel productive. I also lost all sight of meditation completely and have no focus. This drives me nuts cause now i have nothing to turn to. This happened due to the fact that if i do meditate and i do find myself then i will make a choice and choose myself or people. I can no longer see gray after hurting so much. What to do thomas what to do? what happen to the cup always half full? what happened to making as many people happy as possible. Now i hurt everyone i touch and i continue to as i become more bipolar. I've been trying to hide the fact that i am spiraling but when i realized i became jealous/sad seeing van. that completely threw me off. Idk. Its probably my music. Ive been listening to White Lies alott and it is quite depressing lyrics but the songs are so beautiful so they just perpetuate the situation lol. Im a mess. I dont know if anyone can help me. I dont know if i can help myself. Wtf is going on?
Monday, July 5, 2010
45th post
I dont believe it. ive posted more than double almost triple of what i ever could imagine. It shows stablility because i can only post when Im not confused or in a mental state of chaos. If you havent noticed ive been posting less though. Thats because ive been trying to quit smoking. And because of multiple other things. Why am i such a fuckin depressed person? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy living. lol. Its hard. Fuck. my adrenaline rush is so inconsistent so i find myself needing to smoke more or les now. I need to stop feeling so depressed. I hate this feeling. I was never depressed before i became human because whenever i felt sad it would either completely dissipate or i'd find it fueling my anger. Wtf. wtf. can someone slap me? i dont need a hug i dont need anyone. I just want to be happy with who i am..im just sitting here at work right now. zzzz. This chapter of my life: depression. Fml. Lets see if i can make shit happen
Friday, July 2, 2010
turmoil
This is perhaps the only time ever since my last blog post where i feel something so strongly that i can write about it. I wanted to write something several times now because of the crazy shit thats happen to me but every time i look at the prvious blog post i realize that that is the problem right now and that is what i should be worrying about, everything else became obsolete. Just now there is another feeling that trumps the distress the last one caused and the last problem wasn't considered shit compared to the feeling i have now. In fact, i changed my life goal because i feel as if theres no need to meditate or find a girl, thats unnecessary for me. What im feeling right now is how people feel when every path leads to a bad ending. I have this haunting feeling that ive reached a threshold and regardless of which way i go, im fucked. It makes me very troubled and anxious. I hope this clears up and i find a way out by the end of today, hopefully the end of the week.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
White Lies- Death
For i think..well..everyone in my life i dont think this would affect them enough to notice cause i barely actually TALK to anyone. Not after i argued with Hoac, i dont even talk with her everyday anymore. I've decided to follow through with it. With my unstable personality, There is nothing left to do that's productive except focus on who i am right now. I hate hurting people. I hurt so many people with the thoughts i have in this blog. It sucks cause it never turned out right when i am honest with people. I want it to stop and i'm going to try to unlock that fighting spirit if i can again and dive straight into it. It will help me focus on my studies and further help me understand who i am, besides after hanging out with Han i realized that i cannot be attracted to anyone right now anyways. I lost control of who i can be attracted to and it just blocked out everyone now, male and female. I'm already in my own world whether i like it or not. After realizing this i bought a new pack of smokes. Its a very scary thought that i might just reverse everything i've gained up until now, not capable of fitting another life into mine. I have alot of friends and i realized that over the week. I hung out with don pam and han the last several days and planning to to to linda tran's bday on saturday. All of them knowing more about me than anyone has in a very long time and to think that i might not have the heart to even have the space for another in my life except this blog is frightening. It's where i belong and i miss it too much. :]. Besides its not like im going to be leaving like poof, ill be the same guy except my mindset will be completely changed. This emotion shit is too much. My passion to understand self and shoot for engineering is all i should care about. Once again im going to extreme but shit. People shit annoy me. My parents, sisters, and friends. They all piss me off and i thirst for constant liberation from nothingness.
lol such pessimistic views for someone that is so cheerful is now what i think all the time. I was sitting with Donvu and i was thinking aloud, coming to a realization, I am naturally probably the most pessimistic person, but im forever thinking of the cup half full when im around others. It fucking pisses me off because they dont understand that i can be very happy in my hole and sad thoughts but i take my experiences and thoughts as a gift. Its a burden placed on me for the likes of helping others. I'm happy all the time, not for me, but for YOU so that you can be happy even when shit is shoved back up your ass. Many do not appreciate this or respect my thoughts when i am actually honest with them. Or they just get hurt. A day after telling donvu this i realized how true this is because Han, knowing the person i am saw a INSTANT transformation when i met up with others with her, it was a awkward moments because she was following me because she was going to stay over and it was the other girls birthday so i wanted to hang out with her. I transform my personality naturally because i am able to bring together people as a group and keep them Even if they are clashing. I was acting loud and...different. because i was trying to accompany all three of the people in the group. It was awkward cause it was obvious that me and Han are not just friends, lets not get into that please.
So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.
Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?
White Lies- Death
....
I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drowned in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which route we take?
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who's driving this anyway? I picture my own grave
'cause fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I'll hit the ground
Well, the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies?
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?
I live on the right side, I sleep in the left
That's why everything has got to be love or death
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Everything is a laughing matter!
lol such pessimistic views for someone that is so cheerful is now what i think all the time. I was sitting with Donvu and i was thinking aloud, coming to a realization, I am naturally probably the most pessimistic person, but im forever thinking of the cup half full when im around others. It fucking pisses me off because they dont understand that i can be very happy in my hole and sad thoughts but i take my experiences and thoughts as a gift. Its a burden placed on me for the likes of helping others. I'm happy all the time, not for me, but for YOU so that you can be happy even when shit is shoved back up your ass. Many do not appreciate this or respect my thoughts when i am actually honest with them. Or they just get hurt. A day after telling donvu this i realized how true this is because Han, knowing the person i am saw a INSTANT transformation when i met up with others with her, it was a awkward moments because she was following me because she was going to stay over and it was the other girls birthday so i wanted to hang out with her. I transform my personality naturally because i am able to bring together people as a group and keep them Even if they are clashing. I was acting loud and...different. because i was trying to accompany all three of the people in the group. It was awkward cause it was obvious that me and Han are not just friends, lets not get into that please.
So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.
Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?
White Lies- Death
....
I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drowned in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which route we take?
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who's driving this anyway? I picture my own grave
'cause fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I'll hit the ground
Well, the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies?
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?
I live on the right side, I sleep in the left
That's why everything has got to be love or death
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Everything is a laughing matter!
Monday, June 21, 2010
TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
omg. i finsihed one of the best animes yet this weekend. People chuckle and shit when i tell them i learn life lessons from anime's such as fullmetal alchemist but shit. This anime held such a strong message in a mere 27 episodes. Actually i had a philosophical epiphany afterward that was so massive it left me with a headache for the next couple hours and im still fighting. This blog isn't suppose to be as happy but thats show was SO AMAZING.
I'll explain why it shouldnt be so happy because well, I realized through the anime that the anger i felt right before i lost my memory..was so immense that the process had to happen in my sleep and i felt asleep and meditated sleeping to conserve as much energy as possible. I thought it was anger this whole time that i felt up into the end, but actually now that i felt it due to the anime and i look back. Its not anger i felt anymore that was only the tip of the iceberg. What i felt was immense willpower. They called it fighting spirit. This can automatically put me into a state of meditation and a very high level of it. Con? well, Think of fighting spirit as the feeling of adrenline rush + anger but perfected in perfect synchronization. Of course that doesnt simplify it anymore so here in pure english. Everything you do, you litterally put your LIFE into it. Such passion and the willingness to die is so great that the driving force is ridiculous. Why is it sad? because i felt it and it slapped me in the face after the anime. This power is too much for me to handle and it will throw me into my own world and back into old thomas in a heart beat. I wouldn't need human communication, i wouldnt want it. I would want to die CONSISTANTLY. the obssession will drive you nuts. and im pretty sure everyone can after watching it cause it does such a good job illustrating this power. The determination and wilpower will leaave your jaw drop. So these two nights ive been trying to fight off this adrenline rush now lol cause i want to not think anymore and i want to be naive.
This blog post was suppose to be a post saying goodbye cause i would die again because i felt as if i belong in my own world, because that is pretty much where i was born and raised but ever since sunday ive been fighting it. Trying to find reasons why i should not dive back into my comfort zone.zzz you HAVE to watch this show. lol. The confidence and power i feel within myself was such a fimiliar and welcoming place for me its been hard fighting it. It made me completely depressed last night cause i want to think again and just say..fuck people. so bad. but i dont want to dive back in..not yet.
Speaking of which im really cracking down on quitting smoking. I dont need it anymore. With the willpower locked up in a safe just in case and my adrenaline rush flowing at a low consistant pace i can do without it. I can definitely meditate sooner than i expected though if i did let myself loose but the person i would instantly turn into and the world i would be sucked into...isnt worth it. I want my fucking childhood.
I'll explain why it shouldnt be so happy because well, I realized through the anime that the anger i felt right before i lost my memory..was so immense that the process had to happen in my sleep and i felt asleep and meditated sleeping to conserve as much energy as possible. I thought it was anger this whole time that i felt up into the end, but actually now that i felt it due to the anime and i look back. Its not anger i felt anymore that was only the tip of the iceberg. What i felt was immense willpower. They called it fighting spirit. This can automatically put me into a state of meditation and a very high level of it. Con? well, Think of fighting spirit as the feeling of adrenline rush + anger but perfected in perfect synchronization. Of course that doesnt simplify it anymore so here in pure english. Everything you do, you litterally put your LIFE into it. Such passion and the willingness to die is so great that the driving force is ridiculous. Why is it sad? because i felt it and it slapped me in the face after the anime. This power is too much for me to handle and it will throw me into my own world and back into old thomas in a heart beat. I wouldn't need human communication, i wouldnt want it. I would want to die CONSISTANTLY. the obssession will drive you nuts. and im pretty sure everyone can after watching it cause it does such a good job illustrating this power. The determination and wilpower will leaave your jaw drop. So these two nights ive been trying to fight off this adrenline rush now lol cause i want to not think anymore and i want to be naive.
This blog post was suppose to be a post saying goodbye cause i would die again because i felt as if i belong in my own world, because that is pretty much where i was born and raised but ever since sunday ive been fighting it. Trying to find reasons why i should not dive back into my comfort zone.zzz you HAVE to watch this show. lol. The confidence and power i feel within myself was such a fimiliar and welcoming place for me its been hard fighting it. It made me completely depressed last night cause i want to think again and just say..fuck people. so bad. but i dont want to dive back in..not yet.
Speaking of which im really cracking down on quitting smoking. I dont need it anymore. With the willpower locked up in a safe just in case and my adrenaline rush flowing at a low consistant pace i can do without it. I can definitely meditate sooner than i expected though if i did let myself loose but the person i would instantly turn into and the world i would be sucked into...isnt worth it. I want my fucking childhood.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Harder Better Faster Stronger
So me and trung(ob trung that goes out with le) we had a man to man talk friday night. I really liked it he hates bens guts too for his own reasons and i told him why me and him are no longer friends. This conversation started cause he brought up soky's name. lol. eh. I have much respect for that dude now and i am forced to lol @ all the people that hate me. Trung said "Alot of people hate you thomas, do you know that? I ask them why and they say...its cause hes thomas" Then he would reply "Thomas is weird sure, but thats nothing to hate him for O.o" its w/e i laugh at all the people that hate me cause the reason why all those people that openly stated to him that they hate me dont have a legit reason, is cause its their own fault. haha. Dont fuck with me and make me serious and there wont be a problem :]. It makes me feel great to know that i can naturally get not worthy people to hate me. And i grew alot of respect for trung cause he listened to me and took my mellow side with a mature response.
The adrenline rush is going great for me..i realized that it was do to the lack of that i was feeling so down on myself before. Im not angry anymore! :D my body is functioning regularly. haha it makes me :]. but yeah, i cant control my rushes at all yet. i need to learn how to calm down during my rushes but now its just there haha. sometimes excessively. *shrugs* hehe
Han han han. Her name is Emily Han. we went to a house party together but i went REALLY late cause i had to finish a paper. I got a really good tipsy off of jungle juice and beers. We were both very tipsy :P She came over and slept over with me that night and it was alot of fun :]. Like expected, she was openminded and ready to listen. I told her about Phi and why im so unstable and why Moses says i refuse to settle and im a manwhore. lol. I still disagree but you know, Emily does make a great addition to my life. Welcome.
