Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Im scared to type this entry. Im stable because i am like a 2x4 on a ball with a weight on both extremities...keeping balance...shaky. Eh. There are reasons unknown to me right now what i am doing with my life. I kinda threw everything out the window...Everything i strive for, lived for, cared for. They were objectives i made due to events in the past, obviously. For any other average human being that is completely logical..but for me its unethical. My yearning to sever myself has made me want to hold on tighter. Balancing on the ball. I know that if i throw myself into my comfort zone and meditation..mind.. that would be everything but productive. I could be stuck there forever, god knows if i would ever give a shit to become a engineer, live life, go out. Im troubled. I was very close to jumping into my hole..thanks to colin he slapped some sense into me, i could not thank him enough. I still need a long time to recuperate. Social life will be severed for a while. Im not ready for my new blog. i like this one :]. life shouldnt be so black and white. change should be gradual. blah.

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. I do not remember a single scene from this movie. This is what still cease to fascinate me. I told her "hey i got recommended to watch (ESOTSM) so im torrenting it now can you make sure it downloads cause ima chill in my bedroom" she says, "Wtf? we already watched this movie before..dont you remember? we watched it together!" I was caught off guard cause there are still alot of memories i dont remember and this struck me as odd cause things usually at least sound at least the slightest bit FAMILIAR but it didnt. i said "Well, uhh was it good? what is it about?..did you like it?" I have never forgotten something so completely when it came to family. especially movies! i think im a movie geek and id be like oh yeah after watching a couple scenes. i didnt remember a single scene. she said i got emotional during the movie and she said it sucked. After watching the movie again all the peices fit and i thought..i must have watched this movie right before i lost my memory. Sure enough the movie came out 2004...The reason why i forgot it so completely is because its about a man that erased a female from her memory..i wouldnt be surprised if this movie gave me the idea to try it. haha. Poor old thomas must have been crying instead seeing this movie..

Anywho. I still need to meditate. You cant turn on a firehose then just let go and think everything will subside. I feel like theres so much things in my life that needs proper attention that i just thought i can let go of after i forgot things. well...it doesnt work like that. I need it controlled though..blah idk how to do it...i dont know anything. but i dont care! cause i got all my life to figure out :]

I need a smoke. I've been smoking cheap cigs for so long XD cant wait to get paid and buy a decent pack and just enjoy one under the within some shade...holding a book. haha

I feel like theres still so much more to say. There is so much more to say. But it isnt for this blog entry. not not. not yet. Hopefully later.