For i think..well..everyone in my life i dont think this would affect them enough to notice cause i barely actually TALK to anyone. Not after i argued with Hoac, i dont even talk with her everyday anymore. I've decided to follow through with it. With my unstable personality, There is nothing left to do that's productive except focus on who i am right now. I hate hurting people. I hurt so many people with the thoughts i have in this blog. It sucks cause it never turned out right when i am honest with people. I want it to stop and i'm going to try to unlock that fighting spirit if i can again and dive straight into it. It will help me focus on my studies and further help me understand who i am, besides after hanging out with Han i realized that i cannot be attracted to anyone right now anyways. I lost control of who i can be attracted to and it just blocked out everyone now, male and female. I'm already in my own world whether i like it or not. After realizing this i bought a new pack of smokes. Its a very scary thought that i might just reverse everything i've gained up until now, not capable of fitting another life into mine. I have alot of friends and i realized that over the week. I hung out with don pam and han the last several days and planning to to to linda tran's bday on saturday. All of them knowing more about me than anyone has in a very long time and to think that i might not have the heart to even have the space for another in my life except this blog is frightening. It's where i belong and i miss it too much. :]. Besides its not like im going to be leaving like poof, ill be the same guy except my mindset will be completely changed. This emotion shit is too much. My passion to understand self and shoot for engineering is all i should care about. Once again im going to extreme but shit. People shit annoy me. My parents, sisters, and friends. They all piss me off and i thirst for constant liberation from nothingness.
lol such pessimistic views for someone that is so cheerful is now what i think all the time. I was sitting with Donvu and i was thinking aloud, coming to a realization, I am naturally probably the most pessimistic person, but im forever thinking of the cup half full when im around others. It fucking pisses me off because they dont understand that i can be very happy in my hole and sad thoughts but i take my experiences and thoughts as a gift. Its a burden placed on me for the likes of helping others. I'm happy all the time, not for me, but for YOU so that you can be happy even when shit is shoved back up your ass. Many do not appreciate this or respect my thoughts when i am actually honest with them. Or they just get hurt. A day after telling donvu this i realized how true this is because Han, knowing the person i am saw a INSTANT transformation when i met up with others with her, it was a awkward moments because she was following me because she was going to stay over and it was the other girls birthday so i wanted to hang out with her. I transform my personality naturally because i am able to bring together people as a group and keep them Even if they are clashing. I was acting loud and...different. because i was trying to accompany all three of the people in the group. It was awkward cause it was obvious that me and Han are not just friends, lets not get into that please.
So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.
Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?
White Lies- Death
....
I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drowned in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which route we take?
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who's driving this anyway? I picture my own grave
'cause fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I'll hit the ground
Well, the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies?
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?
I live on the right side, I sleep in the left
That's why everything has got to be love or death
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Everything is a laughing matter!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
omg. i finsihed one of the best animes yet this weekend. People chuckle and shit when i tell them i learn life lessons from anime's such as fullmetal alchemist but shit. This anime held such a strong message in a mere 27 episodes. Actually i had a philosophical epiphany afterward that was so massive it left me with a headache for the next couple hours and im still fighting. This blog isn't suppose to be as happy but thats show was SO AMAZING.
I'll explain why it shouldnt be so happy because well, I realized through the anime that the anger i felt right before i lost my memory..was so immense that the process had to happen in my sleep and i felt asleep and meditated sleeping to conserve as much energy as possible. I thought it was anger this whole time that i felt up into the end, but actually now that i felt it due to the anime and i look back. Its not anger i felt anymore that was only the tip of the iceberg. What i felt was immense willpower. They called it fighting spirit. This can automatically put me into a state of meditation and a very high level of it. Con? well, Think of fighting spirit as the feeling of adrenline rush + anger but perfected in perfect synchronization. Of course that doesnt simplify it anymore so here in pure english. Everything you do, you litterally put your LIFE into it. Such passion and the willingness to die is so great that the driving force is ridiculous. Why is it sad? because i felt it and it slapped me in the face after the anime. This power is too much for me to handle and it will throw me into my own world and back into old thomas in a heart beat. I wouldn't need human communication, i wouldnt want it. I would want to die CONSISTANTLY. the obssession will drive you nuts. and im pretty sure everyone can after watching it cause it does such a good job illustrating this power. The determination and wilpower will leaave your jaw drop. So these two nights ive been trying to fight off this adrenline rush now lol cause i want to not think anymore and i want to be naive.
This blog post was suppose to be a post saying goodbye cause i would die again because i felt as if i belong in my own world, because that is pretty much where i was born and raised but ever since sunday ive been fighting it. Trying to find reasons why i should not dive back into my comfort zone.zzz you HAVE to watch this show. lol. The confidence and power i feel within myself was such a fimiliar and welcoming place for me its been hard fighting it. It made me completely depressed last night cause i want to think again and just say..fuck people. so bad. but i dont want to dive back in..not yet.
Speaking of which im really cracking down on quitting smoking. I dont need it anymore. With the willpower locked up in a safe just in case and my adrenaline rush flowing at a low consistant pace i can do without it. I can definitely meditate sooner than i expected though if i did let myself loose but the person i would instantly turn into and the world i would be sucked into...isnt worth it. I want my fucking childhood.
