So, heres to another depressing blog post. lol. My title? that is how i feel deep down inside when i feel lonely, depressed, or angry. Anything negative really. Today i went through the entire day feeling super lonely. Like..wow. it was terrible. Even though i was spending my day with someone awesome like Christie Wood, my childhood friend. I couldn't shake it and it drove me nuts cause i felt..soo..human. like geez...the emotions were overflowing and i couldn't do shit about it. I started thinking about death. You know i dont wake up a single day Not thinking about death? Im pretty well off compared to myself in the past. But its because of that its like...is this a dream? i have a bad memory but i would never forget what i went through mentally. I Feel so old for my age. The life i cling onto now only exist within my love for pool and my future in engineering. Thats it. People, all the material items i have, the experiences. After you realize memories can be manually erased, love does not last forever, and experience is only a fleeting moment. what the fuck is there to live for? Once i past my threshold and fucked with all the experiences in my life to force myself to the way i am now...i should feel grateful. and honestly i do for a majority of the time...but for moments like this i have to just look at myself and think..what the fuck am i living for? I have done shit man shouldn't have. Aside from the past ideals, there is the present that refuses to shutup like a little voice inside my head. The person i am right now. who am i? The life i live is only a image and it slaps me in the face whenever i fail a test or do poorly in an assignment. One more nail to my coffin to prove that i have not changed..im just this guy trying to be another. The idea that a truth made into a lie is one a lie when you prove it to be is illustrated throughout my life. I cant shake the idea that i'm living a lie. I should be dead. But then again my persistant ass refuses to die. lol. goddamnit someone should just shoot me, i wouldn't file a lawsuit. i'd stare them straight in the eyes and say thank you. Maybe that would change two lives at once. Well i was lonely all today not because i dont have a girlfriend. at this moment im not stable enough to have a girlfriend. its just the fact that no matter how far i try to reach i cant help but realize im still in my own little world. I do this naturally because of my ace skill in isolating myself. Thats why ive been trying to force my blog onto people, show them i exist. i want to grow bonds beyond just the surface to show that this image is real. blah. this needs to stop. i need to stop.
This moment doesnt make my life any easier either cause each of these moments are a crack in the glass that i just replaced. They make me want to go back into the world where i was content being alone and thinking. RAWR FUCKIN HIT ME. i want to see my blood. i want to feel like im alive. i want to make sure i can feel pain and i can understand when i see someone sad now.
Funny thing is i was talking to colin recently about my life, because he still likes me and i told him im on a time limit. My two life goals to make me completely stable again contradict. I want to learn how to meditate again (that way i can connect the old thomas and new) and i want to fall in love again. The problem with that though is the closer i get to meditating the farther i will go into the thinking side of me. I dont want that. I told myself i would try to put a cap on it when i start meditating and stay fairly surface and think of nothing but the present. That would take the talent of the old thomas though...soo its a problem, cause the more i think the less i would want a girlfriend thats what i really need..in order to finish the fuckin cycle. Since i have to keep moving forward and obviously cant rush the girl, i have to work on just meditating. So what has to happen so that this works out is i have to meditate just enough to not have anymore blog post like this..then randomly bump into the girl and BAM stable for my life. even if i break up with her its that idea that i fuckin did it...i had chemistry with another girl while stable. Ehh i have to time it perfectly somehow though...Cause i have to start my meditating training asap cause the longer i wait the mroe i will forget. well thats enough for today. lol
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
get high drunk pussy and more
lol very vulgar title i know. but that is exactly how my life was like for two nights consecutively this week. I believe it was tuesday night..i was suppose to go to a party and for some reason they didnt accept college id's. and for some reason everyone whipped out passports. it was stupid. i ended up following V, linda tran's bf, to the heart of mattapan and we all drank and got high. the guys were cool. It wasnt until the end of the night when i was about to hop in the car one of V's friends was like..let me get a refill. ONE i paid for the fuckin liquor and had to haul my ass to get it, and i didnt even use any of it for its purpose. 2) i dont fuckin know the guy and i was high as shit. So idc who it is, when you open my bag and try to grab shit from my bag i take a step back even if i know what you want. i dont care. dont go through a man's bag if you want something you ask and if i say no its a no. lol I wasnt scared of them at all even though they were the stereotypical 6'5 250 lb black people. After i hopped in the car and closed my bag one of them came up to the car and was like...blah blah blah watch your boy when he comes back cause, my friend here, he's a alcoholic and your boy didnt give him a refill. I was scared at first cause i told him my neighborhood and what school i went to earlier. which was stupid i know but i needed a place to crash and i was talking to my friends which knew people at neu and they butt in on the conversation. so yeah..i was high out of my mind so thats all i heard. i didnt give a shit until 30 mins into my high i realized i told them my life, and i really didnt want them commin into the gameroom with their glock and shit. But yeah..they were super respectable. why do black people have to be so goddamn like..prideful. fuckin its my liquor. and besides theyre all over 21. assholes. that was the first night. wednesday night sabat asked me if i wanted to go to a strip club and i said sure. so we drank in the car until we were all like..really nicely buzzed and we went to the strip club. ass and tits everywhere. Sabat was trying to make me sit next to the stage and i did. i gave her 5 ones and she rubbed her boobs on my face and stuff. yeah. it was fun. tammy was there too. lol we sat next to this guy that was fuckin hammered talking to, who i thought, was the hottest stripper. i managed to keep up with the convo at first but then i said fuck it. The guy was from harvard and had the biggest ego, surprisingly he was super cool i would probably never hang out with him outside of the club though. lol he slid tammy his number almost instinctively. i got home pretty drunk still..and well..that ends the two night craziness
There are some other topics on my mind. Such as pool. i was having a bad day yesterday in pool and i got soo fuckin heated when a dude at the table next to me said "hey, can you please keep the childish noises to a minimum" cause i was like..bochenn rawr stop beating me. thats how i usually am. lol. its a funny kidding whiny voice. bochen knows i go serious on him though and i focus when its my shot. these guys were such douchebags. i was so heated i challenged them to a double. i technically ended up losing cause bochen ended up helping me win, i missed all my shots. i was so mad afterward i stayed in the pool hall for three more hours. close to breaking my stick. and they were complete noobs. they were still discussing how to position and shit. -_- and both of them had terrible form. I woulda fuckin raped them on a regular day. assholes. its okay though, i work there. next time i see them when im behind the desk ill be like..uhh..no..fuck off. lol. anywho. next topic
so has anyone been on the subway before and looking into the tinted glass when youre sitting at a corner? its so mindfucking. it makes no sense. its a mirror. but its not any mirror. you could see all the way to the end of the cart if you get close to the glass. its like..wtf that doesnt even make sense in physics. cause i know in physics it takes a mirror at least 1/3 your height to see your entire body. you have to get close to it. This proportion is wayyy out of range though..one window an entire cart? the light angling and shit just doesnt add up. i realized this when i was going to ashmont to meet up V on wednesday. lol. another thing about subways is, why do people use their hands to brush their chairs? i mean..there are those to make sure its not wet..then i see people brushing off crumbs. i was just w/e about that until i saw exactly what could actually happen on those subway seats. wednesday afternoon i was on a cart that had a puddle of shit..literally..excrement. shit...on the chair. the smell was terrible. and i see a guy shortly afterward picking shit off his chair and brushing it before he sits. im like..honestly. you use your hands ALOT more than the ass part of your pants. thats disgusting.
Next topic. So there are alot more girls in my life than i realized atm. Ran Ding, a very attractive female that began workin in the gameroom she looks straightup asian and has a british accent like some do that immigrate from hongkong...but shes actually born and raised in Africa. british colonized the part she lived in as well..thats so sexy. another girl is..shit i forgot her name.. french girl which also works in the gameroom. then there is chung chung, i got her number yesterday cause i met her at a party and we bumped into each other again she smokes too so i felt comfortable to be around her she said she'll contact me..today because she wants to hang out O.o. then theres tammy and jenny and im getting close to some of the wellsley girls again, talking to them on a daily basis. Theres also Daniela and Han (which i mentioned earlier) which are girls i just talk to friendly on a daily basis but tend to talk the initiative to contact me first even though we barely see each toher. huh..idk if its my ego..but the proportions between girls and guys (guys being just whoever is in the poolroom) is a bit..overrun. lol
Another topic. so i compltely forgot about meditation this entire week. aside from probably monday. it sucks how im not keeping up with it..the more gaps i put between my training the more years it will take me to get there. its like starting over if i dont do it everyday. poot.
Another topic. So my boss hates me, there are so many legitmate reasons why she would, i honestly dont blame her i was a terrible worker at first and she just seems to catch me on the most stupid moments. but yeah...idk..im considered the fuck up i guess.
Oh i was listening to the killers all day today and i got another epiphany. i know what i want tattooed. i want a beautiful moutain scenery tattooed on my arm. How does these two correlate? well its because the killers has this reoccurring image of mountains in their music videos..its rather subliminal. But i noticed it and thought of the symbolism and began to relate it to my life. Its a peek and its beautiful and not only did i say i always wanted to die alone in a beautiful natural scenery but i also continue onto my journey in serch of true beauty in this world. Its not within man because we cause hate. its not within love cause i been there. its another natural thing...to get this tattooed will not only mean that no matter where ill die ill be at a beautiful scenery but that i myself am true beauty. That is a lie. and its corny i know. but shit everyone has corny thoughts that keep them going right? whatever.
anywho. i think im going to wrap up. ummm how should i end? uhh...idk..w/e lol
There are some other topics on my mind. Such as pool. i was having a bad day yesterday in pool and i got soo fuckin heated when a dude at the table next to me said "hey, can you please keep the childish noises to a minimum" cause i was like..bochenn rawr stop beating me. thats how i usually am. lol. its a funny kidding whiny voice. bochen knows i go serious on him though and i focus when its my shot. these guys were such douchebags. i was so heated i challenged them to a double. i technically ended up losing cause bochen ended up helping me win, i missed all my shots. i was so mad afterward i stayed in the pool hall for three more hours. close to breaking my stick. and they were complete noobs. they were still discussing how to position and shit. -_- and both of them had terrible form. I woulda fuckin raped them on a regular day. assholes. its okay though, i work there. next time i see them when im behind the desk ill be like..uhh..no..fuck off. lol. anywho. next topic
so has anyone been on the subway before and looking into the tinted glass when youre sitting at a corner? its so mindfucking. it makes no sense. its a mirror. but its not any mirror. you could see all the way to the end of the cart if you get close to the glass. its like..wtf that doesnt even make sense in physics. cause i know in physics it takes a mirror at least 1/3 your height to see your entire body. you have to get close to it. This proportion is wayyy out of range though..one window an entire cart? the light angling and shit just doesnt add up. i realized this when i was going to ashmont to meet up V on wednesday. lol. another thing about subways is, why do people use their hands to brush their chairs? i mean..there are those to make sure its not wet..then i see people brushing off crumbs. i was just w/e about that until i saw exactly what could actually happen on those subway seats. wednesday afternoon i was on a cart that had a puddle of shit..literally..excrement. shit...on the chair. the smell was terrible. and i see a guy shortly afterward picking shit off his chair and brushing it before he sits. im like..honestly. you use your hands ALOT more than the ass part of your pants. thats disgusting.
Next topic. So there are alot more girls in my life than i realized atm. Ran Ding, a very attractive female that began workin in the gameroom she looks straightup asian and has a british accent like some do that immigrate from hongkong...but shes actually born and raised in Africa. british colonized the part she lived in as well..thats so sexy. another girl is..shit i forgot her name.. french girl which also works in the gameroom. then there is chung chung, i got her number yesterday cause i met her at a party and we bumped into each other again she smokes too so i felt comfortable to be around her she said she'll contact me..today because she wants to hang out O.o. then theres tammy and jenny and im getting close to some of the wellsley girls again, talking to them on a daily basis. Theres also Daniela and Han (which i mentioned earlier) which are girls i just talk to friendly on a daily basis but tend to talk the initiative to contact me first even though we barely see each toher. huh..idk if its my ego..but the proportions between girls and guys (guys being just whoever is in the poolroom) is a bit..overrun. lol
Another topic. so i compltely forgot about meditation this entire week. aside from probably monday. it sucks how im not keeping up with it..the more gaps i put between my training the more years it will take me to get there. its like starting over if i dont do it everyday. poot.
Another topic. So my boss hates me, there are so many legitmate reasons why she would, i honestly dont blame her i was a terrible worker at first and she just seems to catch me on the most stupid moments. but yeah...idk..im considered the fuck up i guess.
Oh i was listening to the killers all day today and i got another epiphany. i know what i want tattooed. i want a beautiful moutain scenery tattooed on my arm. How does these two correlate? well its because the killers has this reoccurring image of mountains in their music videos..its rather subliminal. But i noticed it and thought of the symbolism and began to relate it to my life. Its a peek and its beautiful and not only did i say i always wanted to die alone in a beautiful natural scenery but i also continue onto my journey in serch of true beauty in this world. Its not within man because we cause hate. its not within love cause i been there. its another natural thing...to get this tattooed will not only mean that no matter where ill die ill be at a beautiful scenery but that i myself am true beauty. That is a lie. and its corny i know. but shit everyone has corny thoughts that keep them going right? whatever.
anywho. i think im going to wrap up. ummm how should i end? uhh...idk..w/e lol
Monday, May 24, 2010
gnawing at my nails to find the nicotine that finds itself underneath
You know, I had a choice between two titles. It was either "My Perfect Day" or the one i posted. i've been waiting two days to post this blog post so i have alot to say. I chose this title cause i could have put a title emphasizing on the awesome weekend i had or i can be a bit more down to earth and tackle a problem. I watched a movie when i was little about one of those white moms that are a bit trashy and she was so addicted to smoking that she was biting her nails trying to get the nicotine that found itself underneath due to the smoke. her nails were as yellow as the filter cause she smoked packs a day. This thought terrifies me cause i notice myself already biting my nails so yeah >.>. i will never become like that. Anywho..
My perfect day! One of Kevin's most renown conversation starters is "What would your perfect day look like? down to like..fuckin..what you look at, which route you choose to get home..how many times you breath." ahha its a interesting question. Recently i actually experienced my perfect day and so i wish to share that with you now.
The day starts around 800..just early enough to consider it early. I was early for school for thirty mins and had a stats test (this is the only flaw to the day)...i bombed it. lol. but its w/e im retaking it and getting a A haha. School should end early. School for me ended around 10:30 due to my bombing of the test. During my perfect day, I should show someone my serious side. Right after class i had a Bottomline appointment just to catch up on stuff and well, I love my mentor, i think shes hot and she speaks realisticly and softly, reasonably. But during this appointment i got tired of her statistics because i just bombed a stats test so i was easily offended. Our appointment was pretty much all about my grades and what i wanted to do next year, Btw her name is Amy. She was looking at my grades and said, you want to stay at cps with these grades even though its so expensive? Its 15k MAX a year to graduate neu from next year henceforth with a BA. I said to her it wasnt that expensive, its close to UMASS cost except a bit more..and its worth it if its NEU. By the time this subject came into hand and she said that first question i already caught what she was implying and began to be offended. She went down the route i was wishing she didn't, she was telling me to just go to a community college because with the grades im getting, what good am i going to do at neu anymore? she refrained from using the word "Waste" when speaking about the money i had to pay. I was just waiting for her to say "You're wasting money staying at neu cause your gpa is continuing to be this bad, just go to a community college and get a 4.0 first" BUT SHE SAID EVERYTHING BUT THE WORD WASTE. lol. i used all my power to tell her fuck you politely. I said honestly, this is probably why i've been doing so bad in school, but i dont think school is all about the grades" and she responds by saying "thats exactly what its all about!!" and i continue by saying "its the experience and the challeneg and the learning experience. If i allow myself to downgrade now then who am i to myself? I have a pride issue, i know it but if i go to a community college, whos to say ill do better? i might just do worse because of the sole fact that i purposely bumped myself down" The conversation begins to get tense cause even though we were both speaking softly i was very serious..very offended. She said in response, "well whats to say youre going to do any better next year at neu?! foundation year gave you a chance pumped with resources and you didnt take it" I reply in response. "Hope. i have hope and confidence in myself because if i cannot do this then regardless of where i go afterward, i would have nothing" And while i was continuing my next statement by saying "I know, its suicidal but i'm the type that prefers to learn how to run before i walk..." and she excused herself from the table for five minutes. she went to the back to vent to the other mentors that i was crazy..the dean came out from the back before her and said so himself...hes a chill guy. I chuckled at that annoucement and waited for her response after she came back. Apparently she was doing research back there and she was looking up how much it would cost for me to stay at northeastern. She came back out with a calculator side by side and just started by saying..lets look at the financial part of this. My perfect day must include me showing my serious side and having people LISTEN to me. I felt a weight off my shoulders after she came back, ready to help again..im very grateful to have her as a mentor. We talk money and just..plans of my career and the reoccuring theme was, "I have to have hope and confidence and do this for myself and because if i can't survive in northeastern then i like...completely fail at life and thats that" She realized that since im taking night classes ill be working in the morning as well and commuting at night. She sighed but continued the conversation. After i left we were on good terms and i had three more hours until work and it was noon by the time i got back on campus. My perfect day has to have good weather and alot of free time. I ended up reading to sleep on a very comfortable bench...and woke up with people sitting around me and still having more free time! it was a great feeling. It was just enough free time for me to stretch and kinda take a breather though. so i didnt have time to be bored. I went to work and i work from 3-8. My perfect day has to include me earning money and easily..or enjoyably. My job was dead easy and once it striked 6 i have already went through 3 episodes of trigun, finished my hw, and got bored..i blasted music and sang along from 6-8. My perfet day should include MUSIC and a perfect amount of me time vs people time. After this shift alone, periodically talking to random people and holding funny conversations with lost people passing my info desk, i decided to walk towards BLS because it was BLS asian night. my perfect day should also include MINIMAL expenses I snuck into asian night cause it was already 8 by the time i got there, i left work early. Right when i walked into i felt at home again...there were people..a whole ROOM full of people laughing and happy. After doing a shift which had very little human contact its good to see alot of people happy. It makes my day. so i enjoy last three shifts by finding a random empty seat and sitting alone. Afterward i saw all my bls friends. and it was great. My perfect day has to include either, a good amount of my best friends together randomly or a significant other. :] I did not expect to see so many 09'ers. after that me and donvu had a heart to heart conversation walking around and had dinner together. My perfect day should involve bonding with another, just as much as i bonded with myself that day. it was a perfect day. I kept busy but had free time at the same time. Sigh* i just wish i Ace'd that test. that night i went home and my whole family was there. I realized this was a perfect day on the walk home while smoking. lol.
Anywho there is alot more i want to talk about but this entry is long enough. I've been getting closer than ever before to meditating and already sucessfully meditated once for ten minutes. I was left completely drained though.. Keep updated.
