ugh fuck. I feel like shit. I've never been the type to deal with drama at all. I've just like...developed zero tolerance for it. Question: Im a people person right? (answer in comments) I feel like im pretty straightforward. I have a very complex mind compared to others but if you dont fuck with me then you shouldnt have to worry about that. Take for example Lauren and Bong, and linda, and many others that know me. They know i have a complicated head and im sure they dont understand me sometimes... Even i dont. but they dont have to meet the ugly side of it cause they dont fuck with me. lol <3 you guys. Lets start with the good news first before i continue
I was smoking outside when this guy came for me to ask for a smoke. (Im sorry this stress im facing now...i'll quit after im done with it cause im walking around feeling like i want to seriously punch something) anywho. He confronted me three days ago and we sit down for three smokes and right off the bat hes reallly cool and we talk about everything. He's new in boston so he needs friends and we were talking about having friends outside out=r pool of friends we can just..talk to so why not talk to him? He's gay and i found it very interesting. We were talking about sexuality and like how it felt to be on the other end of the spectrum while being very chill. over the course of the next couple days i bump into him all the time...always smoking..as am i. lol its funny cause we both told ourself we would quit and we both have our reasons to smoke. Its cool that we both smoke cause its a level of comfort that is automatically created. I got his email and phone number after a couple times of catching each other smoking and just talking for 15 mins everytime. We might go out and eat after i work. Its cool. I <3 meeting new people and i get to tell him everything.
Anywho, i fucking HATE people right now. I feel like just..ughh slapping people right now. My god. I've lost another friend and i cant help it bcause ive grown to be just really annoyed at people. This is bad cause now im feeling angry. like its flowing through me and i cant control it. ughh im more angry at myself than people though. cause im mad that i have such a complicated mind and they dont understand why im mad. they think its for trivial matters such as jealousy or selfishness when they dont understand that im more conceptual. I think more of morals and its not that you go for other guys. i dont give a shit if you go for other guys. The fact that you dont appreciate me when i do the SAME thing is what annoys me. You dont appreciate my existence. I made mistakes. but like i said in my previous post. im tired of changing myself. I have changed myself. but now i want to change others cause im tired of eating other peoples shit. They have a right to bitch and complain cause im trying to change them but they dont understand that ive been taking way more shit than necessary. people can always argue against my way of thinking saying its reckless and selfish etc. and it makes me angry how what im doing isnt reasonably defended but people dont understand. I want to live a life where people can appreciate me the way i am RGIHT NOW. zzz
Fuck i dont understand people. i dont think i ever will. When the day ends, i find my mind too complex and i think on multiple layers. zzz..definitely not stable enough for a relationship right now. but i would appreciate it to have someone on my side cause i need justification. Someone to hug me and say what im doing is right. Everyone except the gay guy has annoyed me in some way shape or form by now and a burden like this is unbearable. Can i break someone's face open please? I cant even play pool anymore. I cant focus. i wake up every morning wanting a smoke cause i cant calm down. I dont know..im an extremist. Some call that drama queen. Fuck you.
I feel like ed, episode 22, when he was stuck in the middle of the pool of false truth, incomplete philosopher stone. and he was overloaded by power and his abilities were going beserk. It wasnt until a woman pushed through it, risked her life and hugged him. Im going beserk. My old self is trying to think about a way out but i wont allow it. Im angry and its going nowhere, im completely bipolar and all i need is someone to tell me that fuck people. fuck friends. fuck the world around you. remember what you want and go for it.
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...
You don't miss me, I know.
Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.
I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.
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You can't just change people and make them appreciate you.. They have to be willing to change and you have to win their appreciation. And to do that, it's all about giving. Haven't you heard that saying about how you have to continuously give and show others appreciation even when they don't return any back to you?
and after thinking about it, I don't think you approach your problems in a good manner. From what you tell me, you confront someone after they've pushed all your buttons only to give them one final warning that they have one/two more times to redeem themselves before you cut them from your life. Instead, you should be telling people what you don't like that they're doing/saying. You need to communicate with them better. That's how you have healthy relationships :)
Also, don't be surprised when the gay guy annoys you. Everyone does at some point, like you've noticed.. it just takes time.
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