I'll explain why it shouldnt be so happy because well, I realized through the anime that the anger i felt right before i lost my memory..was so immense that the process had to happen in my sleep and i felt asleep and meditated sleeping to conserve as much energy as possible. I thought it was anger this whole time that i felt up into the end, but actually now that i felt it due to the anime and i look back. Its not anger i felt anymore that was only the tip of the iceberg. What i felt was immense willpower. They called it fighting spirit. This can automatically put me into a state of meditation and a very high level of it. Con? well, Think of fighting spirit as the feeling of adrenline rush + anger but perfected in perfect synchronization. Of course that doesnt simplify it anymore so here in pure english. Everything you do, you litterally put your LIFE into it. Such passion and the willingness to die is so great that the driving force is ridiculous. Why is it sad? because i felt it and it slapped me in the face after the anime. This power is too much for me to handle and it will throw me into my own world and back into old thomas in a heart beat. I wouldn't need human communication, i wouldnt want it. I would want to die CONSISTANTLY. the obssession will drive you nuts. and im pretty sure everyone can after watching it cause it does such a good job illustrating this power. The determination and wilpower will leaave your jaw drop. So these two nights ive been trying to fight off this adrenline rush now lol cause i want to not think anymore and i want to be naive.
This blog post was suppose to be a post saying goodbye cause i would die again because i felt as if i belong in my own world, because that is pretty much where i was born and raised but ever since sunday ive been fighting it. Trying to find reasons why i should not dive back into my comfort zone.zzz you HAVE to watch this show. lol. The confidence and power i feel within myself was such a fimiliar and welcoming place for me its been hard fighting it. It made me completely depressed last night cause i want to think again and just say..fuck people. so bad. but i dont want to dive back in..not yet.
Speaking of which im really cracking down on quitting smoking. I dont need it anymore. With the willpower locked up in a safe just in case and my adrenaline rush flowing at a low consistant pace i can do without it. I can definitely meditate sooner than i expected though if i did let myself loose but the person i would instantly turn into and the world i would be sucked into...isnt worth it. I want my fucking childhood.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Harder Better Faster Stronger
So me and trung(ob trung that goes out with le) we had a man to man talk friday night. I really liked it he hates bens guts too for his own reasons and i told him why me and him are no longer friends. This conversation started cause he brought up soky's name. lol. eh. I have much respect for that dude now and i am forced to lol @ all the people that hate me. Trung said "Alot of people hate you thomas, do you know that? I ask them why and they say...its cause hes thomas" Then he would reply "Thomas is weird sure, but thats nothing to hate him for O.o" its w/e i laugh at all the people that hate me cause the reason why all those people that openly stated to him that they hate me dont have a legit reason, is cause its their own fault. haha. Dont fuck with me and make me serious and there wont be a problem :]. It makes me feel great to know that i can naturally get not worthy people to hate me. And i grew alot of respect for trung cause he listened to me and took my mellow side with a mature response.
The adrenline rush is going great for me..i realized that it was do to the lack of that i was feeling so down on myself before. Im not angry anymore! :D my body is functioning regularly. haha it makes me :]. but yeah, i cant control my rushes at all yet. i need to learn how to calm down during my rushes but now its just there haha. sometimes excessively. *shrugs* hehe
Han han han. Her name is Emily Han. we went to a house party together but i went REALLY late cause i had to finish a paper. I got a really good tipsy off of jungle juice and beers. We were both very tipsy :P She came over and slept over with me that night and it was alot of fun :]. Like expected, she was openminded and ready to listen. I told her about Phi and why im so unstable and why Moses says i refuse to settle and im a manwhore. lol. I still disagree but you know, Emily does make a great addition to my life. Welcome.
Another new addition is this girl i felt obligated to share my thoughts with from my program. Her name is Yifei and i told her about my philosophy over a lunch that same friday cause she helped me with my paper and we were talking about chi. It was a very deep, mental, and philosophical conversation. I didn't expect it from her but it seemed as if it was right down her alley. I shared a bit with Emily as well. lol. It makes my ego bloat when i tell people i used to meditate at such a high level at the age of 14 lol.
Life is great. Living it in the present. :] I hope things keep going up up up!
The adrenline rush is going great for me..i realized that it was do to the lack of that i was feeling so down on myself before. Im not angry anymore! :D my body is functioning regularly. haha it makes me :]. but yeah, i cant control my rushes at all yet. i need to learn how to calm down during my rushes but now its just there haha. sometimes excessively. *shrugs* hehe
Han han han. Her name is Emily Han. we went to a house party together but i went REALLY late cause i had to finish a paper. I got a really good tipsy off of jungle juice and beers. We were both very tipsy :P She came over and slept over with me that night and it was alot of fun :]. Like expected, she was openminded and ready to listen. I told her about Phi and why im so unstable and why Moses says i refuse to settle and im a manwhore. lol. I still disagree but you know, Emily does make a great addition to my life. Welcome.
Another new addition is this girl i felt obligated to share my thoughts with from my program. Her name is Yifei and i told her about my philosophy over a lunch that same friday cause she helped me with my paper and we were talking about chi. It was a very deep, mental, and philosophical conversation. I didn't expect it from her but it seemed as if it was right down her alley. I shared a bit with Emily as well. lol. It makes my ego bloat when i tell people i used to meditate at such a high level at the age of 14 lol.
