idk

So there is SO much to blog about. my fucking god. i dont know where to start and i might have to just type about it in another entry. Im typing this blog cause i cracked. I realized my life isnt going good for me at all. Theres nothing i want yet i want so much. Im bipolar and its driving me nuts. Just after a summer search reunion i snapped...cause i realized i was suddenly jealous and sad cause Van (my ex) might be going out with someone else in the program. This sudden rush of emotion was so unsettling that i had to leave early. Why am i jealous/sad about this? My theory is weird. its probably because shes beautiful..inside and out. Thats why she was my gf regardless of how bipolar she was. I think she changed and she grew to be more beautiful than before. Now she has found a guy i feel is a man because he is a good friend of mine and i know he can and will treat her right. Thats why im jealous/sad. I am attracted to her slightly. But why am i not the usual thomas and just be happy for those that are happy? thats what i do. This is the first time i felt like this and happiness is being sucked out of me because ever since the last post i feel like everything has been going nowhere but down. I held my poise. Sigh* its not holding so steadfast. I need something to occupy me besides pool and reading because its depressing. I dont feel productive. I also lost all sight of meditation completely and have no focus. This drives me nuts cause now i have nothing to turn to. This happened due to the fact that if i do meditate and i do find myself then i will make a choice and choose myself or people. I can no longer see gray after hurting so much. What to do thomas what to do? what happen to the cup always half full? what happened to making as many people happy as possible. Now i hurt everyone i touch and i continue to as i become more bipolar. I've been trying to hide the fact that i am spiraling but when i realized i became jealous/sad seeing van. that completely threw me off. Idk. Its probably my music. Ive been listening to White Lies alott and it is quite depressing lyrics but the songs are so beautiful so they just perpetuate the situation lol. Im a mess. I dont know if anyone can help me. I dont know if i can help myself. Wtf is going on?