Another new addition is this girl i felt obligated to share my thoughts with from my program. Her name is Yifei and i told her about my philosophy over a lunch that same friday cause she helped me with my paper and we were talking about chi. It was a very deep, mental, and philosophical conversation. I didn't expect it from her but it seemed as if it was right down her alley. I shared a bit with Emily as well. lol. It makes my ego bloat when i tell people i used to meditate at such a high level at the age of 14 lol.
Life is great. Living it in the present. :] I hope things keep going up up up!
The adrenline rush is going great for me..i realized that it was do to the lack of that i was feeling so down on myself before. Im not angry anymore! :D my body is functioning regularly. haha it makes me :]. but yeah, i cant control my rushes at all yet. i need to learn how to calm down during my rushes but now its just there haha. sometimes excessively. *shrugs* hehe
Han han han. Her name is Emily Han. we went to a house party together but i went REALLY late cause i had to finish a paper. I got a really good tipsy off of jungle juice and beers. We were both very tipsy :P She came over and slept over with me that night and it was alot of fun :]. Like expected, she was openminded and ready to listen. I told her about Phi and why im so unstable and why Moses says i refuse to settle and im a manwhore. lol. I still disagree but you know, Emily does make a great addition to my life. Welcome.
Another new addition is this girl i felt obligated to share my thoughts with from my program. Her name is Yifei and i told her about my philosophy over a lunch that same friday cause she helped me with my paper and we were talking about chi. It was a very deep, mental, and philosophical conversation. I didn't expect it from her but it seemed as if it was right down her alley. I shared a bit with Emily as well. lol. It makes my ego bloat when i tell people i used to meditate at such a high level at the age of 14 lol.
Life is great. Living it in the present. :] I hope things keep going up up up!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
143 my sister
lol well..i cant say the same for my oldest sister, Shun yi, because i rarely communicate with her but my younger on, Laurie, is awesome. Thanks to her i've stabilized but the anger and stress within me has reached its latest peek since 9th grade when i lost my memory. She slapped some sense into me with the last heart to heart conversation with her infamous quote, "dude, just drop it..like its hot.. drop it like its hot, seriously." lol idk how that worked but the mix of humor and seriousness got to me. Last documented anger probably steadied at 1/10th. I am now walking around with about 2 or 3/10ths of the anger i used to feel. Well Huy and ben made me reach like..Half. but i wasn't able to control it and it was really bipolar. Actually i wouldnt be surprised if it stabilized at 7/10ths for a bit when i went to his house cause i dont remember much but i walked from fields corner to forest hills that day..but yeah..i guess 2-3/10ths is a good stable point for the person i've become now. how angry was i before? i cannot fathom that anymore but i was so angry i wanted to kill all humanity and take my life with it, every second of the day. Thats like..anger to the fullest..pretty much pure anger/stress, idk how my old self controlled so much. Im feeling a mere 30% and underneath the smile i fake i vomit, have chest pains, and forever tired..exhausted emotionally and physically. i honestly dont know why im so angry..but im glad my sister slapped some sense into me after my last post. It was hard typing after the last post and i've been stabilizing again since. Average people without experience that are fuckin pissed and want to break someoneone's face in is probably at 4-5/10ths but they cant control it XD. Yesterday helped a bit since i was around high school friends. The problem was that the energy required to maintain such a face drained me of all energy. I slept every moment i got and i slept from 8-7:30 when i got home. Actually, just today i smoked alot more than usual and had stomach, chest and muscle fatigue. It sucks...Anger really does eat up life force. but its a very powerful emotion and when used properly it can move mountains. I just dont have the resources to use such immense ammounts yet, and i hope i never do. So thats why im just accepting it and trying to ride it out even though i go home every night wanting to see blood. lol. its a problem.
Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.
Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.
I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D
Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha
Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.
Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.
I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D
Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha
Monday, June 14, 2010
FUCK YoOoOooOUUU
ugh fuck. I feel like shit. I've never been the type to deal with drama at all. I've just like...developed zero tolerance for it. Question: Im a people person right? (answer in comments) I feel like im pretty straightforward. I have a very complex mind compared to others but if you dont fuck with me then you shouldnt have to worry about that. Take for example Lauren and Bong, and linda, and many others that know me. They know i have a complicated head and im sure they dont understand me sometimes... Even i dont. but they dont have to meet the ugly side of it cause they dont fuck with me. lol <3 you guys. Lets start with the good news first before i continue
I was smoking outside when this guy came for me to ask for a smoke. (Im sorry this stress im facing now...i'll quit after im done with it cause im walking around feeling like i want to seriously punch something) anywho. He confronted me three days ago and we sit down for three smokes and right off the bat hes reallly cool and we talk about everything. He's new in boston so he needs friends and we were talking about having friends outside out=r pool of friends we can just..talk to so why not talk to him? He's gay and i found it very interesting. We were talking about sexuality and like how it felt to be on the other end of the spectrum while being very chill. over the course of the next couple days i bump into him all the time...always smoking..as am i. lol its funny cause we both told ourself we would quit and we both have our reasons to smoke. Its cool that we both smoke cause its a level of comfort that is automatically created. I got his email and phone number after a couple times of catching each other smoking and just talking for 15 mins everytime. We might go out and eat after i work. Its cool. I <3 meeting new people and i get to tell him everything.
Anywho, i fucking HATE people right now. I feel like just..ughh slapping people right now. My god. I've lost another friend and i cant help it bcause ive grown to be just really annoyed at people. This is bad cause now im feeling angry. like its flowing through me and i cant control it. ughh im more angry at myself than people though. cause im mad that i have such a complicated mind and they dont understand why im mad. they think its for trivial matters such as jealousy or selfishness when they dont understand that im more conceptual. I think more of morals and its not that you go for other guys. i dont give a shit if you go for other guys. The fact that you dont appreciate me when i do the SAME thing is what annoys me. You dont appreciate my existence. I made mistakes. but like i said in my previous post. im tired of changing myself. I have changed myself. but now i want to change others cause im tired of eating other peoples shit. They have a right to bitch and complain cause im trying to change them but they dont understand that ive been taking way more shit than necessary. people can always argue against my way of thinking saying its reckless and selfish etc. and it makes me angry how what im doing isnt reasonably defended but people dont understand. I want to live a life where people can appreciate me the way i am RGIHT NOW. zzz
Fuck i dont understand people. i dont think i ever will. When the day ends, i find my mind too complex and i think on multiple layers. zzz..definitely not stable enough for a relationship right now. but i would appreciate it to have someone on my side cause i need justification. Someone to hug me and say what im doing is right. Everyone except the gay guy has annoyed me in some way shape or form by now and a burden like this is unbearable. Can i break someone's face open please? I cant even play pool anymore. I cant focus. i wake up every morning wanting a smoke cause i cant calm down. I dont know..im an extremist. Some call that drama queen. Fuck you.
I feel like ed, episode 22, when he was stuck in the middle of the pool of false truth, incomplete philosopher stone. and he was overloaded by power and his abilities were going beserk. It wasnt until a woman pushed through it, risked her life and hugged him. Im going beserk. My old self is trying to think about a way out but i wont allow it. Im angry and its going nowhere, im completely bipolar and all i need is someone to tell me that fuck people. fuck friends. fuck the world around you. remember what you want and go for it.
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...
You don't miss me, I know.
Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.
I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.
I was smoking outside when this guy came for me to ask for a smoke. (Im sorry this stress im facing now...i'll quit after im done with it cause im walking around feeling like i want to seriously punch something) anywho. He confronted me three days ago and we sit down for three smokes and right off the bat hes reallly cool and we talk about everything. He's new in boston so he needs friends and we were talking about having friends outside out=r pool of friends we can just..talk to so why not talk to him? He's gay and i found it very interesting. We were talking about sexuality and like how it felt to be on the other end of the spectrum while being very chill. over the course of the next couple days i bump into him all the time...always smoking..as am i. lol its funny cause we both told ourself we would quit and we both have our reasons to smoke. Its cool that we both smoke cause its a level of comfort that is automatically created. I got his email and phone number after a couple times of catching each other smoking and just talking for 15 mins everytime. We might go out and eat after i work. Its cool. I <3 meeting new people and i get to tell him everything.
Anywho, i fucking HATE people right now. I feel like just..ughh slapping people right now. My god. I've lost another friend and i cant help it bcause ive grown to be just really annoyed at people. This is bad cause now im feeling angry. like its flowing through me and i cant control it. ughh im more angry at myself than people though. cause im mad that i have such a complicated mind and they dont understand why im mad. they think its for trivial matters such as jealousy or selfishness when they dont understand that im more conceptual. I think more of morals and its not that you go for other guys. i dont give a shit if you go for other guys. The fact that you dont appreciate me when i do the SAME thing is what annoys me. You dont appreciate my existence. I made mistakes. but like i said in my previous post. im tired of changing myself. I have changed myself. but now i want to change others cause im tired of eating other peoples shit. They have a right to bitch and complain cause im trying to change them but they dont understand that ive been taking way more shit than necessary. people can always argue against my way of thinking saying its reckless and selfish etc. and it makes me angry how what im doing isnt reasonably defended but people dont understand. I want to live a life where people can appreciate me the way i am RGIHT NOW. zzz
Fuck i dont understand people. i dont think i ever will. When the day ends, i find my mind too complex and i think on multiple layers. zzz..definitely not stable enough for a relationship right now. but i would appreciate it to have someone on my side cause i need justification. Someone to hug me and say what im doing is right. Everyone except the gay guy has annoyed me in some way shape or form by now and a burden like this is unbearable. Can i break someone's face open please? I cant even play pool anymore. I cant focus. i wake up every morning wanting a smoke cause i cant calm down. I dont know..im an extremist. Some call that drama queen. Fuck you.
I feel like ed, episode 22, when he was stuck in the middle of the pool of false truth, incomplete philosopher stone. and he was overloaded by power and his abilities were going beserk. It wasnt until a woman pushed through it, risked her life and hugged him. Im going beserk. My old self is trying to think about a way out but i wont allow it. Im angry and its going nowhere, im completely bipolar and all i need is someone to tell me that fuck people. fuck friends. fuck the world around you. remember what you want and go for it.
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...
You don't miss me, I know.
Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.
I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
This is Your Life
Its a song from The killers most recent Album. and i post the title as this because of these lyrics
Crooked wheels keep turning
Children, are you learning
Acclimatize but don't you lose the plot
A history of blisters
Your brothers and your sisters
Somewhere in the pages we forgot
Take a number Jackie
Where the blood just barely dried
You know I'm on your side
Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
That has to be the most like..awesome..train of thought. haha. Ironic, I did exactly what i didnt want in my previous blog and you know what? i dont mind it. and i knew i wouldn't, which is why i didnt want to do it. haha. To reitterate, In my previous blog i pretty much said i dont want shit to happen to me and i actually want to live a upbeat life because if i took too much shit, i would go into my isolation mode again. Everyone annoys me now to an extent and thats the only flaw to this feeling of isolation. I hate the feeling of annoyance, thats why i dont feel it. haha but i do feel it now. Everyone i was close with for some reason im finding reasons to make me want to be like..dude. shut the fuck up! >.> seriously. All guys annoy me cause of their egos and all girls annoy me cause they bitch too much. The few girls i got close with, they tend to take advantage of my strong will and they grow comfortable with the insults and the pokes. Before it was like...oh haha youre funny! cause honestly, i didnt give a shit. For some reason im now like...chill. know your place. zzz. So im going into a state of isolation and now ive concluded that im a one man army, dude. Friends, fuck that shit. Everyone looks like ben to me now in some way shape or form. meh.
A good example of how im growing to be annoyed by people is like..This dude i met named chris i Internshiped with. Hes 25 and he works at blackstone as a supervisor and hes like..up there. Stable engineering career and he got his shit going for him cause he knows what hes doing. I respect his role and he was really bro with me but i got annoyed with him too. I was just small talking with him in the car cause he was dropping me off at Northeastern after the internship and you know how guys they talk about girls, cars, money, sports or...girls. When there are only guys. Its a sense of masculinity. when we drove through south station i was like "I found it interesting how one day when i walked through south station i saw nothing but ties and tucked in shirts. Not one dude has on a pair of jeans...until i passed the intersection right beyond southstation..not 10 ft away from the business looking place." and he was like.."I dont know man, i only look at the girls here" and we both check out girls until we passed the intersection (in my defence i only complied because i felt obligated to fit the conversation because i might co-op there, because it is a very good general contracting company) but like...really?! Cut the shit. Like..is it really nescessary to display your manly bonor with a up and coming engineer thats 6-7 years your minor and in a still, i considered, a professional atmosphere. So like, even though he was cool, i was still in my professional mode and i got annoyed cause it was like..dude. cut the shit you REALLY dont have to talk about girls ALL the time. That wasnt the only time in the car ride either.