My perfect day! One of Kevin's most renown conversation starters is "What would your perfect day look like? down to like..fuckin..what you look at, which route you choose to get home..how many times you breath." ahha its a interesting question. Recently i actually experienced my perfect day and so i wish to share that with you now.
The day starts around 800..just early enough to consider it early. I was early for school for thirty mins and had a stats test (this is the only flaw to the day)...i bombed it. lol. but its w/e im retaking it and getting a A haha. School should end early. School for me ended around 10:30 due to my bombing of the test. During my perfect day, I should show someone my serious side. Right after class i had a Bottomline appointment just to catch up on stuff and well, I love my mentor, i think shes hot and she speaks realisticly and softly, reasonably. But during this appointment i got tired of her statistics because i just bombed a stats test so i was easily offended. Our appointment was pretty much all about my grades and what i wanted to do next year, Btw her name is Amy. She was looking at my grades and said, you want to stay at cps with these grades even though its so expensive? Its 15k MAX a year to graduate neu from next year henceforth with a BA. I said to her it wasnt that expensive, its close to UMASS cost except a bit more..and its worth it if its NEU. By the time this subject came into hand and she said that first question i already caught what she was implying and began to be offended. She went down the route i was wishing she didn't, she was telling me to just go to a community college because with the grades im getting, what good am i going to do at neu anymore? she refrained from using the word "Waste" when speaking about the money i had to pay. I was just waiting for her to say "You're wasting money staying at neu cause your gpa is continuing to be this bad, just go to a community college and get a 4.0 first" BUT SHE SAID EVERYTHING BUT THE WORD WASTE. lol. i used all my power to tell her fuck you politely. I said honestly, this is probably why i've been doing so bad in school, but i dont think school is all about the grades" and she responds by saying "thats exactly what its all about!!" and i continue by saying "its the experience and the challeneg and the learning experience. If i allow myself to downgrade now then who am i to myself? I have a pride issue, i know it but if i go to a community college, whos to say ill do better? i might just do worse because of the sole fact that i purposely bumped myself down" The conversation begins to get tense cause even though we were both speaking softly i was very serious..very offended. She said in response, "well whats to say youre going to do any better next year at neu?! foundation year gave you a chance pumped with resources and you didnt take it" I reply in response. "Hope. i have hope and confidence in myself because if i cannot do this then regardless of where i go afterward, i would have nothing" And while i was continuing my next statement by saying "I know, its suicidal but i'm the type that prefers to learn how to run before i walk..." and she excused herself from the table for five minutes. she went to the back to vent to the other mentors that i was crazy..the dean came out from the back before her and said so himself...hes a chill guy. I chuckled at that annoucement and waited for her response after she came back. Apparently she was doing research back there and she was looking up how much it would cost for me to stay at northeastern. She came back out with a calculator side by side and just started by saying..lets look at the financial part of this. My perfect day must include me showing my serious side and having people LISTEN to me. I felt a weight off my shoulders after she came back, ready to help again..im very grateful to have her as a mentor. We talk money and just..plans of my career and the reoccuring theme was, "I have to have hope and confidence and do this for myself and because if i can't survive in northeastern then i like...completely fail at life and thats that" She realized that since im taking night classes ill be working in the morning as well and commuting at night. She sighed but continued the conversation. After i left we were on good terms and i had three more hours until work and it was noon by the time i got back on campus. My perfect day has to have good weather and alot of free time. I ended up reading to sleep on a very comfortable bench...and woke up with people sitting around me and still having more free time! it was a great feeling. It was just enough free time for me to stretch and kinda take a breather though. so i didnt have time to be bored. I went to work and i work from 3-8. My perfect day has to include me earning money and easily..or enjoyably. My job was dead easy and once it striked 6 i have already went through 3 episodes of trigun, finished my hw, and got bored..i blasted music and sang along from 6-8. My perfet day should include MUSIC and a perfect amount of me time vs people time. After this shift alone, periodically talking to random people and holding funny conversations with lost people passing my info desk, i decided to walk towards BLS because it was BLS asian night. my perfect day should also include MINIMAL expenses I snuck into asian night cause it was already 8 by the time i got there, i left work early. Right when i walked into i felt at home again...there were people..a whole ROOM full of people laughing and happy. After doing a shift which had very little human contact its good to see alot of people happy. It makes my day. so i enjoy last three shifts by finding a random empty seat and sitting alone. Afterward i saw all my bls friends. and it was great. My perfect day has to include either, a good amount of my best friends together randomly or a significant other. :] I did not expect to see so many 09'ers. after that me and donvu had a heart to heart conversation walking around and had dinner together. My perfect day should involve bonding with another, just as much as i bonded with myself that day. it was a perfect day. I kept busy but had free time at the same time. Sigh* i just wish i Ace'd that test. that night i went home and my whole family was there. I realized this was a perfect day on the walk home while smoking. lol.
Anywho there is alot more i want to talk about but this entry is long enough. I've been getting closer than ever before to meditating and already sucessfully meditated once for ten minutes. I was left completely drained though.. Keep updated.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
USE THE FORCE!
So, after i cleared up from the last blog (took about 30 mins after the blog was posted) i was pretty much back to mellow me except for the fact that i gained revived energy but i dont mind it at all. Matter of fact, I feel like im Mr. Awesome. Im so awesome that i think im ready..even though as shown from the last blog post im definitely not. but shit..i mean when will i be ready then, you know?..well of course you dont know because i havent said anything yet. I want to regain anger. The feeling of impatience and like..just..disgust. Very bad idea. and knowing my history with stress and anger im pretty much lighting a match next to a pile of already-drowned-in-lighter-fluid-self. cause i've been there and done that and its much harder to gain good attributes rather than bad. but idk.like geez. when was the last time i can say i've felt a adrenline rush? i used to run on that shit every single day. lol. It was a great..well better now cause i dont need it to tell myself im awesome but with a external force, such as anger. Help shit push along idk..anything can happen! ANYTHING! lol. probably i'll go and allow myself to feel anger, this is very easy for me because all i need to do is reintroduce anger. whenever someone fucs with me instead of just letting it go with a completely blank head i can tell myself:Hey thomas, this is ANGER. but yeah...idk..more digression on a later day. im tired as shit .lol
Editt:
Further digression must include pool. There is a new guy in NEU and geez...bochen cant beat him. This terrifies me. That means that even the smallest fuck up is intentional. can you believe that?! I cant even wrap my head around how good he is. thats how good he is. lol. its like..krilin is to freeza's fourth transformation as i am to this guy. I call him Mcdermott guy cause he always has his mcdermott cue stick and it looks almost identical to my lucasi.His real name is Baran and hes turkish! haha i threw the few turkish words i knew at him and we had a fun conversation haha. Even though i know that every time he misses hes going easy on me he's so good that he can messup and put the ball places that would make the game just challenging enough for me. I like his modest system of teaching and honestly, i bitch and moan about it in the pool room cause if i see a shot that i can do that he cant, its obvious he gave me too much slack. but he rarely does that and usually we have reallly fun games that leaves him laughing and me sweating bullets lol
Pool, work, hw, home :P
Editt:
Further digression must include pool. There is a new guy in NEU and geez...bochen cant beat him. This terrifies me. That means that even the smallest fuck up is intentional. can you believe that?! I cant even wrap my head around how good he is. thats how good he is. lol. its like..krilin is to freeza's fourth transformation as i am to this guy. I call him Mcdermott guy cause he always has his mcdermott cue stick and it looks almost identical to my lucasi.His real name is Baran and hes turkish! haha i threw the few turkish words i knew at him and we had a fun conversation haha. Even though i know that every time he misses hes going easy on me he's so good that he can messup and put the ball places that would make the game just challenging enough for me. I like his modest system of teaching and honestly, i bitch and moan about it in the pool room cause if i see a shot that i can do that he cant, its obvious he gave me too much slack. but he rarely does that and usually we have reallly fun games that leaves him laughing and me sweating bullets lol
Pool, work, hw, home :P
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Happiness is surreal
It's beginning and im so confused. Im battling myself like i did in the past and i must take a stand. Part of me REALLY wants to question myself and i feel as if there is nothing but gain. the other side of me says FUCK YOU! no more thinking!! im STABLE. The old thomas always believed that the pattern of life creates change naturally but the transformation can never be for the better if we do not question it and find out the flaws. Happiness is surreal because it is like story which is only true when you make it true. One can feel genuinely happy if they truely believed that they were happy, even through the most stressful times. Is my happiness surreal? Old thomas inside wishes to know. Me currently sees it as something that shouldn't be tampered with because my stablilty is probably a illusion as well. I dont want to find something like that out, and besides im just looking for reasons to be unstable. Maybe Jenny Hoac was right, when i learn how to meditate would that do me any good? ill not only remember the old self but ill see the truth again and the truth is nothing but anger and resentment for self and world around. Wtf do i do now? Im battling myself right now in my head. both sides are finding the flaws for one another and laying out the pros and cons. Is being mellow so good anyways? I became mellow just because of the natural transitions in life but does it truely make me happy and stable? It's just an easy way to keep isolated so my life seems stable. Today i hung out with a awesome group of people and to be honest, i didnt enjoy it much at all after i left them. Im actually growing to be so mellow that i prefer to be alone. So if i dont learn to meditate and face myself then i'll end up turning into someone i dont like anyways. Isolated and thinking again. so why run from the inevitable? At least if i go at it now i can face the problem and continue with my image before i loose too many friends. The new me sees hope in myself that i will know better. If there wasn't hope that the mellow me isnt here for a reason, why would i be doing it? It seems as if im more compelled to think about it now. but im still able to hold it back with the simple statement.."i am stable and happy and this is what i asked for when i achieved my life goal" if i jump deck before giving it a shot and fuck..probably i will change into a thinker again in the end but at least i lived like a human for longer than i ever did. I can put away these thoughts and continue enjoying the life i have and enjoying the beauty around me with a naive and innocent mind tomorrow if i decide tonight that i dont want to think. These complex dilemmas were so easy for me to just..face choose the best side but now that im human im stuck with the immature mentality that perfers gradual change rather than manual change. I just want to be happy. Someone needs to seriously just..love me. and i can put both sides at rest. that happiness is external. it will never be surreal unless you lied to yourself in the first place. *sgh* Fuck the last entry..meditation can wait until i have a stronger mind and feel confident that everything im doing in life is right. That way old thomas cant put in his two sense and still believe that living alone and thinking is the best idea. I'm definitely going to need more alone time in the future to figure this out. I want to meditate but why would i if it contradicts my current self? perhaps there is a way around it. i knew there was. I need to be more confident that my mellow self will not become a thinker. False gold is real to those who do not see reality. I want to reach such a level where im so content with my life that productive or not, fake or not. idc, the life i live is what i define as happiness. I want to live. I've decided, not to think. but in respects to the other concept which has strong ideas and reasoning..i will have to give this some time. Love.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Reminissions
So, today was great. I've realized that im seriously stabilizing. Thats why my pool skills are actually improving now. Nothing but good news right now! :D There is a distinct pattern that i actually dont mind. Surprisingly i find myself actually busy with plans everyday. Before it was that i slacked soo much that i didn't have a chance to do my shit but now im keeping up even though i have soo many things to do with my days! OMFG the tip broke off my stick >:[ im so mad. rawrr..my beautiful stick :[ im sorry baby. One of these things would be hanging out with people i have not chilled with in like..literally 5 years. I also play pool and work. that is pretty much it.
Relating to the title. Today as i sat down thinking about what to title..what to write about. I realized i already knew. I think now is the best time to rethink what im doing with my life. see what im doing. I'm going to try to meditate again. and ladis and gents. the day i can mediate again ill quit smoking instantly. lol. we'll see how it goes. but yeah...throughout the whole week..hanging out with childhood friends..writing a letter for jenny hoac's time capsule, telling her about my past, hanging out with lauren, visitng ob, hanging out with monica, having a fuckin stable life. haha all in this week. I want to see how thomas is truely doing. That might harm me? unnecessary drama? most likely. but it must be done :] lets see if i even can. or am i too fuckin human? lol. i have enough motivation so ill hop right to it. Ooh and listening to this song from avenged sevenfold, Reminissions.
"A good friend once told me you are our memory
without them we equal nothing
And all I can see is the place I wanna be
suddenly my life was so free
Leaves at my feet, blown to the ground
their echoes are reaching my ears
Nights coming fast, suns going down
But keep away from me... keep away from me
(it's hard, to keep me in this place, keep away from me)
We may have created the beginning, mentally
We may have created the beginning, physically
To the end of our human existence..."
interesting lyrics. Im excited to see how this goes.