Life is great. Living it in the present. :] I hope things keep going up up up!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
143 my sister
lol well..i cant say the same for my oldest sister, Shun yi, because i rarely communicate with her but my younger on, Laurie, is awesome. Thanks to her i've stabilized but the anger and stress within me has reached its latest peek since 9th grade when i lost my memory. She slapped some sense into me with the last heart to heart conversation with her infamous quote, "dude, just drop it..like its hot.. drop it like its hot, seriously." lol idk how that worked but the mix of humor and seriousness got to me. Last documented anger probably steadied at 1/10th. I am now walking around with about 2 or 3/10ths of the anger i used to feel. Well Huy and ben made me reach like..Half. but i wasn't able to control it and it was really bipolar. Actually i wouldnt be surprised if it stabilized at 7/10ths for a bit when i went to his house cause i dont remember much but i walked from fields corner to forest hills that day..but yeah..i guess 2-3/10ths is a good stable point for the person i've become now. how angry was i before? i cannot fathom that anymore but i was so angry i wanted to kill all humanity and take my life with it, every second of the day. Thats like..anger to the fullest..pretty much pure anger/stress, idk how my old self controlled so much. Im feeling a mere 30% and underneath the smile i fake i vomit, have chest pains, and forever tired..exhausted emotionally and physically. i honestly dont know why im so angry..but im glad my sister slapped some sense into me after my last post. It was hard typing after the last post and i've been stabilizing again since. Average people without experience that are fuckin pissed and want to break someoneone's face in is probably at 4-5/10ths but they cant control it XD. Yesterday helped a bit since i was around high school friends. The problem was that the energy required to maintain such a face drained me of all energy. I slept every moment i got and i slept from 8-7:30 when i got home. Actually, just today i smoked alot more than usual and had stomach, chest and muscle fatigue. It sucks...Anger really does eat up life force. but its a very powerful emotion and when used properly it can move mountains. I just dont have the resources to use such immense ammounts yet, and i hope i never do. So thats why im just accepting it and trying to ride it out even though i go home every night wanting to see blood. lol. its a problem.
Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.
Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.
I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D
Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha
Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.
Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.
I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D
Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha
Monday, June 14, 2010
FUCK YoOoOooOUUU
ugh fuck. I feel like shit. I've never been the type to deal with drama at all. I've just like...developed zero tolerance for it. Question: Im a people person right? (answer in comments) I feel like im pretty straightforward. I have a very complex mind compared to others but if you dont fuck with me then you shouldnt have to worry about that. Take for example Lauren and Bong, and linda, and many others that know me. They know i have a complicated head and im sure they dont understand me sometimes... Even i dont. but they dont have to meet the ugly side of it cause they dont fuck with me. lol <3 you guys. Lets start with the good news first before i continue
I was smoking outside when this guy came for me to ask for a smoke. (Im sorry this stress im facing now...i'll quit after im done with it cause im walking around feeling like i want to seriously punch something) anywho. He confronted me three days ago and we sit down for three smokes and right off the bat hes reallly cool and we talk about everything. He's new in boston so he needs friends and we were talking about having friends outside out=r pool of friends we can just..talk to so why not talk to him? He's gay and i found it very interesting. We were talking about sexuality and like how it felt to be on the other end of the spectrum while being very chill. over the course of the next couple days i bump into him all the time...always smoking..as am i. lol its funny cause we both told ourself we would quit and we both have our reasons to smoke. Its cool that we both smoke cause its a level of comfort that is automatically created. I got his email and phone number after a couple times of catching each other smoking and just talking for 15 mins everytime. We might go out and eat after i work. Its cool. I <3 meeting new people and i get to tell him everything.
Anywho, i fucking HATE people right now. I feel like just..ughh slapping people right now. My god. I've lost another friend and i cant help it bcause ive grown to be just really annoyed at people. This is bad cause now im feeling angry. like its flowing through me and i cant control it. ughh im more angry at myself than people though. cause im mad that i have such a complicated mind and they dont understand why im mad. they think its for trivial matters such as jealousy or selfishness when they dont understand that im more conceptual. I think more of morals and its not that you go for other guys. i dont give a shit if you go for other guys. The fact that you dont appreciate me when i do the SAME thing is what annoys me. You dont appreciate my existence. I made mistakes. but like i said in my previous post. im tired of changing myself. I have changed myself. but now i want to change others cause im tired of eating other peoples shit. They have a right to bitch and complain cause im trying to change them but they dont understand that ive been taking way more shit than necessary. people can always argue against my way of thinking saying its reckless and selfish etc. and it makes me angry how what im doing isnt reasonably defended but people dont understand. I want to live a life where people can appreciate me the way i am RGIHT NOW. zzz
Fuck i dont understand people. i dont think i ever will. When the day ends, i find my mind too complex and i think on multiple layers. zzz..definitely not stable enough for a relationship right now. but i would appreciate it to have someone on my side cause i need justification. Someone to hug me and say what im doing is right. Everyone except the gay guy has annoyed me in some way shape or form by now and a burden like this is unbearable. Can i break someone's face open please? I cant even play pool anymore. I cant focus. i wake up every morning wanting a smoke cause i cant calm down. I dont know..im an extremist. Some call that drama queen. Fuck you.
I feel like ed, episode 22, when he was stuck in the middle of the pool of false truth, incomplete philosopher stone. and he was overloaded by power and his abilities were going beserk. It wasnt until a woman pushed through it, risked her life and hugged him. Im going beserk. My old self is trying to think about a way out but i wont allow it. Im angry and its going nowhere, im completely bipolar and all i need is someone to tell me that fuck people. fuck friends. fuck the world around you. remember what you want and go for it.
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...
You don't miss me, I know.
Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.
I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.
I was smoking outside when this guy came for me to ask for a smoke. (Im sorry this stress im facing now...i'll quit after im done with it cause im walking around feeling like i want to seriously punch something) anywho. He confronted me three days ago and we sit down for three smokes and right off the bat hes reallly cool and we talk about everything. He's new in boston so he needs friends and we were talking about having friends outside out=r pool of friends we can just..talk to so why not talk to him? He's gay and i found it very interesting. We were talking about sexuality and like how it felt to be on the other end of the spectrum while being very chill. over the course of the next couple days i bump into him all the time...always smoking..as am i. lol its funny cause we both told ourself we would quit and we both have our reasons to smoke. Its cool that we both smoke cause its a level of comfort that is automatically created. I got his email and phone number after a couple times of catching each other smoking and just talking for 15 mins everytime. We might go out and eat after i work. Its cool. I <3 meeting new people and i get to tell him everything.