And it really doesnt help how this friend of mine..everytime i winch at the names Colin or Cung shes like..youre obsessed about them. Im like..seriously. Obsession is the WORSE choice of word. and she knows it she purposely does it to fuck with me. Honestly, it pushes me farther away from people. If its anything, I take Anger the most seriously out of all of my emotions because people rarely see me pissed off. To see me pissed off and to be one of the few to know how i am when im pissed at someone, why the fuck would you abuse that? Its not even like its. Ohh you have a crush on herr Ooh. Like even if she said that 100 times i wouldn't care cause at least thats like a postive emotion and i can laugh that off. Like sure i like her *giggles* or something like that. but to fuck with my anger when i used to have anger management problems? *smh* lol.
Yeah, my life isnt stable anymore..its sluggish. Meh, after smoking today though i thought again..for the 3rd time in the course of like..two days. Wtf am i doing with my life. geez, its funny and sad how you see my rises and drops through my blog. Even though i post in spans of like..weeks or days. I did a really good job writing at the right times.
The positive? Im less fuckin hit me and more. let me fuckin hit you. lol. Im ready to make shit happen cause of my sluggish life because i realize i was being introspective this whole time. Im ready to change a couple people to make MY life more comfortable. lol. Btw. Fuck you Kobe. lol
Crooked wheels keep turning
Children, are you learning
Acclimatize but don't you lose the plot
A history of blisters
Your brothers and your sisters
Somewhere in the pages we forgot
Take a number Jackie
Where the blood just barely dried
You know I'm on your side
Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
That has to be the most like..awesome..train of thought. haha. Ironic, I did exactly what i didnt want in my previous blog and you know what? i dont mind it. and i knew i wouldn't, which is why i didnt want to do it. haha. To reitterate, In my previous blog i pretty much said i dont want shit to happen to me and i actually want to live a upbeat life because if i took too much shit, i would go into my isolation mode again. Everyone annoys me now to an extent and thats the only flaw to this feeling of isolation. I hate the feeling of annoyance, thats why i dont feel it. haha but i do feel it now. Everyone i was close with for some reason im finding reasons to make me want to be like..dude. shut the fuck up! >.> seriously. All guys annoy me cause of their egos and all girls annoy me cause they bitch too much. The few girls i got close with, they tend to take advantage of my strong will and they grow comfortable with the insults and the pokes. Before it was like...oh haha youre funny! cause honestly, i didnt give a shit. For some reason im now like...chill. know your place. zzz. So im going into a state of isolation and now ive concluded that im a one man army, dude. Friends, fuck that shit. Everyone looks like ben to me now in some way shape or form. meh.
A good example of how im growing to be annoyed by people is like..This dude i met named chris i Internshiped with. Hes 25 and he works at blackstone as a supervisor and hes like..up there. Stable engineering career and he got his shit going for him cause he knows what hes doing. I respect his role and he was really bro with me but i got annoyed with him too. I was just small talking with him in the car cause he was dropping me off at Northeastern after the internship and you know how guys they talk about girls, cars, money, sports or...girls. When there are only guys. Its a sense of masculinity. when we drove through south station i was like "I found it interesting how one day when i walked through south station i saw nothing but ties and tucked in shirts. Not one dude has on a pair of jeans...until i passed the intersection right beyond southstation..not 10 ft away from the business looking place." and he was like.."I dont know man, i only look at the girls here" and we both check out girls until we passed the intersection (in my defence i only complied because i felt obligated to fit the conversation because i might co-op there, because it is a very good general contracting company) but like...really?! Cut the shit. Like..is it really nescessary to display your manly bonor with a up and coming engineer thats 6-7 years your minor and in a still, i considered, a professional atmosphere. So like, even though he was cool, i was still in my professional mode and i got annoyed cause it was like..dude. cut the shit you REALLY dont have to talk about girls ALL the time. That wasnt the only time in the car ride either.
And it really doesnt help how this friend of mine..everytime i winch at the names Colin or Cung shes like..youre obsessed about them. Im like..seriously. Obsession is the WORSE choice of word. and she knows it she purposely does it to fuck with me. Honestly, it pushes me farther away from people. If its anything, I take Anger the most seriously out of all of my emotions because people rarely see me pissed off. To see me pissed off and to be one of the few to know how i am when im pissed at someone, why the fuck would you abuse that? Its not even like its. Ohh you have a crush on herr Ooh. Like even if she said that 100 times i wouldn't care cause at least thats like a postive emotion and i can laugh that off. Like sure i like her *giggles* or something like that. but to fuck with my anger when i used to have anger management problems? *smh* lol.
Yeah, my life isnt stable anymore..its sluggish. Meh, after smoking today though i thought again..for the 3rd time in the course of like..two days. Wtf am i doing with my life. geez, its funny and sad how you see my rises and drops through my blog. Even though i post in spans of like..weeks or days. I did a really good job writing at the right times.
The positive? Im less fuckin hit me and more. let me fuckin hit you. lol. Im ready to make shit happen cause of my sluggish life because i realize i was being introspective this whole time. Im ready to change a couple people to make MY life more comfortable. lol. Btw. Fuck you Kobe. lol
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Beyond
Soo~ ever since the last post..my subconcious mind has been acting funny. Well someone would ask, how the fuck can you tell that your subconcious is acting funny if 1) its subconscious! theres a reason why its called sub-conscious and 2) if i am my own subconscious. Well glad of you to ask! haha you see, since i've been able to separate the subconscious and conscious before, its kinda hard to connect them completely again, so i have the option of whether or not to follow my instincts or not, and if they are ME. Then again, doesnt everyone? i doubt everyone listens to that little voice inside their head..the difference is i know where the little voices come from, and that makes a HUGE difference. Anywho..less digression. I want to annouce to myself that the previous option is what many would like to call "false hope" perhaps it is possible to do something like what the past post illustrated without the certain circumstances but witht he reasoning i have at hand NOW, i say its impossible. It's too risky to remember that subject of memories. It would awaken uncalled for emotions and drawbacks and the only positive to it would be i would create my own world. I would no longer need people and i would throw away the real world because i would be so content within myself. Pretty much, ill be going back to my old self. lol. thats not what i want. My subconcious self has already tried to trick me into hurting myself several times by making stupid decisions i wouldnt normally make, interactions with other being that may possible ruin the relationship i had with them and virtually make me go like..i should get some time alone. haha. tricky devil. Anywho.
I remember, the time i fought a really bad sickness. Why do i bring this up? because i think of this memory whenever i walk through a heavy rainstorm now. It was the epic last push of mentality four years ago.. after i lost my memory, it was a while until i forgot how to control my adrenline rush too and i felt it leave me during the camping trip. STORYTIME! the most epic story ever. Due to my adrenaline rushes, it became my duty to push the group of 12 forward as we treked the land of north carolina. It was the most strenuous day because we hiked for 12 hours straight and everyone was completely exhausted, including me. I had no more juice because i was pretty much on my kiaoken x10 lol.(dbz reference, ahha it was a skill used to multiple your powerlevel haha) I had a series of 10 other adrenaline rushes (which usually last me and the group for an hour of two) and i thought i was completely done. everyone was walking at slug pace and i was at the back, helping carry parts of 3 other peoples load because i offered to carry more during my adrenaline rush. I didnt show it. i never did. but i was ready to just..sleep where i was. It began to rainstorm because we were on a ridge of a rainforest. everyone has already rested for 15 mins and now they were using more time to talk out their rain jackets. i was completely against this cause every moment we rested our muscles, the worse it was to keep going. I refused to stop. and i was wearing shorts and tshirt, my last outfit and i continued to move. it rained as hard as it did today and worse for the entire time until i got there and i felt sickly ill. I layed in the tarp the whole night through without eating or sleeping. I couldnt cover myself cause i was soaked and exhausted and i couldnt sleep because i was so fuckin cold. There was massive amounts of wind since we were on the ridge and people cared for me. My vision was blurry and my body got ridiculously weak. people cared for me because i couldnt respond even when i wanted to. It was really bad but i remember it cause inside i had that FUCKIN HIT ME mode on. even though my body couldnt move and i was growing to be super sick..i wanted to do shit. we were lucky to stay at that camp site for 2 days instead of one and i never left my bed. the mentors pushed me forward, waking me up occasionally when there was food. but my body rarely complied..i heard them talking about me outside, they were worried because i pushed myself alot more than i should have. The third day i was better but it wasnt until a week or two later when i would stop coughing up flem and be at the front again. everyday for those two weeks it was like...gruesome. but it was super fun. Now i run in the rain happy because it makes me feel invincible. :] well. thats it.
What else? oh yeah. i feel awsome. haha
I remember, the time i fought a really bad sickness. Why do i bring this up? because i think of this memory whenever i walk through a heavy rainstorm now. It was the epic last push of mentality four years ago.. after i lost my memory, it was a while until i forgot how to control my adrenline rush too and i felt it leave me during the camping trip. STORYTIME! the most epic story ever. Due to my adrenaline rushes, it became my duty to push the group of 12 forward as we treked the land of north carolina. It was the most strenuous day because we hiked for 12 hours straight and everyone was completely exhausted, including me. I had no more juice because i was pretty much on my kiaoken x10 lol.(dbz reference, ahha it was a skill used to multiple your powerlevel haha) I had a series of 10 other adrenaline rushes (which usually last me and the group for an hour of two) and i thought i was completely done. everyone was walking at slug pace and i was at the back, helping carry parts of 3 other peoples load because i offered to carry more during my adrenaline rush. I didnt show it. i never did. but i was ready to just..sleep where i was. It began to rainstorm because we were on a ridge of a rainforest. everyone has already rested for 15 mins and now they were using more time to talk out their rain jackets. i was completely against this cause every moment we rested our muscles, the worse it was to keep going. I refused to stop. and i was wearing shorts and tshirt, my last outfit and i continued to move. it rained as hard as it did today and worse for the entire time until i got there and i felt sickly ill. I layed in the tarp the whole night through without eating or sleeping. I couldnt cover myself cause i was soaked and exhausted and i couldnt sleep because i was so fuckin cold. There was massive amounts of wind since we were on the ridge and people cared for me. My vision was blurry and my body got ridiculously weak. people cared for me because i couldnt respond even when i wanted to. It was really bad but i remember it cause inside i had that FUCKIN HIT ME mode on. even though my body couldnt move and i was growing to be super sick..i wanted to do shit. we were lucky to stay at that camp site for 2 days instead of one and i never left my bed. the mentors pushed me forward, waking me up occasionally when there was food. but my body rarely complied..i heard them talking about me outside, they were worried because i pushed myself alot more than i should have. The third day i was better but it wasnt until a week or two later when i would stop coughing up flem and be at the front again. everyday for those two weeks it was like...gruesome. but it was super fun. Now i run in the rain happy because it makes me feel invincible. :] well. thats it.