Relating to the title. Today as i sat down thinking about what to title..what to write about. I realized i already knew. I think now is the best time to rethink what im doing with my life. see what im doing. I'm going to try to meditate again. and ladis and gents. the day i can mediate again ill quit smoking instantly. lol. we'll see how it goes. but yeah...throughout the whole week..hanging out with childhood friends..writing a letter for jenny hoac's time capsule, telling her about my past, hanging out with lauren, visitng ob, hanging out with monica, having a fuckin stable life. haha all in this week. I want to see how thomas is truely doing. That might harm me? unnecessary drama? most likely. but it must be done :] lets see if i even can. or am i too fuckin human? lol. i have enough motivation so ill hop right to it. Ooh and listening to this song from avenged sevenfold, Reminissions.
"A good friend once told me you are our memory
without them we equal nothing
And all I can see is the place I wanna be
suddenly my life was so free
Leaves at my feet, blown to the ground
their echoes are reaching my ears
Nights coming fast, suns going down
But keep away from me... keep away from me
(it's hard, to keep me in this place, keep away from me)
We may have created the beginning, mentally
We may have created the beginning, physically
To the end of our human existence..."
interesting lyrics. Im excited to see how this goes.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Smokin' HOT
Extremely Long post ahead! i was outlining this post roughly lastnight before i fell asleep cause i knew i had to cover a series of topics about my life so here it is
1) Intro-(mothers day, life, mood, etc)
2) Bu two days ago
3) smoking
4) music
5) pool
6) outlook on life
I feel like i missed some stuff cause actually i fell asleep at 6pm yday and didnt wake up until this morning. I was very exhausted. lol. So the outline i said i made was only in my head. lol. So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERYONE! Im lookin forward to going out to eat for my mom tonight! :] its going to be fun. Hum My mood right now is good. Everyone for once is at home together. Its beautiful weather outside. Like usual when my sisters are together they tend to just sleep? Idk why. Like usual, my dad is doing some fixing house or equipment crap and im on my computer and mom is cooking. Usually my sister can sleep up until dinner time and come rushing out like YUMMY food! i would still be on the computer doing something so compelling that i would have to pull myself away to eat. haha my dad would be the last one to come to the dinner table cause hell be bringing in the tools and stuff. But today even though it loos very cliche its going to be different!! cause i need to take a shower since i didnt last night lol and we are going out to eat for mothers day :]..which leaves me to wonder why my mom is cooking O.o.I guess its all part of the nostalgic family image. haha So lets begin!
Wow, i must say..Bu two days ago was probably a life changing event that i took very lightly. Im learning how to be very comfortable about myself, and speaking aout my personal thoughts with the firm confidence i have with everything else. ITs a side i didnt see come out so suddenly. I met two new people two days ago (the reason why i was so exhausted this morning)friday night i visited bu and slept over until saturday morning. I met two people one named Bryant (aka zed) and another being Stephy. For some reason i was veryy naturally comfortable around Stephy and told stephy a brief summary about my life. Weird huh? but lets rewind. Why was i at bu anyways?! excellent quesion. and i wondered that as i waited in the lobby of the warren towers for this girl we shall call Han. Han likes me alot....she told everyone. haha. I met her at a picnic a month or so ago. It was a awesome picnic cause moses hosted it and we ended up playing catch phrase the whole time until i left for work. Apparently, after i left i left an impression on someone because she shortly added me on facebook and continued to keep in contact and not too long later...got my phone number and began to text me. I of course would not shoo away a fellow creep ahaha so i responded and stuff...well.she likes me ALOT. So friday, after talking to Jenny Hoac, i realized that i needed to tell her how i feel about her. I dont like her. I probably could if i allowed myself. But i dont want that. So i sat in the lobby that friday afternoon debating how i should go about it or if i should even tell her. For some reason i left the lobby, her by my side still undecided because i felt like i should let go and just be with her. i might find my sentimental side and she'll be happy. double win right?...is it worth giving up the stable life i have now? (yes i have a very stable life right now) lol i sigh and decide in the end that i would simply let the day play out and keep the two sides at the back of my head. If she steps a line ill have to tell her the truth. She gave me space though. and we talked very friendly. I liked that alot. Made me feel even worse if i even thought about blurting out my blunt rejection. But regardless i promised Jenny i would not flirt. And i didnt. haha BOOYAH IF YOURE READING <3 lol. so yeah she was the reason why i was at BU. Me and Han did nothing special. talked like normal i purposely allowed her to feel more distant with my more mature responses. We ended up going to stephy's room just cause we ran out of things to do. Stephy was alone so we stayed there the whole night with dan, jesse and bryant. Yeah, once Han left the room and stephy and bryant approached me about her and i was surprisingly at ease s i told them how i felt. This sudden feeling of comfort continued through the night. But yeah..Han left the room around 4-5 exhausted cause Bryant and Dan were still up gaming and she really wanted to sleep. we had to decide who wanted to stay and in the end, i stayed in the room with stephy as everyone left around 5. We stayed up until 7 talking about ourselves. Mostly about relationships and i felt very comfrtable talking about phi. I told her she was at bu and how it took me 6 years to get over her. It was my response to her when she asked me if i ever experienced true love. She commented on my story by saying, "Thats Obsession, its different". It got me thinking but eh.. I only gave a 5 min summary and i was tired so it might have sounded like pure obsession since it was one sided. We got pretty personal and stayed that way until we both agreed to get some sleep. She woke me up at 11 and kicked me out cause her parents were here. I complied and left. She was such a beautiful person..Inside. I learned to respect her and see another layer. but no i am not attracted to her the slightest bit. lol So next topic!
SMOKINGGG oh my oh my. readers. Please dont look. The day after i left bu. I smoked soo much. In fact ive been smoking alot in general. I've been becoming addicted to the serenity i grasp after tugging a nice one under the hot sun. On average, i smoke 4-5 a day. The day i left BU alot was running through my head and i smoked 6 times in a course of 3 hours. Yikes. Im sorry people. lol. if it makes you feel better, i havent smoked in the past 24 hours. lol. ive been asleep 90% of the past 24 hours. I want a smoke right now >.>
INTERPOL im getting into them Finally. It started with Take you on a cruise and i have that shit still on replay. haha they are beginning to flood my playlist :] its more mellow than the strokes or Kings of convience. I think by the end of this, i would be the most mellow person you've met. cause my music continues to be more and more mellow. Of course, i continue to listen to metal here and there. but mellow all the wayy.
