143 my sister

lol well..i cant say the same for my oldest sister, Shun yi, because i rarely communicate with her but my younger on, Laurie, is awesome. Thanks to her i've stabilized but the anger and stress within me has reached its latest peek since 9th grade when i lost my memory. She slapped some sense into me with the last heart to heart conversation with her infamous quote, "dude, just drop it..like its hot.. drop it like its hot, seriously." lol idk how that worked but the mix of humor and seriousness got to me. Last documented anger probably steadied at 1/10th. I am now walking around with about 2 or 3/10ths of the anger i used to feel. Well Huy and ben made me reach like..Half. but i wasn't able to control it and it was really bipolar. Actually i wouldnt be surprised if it stabilized at 7/10ths for a bit when i went to his house cause i dont remember much but i walked from fields corner to forest hills that day..but yeah..i guess 2-3/10ths is a good stable point for the person i've become now. how angry was i before? i cannot fathom that anymore but i was so angry i wanted to kill all humanity and take my life with it, every second of the day. Thats like..anger to the fullest..pretty much pure anger/stress, idk how my old self controlled so much. Im feeling a mere 30% and underneath the smile i fake i vomit, have chest pains, and forever tired..exhausted emotionally and physically. i honestly dont know why im so angry..but im glad my sister slapped some sense into me after my last post. It was hard typing after the last post and i've been stabilizing again since. Average people without experience that are fuckin pissed and want to break someoneone's face in is probably at 4-5/10ths but they cant control it XD. Yesterday helped a bit since i was around high school friends. The problem was that the energy required to maintain such a face drained me of all energy. I slept every moment i got and i slept from 8-7:30 when i got home. Actually, just today i smoked alot more than usual and had stomach, chest and muscle fatigue. It sucks...Anger really does eat up life force. but its a very powerful emotion and when used properly it can move mountains. I just dont have the resources to use such immense ammounts yet, and i hope i never do. So thats why im just accepting it and trying to ride it out even though i go home every night wanting to see blood. lol. its a problem.

Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.

Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.

I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D

Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha