Back to the Future

I feel as if going back to my old home was a necessity for my growth. I rememebered ALOT more than i ever did. I probably remembered it in that first year after i lost my memory when i had that huge fuckin recoil and remembered everything and grabbed onto the things that i would really need to keep going. Idk. I forgot it again and now i i remembered it again. haha. My memory is so weird. It was a necessity though because i felt alot of emotions linked to these memories. These were untouched virgin memories before i had any hints of philosophy. Within these memories was the emotions of a just...average human. I dont want to be like that and i cant become like that but i remembered alot of emotions due to these flashbacks. Today i felt jealousy, as i watched a couple get cuddly...i got angry as i played pool. like..i was going to punch someone angry. i was so damn frustrated. but we'll get to that. lol. there are some thoughts that i wan to jolt down before i forget them though.

In philosophy class we are beginning to study religion and me being me, i have very strong ideas against god. As atreyu said, "strength comes from within, not from above." since the text said Christianity is a religion of pity that somehow transformed into a discussion about mistakes. Someone in the class that has a massive ego, i tend not to talk to him cause he himself agrees that he has this problem, and its veryy obvious, he naturally sees himself as better than everyone else. Now, i trust that he has his reasons but sometimes the ideas he backs up are plan STUPID. for instance we were arguing about mistakes in life due to the god theme. I said well, just because you made a msitake, or "commited a sin" it does not mean that you did something wrong. Not every mistake is a wrong. and he said. well its like..duhh synonyms...mistake and wrong. if its a mistake then its clearly wrong cause its not right. and im like..*facepalm* cause i knew there was no use arguing with soemone like him. Take my life for example, shit, i fucked up and i made mistakes. but that doesnt make them wrong. if anything i consider them the right thing because if not i wouldnt have become the person i am. He being christian though, doesnt understand this concept of loving oneself. People asked me about my beliefs during class and i became the spokesman for all atheist because i had strong beliefs. A girl said, i never heard anysuch thing as Atheist until i came to college. The country she came from and the culture she grew up around was all christian, it was out of the norm for someone to speak say the god's name in vain. Sos he asked me the most peculiar but serious question, " so did you ever belief in god at least once in your life?" and i said in turn "No, because i always believed in myself" and there was a tense yet very honest and mature atmosphere around the room. i liked it. I would love to get inside a head of a christian.

Pool. so i was VERY fustrated i kept missing my shots and i blamed the two noobs that beat me. I wanted to find a new perspective of pool i havent yet seen, hard shots made simple, the secret to placement. change in form. something that can upgrade my proformance by 100 fold. i found nothing besides more failure. I ended up leaving the pool room and i am soo grateful that it rained today. i sat outside and chain smoked three times ( chain smoking is to light the smoked cig with a new one). I thought of pool and what bochen told me. i still hit very hard..i force my positioning and that isnt necessary, it should be all very graceful. I thought about me as a person. i've become short tempered. I bathed in the rain. No matter what type of human i become, i will never be the short tempered one, for i know where anger leads man. as i sat outside and smoked i thought of nothing but soft colors. occasionally i would make eye contact with a wild animal, and i would hold it. This is very relaxing. After i walked back in i put in my music and i am happy to say that i am back to normal. i am very graceful now. i think.

but yea, im quite emotional right now. idk if i should embrace this or push it away so i leave it alone. zzz loneliness is still in the air and i try to turn and look the other way because the warmth i need is not external..it can be..but i think its internal. I dont love myself anymore.

speaking of which i know how it feels like to fight from fainting. i did it today. it actually is harder than one would expect. i was standing at my bus stop smoking in the morning waiting for the bus. Before that i drank 2 monsters and stayed up all night productive. i wrote almost 6 pages single spaced. I then, anxious to get to school and print then get some sleep got anxious and was very anxious as i stood at the bus stop. Once i decided to smoke to calm myself down, bad idea. it calmed me down alright but it was too hard too fast..and probably too early in the morning i got very lightheaded and the shakes around my body to keep my up were uncontrolable but uneffective. i began to sway and my eyes felt heavy cause i got dizzy and nauseous my body was willing to turn off on me any second cause everything felt so light, and yet heavy. My awesomeness has been drained by the two monsters so i had no more stored energy or rush left in me to snap out of it. i kept changing to heavier and heavier rock music so i could get my blood rushing but my body was shutting down..i was blacking out. What stopped me was the idea of fainting, accompanied by the slight burn i put on myself with my smoke. It would be so pathetic if i fainted. besides i was having fun experience what it felt like to kinda..loose all hope and control. it was the closest thing to death ive experienced. I smiled. The bus came driving up and i took deep breaths and made sure i didnt pass out until i was sitting down. that way i can control how much rest my body got. it was fun

What else?..nothing much. i think im going to go home now.