POOL. Dude. Im disgusting. im sorry. but now fuck shooting. i can do that (unless its balls in the middle of the table, for some reaon i cant make those angled shots.)but dude. i give people serious trouble. haha i learned a new break and my stroke greatly improved. I played ray and this other guy (both 7 years experience) and i gave them a good long game. :]. Im still far off from Bochen but..Im getting there bochen!!
LIFE? Moving forward! :D sure i still have that outlook that i have to get dirty here and there. nothig is going to be drama free for me. but life is great. Life is better single. Peace!
1) Intro-(mothers day, life, mood, etc)
2) Bu two days ago
3) smoking
4) music
5) pool
6) outlook on life
I feel like i missed some stuff cause actually i fell asleep at 6pm yday and didnt wake up until this morning. I was very exhausted. lol. So the outline i said i made was only in my head. lol. So HAPPY MOTHERS DAY EVERYONE! Im lookin forward to going out to eat for my mom tonight! :] its going to be fun. Hum My mood right now is good. Everyone for once is at home together. Its beautiful weather outside. Like usual when my sisters are together they tend to just sleep? Idk why. Like usual, my dad is doing some fixing house or equipment crap and im on my computer and mom is cooking. Usually my sister can sleep up until dinner time and come rushing out like YUMMY food! i would still be on the computer doing something so compelling that i would have to pull myself away to eat. haha my dad would be the last one to come to the dinner table cause hell be bringing in the tools and stuff. But today even though it loos very cliche its going to be different!! cause i need to take a shower since i didnt last night lol and we are going out to eat for mothers day :]..which leaves me to wonder why my mom is cooking O.o.I guess its all part of the nostalgic family image. haha So lets begin!
Wow, i must say..Bu two days ago was probably a life changing event that i took very lightly. Im learning how to be very comfortable about myself, and speaking aout my personal thoughts with the firm confidence i have with everything else. ITs a side i didnt see come out so suddenly. I met two new people two days ago (the reason why i was so exhausted this morning)friday night i visited bu and slept over until saturday morning. I met two people one named Bryant (aka zed) and another being Stephy. For some reason i was veryy naturally comfortable around Stephy and told stephy a brief summary about my life. Weird huh? but lets rewind. Why was i at bu anyways?! excellent quesion. and i wondered that as i waited in the lobby of the warren towers for this girl we shall call Han. Han likes me alot....she told everyone. haha. I met her at a picnic a month or so ago. It was a awesome picnic cause moses hosted it and we ended up playing catch phrase the whole time until i left for work. Apparently, after i left i left an impression on someone because she shortly added me on facebook and continued to keep in contact and not too long later...got my phone number and began to text me. I of course would not shoo away a fellow creep ahaha so i responded and stuff...well.she likes me ALOT. So friday, after talking to Jenny Hoac, i realized that i needed to tell her how i feel about her. I dont like her. I probably could if i allowed myself. But i dont want that. So i sat in the lobby that friday afternoon debating how i should go about it or if i should even tell her. For some reason i left the lobby, her by my side still undecided because i felt like i should let go and just be with her. i might find my sentimental side and she'll be happy. double win right?...is it worth giving up the stable life i have now? (yes i have a very stable life right now) lol i sigh and decide in the end that i would simply let the day play out and keep the two sides at the back of my head. If she steps a line ill have to tell her the truth. She gave me space though. and we talked very friendly. I liked that alot. Made me feel even worse if i even thought about blurting out my blunt rejection. But regardless i promised Jenny i would not flirt. And i didnt. haha BOOYAH IF YOURE READING <3 lol. so yeah she was the reason why i was at BU. Me and Han did nothing special. talked like normal i purposely allowed her to feel more distant with my more mature responses. We ended up going to stephy's room just cause we ran out of things to do. Stephy was alone so we stayed there the whole night with dan, jesse and bryant. Yeah, once Han left the room and stephy and bryant approached me about her and i was surprisingly at ease s i told them how i felt. This sudden feeling of comfort continued through the night. But yeah..Han left the room around 4-5 exhausted cause Bryant and Dan were still up gaming and she really wanted to sleep. we had to decide who wanted to stay and in the end, i stayed in the room with stephy as everyone left around 5. We stayed up until 7 talking about ourselves. Mostly about relationships and i felt very comfrtable talking about phi. I told her she was at bu and how it took me 6 years to get over her. It was my response to her when she asked me if i ever experienced true love. She commented on my story by saying, "Thats Obsession, its different". It got me thinking but eh.. I only gave a 5 min summary and i was tired so it might have sounded like pure obsession since it was one sided. We got pretty personal and stayed that way until we both agreed to get some sleep. She woke me up at 11 and kicked me out cause her parents were here. I complied and left. She was such a beautiful person..Inside. I learned to respect her and see another layer. but no i am not attracted to her the slightest bit. lol So next topic!
SMOKINGGG oh my oh my. readers. Please dont look. The day after i left bu. I smoked soo much. In fact ive been smoking alot in general. I've been becoming addicted to the serenity i grasp after tugging a nice one under the hot sun. On average, i smoke 4-5 a day. The day i left BU alot was running through my head and i smoked 6 times in a course of 3 hours. Yikes. Im sorry people. lol. if it makes you feel better, i havent smoked in the past 24 hours. lol. ive been asleep 90% of the past 24 hours. I want a smoke right now >.>
INTERPOL im getting into them Finally. It started with Take you on a cruise and i have that shit still on replay. haha they are beginning to flood my playlist :] its more mellow than the strokes or Kings of convience. I think by the end of this, i would be the most mellow person you've met. cause my music continues to be more and more mellow. Of course, i continue to listen to metal here and there. but mellow all the wayy.
POOL. Dude. Im disgusting. im sorry. but now fuck shooting. i can do that (unless its balls in the middle of the table, for some reaon i cant make those angled shots.)but dude. i give people serious trouble. haha i learned a new break and my stroke greatly improved. I played ray and this other guy (both 7 years experience) and i gave them a good long game. :]. Im still far off from Bochen but..Im getting there bochen!!