Anywho, i fucking HATE people right now. I feel like just..ughh slapping people right now. My god. I've lost another friend and i cant help it bcause ive grown to be just really annoyed at people. This is bad cause now im feeling angry. like its flowing through me and i cant control it. ughh im more angry at myself than people though. cause im mad that i have such a complicated mind and they dont understand why im mad. they think its for trivial matters such as jealousy or selfishness when they dont understand that im more conceptual. I think more of morals and its not that you go for other guys. i dont give a shit if you go for other guys. The fact that you dont appreciate me when i do the SAME thing is what annoys me. You dont appreciate my existence. I made mistakes. but like i said in my previous post. im tired of changing myself. I have changed myself. but now i want to change others cause im tired of eating other peoples shit. They have a right to bitch and complain cause im trying to change them but they dont understand that ive been taking way more shit than necessary. people can always argue against my way of thinking saying its reckless and selfish etc. and it makes me angry how what im doing isnt reasonably defended but people dont understand. I want to live a life where people can appreciate me the way i am RGIHT NOW. zzz
Fuck i dont understand people. i dont think i ever will. When the day ends, i find my mind too complex and i think on multiple layers. zzz..definitely not stable enough for a relationship right now. but i would appreciate it to have someone on my side cause i need justification. Someone to hug me and say what im doing is right. Everyone except the gay guy has annoyed me in some way shape or form by now and a burden like this is unbearable. Can i break someone's face open please? I cant even play pool anymore. I cant focus. i wake up every morning wanting a smoke cause i cant calm down. I dont know..im an extremist. Some call that drama queen. Fuck you.
I feel like ed, episode 22, when he was stuck in the middle of the pool of false truth, incomplete philosopher stone. and he was overloaded by power and his abilities were going beserk. It wasnt until a woman pushed through it, risked her life and hugged him. Im going beserk. My old self is trying to think about a way out but i wont allow it. Im angry and its going nowhere, im completely bipolar and all i need is someone to tell me that fuck people. fuck friends. fuck the world around you. remember what you want and go for it.
Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...
You don't miss me, I know.
Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.
I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
This is Your Life
Its a song from The killers most recent Album. and i post the title as this because of these lyrics
Crooked wheels keep turning
Children, are you learning
Acclimatize but don't you lose the plot
A history of blisters
Your brothers and your sisters
Somewhere in the pages we forgot
Take a number Jackie
Where the blood just barely dried
You know I'm on your side
Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
That has to be the most like..awesome..train of thought. haha. Ironic, I did exactly what i didnt want in my previous blog and you know what? i dont mind it. and i knew i wouldn't, which is why i didnt want to do it. haha. To reitterate, In my previous blog i pretty much said i dont want shit to happen to me and i actually want to live a upbeat life because if i took too much shit, i would go into my isolation mode again. Everyone annoys me now to an extent and thats the only flaw to this feeling of isolation. I hate the feeling of annoyance, thats why i dont feel it. haha but i do feel it now. Everyone i was close with for some reason im finding reasons to make me want to be like..dude. shut the fuck up! >.> seriously. All guys annoy me cause of their egos and all girls annoy me cause they bitch too much. The few girls i got close with, they tend to take advantage of my strong will and they grow comfortable with the insults and the pokes. Before it was like...oh haha youre funny! cause honestly, i didnt give a shit. For some reason im now like...chill. know your place. zzz. So im going into a state of isolation and now ive concluded that im a one man army, dude. Friends, fuck that shit. Everyone looks like ben to me now in some way shape or form. meh.
A good example of how im growing to be annoyed by people is like..This dude i met named chris i Internshiped with. Hes 25 and he works at blackstone as a supervisor and hes like..up there. Stable engineering career and he got his shit going for him cause he knows what hes doing. I respect his role and he was really bro with me but i got annoyed with him too. I was just small talking with him in the car cause he was dropping me off at Northeastern after the internship and you know how guys they talk about girls, cars, money, sports or...girls. When there are only guys. Its a sense of masculinity. when we drove through south station i was like "I found it interesting how one day when i walked through south station i saw nothing but ties and tucked in shirts. Not one dude has on a pair of jeans...until i passed the intersection right beyond southstation..not 10 ft away from the business looking place." and he was like.."I dont know man, i only look at the girls here" and we both check out girls until we passed the intersection (in my defence i only complied because i felt obligated to fit the conversation because i might co-op there, because it is a very good general contracting company) but like...really?! Cut the shit. Like..is it really nescessary to display your manly bonor with a up and coming engineer thats 6-7 years your minor and in a still, i considered, a professional atmosphere. So like, even though he was cool, i was still in my professional mode and i got annoyed cause it was like..dude. cut the shit you REALLY dont have to talk about girls ALL the time. That wasnt the only time in the car ride either.
And it really doesnt help how this friend of mine..everytime i winch at the names Colin or Cung shes like..youre obsessed about them. Im like..seriously. Obsession is the WORSE choice of word. and she knows it she purposely does it to fuck with me. Honestly, it pushes me farther away from people. If its anything, I take Anger the most seriously out of all of my emotions because people rarely see me pissed off. To see me pissed off and to be one of the few to know how i am when im pissed at someone, why the fuck would you abuse that? Its not even like its. Ohh you have a crush on herr Ooh. Like even if she said that 100 times i wouldn't care cause at least thats like a postive emotion and i can laugh that off. Like sure i like her *giggles* or something like that. but to fuck with my anger when i used to have anger management problems? *smh* lol.
Yeah, my life isnt stable anymore..its sluggish. Meh, after smoking today though i thought again..for the 3rd time in the course of like..two days. Wtf am i doing with my life. geez, its funny and sad how you see my rises and drops through my blog. Even though i post in spans of like..weeks or days. I did a really good job writing at the right times.
