The Beyond

Soo~ ever since the last post..my subconcious mind has been acting funny. Well someone would ask, how the fuck can you tell that your subconcious is acting funny if 1) its subconscious! theres a reason why its called sub-conscious and 2) if i am my own subconscious. Well glad of you to ask! haha you see, since i've been able to separate the subconscious and conscious before, its kinda hard to connect them completely again, so i have the option of whether or not to follow my instincts or not, and if they are ME. Then again, doesnt everyone? i doubt everyone listens to that little voice inside their head..the difference is i know where the little voices come from, and that makes a HUGE difference. Anywho..less digression. I want to annouce to myself that the previous option is what many would like to call "false hope" perhaps it is possible to do something like what the past post illustrated without the certain circumstances but witht he reasoning i have at hand NOW, i say its impossible. It's too risky to remember that subject of memories. It would awaken uncalled for emotions and drawbacks and the only positive to it would be i would create my own world. I would no longer need people and i would throw away the real world because i would be so content within myself. Pretty much, ill be going back to my old self. lol. thats not what i want. My subconcious self has already tried to trick me into hurting myself several times by making stupid decisions i wouldnt normally make, interactions with other being that may possible ruin the relationship i had with them and virtually make me go like..i should get some time alone. haha. tricky devil. Anywho.

I remember, the time i fought a really bad sickness. Why do i bring this up? because i think of this memory whenever i walk through a heavy rainstorm now. It was the epic last push of mentality four years ago.. after i lost my memory, it was a while until i forgot how to control my adrenline rush too and i felt it leave me during the camping trip. STORYTIME! the most epic story ever. Due to my adrenaline rushes, it became my duty to push the group of 12 forward as we treked the land of north carolina. It was the most strenuous day because we hiked for 12 hours straight and everyone was completely exhausted, including me. I had no more juice because i was pretty much on my kiaoken x10 lol.(dbz reference, ahha it was a skill used to multiple your powerlevel haha) I had a series of 10 other adrenaline rushes (which usually last me and the group for an hour of two) and i thought i was completely done. everyone was walking at slug pace and i was at the back, helping carry parts of 3 other peoples load because i offered to carry more during my adrenaline rush. I didnt show it. i never did. but i was ready to just..sleep where i was. It began to rainstorm because we were on a ridge of a rainforest. everyone has already rested for 15 mins and now they were using more time to talk out their rain jackets. i was completely against this cause every moment we rested our muscles, the worse it was to keep going. I refused to stop. and i was wearing shorts and tshirt, my last outfit and i continued to move. it rained as hard as it did today and worse for the entire time until i got there and i felt sickly ill. I layed in the tarp the whole night through without eating or sleeping. I couldnt cover myself cause i was soaked and exhausted and i couldnt sleep because i was so fuckin cold. There was massive amounts of wind since we were on the ridge and people cared for me. My vision was blurry and my body got ridiculously weak. people cared for me because i couldnt respond even when i wanted to. It was really bad but i remember it cause inside i had that FUCKIN HIT ME mode on. even though my body couldnt move and i was growing to be super sick..i wanted to do shit. we were lucky to stay at that camp site for 2 days instead of one and i never left my bed. the mentors pushed me forward, waking me up occasionally when there was food. but my body rarely complied..i heard them talking about me outside, they were worried because i pushed myself alot more than i should have. The third day i was better but it wasnt until a week or two later when i would stop coughing up flem and be at the front again. everyday for those two weeks it was like...gruesome. but it was super fun. Now i run in the rain happy because it makes me feel invincible. :] well. thats it.

What else? oh yeah. i feel awsome. haha