Trigun

You know, anime's can teach a person ALOT. Take fullmetal alechemist for example...hehe. in this case. Trigun. For the past week i've been re-watching trigun because i bought a airsoft gun and felt very..gun like...completely forgetting how the anime went aside for the fact that it was really good. This is the pros to having bad memory. ehhe i can watch movies/tv shows infinite amount as long as i wait a period of time and itll be as if i never watched it before. Well this is a very big part of my life because this anime actually brought back some very important memories. What was old thomas thinking, what did he have planned for me? why did he live the way he did? how much did he actually suffer? I saw myself in vash's shoes completely and they did the best job illustrating how a mental breakdown looks. It reminded be of the pain i went through and why i should be and am grateful for who i am now. The memory is already beginning to fade, because it was quite painful. If you want to know how i felt back then watch like..episode 23-25 of trigun. I also remembered why i just..could not be around girls crying. i hated it for the longest time. Over time, only the feeling of extreme dislike for girls crying remained because of the origins that was forgotten, now i dont care at all. But i remmeber why i did. Since girls are more emotional than guys, not judging..its true to a very far extent. When they cry its usually due to a situation where they can find no exit and they are caught within themselves and forced into fetal position, fetal postion being crying. Its how i used to feel and to see it happen to other people shook me down to the marrow of my bones cause it was so unfortunate. Idk..just a thought. but this glipse of a flashback gave me a hint on how to blend the two Thomas's without meditating or falling in love. All i need to do is understand what i was trying to do and remember it. haha. This in itself would give me eternal happiness. Fuck why did old thomas have to be so damn complex? it was a very between the lines thought i only managed to grasp when Vash woke up after 10 nights of sleep because he had a mental breakdown. Then he was feeling okay...until he remembered everything and made a blood curling scream. I remember that scream..i used to have it. Insanity. *sigh* So its true, one must feel eternal pain to truely find true beauty in life. This is going to be fun. now i know why i started smoking...and why the old thomas in me loves smoking even though it was against everything. I Still had some memories when i started..These lyrics should do it justice. but i drained these lyrics of all effect cause i listened to it so much XP

Atreyu-dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the 6th time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
Stop, look around, the stuff you see rebuild, renown,
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.

I just smoked three times straight and editted this blog post twice cause i find ways to throw relating thoughts....hopefully giving further future thomas an idea of what i remembere. haha

But honestly, this is not a depressing post in any sort. Its a lead and it makes me very happy actually, to know that there is an alternative to reach my life goal. a song that started playing in my head my head while i was writing this blog..i have yet to decipher the lyrics, but they must relate since it started playing in my head. Interpol- A time to be so small.