What else? oh yeah. i feel awsome. haha
Friday, June 4, 2010
Trigun
You know, anime's can teach a person ALOT. Take fullmetal alechemist for example...hehe. in this case. Trigun. For the past week i've been re-watching trigun because i bought a airsoft gun and felt very..gun like...completely forgetting how the anime went aside for the fact that it was really good. This is the pros to having bad memory. ehhe i can watch movies/tv shows infinite amount as long as i wait a period of time and itll be as if i never watched it before. Well this is a very big part of my life because this anime actually brought back some very important memories. What was old thomas thinking, what did he have planned for me? why did he live the way he did? how much did he actually suffer? I saw myself in vash's shoes completely and they did the best job illustrating how a mental breakdown looks. It reminded be of the pain i went through and why i should be and am grateful for who i am now. The memory is already beginning to fade, because it was quite painful. If you want to know how i felt back then watch like..episode 23-25 of trigun. I also remembered why i just..could not be around girls crying. i hated it for the longest time. Over time, only the feeling of extreme dislike for girls crying remained because of the origins that was forgotten, now i dont care at all. But i remmeber why i did. Since girls are more emotional than guys, not judging..its true to a very far extent. When they cry its usually due to a situation where they can find no exit and they are caught within themselves and forced into fetal position, fetal postion being crying. Its how i used to feel and to see it happen to other people shook me down to the marrow of my bones cause it was so unfortunate. Idk..just a thought. but this glipse of a flashback gave me a hint on how to blend the two Thomas's without meditating or falling in love. All i need to do is understand what i was trying to do and remember it. haha. This in itself would give me eternal happiness. Fuck why did old thomas have to be so damn complex? it was a very between the lines thought i only managed to grasp when Vash woke up after 10 nights of sleep because he had a mental breakdown. Then he was feeling okay...until he remembered everything and made a blood curling scream. I remember that scream..i used to have it. Insanity. *sigh* So its true, one must feel eternal pain to truely find true beauty in life. This is going to be fun. now i know why i started smoking...and why the old thomas in me loves smoking even though it was against everything. I Still had some memories when i started..These lyrics should do it justice. but i drained these lyrics of all effect cause i listened to it so much XP
Atreyu-dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the 6th time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
Stop, look around, the stuff you see rebuild, renown,
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
I just smoked three times straight and editted this blog post twice cause i find ways to throw relating thoughts....hopefully giving further future thomas an idea of what i remembere. haha
But honestly, this is not a depressing post in any sort. Its a lead and it makes me very happy actually, to know that there is an alternative to reach my life goal. a song that started playing in my head my head while i was writing this blog..i have yet to decipher the lyrics, but they must relate since it started playing in my head. Interpol- A time to be so small.
Atreyu-dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the 6th time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
Stop, look around, the stuff you see rebuild, renown,
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
I just smoked three times straight and editted this blog post twice cause i find ways to throw relating thoughts....hopefully giving further future thomas an idea of what i remembere. haha
But honestly, this is not a depressing post in any sort. Its a lead and it makes me very happy actually, to know that there is an alternative to reach my life goal. a song that started playing in my head my head while i was writing this blog..i have yet to decipher the lyrics, but they must relate since it started playing in my head. Interpol- A time to be so small.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Back to the Future
I feel as if going back to my old home was a necessity for my growth. I rememebered ALOT more than i ever did. I probably remembered it in that first year after i lost my memory when i had that huge fuckin recoil and remembered everything and grabbed onto the things that i would really need to keep going. Idk. I forgot it again and now i i remembered it again. haha. My memory is so weird. It was a necessity though because i felt alot of emotions linked to these memories. These were untouched virgin memories before i had any hints of philosophy. Within these memories was the emotions of a just...average human. I dont want to be like that and i cant become like that but i remembered alot of emotions due to these flashbacks. Today i felt jealousy, as i watched a couple get cuddly...i got angry as i played pool. like..i was going to punch someone angry. i was so damn frustrated. but we'll get to that. lol. there are some thoughts that i wan to jolt down before i forget them though.
In philosophy class we are beginning to study religion and me being me, i have very strong ideas against god. As atreyu said, "strength comes from within, not from above." since the text said Christianity is a religion of pity that somehow transformed into a discussion about mistakes. Someone in the class that has a massive ego, i tend not to talk to him cause he himself agrees that he has this problem, and its veryy obvious, he naturally sees himself as better than everyone else. Now, i trust that he has his reasons but sometimes the ideas he backs up are plan STUPID. for instance we were arguing about mistakes in life due to the god theme. I said well, just because you made a msitake, or "commited a sin" it does not mean that you did something wrong. Not every mistake is a wrong. and he said. well its like..duhh synonyms...mistake and wrong. if its a mistake then its clearly wrong cause its not right. and im like..*facepalm* cause i knew there was no use arguing with soemone like him. Take my life for example, shit, i fucked up and i made mistakes. but that doesnt make them wrong. if anything i consider them the right thing because if not i wouldnt have become the person i am. He being christian though, doesnt understand this concept of loving oneself. People asked me about my beliefs during class and i became the spokesman for all atheist because i had strong beliefs. A girl said, i never heard anysuch thing as Atheist until i came to college. The country she came from and the culture she grew up around was all christian, it was out of the norm for someone to speak say the god's name in vain. Sos he asked me the most peculiar but serious question, " so did you ever belief in god at least once in your life?" and i said in turn "No, because i always believed in myself" and there was a tense yet very honest and mature atmosphere around the room. i liked it. I would love to get inside a head of a christian.
Pool. so i was VERY fustrated i kept missing my shots and i blamed the two noobs that beat me. I wanted to find a new perspective of pool i havent yet seen, hard shots made simple, the secret to placement. change in form. something that can upgrade my proformance by 100 fold. i found nothing besides more failure. I ended up leaving the pool room and i am soo grateful that it rained today. i sat outside and chain smoked three times ( chain smoking is to light the smoked cig with a new one). I thought of pool and what bochen told me. i still hit very hard..i force my positioning and that isnt necessary, it should be all very graceful. I thought about me as a person. i've become short tempered. I bathed in the rain. No matter what type of human i become, i will never be the short tempered one, for i know where anger leads man. as i sat outside and smoked i thought of nothing but soft colors. occasionally i would make eye contact with a wild animal, and i would hold it. This is very relaxing. After i walked back in i put in my music and i am happy to say that i am back to normal. i am very graceful now. i think.
but yea, im quite emotional right now. idk if i should embrace this or push it away so i leave it alone. zzz loneliness is still in the air and i try to turn and look the other way because the warmth i need is not external..it can be..but i think its internal. I dont love myself anymore.
speaking of which i know how it feels like to fight from fainting. i did it today. it actually is harder than one would expect. i was standing at my bus stop smoking in the morning waiting for the bus. Before that i drank 2 monsters and stayed up all night productive. i wrote almost 6 pages single spaced. I then, anxious to get to school and print then get some sleep got anxious and was very anxious as i stood at the bus stop. Once i decided to smoke to calm myself down, bad idea. it calmed me down alright but it was too hard too fast..and probably too early in the morning i got very lightheaded and the shakes around my body to keep my up were uncontrolable but uneffective. i began to sway and my eyes felt heavy cause i got dizzy and nauseous my body was willing to turn off on me any second cause everything felt so light, and yet heavy. My awesomeness has been drained by the two monsters so i had no more stored energy or rush left in me to snap out of it. i kept changing to heavier and heavier rock music so i could get my blood rushing but my body was shutting down..i was blacking out. What stopped me was the idea of fainting, accompanied by the slight burn i put on myself with my smoke. It would be so pathetic if i fainted. besides i was having fun experience what it felt like to kinda..loose all hope and control. it was the closest thing to death ive experienced. I smiled. The bus came driving up and i took deep breaths and made sure i didnt pass out until i was sitting down. that way i can control how much rest my body got. it was fun
What else?..nothing much. i think im going to go home now.
In philosophy class we are beginning to study religion and me being me, i have very strong ideas against god. As atreyu said, "strength comes from within, not from above." since the text said Christianity is a religion of pity that somehow transformed into a discussion about mistakes. Someone in the class that has a massive ego, i tend not to talk to him cause he himself agrees that he has this problem, and its veryy obvious, he naturally sees himself as better than everyone else. Now, i trust that he has his reasons but sometimes the ideas he backs up are plan STUPID. for instance we were arguing about mistakes in life due to the god theme. I said well, just because you made a msitake, or "commited a sin" it does not mean that you did something wrong. Not every mistake is a wrong. and he said. well its like..duhh synonyms...mistake and wrong. if its a mistake then its clearly wrong cause its not right. and im like..*facepalm* cause i knew there was no use arguing with soemone like him. Take my life for example, shit, i fucked up and i made mistakes. but that doesnt make them wrong. if anything i consider them the right thing because if not i wouldnt have become the person i am. He being christian though, doesnt understand this concept of loving oneself. People asked me about my beliefs during class and i became the spokesman for all atheist because i had strong beliefs. A girl said, i never heard anysuch thing as Atheist until i came to college. The country she came from and the culture she grew up around was all christian, it was out of the norm for someone to speak say the god's name in vain. Sos he asked me the most peculiar but serious question, " so did you ever belief in god at least once in your life?" and i said in turn "No, because i always believed in myself" and there was a tense yet very honest and mature atmosphere around the room. i liked it. I would love to get inside a head of a christian.
Pool. so i was VERY fustrated i kept missing my shots and i blamed the two noobs that beat me. I wanted to find a new perspective of pool i havent yet seen, hard shots made simple, the secret to placement. change in form. something that can upgrade my proformance by 100 fold. i found nothing besides more failure. I ended up leaving the pool room and i am soo grateful that it rained today. i sat outside and chain smoked three times ( chain smoking is to light the smoked cig with a new one). I thought of pool and what bochen told me. i still hit very hard..i force my positioning and that isnt necessary, it should be all very graceful. I thought about me as a person. i've become short tempered. I bathed in the rain. No matter what type of human i become, i will never be the short tempered one, for i know where anger leads man. as i sat outside and smoked i thought of nothing but soft colors. occasionally i would make eye contact with a wild animal, and i would hold it. This is very relaxing. After i walked back in i put in my music and i am happy to say that i am back to normal. i am very graceful now. i think.
but yea, im quite emotional right now. idk if i should embrace this or push it away so i leave it alone. zzz loneliness is still in the air and i try to turn and look the other way because the warmth i need is not external..it can be..but i think its internal. I dont love myself anymore.
speaking of which i know how it feels like to fight from fainting. i did it today. it actually is harder than one would expect. i was standing at my bus stop smoking in the morning waiting for the bus. Before that i drank 2 monsters and stayed up all night productive. i wrote almost 6 pages single spaced. I then, anxious to get to school and print then get some sleep got anxious and was very anxious as i stood at the bus stop. Once i decided to smoke to calm myself down, bad idea. it calmed me down alright but it was too hard too fast..and probably too early in the morning i got very lightheaded and the shakes around my body to keep my up were uncontrolable but uneffective. i began to sway and my eyes felt heavy cause i got dizzy and nauseous my body was willing to turn off on me any second cause everything felt so light, and yet heavy. My awesomeness has been drained by the two monsters so i had no more stored energy or rush left in me to snap out of it. i kept changing to heavier and heavier rock music so i could get my blood rushing but my body was shutting down..i was blacking out. What stopped me was the idea of fainting, accompanied by the slight burn i put on myself with my smoke. It would be so pathetic if i fainted. besides i was having fun experience what it felt like to kinda..loose all hope and control. it was the closest thing to death ive experienced. I smiled. The bus came driving up and i took deep breaths and made sure i didnt pass out until i was sitting down. that way i can control how much rest my body got. it was fun
What else?..nothing much. i think im going to go home now.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
FUCKIN HIT ME
So, heres to another depressing blog post. lol. My title? that is how i feel deep down inside when i feel lonely, depressed, or angry. Anything negative really. Today i went through the entire day feeling super lonely. Like..wow. it was terrible. Even though i was spending my day with someone awesome like Christie Wood, my childhood friend. I couldn't shake it and it drove me nuts cause i felt..soo..human. like geez...the emotions were overflowing and i couldn't do shit about it. I started thinking about death. You know i dont wake up a single day Not thinking about death? Im pretty well off compared to myself in the past. But its because of that its like...is this a dream? i have a bad memory but i would never forget what i went through mentally. I Feel so old for my age. The life i cling onto now only exist within my love for pool and my future in engineering. Thats it. People, all the material items i have, the experiences. After you realize memories can be manually erased, love does not last forever, and experience is only a fleeting moment. what the fuck is there to live for? Once i past my threshold and fucked with all the experiences in my life to force myself to the way i am now...i should feel grateful. and honestly i do for a majority of the time...but for moments like this i have to just look at myself and think..what the fuck am i living for? I have done shit man shouldn't have. Aside from the past ideals, there is the present that refuses to shutup like a little voice inside my head. The person i am right now. who am i? The life i live is only a image and it slaps me in the face whenever i fail a test or do poorly in an assignment. One more nail to my coffin to prove that i have not changed..im just this guy trying to be another. The idea that a truth made into a lie is one a lie when you prove it to be is illustrated throughout my life. I cant shake the idea that i'm living a lie. I should be dead. But then again my persistant ass refuses to die. lol. goddamnit someone should just shoot me, i wouldn't file a lawsuit. i'd stare them straight in the eyes and say thank you. Maybe that would change two lives at once. Well i was lonely all today not because i dont have a girlfriend. at this moment im not stable enough to have a girlfriend. its just the fact that no matter how far i try to reach i cant help but realize im still in my own little world. I do this naturally because of my ace skill in isolating myself. Thats why ive been trying to force my blog onto people, show them i exist. i want to grow bonds beyond just the surface to show that this image is real. blah. this needs to stop. i need to stop.
