Consolation Prizes

I am usually Somewhere unknown, a fantasy. My ego blinds me. I WANT TO STAY AT NORTHEASTERN! As my grades present itself, I realize that my ego has blinded me, like usual. I dont blame it, nor do i regret it..but i am furious. My "awesome" personality is present due to past experiences. It allows me to put myself above all else around me. It is NOT cockiness. i consider myself very humble. Humble of what is the question. It is a personality that can obviously be seen through because underneath is actually a load of shit. Example: Dude wtf Thomas I know im doing below average (2.916) GPA. As you have noticed i have not mentioned that in any blog entries thusfar. In fact the most recent blog post was great. I do a great job emphasizing the good points in my life. because i needed to in my past in order to move ahead. The truth is i need a solid 3.0 to even be ELIGIBLE for NEU next year and there are many that have 3.5 and higher in this program. Previously bottom-line counselor told me that only the top 10% of my program will be addmitted into NEU. I asked my program counselor if that was true or not a day afterward- after a night of no sleep from stress of hearing such news- and she denied the knowing of any circumstance of the such. So i was able to but it in the back of my head. Its all coming back now. And i the most recent stats test grade was a 47% even after studying. Pool..truth is i suck. I was playing this guy today and we were on par it was an intense game but i ended 3-2 kevin beat him afterward 3-1. As for the girl. I found out another guy is chasing her and he has the upperhand due to the fact he is from India as well. I foreshadowed this after that day of ballroom cause she brought him to ballroom with her and he took her outside to have a long talk with her afterward...and had her leave with him before we can finish dancing without her even saying bye to me. Today they are eating together. I was evesdropping cause she was talking to her best friend, (Kreg, shes a girl that has a opposite sex as a best friend..that to me is a very big turn on cause it shows she feels comfortable around males). Well i heard her say i have dinner at 8 too and kreg asked her can i come? and shes like..ehh. and hes like..oh who are you eating with? and she said who else? and hes like..ooh have funn. and i left after that. fuck that shit. I hate the chase. thats why i liked her..thats why i miss selin. cause i felt like between me and selin it was so Natural there was no chase. Phi gave me a 4 year long chase. im done with that shit. So acedemics is fucked up. pool..im not really that good at all. and the girl i like is out of reach because i refuse to chase her. I was flipping shit yda and depressed as well cause i realized i hate the chase just yday...as i noticed i have not actually talked to her much..have not hung out with her..and its just..not as natural. i dont see her. Im naturally a nice guy. The girls i were talking about before saying im changing the way i treat girls. i take that back. fuck that shit. im going to be the type of person i am. Im a nice guy and im clingy im friendly. I dont make many perverted jokes anymore but if a girl doesnt like a guy that makes conversations and just drifts into relationships LIKE HOW A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE. then fuck that shit. By the way..all these examples presented itself today. Thats probably why i feel like such crap. The test..the pool..and the evesdropping that established competition. I notice the fact im not that far off any of these and i do have a chance. But SHIT. It sucks. Im happy though. This shows im becoming more human and im very Grateful of this feeling. Im glad i get mad at the small things and i refuse to accept consolation prizes. Fuck cause of this day i smoked again. It made me feel good for 5 mins. Very good actually. lol but afterward i was like. Fuck im smoking again! haha. that was after i finished the stick. I'm in psych now. the only class i can count on cause i know i have higher than a B in it. So i feel comfortable in this class. but geeez my professor is lecturing about memory now. *facedesk* I DONT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. lol. im such a bitch. Tell me to suck it up. Do it. i deserve it. But right now im learning about these different levels of stress others have learned a long time ago. This comes with the idea of Caring for my life....Before it was just maintaining sanity. zzz I fuckin hate my life right now. But like usual i accept it. Thats why, Colin. I feel like I have the mindset of someone over twenty. But "Fuck this shit. Give me a shot" A phrase i made up. Situational pun on the word "shot" lol. well..seems like this will be my 12th? entry. Two more. :]