So, heres to another depressing blog post. lol. My title? that is how i feel deep down inside when i feel lonely, depressed, or angry. Anything negative really. Today i went through the entire day feeling super lonely. Like..wow. it was terrible. Even though i was spending my day with someone awesome like Christie Wood, my childhood friend. I couldn't shake it and it drove me nuts cause i felt..soo..human. like geez...the emotions were overflowing and i couldn't do shit about it. I started thinking about death. You know i dont wake up a single day Not thinking about death? Im pretty well off compared to myself in the past. But its because of that its like...is this a dream? i have a bad memory but i would never forget what i went through mentally. I Feel so old for my age. The life i cling onto now only exist within my love for pool and my future in engineering. Thats it. People, all the material items i have, the experiences. After you realize memories can be manually erased, love does not last forever, and experience is only a fleeting moment. what the fuck is there to live for? Once i past my threshold and fucked with all the experiences in my life to force myself to the way i am now...i should feel grateful. and honestly i do for a majority of the time...but for moments like this i have to just look at myself and think..what the fuck am i living for? I have done shit man shouldn't have. Aside from the past ideals, there is the present that refuses to shutup like a little voice inside my head. The person i am right now. who am i? The life i live is only a image and it slaps me in the face whenever i fail a test or do poorly in an assignment. One more nail to my coffin to prove that i have not changed..im just this guy trying to be another. The idea that a truth made into a lie is one a lie when you prove it to be is illustrated throughout my life. I cant shake the idea that i'm living a lie. I should be dead. But then again my persistant ass refuses to die. lol. goddamnit someone should just shoot me, i wouldn't file a lawsuit. i'd stare them straight in the eyes and say thank you. Maybe that would change two lives at once. Well i was lonely all today not because i dont have a girlfriend. at this moment im not stable enough to have a girlfriend. its just the fact that no matter how far i try to reach i cant help but realize im still in my own little world. I do this naturally because of my ace skill in isolating myself. Thats why ive been trying to force my blog onto people, show them i exist. i want to grow bonds beyond just the surface to show that this image is real. blah. this needs to stop. i need to stop.
This moment doesnt make my life any easier either cause each of these moments are a crack in the glass that i just replaced. They make me want to go back into the world where i was content being alone and thinking. RAWR FUCKIN HIT ME. i want to see my blood. i want to feel like im alive. i want to make sure i can feel pain and i can understand when i see someone sad now.
Funny thing is i was talking to colin recently about my life, because he still likes me and i told him im on a time limit. My two life goals to make me completely stable again contradict. I want to learn how to meditate again (that way i can connect the old thomas and new) and i want to fall in love again. The problem with that though is the closer i get to meditating the farther i will go into the thinking side of me. I dont want that. I told myself i would try to put a cap on it when i start meditating and stay fairly surface and think of nothing but the present. That would take the talent of the old thomas though...soo its a problem, cause the more i think the less i would want a girlfriend thats what i really need..in order to finish the fuckin cycle. Since i have to keep moving forward and obviously cant rush the girl, i have to work on just meditating. So what has to happen so that this works out is i have to meditate just enough to not have anymore blog post like this..then randomly bump into the girl and BAM stable for my life. even if i break up with her its that idea that i fuckin did it...i had chemistry with another girl while stable. Ehh i have to time it perfectly somehow though...Cause i have to start my meditating training asap cause the longer i wait the mroe i will forget. well thats enough for today. lol
3 comments:
You sound so dependent on girls... like not getting a girlfriend soon is going to fuck your life over. It sounds like you need to prove yourself to not someone else, but yourself. You're enemies with yourself... People don't look at you differently because you don't have a girlfriend. You're Thomas. To yourself, not having a girlfriend means so much more - too much. And you're relying on meditation when what it seems like you need to focus on is not that, but getting over this girlfriend issue - getting over your past.. Not thinking you've gotten over your past, but knowing you've gotten over it so you don't need a girl...
lol after this blog post, at this current moment i ctually dont care about girls. Its a life goal so just like meditation and my future as an engineer i see it as years and years ahead. Reread the post again cause you were right about the part that i am enemies with myself :P the reason why i focus on meditating and finding my love so much is because its something i need to keep in mind since meditation is going to take years to acheive but im working on it everyday and it goes hand in hand with the girl. maybe youre right once i know i've gotten over it i wouldnt need a girl..but wheres the proof that i have gotten over it? its the life goal. the physical i can touch and feel proof. everyday i tell myself im over it and have proof in my heart. but noone, including me can say the chapter is over until i physically AND mentally progress to the next. probably its just me refusing to move on because i dont have physical proof. then again i dont have the self confidence to say that. focus more on the end of the first paragraph.
What you need is a therapist. lol
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