This moment doesnt make my life any easier either cause each of these moments are a crack in the glass that i just replaced. They make me want to go back into the world where i was content being alone and thinking. RAWR FUCKIN HIT ME. i want to see my blood. i want to feel like im alive. i want to make sure i can feel pain and i can understand when i see someone sad now.
Funny thing is i was talking to colin recently about my life, because he still likes me and i told him im on a time limit. My two life goals to make me completely stable again contradict. I want to learn how to meditate again (that way i can connect the old thomas and new) and i want to fall in love again. The problem with that though is the closer i get to meditating the farther i will go into the thinking side of me. I dont want that. I told myself i would try to put a cap on it when i start meditating and stay fairly surface and think of nothing but the present. That would take the talent of the old thomas though...soo its a problem, cause the more i think the less i would want a girlfriend thats what i really need..in order to finish the fuckin cycle. Since i have to keep moving forward and obviously cant rush the girl, i have to work on just meditating. So what has to happen so that this works out is i have to meditate just enough to not have anymore blog post like this..then randomly bump into the girl and BAM stable for my life. even if i break up with her its that idea that i fuckin did it...i had chemistry with another girl while stable. Ehh i have to time it perfectly somehow though...Cause i have to start my meditating training asap cause the longer i wait the mroe i will forget. well thats enough for today. lol
This moment doesnt make my life any easier either cause each of these moments are a crack in the glass that i just replaced. They make me want to go back into the world where i was content being alone and thinking. RAWR FUCKIN HIT ME. i want to see my blood. i want to feel like im alive. i want to make sure i can feel pain and i can understand when i see someone sad now.
Funny thing is i was talking to colin recently about my life, because he still likes me and i told him im on a time limit. My two life goals to make me completely stable again contradict. I want to learn how to meditate again (that way i can connect the old thomas and new) and i want to fall in love again. The problem with that though is the closer i get to meditating the farther i will go into the thinking side of me. I dont want that. I told myself i would try to put a cap on it when i start meditating and stay fairly surface and think of nothing but the present. That would take the talent of the old thomas though...soo its a problem, cause the more i think the less i would want a girlfriend thats what i really need..in order to finish the fuckin cycle. Since i have to keep moving forward and obviously cant rush the girl, i have to work on just meditating. So what has to happen so that this works out is i have to meditate just enough to not have anymore blog post like this..then randomly bump into the girl and BAM stable for my life. even if i break up with her its that idea that i fuckin did it...i had chemistry with another girl while stable. Ehh i have to time it perfectly somehow though...Cause i have to start my meditating training asap cause the longer i wait the mroe i will forget. well thats enough for today. lol
Friday, May 28, 2010
get high drunk pussy and more
lol very vulgar title i know. but that is exactly how my life was like for two nights consecutively this week. I believe it was tuesday night..i was suppose to go to a party and for some reason they didnt accept college id's. and for some reason everyone whipped out passports. it was stupid. i ended up following V, linda tran's bf, to the heart of mattapan and we all drank and got high. the guys were cool. It wasnt until the end of the night when i was about to hop in the car one of V's friends was like..let me get a refill. ONE i paid for the fuckin liquor and had to haul my ass to get it, and i didnt even use any of it for its purpose. 2) i dont fuckin know the guy and i was high as shit. So idc who it is, when you open my bag and try to grab shit from my bag i take a step back even if i know what you want. i dont care. dont go through a man's bag if you want something you ask and if i say no its a no. lol I wasnt scared of them at all even though they were the stereotypical 6'5 250 lb black people. After i hopped in the car and closed my bag one of them came up to the car and was like...blah blah blah watch your boy when he comes back cause, my friend here, he's a alcoholic and your boy didnt give him a refill. I was scared at first cause i told him my neighborhood and what school i went to earlier. which was stupid i know but i needed a place to crash and i was talking to my friends which knew people at neu and they butt in on the conversation. so yeah..i was high out of my mind so thats all i heard. i didnt give a shit until 30 mins into my high i realized i told them my life, and i really didnt want them commin into the gameroom with their glock and shit. But yeah..they were super respectable. why do black people have to be so goddamn like..prideful. fuckin its my liquor. and besides theyre all over 21. assholes. that was the first night. wednesday night sabat asked me if i wanted to go to a strip club and i said sure. so we drank in the car until we were all like..really nicely buzzed and we went to the strip club. ass and tits everywhere. Sabat was trying to make me sit next to the stage and i did. i gave her 5 ones and she rubbed her boobs on my face and stuff. yeah. it was fun. tammy was there too. lol we sat next to this guy that was fuckin hammered talking to, who i thought, was the hottest stripper. i managed to keep up with the convo at first but then i said fuck it. The guy was from harvard and had the biggest ego, surprisingly he was super cool i would probably never hang out with him outside of the club though. lol he slid tammy his number almost instinctively. i got home pretty drunk still..and well..that ends the two night craziness
There are some other topics on my mind. Such as pool. i was having a bad day yesterday in pool and i got soo fuckin heated when a dude at the table next to me said "hey, can you please keep the childish noises to a minimum" cause i was like..bochenn rawr stop beating me. thats how i usually am. lol. its a funny kidding whiny voice. bochen knows i go serious on him though and i focus when its my shot. these guys were such douchebags. i was so heated i challenged them to a double. i technically ended up losing cause bochen ended up helping me win, i missed all my shots. i was so mad afterward i stayed in the pool hall for three more hours. close to breaking my stick. and they were complete noobs. they were still discussing how to position and shit. -_- and both of them had terrible form. I woulda fuckin raped them on a regular day. assholes. its okay though, i work there. next time i see them when im behind the desk ill be like..uhh..no..fuck off. lol. anywho. next topic
so has anyone been on the subway before and looking into the tinted glass when youre sitting at a corner? its so mindfucking. it makes no sense. its a mirror. but its not any mirror. you could see all the way to the end of the cart if you get close to the glass. its like..wtf that doesnt even make sense in physics. cause i know in physics it takes a mirror at least 1/3 your height to see your entire body. you have to get close to it. This proportion is wayyy out of range though..one window an entire cart? the light angling and shit just doesnt add up. i realized this when i was going to ashmont to meet up V on wednesday. lol. another thing about subways is, why do people use their hands to brush their chairs? i mean..there are those to make sure its not wet..then i see people brushing off crumbs. i was just w/e about that until i saw exactly what could actually happen on those subway seats. wednesday afternoon i was on a cart that had a puddle of shit..literally..excrement. shit...on the chair. the smell was terrible. and i see a guy shortly afterward picking shit off his chair and brushing it before he sits. im like..honestly. you use your hands ALOT more than the ass part of your pants. thats disgusting.
Next topic. So there are alot more girls in my life than i realized atm. Ran Ding, a very attractive female that began workin in the gameroom she looks straightup asian and has a british accent like some do that immigrate from hongkong...but shes actually born and raised in Africa. british colonized the part she lived in as well..thats so sexy. another girl is..shit i forgot her name.. french girl which also works in the gameroom. then there is chung chung, i got her number yesterday cause i met her at a party and we bumped into each other again she smokes too so i felt comfortable to be around her she said she'll contact me..today because she wants to hang out O.o. then theres tammy and jenny and im getting close to some of the wellsley girls again, talking to them on a daily basis. Theres also Daniela and Han (which i mentioned earlier) which are girls i just talk to friendly on a daily basis but tend to talk the initiative to contact me first even though we barely see each toher. huh..idk if its my ego..but the proportions between girls and guys (guys being just whoever is in the poolroom) is a bit..overrun. lol
Another topic. so i compltely forgot about meditation this entire week. aside from probably monday. it sucks how im not keeping up with it..the more gaps i put between my training the more years it will take me to get there. its like starting over if i dont do it everyday. poot.
Another topic. So my boss hates me, there are so many legitmate reasons why she would, i honestly dont blame her i was a terrible worker at first and she just seems to catch me on the most stupid moments. but yeah...idk..im considered the fuck up i guess.
Oh i was listening to the killers all day today and i got another epiphany. i know what i want tattooed. i want a beautiful moutain scenery tattooed on my arm. How does these two correlate? well its because the killers has this reoccurring image of mountains in their music videos..its rather subliminal. But i noticed it and thought of the symbolism and began to relate it to my life. Its a peek and its beautiful and not only did i say i always wanted to die alone in a beautiful natural scenery but i also continue onto my journey in serch of true beauty in this world. Its not within man because we cause hate. its not within love cause i been there. its another natural thing...to get this tattooed will not only mean that no matter where ill die ill be at a beautiful scenery but that i myself am true beauty. That is a lie. and its corny i know. but shit everyone has corny thoughts that keep them going right? whatever.
anywho. i think im going to wrap up. ummm how should i end? uhh...idk..w/e lol
There are some other topics on my mind. Such as pool. i was having a bad day yesterday in pool and i got soo fuckin heated when a dude at the table next to me said "hey, can you please keep the childish noises to a minimum" cause i was like..bochenn rawr stop beating me. thats how i usually am. lol. its a funny kidding whiny voice. bochen knows i go serious on him though and i focus when its my shot. these guys were such douchebags. i was so heated i challenged them to a double. i technically ended up losing cause bochen ended up helping me win, i missed all my shots. i was so mad afterward i stayed in the pool hall for three more hours. close to breaking my stick. and they were complete noobs. they were still discussing how to position and shit. -_- and both of them had terrible form. I woulda fuckin raped them on a regular day. assholes. its okay though, i work there. next time i see them when im behind the desk ill be like..uhh..no..fuck off. lol. anywho. next topic
so has anyone been on the subway before and looking into the tinted glass when youre sitting at a corner? its so mindfucking. it makes no sense. its a mirror. but its not any mirror. you could see all the way to the end of the cart if you get close to the glass. its like..wtf that doesnt even make sense in physics. cause i know in physics it takes a mirror at least 1/3 your height to see your entire body. you have to get close to it. This proportion is wayyy out of range though..one window an entire cart? the light angling and shit just doesnt add up. i realized this when i was going to ashmont to meet up V on wednesday. lol. another thing about subways is, why do people use their hands to brush their chairs? i mean..there are those to make sure its not wet..then i see people brushing off crumbs. i was just w/e about that until i saw exactly what could actually happen on those subway seats. wednesday afternoon i was on a cart that had a puddle of shit..literally..excrement. shit...on the chair. the smell was terrible. and i see a guy shortly afterward picking shit off his chair and brushing it before he sits. im like..honestly. you use your hands ALOT more than the ass part of your pants. thats disgusting.
Next topic. So there are alot more girls in my life than i realized atm. Ran Ding, a very attractive female that began workin in the gameroom she looks straightup asian and has a british accent like some do that immigrate from hongkong...but shes actually born and raised in Africa. british colonized the part she lived in as well..thats so sexy. another girl is..shit i forgot her name.. french girl which also works in the gameroom. then there is chung chung, i got her number yesterday cause i met her at a party and we bumped into each other again she smokes too so i felt comfortable to be around her she said she'll contact me..today because she wants to hang out O.o. then theres tammy and jenny and im getting close to some of the wellsley girls again, talking to them on a daily basis. Theres also Daniela and Han (which i mentioned earlier) which are girls i just talk to friendly on a daily basis but tend to talk the initiative to contact me first even though we barely see each toher. huh..idk if its my ego..but the proportions between girls and guys (guys being just whoever is in the poolroom) is a bit..overrun. lol
Another topic. so i compltely forgot about meditation this entire week. aside from probably monday. it sucks how im not keeping up with it..the more gaps i put between my training the more years it will take me to get there. its like starting over if i dont do it everyday. poot.
Another topic. So my boss hates me, there are so many legitmate reasons why she would, i honestly dont blame her i was a terrible worker at first and she just seems to catch me on the most stupid moments. but yeah...idk..im considered the fuck up i guess.
