new past.

Everytime i tell someone about my past it is so symbolic to the person i am and want to become its a instant reality check whenever i do it and i change greatly with each experience. Thats why i choose very special people to tell.

(side note it reminds me of these lyrics)
Atreyu- Who died
Who died in the systematic process that we call life
each indiscriminate event leading itself to the total destruction
the total nihilation of the beauty and spark of mankinds history
each failure is so symbolic of whats past and what yet left to be
un-dead or am i really dying
whos to say that this is eternity
devoid of serenity
brings us closer to a label of hell
here we go are all we all dead
whats the stop, wheres the end
whats the stop, where do i end

With this said i want to finally make that last step with R0SE5 behind me i will force myself into a future. New blog and everything. The stop is here and the end is near. There is alot to be done. I've decided to start meditating again and seriously this time. Since i havent thought about it at all for the past month that means im going to have to put in maybe four to five hours a day just to get something by the end of the month..probably two months. (like i said im estimating a decade before i can actually mediate again) My life has changed alot. I am no longer looking for love but i continue to try to make as many people as happy as possible and still i strive for my search of true beauty. Since i know it isnt within love, True beauty must exist somewhere in this world...perhaps it does exist in love..but thats the innocent belief i no longer wish to wait or search for. academics meditation and pool. I'd be lucky if i talk to anyone..but that came with the package when were talking about trying to learn how to meditate and becoming a mechanical engineer. Hopefully i dont start hating people again. I realized that in order to be human...(i feel like i am very human already but that final push that doesnt keep me in the middle is ironicly, a step back within the realms of my mind) i must learn how to meditate. In order to live normally and strive to be a typical blue collar citizen with the american dream by my side, i have to fear death...right now i fear life more than anything. That became apparent with my talk with emily. So without further adue. cheer to life. When i begin to meditate i dont expect to blog much anyways. Its almost impossible to talk to people about the thoughts or document it at all without damaging yourself...thats probably why society hears so little about it. Even masters, have to watch how much they speak about it because "In order to obtain something you must first give something of equal value in return, that is the law to the equivelent exchange" You are literally giving knowledge with you are learning the truth (for me, relearning.) yeah..god or well..the balance of the world doesnt like that. so it brings very bad karma to those who discipline themselves then abuse it. Thats why i didnt say much about meditation at ALL in my earlier post..but ehh that is years ahead of me though. Ask me questions while you can! XD PUSH PUSH PUSH TEGGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!