Happiness is surreal

It's beginning and im so confused. Im battling myself like i did in the past and i must take a stand. Part of me REALLY wants to question myself and i feel as if there is nothing but gain. the other side of me says FUCK YOU! no more thinking!! im STABLE. The old thomas always believed that the pattern of life creates change naturally but the transformation can never be for the better if we do not question it and find out the flaws. Happiness is surreal because it is like story which is only true when you make it true. One can feel genuinely happy if they truely believed that they were happy, even through the most stressful times. Is my happiness surreal? Old thomas inside wishes to know. Me currently sees it as something that shouldn't be tampered with because my stablilty is probably a illusion as well. I dont want to find something like that out, and besides im just looking for reasons to be unstable. Maybe Jenny Hoac was right, when i learn how to meditate would that do me any good? ill not only remember the old self but ill see the truth again and the truth is nothing but anger and resentment for self and world around. Wtf do i do now? Im battling myself right now in my head. both sides are finding the flaws for one another and laying out the pros and cons. Is being mellow so good anyways? I became mellow just because of the natural transitions in life but does it truely make me happy and stable? It's just an easy way to keep isolated so my life seems stable. Today i hung out with a awesome group of people and to be honest, i didnt enjoy it much at all after i left them. Im actually growing to be so mellow that i prefer to be alone. So if i dont learn to meditate and face myself then i'll end up turning into someone i dont like anyways. Isolated and thinking again. so why run from the inevitable? At least if i go at it now i can face the problem and continue with my image before i loose too many friends. The new me sees hope in myself that i will know better. If there wasn't hope that the mellow me isnt here for a reason, why would i be doing it? It seems as if im more compelled to think about it now. but im still able to hold it back with the simple statement.."i am stable and happy and this is what i asked for when i achieved my life goal" if i jump deck before giving it a shot and fuck..probably i will change into a thinker again in the end but at least i lived like a human for longer than i ever did. I can put away these thoughts and continue enjoying the life i have and enjoying the beauty around me with a naive and innocent mind tomorrow if i decide tonight that i dont want to think. These complex dilemmas were so easy for me to just..face choose the best side but now that im human im stuck with the immature mentality that perfers gradual change rather than manual change. I just want to be happy. Someone needs to seriously just..love me. and i can put both sides at rest. that happiness is external. it will never be surreal unless you lied to yourself in the first place. *sgh* Fuck the last entry..meditation can wait until i have a stronger mind and feel confident that everything im doing in life is right. That way old thomas cant put in his two sense and still believe that living alone and thinking is the best idea. I'm definitely going to need more alone time in the future to figure this out. I want to meditate but why would i if it contradicts my current self? perhaps there is a way around it. i knew there was. I need to be more confident that my mellow self will not become a thinker. False gold is real to those who do not see reality. I want to reach such a level where im so content with my life that productive or not, fake or not. idc, the life i live is what i define as happiness. I want to live. I've decided, not to think. but in respects to the other concept which has strong ideas and reasoning..i will have to give this some time. Love.