Oh i was listening to the killers all day today and i got another epiphany. i know what i want tattooed. i want a beautiful moutain scenery tattooed on my arm. How does these two correlate? well its because the killers has this reoccurring image of mountains in their music videos..its rather subliminal. But i noticed it and thought of the symbolism and began to relate it to my life. Its a peek and its beautiful and not only did i say i always wanted to die alone in a beautiful natural scenery but i also continue onto my journey in serch of true beauty in this world. Its not within man because we cause hate. its not within love cause i been there. its another natural thing...to get this tattooed will not only mean that no matter where ill die ill be at a beautiful scenery but that i myself am true beauty. That is a lie. and its corny i know. but shit everyone has corny thoughts that keep them going right? whatever.
anywho. i think im going to wrap up. ummm how should i end? uhh...idk..w/e lol
Monday, May 24, 2010
gnawing at my nails to find the nicotine that finds itself underneath
You know, I had a choice between two titles. It was either "My Perfect Day" or the one i posted. i've been waiting two days to post this blog post so i have alot to say. I chose this title cause i could have put a title emphasizing on the awesome weekend i had or i can be a bit more down to earth and tackle a problem. I watched a movie when i was little about one of those white moms that are a bit trashy and she was so addicted to smoking that she was biting her nails trying to get the nicotine that found itself underneath due to the smoke. her nails were as yellow as the filter cause she smoked packs a day. This thought terrifies me cause i notice myself already biting my nails so yeah >.>. i will never become like that. Anywho..
My perfect day! One of Kevin's most renown conversation starters is "What would your perfect day look like? down to like..fuckin..what you look at, which route you choose to get home..how many times you breath." ahha its a interesting question. Recently i actually experienced my perfect day and so i wish to share that with you now.
The day starts around 800..just early enough to consider it early. I was early for school for thirty mins and had a stats test (this is the only flaw to the day)...i bombed it. lol. but its w/e im retaking it and getting a A haha. School should end early. School for me ended around 10:30 due to my bombing of the test. During my perfect day, I should show someone my serious side. Right after class i had a Bottomline appointment just to catch up on stuff and well, I love my mentor, i think shes hot and she speaks realisticly and softly, reasonably. But during this appointment i got tired of her statistics because i just bombed a stats test so i was easily offended. Our appointment was pretty much all about my grades and what i wanted to do next year, Btw her name is Amy. She was looking at my grades and said, you want to stay at cps with these grades even though its so expensive? Its 15k MAX a year to graduate neu from next year henceforth with a BA. I said to her it wasnt that expensive, its close to UMASS cost except a bit more..and its worth it if its NEU. By the time this subject came into hand and she said that first question i already caught what she was implying and began to be offended. She went down the route i was wishing she didn't, she was telling me to just go to a community college because with the grades im getting, what good am i going to do at neu anymore? she refrained from using the word "Waste" when speaking about the money i had to pay. I was just waiting for her to say "You're wasting money staying at neu cause your gpa is continuing to be this bad, just go to a community college and get a 4.0 first" BUT SHE SAID EVERYTHING BUT THE WORD WASTE. lol. i used all my power to tell her fuck you politely. I said honestly, this is probably why i've been doing so bad in school, but i dont think school is all about the grades" and she responds by saying "thats exactly what its all about!!" and i continue by saying "its the experience and the challeneg and the learning experience. If i allow myself to downgrade now then who am i to myself? I have a pride issue, i know it but if i go to a community college, whos to say ill do better? i might just do worse because of the sole fact that i purposely bumped myself down" The conversation begins to get tense cause even though we were both speaking softly i was very serious..very offended. She said in response, "well whats to say youre going to do any better next year at neu?! foundation year gave you a chance pumped with resources and you didnt take it" I reply in response. "Hope. i have hope and confidence in myself because if i cannot do this then regardless of where i go afterward, i would have nothing" And while i was continuing my next statement by saying "I know, its suicidal but i'm the type that prefers to learn how to run before i walk..." and she excused herself from the table for five minutes. she went to the back to vent to the other mentors that i was crazy..the dean came out from the back before her and said so himself...hes a chill guy. I chuckled at that annoucement and waited for her response after she came back. Apparently she was doing research back there and she was looking up how much it would cost for me to stay at northeastern. She came back out with a calculator side by side and just started by saying..lets look at the financial part of this. My perfect day must include me showing my serious side and having people LISTEN to me. I felt a weight off my shoulders after she came back, ready to help again..im very grateful to have her as a mentor. We talk money and just..plans of my career and the reoccuring theme was, "I have to have hope and confidence and do this for myself and because if i can't survive in northeastern then i like...completely fail at life and thats that" She realized that since im taking night classes ill be working in the morning as well and commuting at night. She sighed but continued the conversation. After i left we were on good terms and i had three more hours until work and it was noon by the time i got back on campus. My perfect day has to have good weather and alot of free time. I ended up reading to sleep on a very comfortable bench...and woke up with people sitting around me and still having more free time! it was a great feeling. It was just enough free time for me to stretch and kinda take a breather though. so i didnt have time to be bored. I went to work and i work from 3-8. My perfect day has to include me earning money and easily..or enjoyably. My job was dead easy and once it striked 6 i have already went through 3 episodes of trigun, finished my hw, and got bored..i blasted music and sang along from 6-8. My perfet day should include MUSIC and a perfect amount of me time vs people time. After this shift alone, periodically talking to random people and holding funny conversations with lost people passing my info desk, i decided to walk towards BLS because it was BLS asian night. my perfect day should also include MINIMAL expenses I snuck into asian night cause it was already 8 by the time i got there, i left work early. Right when i walked into i felt at home again...there were people..a whole ROOM full of people laughing and happy. After doing a shift which had very little human contact its good to see alot of people happy. It makes my day. so i enjoy last three shifts by finding a random empty seat and sitting alone. Afterward i saw all my bls friends. and it was great. My perfect day has to include either, a good amount of my best friends together randomly or a significant other. :] I did not expect to see so many 09'ers. after that me and donvu had a heart to heart conversation walking around and had dinner together. My perfect day should involve bonding with another, just as much as i bonded with myself that day. it was a perfect day. I kept busy but had free time at the same time. Sigh* i just wish i Ace'd that test. that night i went home and my whole family was there. I realized this was a perfect day on the walk home while smoking. lol.
Anywho there is alot more i want to talk about but this entry is long enough. I've been getting closer than ever before to meditating and already sucessfully meditated once for ten minutes. I was left completely drained though.. Keep updated.
My perfect day! One of Kevin's most renown conversation starters is "What would your perfect day look like? down to like..fuckin..what you look at, which route you choose to get home..how many times you breath." ahha its a interesting question. Recently i actually experienced my perfect day and so i wish to share that with you now.
The day starts around 800..just early enough to consider it early. I was early for school for thirty mins and had a stats test (this is the only flaw to the day)...i bombed it. lol. but its w/e im retaking it and getting a A haha. School should end early. School for me ended around 10:30 due to my bombing of the test. During my perfect day, I should show someone my serious side. Right after class i had a Bottomline appointment just to catch up on stuff and well, I love my mentor, i think shes hot and she speaks realisticly and softly, reasonably. But during this appointment i got tired of her statistics because i just bombed a stats test so i was easily offended. Our appointment was pretty much all about my grades and what i wanted to do next year, Btw her name is Amy. She was looking at my grades and said, you want to stay at cps with these grades even though its so expensive? Its 15k MAX a year to graduate neu from next year henceforth with a BA. I said to her it wasnt that expensive, its close to UMASS cost except a bit more..and its worth it if its NEU. By the time this subject came into hand and she said that first question i already caught what she was implying and began to be offended. She went down the route i was wishing she didn't, she was telling me to just go to a community college because with the grades im getting, what good am i going to do at neu anymore? she refrained from using the word "Waste" when speaking about the money i had to pay. I was just waiting for her to say "You're wasting money staying at neu cause your gpa is continuing to be this bad, just go to a community college and get a 4.0 first" BUT SHE SAID EVERYTHING BUT THE WORD WASTE. lol. i used all my power to tell her fuck you politely. I said honestly, this is probably why i've been doing so bad in school, but i dont think school is all about the grades" and she responds by saying "thats exactly what its all about!!" and i continue by saying "its the experience and the challeneg and the learning experience. If i allow myself to downgrade now then who am i to myself? I have a pride issue, i know it but if i go to a community college, whos to say ill do better? i might just do worse because of the sole fact that i purposely bumped myself down" The conversation begins to get tense cause even though we were both speaking softly i was very serious..very offended. She said in response, "well whats to say youre going to do any better next year at neu?! foundation year gave you a chance pumped with resources and you didnt take it" I reply in response. "Hope. i have hope and confidence in myself because if i cannot do this then regardless of where i go afterward, i would have nothing" And while i was continuing my next statement by saying "I know, its suicidal but i'm the type that prefers to learn how to run before i walk..." and she excused herself from the table for five minutes. she went to the back to vent to the other mentors that i was crazy..the dean came out from the back before her and said so himself...hes a chill guy. I chuckled at that annoucement and waited for her response after she came back. Apparently she was doing research back there and she was looking up how much it would cost for me to stay at northeastern. She came back out with a calculator side by side and just started by saying..lets look at the financial part of this. My perfect day must include me showing my serious side and having people LISTEN to me. I felt a weight off my shoulders after she came back, ready to help again..im very grateful to have her as a mentor. We talk money and just..plans of my career and the reoccuring theme was, "I have to have hope and confidence and do this for myself and because if i can't survive in northeastern then i like...completely fail at life and thats that" She realized that since im taking night classes ill be working in the morning as well and commuting at night. She sighed but continued the conversation. After i left we were on good terms and i had three more hours until work and it was noon by the time i got back on campus. My perfect day has to have good weather and alot of free time. I ended up reading to sleep on a very comfortable bench...and woke up with people sitting around me and still having more free time! it was a great feeling. It was just enough free time for me to stretch and kinda take a breather though. so i didnt have time to be bored. I went to work and i work from 3-8. My perfect day has to include me earning money and easily..or enjoyably. My job was dead easy and once it striked 6 i have already went through 3 episodes of trigun, finished my hw, and got bored..i blasted music and sang along from 6-8. My perfet day should include MUSIC and a perfect amount of me time vs people time. After this shift alone, periodically talking to random people and holding funny conversations with lost people passing my info desk, i decided to walk towards BLS because it was BLS asian night. my perfect day should also include MINIMAL expenses I snuck into asian night cause it was already 8 by the time i got there, i left work early. Right when i walked into i felt at home again...there were people..a whole ROOM full of people laughing and happy. After doing a shift which had very little human contact its good to see alot of people happy. It makes my day. so i enjoy last three shifts by finding a random empty seat and sitting alone. Afterward i saw all my bls friends. and it was great. My perfect day has to include either, a good amount of my best friends together randomly or a significant other. :] I did not expect to see so many 09'ers. after that me and donvu had a heart to heart conversation walking around and had dinner together. My perfect day should involve bonding with another, just as much as i bonded with myself that day. it was a perfect day. I kept busy but had free time at the same time. Sigh* i just wish i Ace'd that test. that night i went home and my whole family was there. I realized this was a perfect day on the walk home while smoking. lol.
Anywho there is alot more i want to talk about but this entry is long enough. I've been getting closer than ever before to meditating and already sucessfully meditated once for ten minutes. I was left completely drained though.. Keep updated.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
USE THE FORCE!