LIFE? Moving forward! :D sure i still have that outlook that i have to get dirty here and there. nothig is going to be drama free for me. but life is great. Life is better single. Peace!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Love yourself
This blog post is for Those that do not and completely oblivious, are trying to, and already, Love themselves. This question has present itself to me recently and deemed worthy for my attention. I've noticed that even as far as the end of freshman year in college. People Fail to even grasp what it means to love oneself. There is nothing false behind the phrase, "You must first love yourself, before you can love others" hell, i'll say i dont love myself completely yet. there are still some regrets i hold on to. I hesitate constantly about my life and fear change. But i love myself at least enough to understand this much. There are some people out there i just...cant look at because they are so bright but they fail to see the light. (nice pun i know)lol. But seriously, this especially happens for overly studious people who trained themselves to work work work work. They dont give themselves a break they put their love for another before the love for themselves and even though its beneficial..sooner or later it will break you because you do not love yourself. You cannot specify what should be the utmost importance in your life before you've seen what you have to appreciate in your life is what im saying. There are people i talk to now constantly depressed because they feel like every step they take is in the wrong direction. I hope im clear with at least the conceptual aspect of this topic. So if you caught on you will now find yourself asking HOW and WHY? why would one need to love themselves if i know what im doing with my life? The answer tot hat is easy. If you dont love yourself (loving yourself directly translates to understanding yourself and your needs and wants etc) then you technically DONT know what you are doing with your life. Your relationship is failing. i wonder why. There is a steady stream of bad karma i wonder why. lol If you understood yourself and made not the RIGHT choices but the BEST choices. one would see that the circumstances would be greater influenced for the better. But since you only see the right choices and the bad circumstance, you wonder WHY ME. Well..this leads to How. how te fuck do you break out of your cycle. Its simple. Begin with the basics. Your family. You hate them..clearly..because you hate yourself. you are distant from people perhaps? clearly. because you dont know the type of person you are. you dont know the type of people you relate to. Or maybe your relationship never quenches that thirst that you yearn for. The social life shows whether you love yourself or not very clearly. Fuck shit i hate my family and i refuse to accept the way they are. The difference between my prospective and the prospective of one which does not love themselves is the fact that i've move past that and learned to accept the way they are. not because they are of their own individual world. but because they made me who i am and who am i? I am a man that loves his family for who they are because i love myself and appreciate the upbringing i was brought up in. Loving yourself is not hard at all. It involves rationalizing and thinking more logically on why your life is shit. Hell, i still forever live in a shit hole and i loved myself this whole time..doesnt mean i dont life in a shithole. It means that i have the confidence to get over it though in time. This is why i took this blog so seriously! some people love themselves naturally. Others had to work for what they have alot more than others therefore they forgot to spend more time on themselves. Which is fine. But loving yourself is the CORE source to the most Basic and simple confidence. the confidence that allows us to just get up every morning. Of course if mastered it can do wonders, as i too have experienced. But loving yourself too much may leave no room for others. You can always have too much of a good thing. in fact, i Loved myself so much i spent 7 years building a impenetrable fort. which i spent several more years tearing down. haha anywho. Please people. Love yourself. Never regret, for regretting is only the raw consequence of not fully understanding the results of your decisions! haha that RAW aspect, the fundamentals, of regret is derived from not loving yourself. THINK ABOUT IT
On another note. I guess im doing fine right now. Alot is happening cause im standing up you know..kicking and punching. Alive and pursuing, if you will. lol. recently i've been entering a new chapter of my life i've been trying to release myself from. I think hang helped me get out of it because i saw she was in the same state. Its a depressing state where you want to be ALONE like..i sat at frog pond for hours on end just looking in...talking on the phone..smoking. lol. another time i walked from downtown to foresthills in a matter of 3 hours cause i walked to relfection pool and just sat there. I was listening to my music and stuff. I was obsessed with serenity. There is no problem with that. but i dont want to be that type of person. Im gld that its a side of me that has really come out and expressed itself more lately but i love life too much to sit another moment just thinking about it. I want to embrace, feel, breath, taste the air around me the people and the experiences. Its a world of people that my body has lacked. I will learn how to meditate. But it will never take away my life. Thank you.
EDITT::
This is what i wrote to cung, There was no reply
WarCryExtremist: It seems to me that your recent endeavours have left me questioning myself as a person. And i must say i apologize for my misconduct. I wanted to do this rightfully in person but something tells me this would not happen so smoothly as it does in my mind. I feel like a truce should be made because i hate silence. That would bring nothing but negative circumstances to the nearby communities
WarCryExtremist: :]
WarCryExtremist: Now for whatever reason you have, you can consider of unimporantance i will of course respect, but i have done my part and i want to let you know that you are as much a friend to me as i am to you henceforth
That part that says "now for whatever reason you have (that) you can consider of unimportance i will of course respect" was a trying to sound smart part responding to the predicted response he would put saying "IDC" or something of the sort. lol butyeah. he's exactly like Huy, Christ.
On another note. I guess im doing fine right now. Alot is happening cause im standing up you know..kicking and punching. Alive and pursuing, if you will. lol. recently i've been entering a new chapter of my life i've been trying to release myself from. I think hang helped me get out of it because i saw she was in the same state. Its a depressing state where you want to be ALONE like..i sat at frog pond for hours on end just looking in...talking on the phone..smoking. lol. another time i walked from downtown to foresthills in a matter of 3 hours cause i walked to relfection pool and just sat there. I was listening to my music and stuff. I was obsessed with serenity. There is no problem with that. but i dont want to be that type of person. Im gld that its a side of me that has really come out and expressed itself more lately but i love life too much to sit another moment just thinking about it. I want to embrace, feel, breath, taste the air around me the people and the experiences. Its a world of people that my body has lacked. I will learn how to meditate. But it will never take away my life. Thank you.
EDITT::
This is what i wrote to cung, There was no reply
WarCryExtremist: It seems to me that your recent endeavours have left me questioning myself as a person. And i must say i apologize for my misconduct. I wanted to do this rightfully in person but something tells me this would not happen so smoothly as it does in my mind. I feel like a truce should be made because i hate silence. That would bring nothing but negative circumstances to the nearby communities
WarCryExtremist: :]
WarCryExtremist: Now for whatever reason you have, you can consider of unimporantance i will of course respect, but i have done my part and i want to let you know that you are as much a friend to me as i am to you henceforth
That part that says "now for whatever reason you have (that) you can consider of unimportance i will of course respect" was a trying to sound smart part responding to the predicted response he would put saying "IDC" or something of the sort. lol butyeah. he's exactly like Huy, Christ.
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