White Lies- Death

For i think..well..everyone in my life i dont think this would affect them enough to notice cause i barely actually TALK to anyone. Not after i argued with Hoac, i dont even talk with her everyday anymore. I've decided to follow through with it. With my unstable personality, There is nothing left to do that's productive except focus on who i am right now. I hate hurting people. I hurt so many people with the thoughts i have in this blog. It sucks cause it never turned out right when i am honest with people. I want it to stop and i'm going to try to unlock that fighting spirit if i can again and dive straight into it. It will help me focus on my studies and further help me understand who i am, besides after hanging out with Han i realized that i cannot be attracted to anyone right now anyways. I lost control of who i can be attracted to and it just blocked out everyone now, male and female. I'm already in my own world whether i like it or not. After realizing this i bought a new pack of smokes. Its a very scary thought that i might just reverse everything i've gained up until now, not capable of fitting another life into mine. I have alot of friends and i realized that over the week. I hung out with don pam and han the last several days and planning to to to linda tran's bday on saturday. All of them knowing more about me than anyone has in a very long time and to think that i might not have the heart to even have the space for another in my life except this blog is frightening. It's where i belong and i miss it too much. :]. Besides its not like im going to be leaving like poof, ill be the same guy except my mindset will be completely changed. This emotion shit is too much. My passion to understand self and shoot for engineering is all i should care about. Once again im going to extreme but shit. People shit annoy me. My parents, sisters, and friends. They all piss me off and i thirst for constant liberation from nothingness.

lol such pessimistic views for someone that is so cheerful is now what i think all the time. I was sitting with Donvu and i was thinking aloud, coming to a realization, I am naturally probably the most pessimistic person, but im forever thinking of the cup half full when im around others. It fucking pisses me off because they dont understand that i can be very happy in my hole and sad thoughts but i take my experiences and thoughts as a gift. Its a burden placed on me for the likes of helping others. I'm happy all the time, not for me, but for YOU so that you can be happy even when shit is shoved back up your ass. Many do not appreciate this or respect my thoughts when i am actually honest with them. Or they just get hurt. A day after telling donvu this i realized how true this is because Han, knowing the person i am saw a INSTANT transformation when i met up with others with her, it was a awkward moments because she was following me because she was going to stay over and it was the other girls birthday so i wanted to hang out with her. I transform my personality naturally because i am able to bring together people as a group and keep them Even if they are clashing. I was acting loud and...different. because i was trying to accompany all three of the people in the group. It was awkward cause it was obvious that me and Han are not just friends, lets not get into that please.

So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.

Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?

White Lies- Death
....
I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drowned in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which route we take?
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who's driving this anyway? I picture my own grave
'cause fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me

Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I'll hit the ground
Well, the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies?
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?
I live on the right side, I sleep in the left
That's why everything has got to be love or death

Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me


Everything is a laughing matter!