The positive? Im less fuckin hit me and more. let me fuckin hit you. lol. Im ready to make shit happen cause of my sluggish life because i realize i was being introspective this whole time. Im ready to change a couple people to make MY life more comfortable. lol. Btw. Fuck you Kobe. lol
Crooked wheels keep turning
Children, are you learning
Acclimatize but don't you lose the plot
A history of blisters
Your brothers and your sisters
Somewhere in the pages we forgot
Take a number Jackie
Where the blood just barely dried
You know I'm on your side
Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
That has to be the most like..awesome..train of thought. haha. Ironic, I did exactly what i didnt want in my previous blog and you know what? i dont mind it. and i knew i wouldn't, which is why i didnt want to do it. haha. To reitterate, In my previous blog i pretty much said i dont want shit to happen to me and i actually want to live a upbeat life because if i took too much shit, i would go into my isolation mode again. Everyone annoys me now to an extent and thats the only flaw to this feeling of isolation. I hate the feeling of annoyance, thats why i dont feel it. haha but i do feel it now. Everyone i was close with for some reason im finding reasons to make me want to be like..dude. shut the fuck up! >.> seriously. All guys annoy me cause of their egos and all girls annoy me cause they bitch too much. The few girls i got close with, they tend to take advantage of my strong will and they grow comfortable with the insults and the pokes. Before it was like...oh haha youre funny! cause honestly, i didnt give a shit. For some reason im now like...chill. know your place. zzz. So im going into a state of isolation and now ive concluded that im a one man army, dude. Friends, fuck that shit. Everyone looks like ben to me now in some way shape or form. meh.
A good example of how im growing to be annoyed by people is like..This dude i met named chris i Internshiped with. Hes 25 and he works at blackstone as a supervisor and hes like..up there. Stable engineering career and he got his shit going for him cause he knows what hes doing. I respect his role and he was really bro with me but i got annoyed with him too. I was just small talking with him in the car cause he was dropping me off at Northeastern after the internship and you know how guys they talk about girls, cars, money, sports or...girls. When there are only guys. Its a sense of masculinity. when we drove through south station i was like "I found it interesting how one day when i walked through south station i saw nothing but ties and tucked in shirts. Not one dude has on a pair of jeans...until i passed the intersection right beyond southstation..not 10 ft away from the business looking place." and he was like.."I dont know man, i only look at the girls here" and we both check out girls until we passed the intersection (in my defence i only complied because i felt obligated to fit the conversation because i might co-op there, because it is a very good general contracting company) but like...really?! Cut the shit. Like..is it really nescessary to display your manly bonor with a up and coming engineer thats 6-7 years your minor and in a still, i considered, a professional atmosphere. So like, even though he was cool, i was still in my professional mode and i got annoyed cause it was like..dude. cut the shit you REALLY dont have to talk about girls ALL the time. That wasnt the only time in the car ride either.
And it really doesnt help how this friend of mine..everytime i winch at the names Colin or Cung shes like..youre obsessed about them. Im like..seriously. Obsession is the WORSE choice of word. and she knows it she purposely does it to fuck with me. Honestly, it pushes me farther away from people. If its anything, I take Anger the most seriously out of all of my emotions because people rarely see me pissed off. To see me pissed off and to be one of the few to know how i am when im pissed at someone, why the fuck would you abuse that? Its not even like its. Ohh you have a crush on herr Ooh. Like even if she said that 100 times i wouldn't care cause at least thats like a postive emotion and i can laugh that off. Like sure i like her *giggles* or something like that. but to fuck with my anger when i used to have anger management problems? *smh* lol.
Yeah, my life isnt stable anymore..its sluggish. Meh, after smoking today though i thought again..for the 3rd time in the course of like..two days. Wtf am i doing with my life. geez, its funny and sad how you see my rises and drops through my blog. Even though i post in spans of like..weeks or days. I did a really good job writing at the right times.
The positive? Im less fuckin hit me and more. let me fuckin hit you. lol. Im ready to make shit happen cause of my sluggish life because i realize i was being introspective this whole time. Im ready to change a couple people to make MY life more comfortable. lol. Btw. Fuck you Kobe. lol
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Beyond
Soo~ ever since the last post..my subconcious mind has been acting funny. Well someone would ask, how the fuck can you tell that your subconcious is acting funny if 1) its subconscious! theres a reason why its called sub-conscious and 2) if i am my own subconscious. Well glad of you to ask! haha you see, since i've been able to separate the subconscious and conscious before, its kinda hard to connect them completely again, so i have the option of whether or not to follow my instincts or not, and if they are ME. Then again, doesnt everyone? i doubt everyone listens to that little voice inside their head..the difference is i know where the little voices come from, and that makes a HUGE difference. Anywho..less digression. I want to annouce to myself that the previous option is what many would like to call "false hope" perhaps it is possible to do something like what the past post illustrated without the certain circumstances but witht he reasoning i have at hand NOW, i say its impossible. It's too risky to remember that subject of memories. It would awaken uncalled for emotions and drawbacks and the only positive to it would be i would create my own world. I would no longer need people and i would throw away the real world because i would be so content within myself. Pretty much, ill be going back to my old self. lol. thats not what i want. My subconcious self has already tried to trick me into hurting myself several times by making stupid decisions i wouldnt normally make, interactions with other being that may possible ruin the relationship i had with them and virtually make me go like..i should get some time alone. haha. tricky devil. Anywho.