So, after i cleared up from the last blog (took about 30 mins after the blog was posted) i was pretty much back to mellow me except for the fact that i gained revived energy but i dont mind it at all. Matter of fact, I feel like im Mr. Awesome. Im so awesome that i think im ready..even though as shown from the last blog post im definitely not. but shit..i mean when will i be ready then, you know?..well of course you dont know because i havent said anything yet. I want to regain anger. The feeling of impatience and like..just..disgust. Very bad idea. and knowing my history with stress and anger im pretty much lighting a match next to a pile of already-drowned-in-lighter-fluid-self. cause i've been there and done that and its much harder to gain good attributes rather than bad. but idk.like geez. when was the last time i can say i've felt a adrenline rush? i used to run on that shit every single day. lol. It was a great..well better now cause i dont need it to tell myself im awesome but with a external force, such as anger. Help shit push along idk..anything can happen! ANYTHING! lol. probably i'll go and allow myself to feel anger, this is very easy for me because all i need to do is reintroduce anger. whenever someone fucs with me instead of just letting it go with a completely blank head i can tell myself:Hey thomas, this is ANGER. but yeah...idk..more digression on a later day. im tired as shit .lol
Editt:
Further digression must include pool. There is a new guy in NEU and geez...bochen cant beat him. This terrifies me. That means that even the smallest fuck up is intentional. can you believe that?! I cant even wrap my head around how good he is. thats how good he is. lol. its like..krilin is to freeza's fourth transformation as i am to this guy. I call him Mcdermott guy cause he always has his mcdermott cue stick and it looks almost identical to my lucasi.His real name is Baran and hes turkish! haha i threw the few turkish words i knew at him and we had a fun conversation haha. Even though i know that every time he misses hes going easy on me he's so good that he can messup and put the ball places that would make the game just challenging enough for me. I like his modest system of teaching and honestly, i bitch and moan about it in the pool room cause if i see a shot that i can do that he cant, its obvious he gave me too much slack. but he rarely does that and usually we have reallly fun games that leaves him laughing and me sweating bullets lol
Pool, work, hw, home :P
Editt:
Further digression must include pool. There is a new guy in NEU and geez...bochen cant beat him. This terrifies me. That means that even the smallest fuck up is intentional. can you believe that?! I cant even wrap my head around how good he is. thats how good he is. lol. its like..krilin is to freeza's fourth transformation as i am to this guy. I call him Mcdermott guy cause he always has his mcdermott cue stick and it looks almost identical to my lucasi.His real name is Baran and hes turkish! haha i threw the few turkish words i knew at him and we had a fun conversation haha. Even though i know that every time he misses hes going easy on me he's so good that he can messup and put the ball places that would make the game just challenging enough for me. I like his modest system of teaching and honestly, i bitch and moan about it in the pool room cause if i see a shot that i can do that he cant, its obvious he gave me too much slack. but he rarely does that and usually we have reallly fun games that leaves him laughing and me sweating bullets lol
Pool, work, hw, home :P
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Happiness is surreal
It's beginning and im so confused. Im battling myself like i did in the past and i must take a stand. Part of me REALLY wants to question myself and i feel as if there is nothing but gain. the other side of me says FUCK YOU! no more thinking!! im STABLE. The old thomas always believed that the pattern of life creates change naturally but the transformation can never be for the better if we do not question it and find out the flaws. Happiness is surreal because it is like story which is only true when you make it true. One can feel genuinely happy if they truely believed that they were happy, even through the most stressful times. Is my happiness surreal? Old thomas inside wishes to know. Me currently sees it as something that shouldn't be tampered with because my stablilty is probably a illusion as well. I dont want to find something like that out, and besides im just looking for reasons to be unstable. Maybe Jenny Hoac was right, when i learn how to meditate would that do me any good? ill not only remember the old self but ill see the truth again and the truth is nothing but anger and resentment for self and world around. Wtf do i do now? Im battling myself right now in my head. both sides are finding the flaws for one another and laying out the pros and cons. Is being mellow so good anyways? I became mellow just because of the natural transitions in life but does it truely make me happy and stable? It's just an easy way to keep isolated so my life seems stable. Today i hung out with a awesome group of people and to be honest, i didnt enjoy it much at all after i left them. Im actually growing to be so mellow that i prefer to be alone. So if i dont learn to meditate and face myself then i'll end up turning into someone i dont like anyways. Isolated and thinking again. so why run from the inevitable? At least if i go at it now i can face the problem and continue with my image before i loose too many friends. The new me sees hope in myself that i will know better. If there wasn't hope that the mellow me isnt here for a reason, why would i be doing it? It seems as if im more compelled to think about it now. but im still able to hold it back with the simple statement.."i am stable and happy and this is what i asked for when i achieved my life goal" if i jump deck before giving it a shot and fuck..probably i will change into a thinker again in the end but at least i lived like a human for longer than i ever did. I can put away these thoughts and continue enjoying the life i have and enjoying the beauty around me with a naive and innocent mind tomorrow if i decide tonight that i dont want to think. These complex dilemmas were so easy for me to just..face choose the best side but now that im human im stuck with the immature mentality that perfers gradual change rather than manual change. I just want to be happy. Someone needs to seriously just..love me. and i can put both sides at rest. that happiness is external. it will never be surreal unless you lied to yourself in the first place. *sgh* Fuck the last entry..meditation can wait until i have a stronger mind and feel confident that everything im doing in life is right. That way old thomas cant put in his two sense and still believe that living alone and thinking is the best idea. I'm definitely going to need more alone time in the future to figure this out. I want to meditate but why would i if it contradicts my current self? perhaps there is a way around it. i knew there was. I need to be more confident that my mellow self will not become a thinker. False gold is real to those who do not see reality. I want to reach such a level where im so content with my life that productive or not, fake or not. idc, the life i live is what i define as happiness. I want to live. I've decided, not to think. but in respects to the other concept which has strong ideas and reasoning..i will have to give this some time. Love.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Reminissions
So, today was great. I've realized that im seriously stabilizing. Thats why my pool skills are actually improving now. Nothing but good news right now! :D There is a distinct pattern that i actually dont mind. Surprisingly i find myself actually busy with plans everyday. Before it was that i slacked soo much that i didn't have a chance to do my shit but now im keeping up even though i have soo many things to do with my days! OMFG the tip broke off my stick >:[ im so mad. rawrr..my beautiful stick :[ im sorry baby. One of these things would be hanging out with people i have not chilled with in like..literally 5 years. I also play pool and work. that is pretty much it.
Relating to the title. Today as i sat down thinking about what to title..what to write about. I realized i already knew. I think now is the best time to rethink what im doing with my life. see what im doing. I'm going to try to meditate again. and ladis and gents. the day i can mediate again ill quit smoking instantly. lol. we'll see how it goes. but yeah...throughout the whole week..hanging out with childhood friends..writing a letter for jenny hoac's time capsule, telling her about my past, hanging out with lauren, visitng ob, hanging out with monica, having a fuckin stable life. haha all in this week. I want to see how thomas is truely doing. That might harm me? unnecessary drama? most likely. but it must be done :] lets see if i even can. or am i too fuckin human? lol. i have enough motivation so ill hop right to it. Ooh and listening to this song from avenged sevenfold, Reminissions.
"A good friend once told me you are our memory
without them we equal nothing
And all I can see is the place I wanna be
suddenly my life was so free
Leaves at my feet, blown to the ground
their echoes are reaching my ears
Nights coming fast, suns going down
But keep away from me... keep away from me
(it's hard, to keep me in this place, keep away from me)
We may have created the beginning, mentally
We may have created the beginning, physically
To the end of our human existence..."
interesting lyrics. Im excited to see how this goes.
Relating to the title. Today as i sat down thinking about what to title..what to write about. I realized i already knew. I think now is the best time to rethink what im doing with my life. see what im doing. I'm going to try to meditate again. and ladis and gents. the day i can mediate again ill quit smoking instantly. lol. we'll see how it goes. but yeah...throughout the whole week..hanging out with childhood friends..writing a letter for jenny hoac's time capsule, telling her about my past, hanging out with lauren, visitng ob, hanging out with monica, having a fuckin stable life. haha all in this week. I want to see how thomas is truely doing. That might harm me? unnecessary drama? most likely. but it must be done :] lets see if i even can. or am i too fuckin human? lol. i have enough motivation so ill hop right to it. Ooh and listening to this song from avenged sevenfold, Reminissions.
"A good friend once told me you are our memory
without them we equal nothing
And all I can see is the place I wanna be
suddenly my life was so free
Leaves at my feet, blown to the ground
their echoes are reaching my ears
Nights coming fast, suns going down
But keep away from me... keep away from me
(it's hard, to keep me in this place, keep away from me)
We may have created the beginning, mentally
We may have created the beginning, physically
To the end of our human existence..."
interesting lyrics. Im excited to see how this goes.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Smokin' HOT
Extremely Long post ahead! i was outlining this post roughly lastnight before i fell asleep cause i knew i had to cover a series of topics about my life so here it is
1) Intro-(mothers day, life, mood, etc)
2) Bu two days ago
3) smoking
4) music
5) pool
6) outlook on life
I feel like i missed some stuff cause actually i fell asleep at 6pm yday and didnt wake up until this morning. I was very exhausted. lol. So the outline i said i made was only in my head. lol. So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERYONE! Im lookin forward to going out to eat for my mom tonight! :] its going to be fun. Hum My mood right now is good. Everyone for once is at home together. Its beautiful weather outside. Like usual when my sisters are together they tend to just sleep? Idk why. Like usual, my dad is doing some fixing house or equipment crap and im on my computer and mom is cooking. Usually my sister can sleep up until dinner time and come rushing out like YUMMY food! i would still be on the computer doing something so compelling that i would have to pull myself away to eat. haha my dad would be the last one to come to the dinner table cause hell be bringing in the tools and stuff. But today even though it loos very cliche its going to be different!! cause i need to take a shower since i didnt last night lol and we are going out to eat for mothers day :]..which leaves me to wonder why my mom is cooking O.o.I guess its all part of the nostalgic family image. haha So lets begin!
Wow, i must say..Bu two days ago was probably a life changing event that i took very lightly. Im learning how to be very comfortable about myself, and speaking aout my personal thoughts with the firm confidence i have with everything else. ITs a side i didnt see come out so suddenly. I met two new people two days ago (the reason why i was so exhausted this morning)friday night i visited bu and slept over until saturday morning. I met two people one named Bryant (aka zed) and another being Stephy. For some reason i was veryy naturally comfortable around Stephy and told stephy a brief summary about my life. Weird huh? but lets rewind. Why was i at bu anyways?! excellent quesion. and i wondered that as i waited in the lobby of the warren towers for this girl we shall call Han. Han likes me alot....she told everyone. haha. I met her at a picnic a month or so ago. It was a awesome picnic cause moses hosted it and we ended up playing catch phrase the whole time until i left for work. Apparently, after i left i left an impression on someone because she shortly added me on facebook and continued to keep in contact and not too long later...got my phone number and began to text me. I of course would not shoo away a fellow creep ahaha so i responded and stuff...well.she likes me ALOT. So friday, after talking to Jenny Hoac, i realized that i needed to tell her how i feel about her. I dont like her. I probably could if i allowed myself. But i dont want that. So i sat in the lobby that friday afternoon debating how i should go about it or if i should even tell her. For some reason i left the lobby, her by my side still undecided because i felt like i should let go and just be with her. i might find my sentimental side and she'll be happy. double win right?...is it worth giving up the stable life i have now? (yes i have a very stable life right now) lol i sigh and decide in the end that i would simply let the day play out and keep the two sides at the back of my head. If she steps a line ill have to tell her the truth. She gave me space though. and we talked very friendly. I liked that alot. Made me feel even worse if i even thought about blurting out my blunt rejection. But regardless i promised Jenny i would not flirt. And i didnt. haha BOOYAH IF YOURE READING <3 lol. so yeah she was the reason why i was at BU. Me and Han did nothing special. talked like normal i purposely allowed her to feel more distant with my more mature responses. We ended up going to stephy's room just cause we ran out of things to do. Stephy was alone so we stayed there the whole night with dan, jesse and bryant. Yeah, once Han left the room and stephy and bryant approached me about her and i was surprisingly at ease s i told them how i felt. This sudden feeling of comfort continued through the night. But yeah..Han left the room around 4-5 exhausted cause Bryant and Dan were still up gaming and she really wanted to sleep. we had to decide who wanted to stay and in the end, i stayed in the room with stephy as everyone left around 5. We stayed up until 7 talking about ourselves. Mostly about relationships and i felt very comfrtable talking about phi. I told her she was at bu and how it took me 6 years to get over her. It was my response to her when she asked me if i ever experienced true love. She commented on my story by saying, "Thats Obsession, its different". It got me thinking but eh.. I only gave a 5 min summary and i was tired so it might have sounded like pure obsession since it was one sided. We got pretty personal and stayed that way until we both agreed to get some sleep. She woke me up at 11 and kicked me out cause her parents were here. I complied and left. She was such a beautiful person..Inside. I learned to respect her and see another layer. but no i am not attracted to her the slightest bit. lol So next topic!
SMOKINGGG oh my oh my. readers. Please dont look. The day after i left bu. I smoked soo much. In fact ive been smoking alot in general. I've been becoming addicted to the serenity i grasp after tugging a nice one under the hot sun. On average, i smoke 4-5 a day. The day i left BU alot was running through my head and i smoked 6 times in a course of 3 hours. Yikes. Im sorry people. lol. if it makes you feel better, i havent smoked in the past 24 hours. lol. ive been asleep 90% of the past 24 hours. I want a smoke right now >.>
INTERPOL im getting into them Finally. It started with Take you on a cruise and i have that shit still on replay. haha they are beginning to flood my playlist :] its more mellow than the strokes or Kings of convience. I think by the end of this, i would be the most mellow person you've met. cause my music continues to be more and more mellow. Of course, i continue to listen to metal here and there. but mellow all the wayy.