I remember, the time i fought a really bad sickness. Why do i bring this up? because i think of this memory whenever i walk through a heavy rainstorm now. It was the epic last push of mentality four years ago.. after i lost my memory, it was a while until i forgot how to control my adrenline rush too and i felt it leave me during the camping trip. STORYTIME! the most epic story ever. Due to my adrenaline rushes, it became my duty to push the group of 12 forward as we treked the land of north carolina. It was the most strenuous day because we hiked for 12 hours straight and everyone was completely exhausted, including me. I had no more juice because i was pretty much on my kiaoken x10 lol.(dbz reference, ahha it was a skill used to multiple your powerlevel haha) I had a series of 10 other adrenaline rushes (which usually last me and the group for an hour of two) and i thought i was completely done. everyone was walking at slug pace and i was at the back, helping carry parts of 3 other peoples load because i offered to carry more during my adrenaline rush. I didnt show it. i never did. but i was ready to just..sleep where i was. It began to rainstorm because we were on a ridge of a rainforest. everyone has already rested for 15 mins and now they were using more time to talk out their rain jackets. i was completely against this cause every moment we rested our muscles, the worse it was to keep going. I refused to stop. and i was wearing shorts and tshirt, my last outfit and i continued to move. it rained as hard as it did today and worse for the entire time until i got there and i felt sickly ill. I layed in the tarp the whole night through without eating or sleeping. I couldnt cover myself cause i was soaked and exhausted and i couldnt sleep because i was so fuckin cold. There was massive amounts of wind since we were on the ridge and people cared for me. My vision was blurry and my body got ridiculously weak. people cared for me because i couldnt respond even when i wanted to. It was really bad but i remember it cause inside i had that FUCKIN HIT ME mode on. even though my body couldnt move and i was growing to be super sick..i wanted to do shit. we were lucky to stay at that camp site for 2 days instead of one and i never left my bed. the mentors pushed me forward, waking me up occasionally when there was food. but my body rarely complied..i heard them talking about me outside, they were worried because i pushed myself alot more than i should have. The third day i was better but it wasnt until a week or two later when i would stop coughing up flem and be at the front again. everyday for those two weeks it was like...gruesome. but it was super fun. Now i run in the rain happy because it makes me feel invincible. :] well. thats it.
What else? oh yeah. i feel awsome. haha
I remember, the time i fought a really bad sickness. Why do i bring this up? because i think of this memory whenever i walk through a heavy rainstorm now. It was the epic last push of mentality four years ago.. after i lost my memory, it was a while until i forgot how to control my adrenline rush too and i felt it leave me during the camping trip. STORYTIME! the most epic story ever. Due to my adrenaline rushes, it became my duty to push the group of 12 forward as we treked the land of north carolina. It was the most strenuous day because we hiked for 12 hours straight and everyone was completely exhausted, including me. I had no more juice because i was pretty much on my kiaoken x10 lol.(dbz reference, ahha it was a skill used to multiple your powerlevel haha) I had a series of 10 other adrenaline rushes (which usually last me and the group for an hour of two) and i thought i was completely done. everyone was walking at slug pace and i was at the back, helping carry parts of 3 other peoples load because i offered to carry more during my adrenaline rush. I didnt show it. i never did. but i was ready to just..sleep where i was. It began to rainstorm because we were on a ridge of a rainforest. everyone has already rested for 15 mins and now they were using more time to talk out their rain jackets. i was completely against this cause every moment we rested our muscles, the worse it was to keep going. I refused to stop. and i was wearing shorts and tshirt, my last outfit and i continued to move. it rained as hard as it did today and worse for the entire time until i got there and i felt sickly ill. I layed in the tarp the whole night through without eating or sleeping. I couldnt cover myself cause i was soaked and exhausted and i couldnt sleep because i was so fuckin cold. There was massive amounts of wind since we were on the ridge and people cared for me. My vision was blurry and my body got ridiculously weak. people cared for me because i couldnt respond even when i wanted to. It was really bad but i remember it cause inside i had that FUCKIN HIT ME mode on. even though my body couldnt move and i was growing to be super sick..i wanted to do shit. we were lucky to stay at that camp site for 2 days instead of one and i never left my bed. the mentors pushed me forward, waking me up occasionally when there was food. but my body rarely complied..i heard them talking about me outside, they were worried because i pushed myself alot more than i should have. The third day i was better but it wasnt until a week or two later when i would stop coughing up flem and be at the front again. everyday for those two weeks it was like...gruesome. but it was super fun. Now i run in the rain happy because it makes me feel invincible. :] well. thats it.
What else? oh yeah. i feel awsome. haha
Friday, June 4, 2010
Trigun
You know, anime's can teach a person ALOT. Take fullmetal alechemist for example...hehe. in this case. Trigun. For the past week i've been re-watching trigun because i bought a airsoft gun and felt very..gun like...completely forgetting how the anime went aside for the fact that it was really good. This is the pros to having bad memory. ehhe i can watch movies/tv shows infinite amount as long as i wait a period of time and itll be as if i never watched it before. Well this is a very big part of my life because this anime actually brought back some very important memories. What was old thomas thinking, what did he have planned for me? why did he live the way he did? how much did he actually suffer? I saw myself in vash's shoes completely and they did the best job illustrating how a mental breakdown looks. It reminded be of the pain i went through and why i should be and am grateful for who i am now. The memory is already beginning to fade, because it was quite painful. If you want to know how i felt back then watch like..episode 23-25 of trigun. I also remembered why i just..could not be around girls crying. i hated it for the longest time. Over time, only the feeling of extreme dislike for girls crying remained because of the origins that was forgotten, now i dont care at all. But i remmeber why i did. Since girls are more emotional than guys, not judging..its true to a very far extent. When they cry its usually due to a situation where they can find no exit and they are caught within themselves and forced into fetal position, fetal postion being crying. Its how i used to feel and to see it happen to other people shook me down to the marrow of my bones cause it was so unfortunate. Idk..just a thought. but this glipse of a flashback gave me a hint on how to blend the two Thomas's without meditating or falling in love. All i need to do is understand what i was trying to do and remember it. haha. This in itself would give me eternal happiness. Fuck why did old thomas have to be so damn complex? it was a very between the lines thought i only managed to grasp when Vash woke up after 10 nights of sleep because he had a mental breakdown. Then he was feeling okay...until he remembered everything and made a blood curling scream. I remember that scream..i used to have it. Insanity. *sigh* So its true, one must feel eternal pain to truely find true beauty in life. This is going to be fun. now i know why i started smoking...and why the old thomas in me loves smoking even though it was against everything. I Still had some memories when i started..These lyrics should do it justice. but i drained these lyrics of all effect cause i listened to it so much XP
Atreyu-dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the 6th time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
Stop, look around, the stuff you see rebuild, renown,
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
I just smoked three times straight and editted this blog post twice cause i find ways to throw relating thoughts....hopefully giving further future thomas an idea of what i remembere. haha
But honestly, this is not a depressing post in any sort. Its a lead and it makes me very happy actually, to know that there is an alternative to reach my life goal. a song that started playing in my head my head while i was writing this blog..i have yet to decipher the lyrics, but they must relate since it started playing in my head. Interpol- A time to be so small.
Atreyu-dilated
Yesterday I forgot to breathe for like the 6th time this week...
Maybe it was the pink cloud strafed sky that changed my mind, and brought me back.
Seems like every day it's kill or be killed...
With all this anger, we cannot progress.
With all this anger there is no time to inhale and progress,
And catch the smell of something that you once knew...
Cause every day it's bear the load or break
When will it be too much?
Have you ever stopped, raised your face up to the sun and screamed?
Let it out exhale the pain that strangulates your soul.
When will I be free? When will I be free? When will I be free?
My lungs take in the fragrance of remorse.
What is the cost?
Am I living?
If you let your lungs fill up with pain then you will drown, then you will drown in your own regret.
I'm drowning in my own regret!
Stop, look around, the stuff you see rebuild, renown,
everything's so beautiful if we just take the time.
My arms feel so numb... my heart palpitates missing a beat.
The blood freezing in my veins... the taste of rust in my mouth!
So today I just threw it all away. I just threw it all away!
Though the love burns my eyes I will not be blind.
If you blink you could miss so much.
Please don't ever close your eyes.
I just smoked three times straight and editted this blog post twice cause i find ways to throw relating thoughts....hopefully giving further future thomas an idea of what i remembere. haha
But honestly, this is not a depressing post in any sort. Its a lead and it makes me very happy actually, to know that there is an alternative to reach my life goal. a song that started playing in my head my head while i was writing this blog..i have yet to decipher the lyrics, but they must relate since it started playing in my head. Interpol- A time to be so small.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Back to the Future
I feel as if going back to my old home was a necessity for my growth. I rememebered ALOT more than i ever did. I probably remembered it in that first year after i lost my memory when i had that huge fuckin recoil and remembered everything and grabbed onto the things that i would really need to keep going. Idk. I forgot it again and now i i remembered it again. haha. My memory is so weird. It was a necessity though because i felt alot of emotions linked to these memories. These were untouched virgin memories before i had any hints of philosophy. Within these memories was the emotions of a just...average human. I dont want to be like that and i cant become like that but i remembered alot of emotions due to these flashbacks. Today i felt jealousy, as i watched a couple get cuddly...i got angry as i played pool. like..i was going to punch someone angry. i was so damn frustrated. but we'll get to that. lol. there are some thoughts that i wan to jolt down before i forget them though.
In philosophy class we are beginning to study religion and me being me, i have very strong ideas against god. As atreyu said, "strength comes from within, not from above." since the text said Christianity is a religion of pity that somehow transformed into a discussion about mistakes. Someone in the class that has a massive ego, i tend not to talk to him cause he himself agrees that he has this problem, and its veryy obvious, he naturally sees himself as better than everyone else. Now, i trust that he has his reasons but sometimes the ideas he backs up are plan STUPID. for instance we were arguing about mistakes in life due to the god theme. I said well, just because you made a msitake, or "commited a sin" it does not mean that you did something wrong. Not every mistake is a wrong. and he said. well its like..duhh synonyms...mistake and wrong. if its a mistake then its clearly wrong cause its not right. and im like..*facepalm* cause i knew there was no use arguing with soemone like him. Take my life for example, shit, i fucked up and i made mistakes. but that doesnt make them wrong. if anything i consider them the right thing because if not i wouldnt have become the person i am. He being christian though, doesnt understand this concept of loving oneself. People asked me about my beliefs during class and i became the spokesman for all atheist because i had strong beliefs. A girl said, i never heard anysuch thing as Atheist until i came to college. The country she came from and the culture she grew up around was all christian, it was out of the norm for someone to speak say the god's name in vain. Sos he asked me the most peculiar but serious question, " so did you ever belief in god at least once in your life?" and i said in turn "No, because i always believed in myself" and there was a tense yet very honest and mature atmosphere around the room. i liked it. I would love to get inside a head of a christian.