POOL. Dude. Im disgusting. im sorry. but now fuck shooting. i can do that (unless its balls in the middle of the table, for some reaon i cant make those angled shots.)but dude. i give people serious trouble. haha i learned a new break and my stroke greatly improved. I played ray and this other guy (both 7 years experience) and i gave them a good long game. :]. Im still far off from Bochen but..Im getting there bochen!!
LIFE? Moving forward! :D sure i still have that outlook that i have to get dirty here and there. nothig is going to be drama free for me. but life is great. Life is better single. Peace!
1) Intro-(mothers day, life, mood, etc)
2) Bu two days ago
3) smoking
4) music
5) pool
6) outlook on life
I feel like i missed some stuff cause actually i fell asleep at 6pm yday and didnt wake up until this morning. I was very exhausted. lol. So the outline i said i made was only in my head. lol. So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERYONE! Im lookin forward to going out to eat for my mom tonight! :] its going to be fun. Hum My mood right now is good. Everyone for once is at home together. Its beautiful weather outside. Like usual when my sisters are together they tend to just sleep? Idk why. Like usual, my dad is doing some fixing house or equipment crap and im on my computer and mom is cooking. Usually my sister can sleep up until dinner time and come rushing out like YUMMY food! i would still be on the computer doing something so compelling that i would have to pull myself away to eat. haha my dad would be the last one to come to the dinner table cause hell be bringing in the tools and stuff. But today even though it loos very cliche its going to be different!! cause i need to take a shower since i didnt last night lol and we are going out to eat for mothers day :]..which leaves me to wonder why my mom is cooking O.o.I guess its all part of the nostalgic family image. haha So lets begin!
Wow, i must say..Bu two days ago was probably a life changing event that i took very lightly. Im learning how to be very comfortable about myself, and speaking aout my personal thoughts with the firm confidence i have with everything else. ITs a side i didnt see come out so suddenly. I met two new people two days ago (the reason why i was so exhausted this morning)friday night i visited bu and slept over until saturday morning. I met two people one named Bryant (aka zed) and another being Stephy. For some reason i was veryy naturally comfortable around Stephy and told stephy a brief summary about my life. Weird huh? but lets rewind. Why was i at bu anyways?! excellent quesion. and i wondered that as i waited in the lobby of the warren towers for this girl we shall call Han. Han likes me alot....she told everyone. haha. I met her at a picnic a month or so ago. It was a awesome picnic cause moses hosted it and we ended up playing catch phrase the whole time until i left for work. Apparently, after i left i left an impression on someone because she shortly added me on facebook and continued to keep in contact and not too long later...got my phone number and began to text me. I of course would not shoo away a fellow creep ahaha so i responded and stuff...well.she likes me ALOT. So friday, after talking to Jenny Hoac, i realized that i needed to tell her how i feel about her. I dont like her. I probably could if i allowed myself. But i dont want that. So i sat in the lobby that friday afternoon debating how i should go about it or if i should even tell her. For some reason i left the lobby, her by my side still undecided because i felt like i should let go and just be with her. i might find my sentimental side and she'll be happy. double win right?...is it worth giving up the stable life i have now? (yes i have a very stable life right now) lol i sigh and decide in the end that i would simply let the day play out and keep the two sides at the back of my head. If she steps a line ill have to tell her the truth. She gave me space though. and we talked very friendly. I liked that alot. Made me feel even worse if i even thought about blurting out my blunt rejection. But regardless i promised Jenny i would not flirt. And i didnt. haha BOOYAH IF YOURE READING <3 lol. so yeah she was the reason why i was at BU. Me and Han did nothing special. talked like normal i purposely allowed her to feel more distant with my more mature responses. We ended up going to stephy's room just cause we ran out of things to do. Stephy was alone so we stayed there the whole night with dan, jesse and bryant. Yeah, once Han left the room and stephy and bryant approached me about her and i was surprisingly at ease s i told them how i felt. This sudden feeling of comfort continued through the night. But yeah..Han left the room around 4-5 exhausted cause Bryant and Dan were still up gaming and she really wanted to sleep. we had to decide who wanted to stay and in the end, i stayed in the room with stephy as everyone left around 5. We stayed up until 7 talking about ourselves. Mostly about relationships and i felt very comfrtable talking about phi. I told her she was at bu and how it took me 6 years to get over her. It was my response to her when she asked me if i ever experienced true love. She commented on my story by saying, "Thats Obsession, its different". It got me thinking but eh.. I only gave a 5 min summary and i was tired so it might have sounded like pure obsession since it was one sided. We got pretty personal and stayed that way until we both agreed to get some sleep. She woke me up at 11 and kicked me out cause her parents were here. I complied and left. She was such a beautiful person..Inside. I learned to respect her and see another layer. but no i am not attracted to her the slightest bit. lol So next topic!
SMOKINGGG oh my oh my. readers. Please dont look. The day after i left bu. I smoked soo much. In fact ive been smoking alot in general. I've been becoming addicted to the serenity i grasp after tugging a nice one under the hot sun. On average, i smoke 4-5 a day. The day i left BU alot was running through my head and i smoked 6 times in a course of 3 hours. Yikes. Im sorry people. lol. if it makes you feel better, i havent smoked in the past 24 hours. lol. ive been asleep 90% of the past 24 hours. I want a smoke right now >.>
INTERPOL im getting into them Finally. It started with Take you on a cruise and i have that shit still on replay. haha they are beginning to flood my playlist :] its more mellow than the strokes or Kings of convience. I think by the end of this, i would be the most mellow person you've met. cause my music continues to be more and more mellow. Of course, i continue to listen to metal here and there. but mellow all the wayy.
POOL. Dude. Im disgusting. im sorry. but now fuck shooting. i can do that (unless its balls in the middle of the table, for some reaon i cant make those angled shots.)but dude. i give people serious trouble. haha i learned a new break and my stroke greatly improved. I played ray and this other guy (both 7 years experience) and i gave them a good long game. :]. Im still far off from Bochen but..Im getting there bochen!!
LIFE? Moving forward! :D sure i still have that outlook that i have to get dirty here and there. nothig is going to be drama free for me. but life is great. Life is better single. Peace!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Love yourself
This blog post is for Those that do not and completely oblivious, are trying to, and already, Love themselves. This question has present itself to me recently and deemed worthy for my attention. I've noticed that even as far as the end of freshman year in college. People Fail to even grasp what it means to love oneself. There is nothing false behind the phrase, "You must first love yourself, before you can love others" hell, i'll say i dont love myself completely yet. there are still some regrets i hold on to. I hesitate constantly about my life and fear change. But i love myself at least enough to understand this much. There are some people out there i just...cant look at because they are so bright but they fail to see the light. (nice pun i know)lol. But seriously, this especially happens for overly studious people who trained themselves to work work work work. They dont give themselves a break they put their love for another before the love for themselves and even though its beneficial..sooner or later it will break you because you do not love yourself. You cannot specify what should be the utmost importance in your life before you've seen what you have to appreciate in your life is what im saying. There are people i talk to now constantly depressed because they feel like every step they take is in the wrong direction. I hope im clear with at least the conceptual aspect of this topic. So if you caught on you will now find yourself asking HOW and WHY? why would one need to love themselves if i know what im doing with my life? The answer tot hat is easy. If you dont love yourself (loving yourself directly translates to understanding yourself and your needs and wants etc) then you technically DONT know what you are doing with your life. Your relationship is failing. i wonder why. There is a steady stream of bad karma i wonder why. lol If you understood yourself and made not the RIGHT choices but the BEST choices. one would see that the circumstances would be greater influenced for the better. But since you only see the right choices and the bad circumstance, you wonder WHY ME. Well..this leads to How. how te fuck do you break out of your cycle. Its simple. Begin with the basics. Your family. You hate them..clearly..because you hate yourself. you are distant from people perhaps? clearly. because you dont know the type of person you are. you dont know the type of people you relate to. Or maybe your relationship never quenches that thirst that you yearn for. The social life shows whether you love yourself or not very clearly. Fuck shit i hate my family and i refuse to accept the way they are. The difference between my prospective and the prospective of one which does not love themselves is the fact that i've move past that and learned to accept the way they are. not because they are of their own individual world. but because they made me who i am and who am i? I am a man that loves his family for who they are because i love myself and appreciate the upbringing i was brought up in. Loving yourself is not hard at all. It involves rationalizing and thinking more logically on why your life is shit. Hell, i still forever live in a shit hole and i loved myself this whole time..doesnt mean i dont life in a shithole. It means that i have the confidence to get over it though in time. This is why i took this blog so seriously! some people love themselves naturally. Others had to work for what they have alot more than others therefore they forgot to spend more time on themselves. Which is fine. But loving yourself is the CORE source to the most Basic and simple confidence. the confidence that allows us to just get up every morning. Of course if mastered it can do wonders, as i too have experienced. But loving yourself too much may leave no room for others. You can always have too much of a good thing. in fact, i Loved myself so much i spent 7 years building a impenetrable fort. which i spent several more years tearing down. haha anywho. Please people. Love yourself. Never regret, for regretting is only the raw consequence of not fully understanding the results of your decisions! haha that RAW aspect, the fundamentals, of regret is derived from not loving yourself. THINK ABOUT IT
On another note. I guess im doing fine right now. Alot is happening cause im standing up you know..kicking and punching. Alive and pursuing, if you will. lol. recently i've been entering a new chapter of my life i've been trying to release myself from. I think hang helped me get out of it because i saw she was in the same state. Its a depressing state where you want to be ALONE like..i sat at frog pond for hours on end just looking in...talking on the phone..smoking. lol. another time i walked from downtown to foresthills in a matter of 3 hours cause i walked to relfection pool and just sat there. I was listening to my music and stuff. I was obsessed with serenity. There is no problem with that. but i dont want to be that type of person. Im gld that its a side of me that has really come out and expressed itself more lately but i love life too much to sit another moment just thinking about it. I want to embrace, feel, breath, taste the air around me the people and the experiences. Its a world of people that my body has lacked. I will learn how to meditate. But it will never take away my life. Thank you.
EDITT::
This is what i wrote to cung, There was no reply
WarCryExtremist: It seems to me that your recent endeavours have left me questioning myself as a person. And i must say i apologize for my misconduct. I wanted to do this rightfully in person but something tells me this would not happen so smoothly as it does in my mind. I feel like a truce should be made because i hate silence. That would bring nothing but negative circumstances to the nearby communities
WarCryExtremist: :]
WarCryExtremist: Now for whatever reason you have, you can consider of unimporantance i will of course respect, but i have done my part and i want to let you know that you are as much a friend to me as i am to you henceforth
That part that says "now for whatever reason you have (that) you can consider of unimportance i will of course respect" was a trying to sound smart part responding to the predicted response he would put saying "IDC" or something of the sort. lol butyeah. he's exactly like Huy, Christ.
On another note. I guess im doing fine right now. Alot is happening cause im standing up you know..kicking and punching. Alive and pursuing, if you will. lol. recently i've been entering a new chapter of my life i've been trying to release myself from. I think hang helped me get out of it because i saw she was in the same state. Its a depressing state where you want to be ALONE like..i sat at frog pond for hours on end just looking in...talking on the phone..smoking. lol. another time i walked from downtown to foresthills in a matter of 3 hours cause i walked to relfection pool and just sat there. I was listening to my music and stuff. I was obsessed with serenity. There is no problem with that. but i dont want to be that type of person. Im gld that its a side of me that has really come out and expressed itself more lately but i love life too much to sit another moment just thinking about it. I want to embrace, feel, breath, taste the air around me the people and the experiences. Its a world of people that my body has lacked. I will learn how to meditate. But it will never take away my life. Thank you.
EDITT::
This is what i wrote to cung, There was no reply
WarCryExtremist: It seems to me that your recent endeavours have left me questioning myself as a person. And i must say i apologize for my misconduct. I wanted to do this rightfully in person but something tells me this would not happen so smoothly as it does in my mind. I feel like a truce should be made because i hate silence. That would bring nothing but negative circumstances to the nearby communities
WarCryExtremist: :]
WarCryExtremist: Now for whatever reason you have, you can consider of unimporantance i will of course respect, but i have done my part and i want to let you know that you are as much a friend to me as i am to you henceforth
That part that says "now for whatever reason you have (that) you can consider of unimportance i will of course respect" was a trying to sound smart part responding to the predicted response he would put saying "IDC" or something of the sort. lol butyeah. he's exactly like Huy, Christ.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)