Pool. so i was VERY fustrated i kept missing my shots and i blamed the two noobs that beat me. I wanted to find a new perspective of pool i havent yet seen, hard shots made simple, the secret to placement. change in form. something that can upgrade my proformance by 100 fold. i found nothing besides more failure. I ended up leaving the pool room and i am soo grateful that it rained today. i sat outside and chain smoked three times ( chain smoking is to light the smoked cig with a new one). I thought of pool and what bochen told me. i still hit very hard..i force my positioning and that isnt necessary, it should be all very graceful. I thought about me as a person. i've become short tempered. I bathed in the rain. No matter what type of human i become, i will never be the short tempered one, for i know where anger leads man. as i sat outside and smoked i thought of nothing but soft colors. occasionally i would make eye contact with a wild animal, and i would hold it. This is very relaxing. After i walked back in i put in my music and i am happy to say that i am back to normal. i am very graceful now. i think.
but yea, im quite emotional right now. idk if i should embrace this or push it away so i leave it alone. zzz loneliness is still in the air and i try to turn and look the other way because the warmth i need is not external..it can be..but i think its internal. I dont love myself anymore.
speaking of which i know how it feels like to fight from fainting. i did it today. it actually is harder than one would expect. i was standing at my bus stop smoking in the morning waiting for the bus. Before that i drank 2 monsters and stayed up all night productive. i wrote almost 6 pages single spaced. I then, anxious to get to school and print then get some sleep got anxious and was very anxious as i stood at the bus stop. Once i decided to smoke to calm myself down, bad idea. it calmed me down alright but it was too hard too fast..and probably too early in the morning i got very lightheaded and the shakes around my body to keep my up were uncontrolable but uneffective. i began to sway and my eyes felt heavy cause i got dizzy and nauseous my body was willing to turn off on me any second cause everything felt so light, and yet heavy. My awesomeness has been drained by the two monsters so i had no more stored energy or rush left in me to snap out of it. i kept changing to heavier and heavier rock music so i could get my blood rushing but my body was shutting down..i was blacking out. What stopped me was the idea of fainting, accompanied by the slight burn i put on myself with my smoke. It would be so pathetic if i fainted. besides i was having fun experience what it felt like to kinda..loose all hope and control. it was the closest thing to death ive experienced. I smiled. The bus came driving up and i took deep breaths and made sure i didnt pass out until i was sitting down. that way i can control how much rest my body got. it was fun
What else?..nothing much. i think im going to go home now.
In philosophy class we are beginning to study religion and me being me, i have very strong ideas against god. As atreyu said, "strength comes from within, not from above." since the text said Christianity is a religion of pity that somehow transformed into a discussion about mistakes. Someone in the class that has a massive ego, i tend not to talk to him cause he himself agrees that he has this problem, and its veryy obvious, he naturally sees himself as better than everyone else. Now, i trust that he has his reasons but sometimes the ideas he backs up are plan STUPID. for instance we were arguing about mistakes in life due to the god theme. I said well, just because you made a msitake, or "commited a sin" it does not mean that you did something wrong. Not every mistake is a wrong. and he said. well its like..duhh synonyms...mistake and wrong. if its a mistake then its clearly wrong cause its not right. and im like..*facepalm* cause i knew there was no use arguing with soemone like him. Take my life for example, shit, i fucked up and i made mistakes. but that doesnt make them wrong. if anything i consider them the right thing because if not i wouldnt have become the person i am. He being christian though, doesnt understand this concept of loving oneself. People asked me about my beliefs during class and i became the spokesman for all atheist because i had strong beliefs. A girl said, i never heard anysuch thing as Atheist until i came to college. The country she came from and the culture she grew up around was all christian, it was out of the norm for someone to speak say the god's name in vain. Sos he asked me the most peculiar but serious question, " so did you ever belief in god at least once in your life?" and i said in turn "No, because i always believed in myself" and there was a tense yet very honest and mature atmosphere around the room. i liked it. I would love to get inside a head of a christian.
Pool. so i was VERY fustrated i kept missing my shots and i blamed the two noobs that beat me. I wanted to find a new perspective of pool i havent yet seen, hard shots made simple, the secret to placement. change in form. something that can upgrade my proformance by 100 fold. i found nothing besides more failure. I ended up leaving the pool room and i am soo grateful that it rained today. i sat outside and chain smoked three times ( chain smoking is to light the smoked cig with a new one). I thought of pool and what bochen told me. i still hit very hard..i force my positioning and that isnt necessary, it should be all very graceful. I thought about me as a person. i've become short tempered. I bathed in the rain. No matter what type of human i become, i will never be the short tempered one, for i know where anger leads man. as i sat outside and smoked i thought of nothing but soft colors. occasionally i would make eye contact with a wild animal, and i would hold it. This is very relaxing. After i walked back in i put in my music and i am happy to say that i am back to normal. i am very graceful now. i think.
but yea, im quite emotional right now. idk if i should embrace this or push it away so i leave it alone. zzz loneliness is still in the air and i try to turn and look the other way because the warmth i need is not external..it can be..but i think its internal. I dont love myself anymore.
speaking of which i know how it feels like to fight from fainting. i did it today. it actually is harder than one would expect. i was standing at my bus stop smoking in the morning waiting for the bus. Before that i drank 2 monsters and stayed up all night productive. i wrote almost 6 pages single spaced. I then, anxious to get to school and print then get some sleep got anxious and was very anxious as i stood at the bus stop. Once i decided to smoke to calm myself down, bad idea. it calmed me down alright but it was too hard too fast..and probably too early in the morning i got very lightheaded and the shakes around my body to keep my up were uncontrolable but uneffective. i began to sway and my eyes felt heavy cause i got dizzy and nauseous my body was willing to turn off on me any second cause everything felt so light, and yet heavy. My awesomeness has been drained by the two monsters so i had no more stored energy or rush left in me to snap out of it. i kept changing to heavier and heavier rock music so i could get my blood rushing but my body was shutting down..i was blacking out. What stopped me was the idea of fainting, accompanied by the slight burn i put on myself with my smoke. It would be so pathetic if i fainted. besides i was having fun experience what it felt like to kinda..loose all hope and control. it was the closest thing to death ive experienced. I smiled. The bus came driving up and i took deep breaths and made sure i didnt pass out until i was sitting down. that way i can control how much rest my body got. it was fun
What else?..nothing much. i think im going to go home now.
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