Fairytale.

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Consolation Prizes

I am usually Somewhere unknown, a fantasy. My ego blinds me. I WANT TO STAY AT NORTHEASTERN! As my grades present itself, I realize that my ego has blinded me, like usual. I dont blame it, nor do i regret it..but i am furious. My "awesome" personality is present due to past experiences. It allows me to put myself above all else around me. It is NOT cockiness. i consider myself very humble. Humble of what is the question. It is a personality that can obviously be seen through because underneath is actually a load of shit. Example: Dude wtf Thomas I know im doing below average (2.916) GPA. As you have noticed i have not mentioned that in any blog entries thusfar. In fact the most recent blog post was great. I do a great job emphasizing the good points in my life. because i needed to in my past in order to move ahead. The truth is i need a solid 3.0 to even be ELIGIBLE for NEU next year and there are many that have 3.5 and higher in this program. Previously bottom-line counselor told me that only the top 10% of my program will be addmitted into NEU. I asked my program counselor if that was true or not a day afterward- after a night of no sleep from stress of hearing such news- and she denied the knowing of any circumstance of the such. So i was able to but it in the back of my head. Its all coming back now. And i the most recent stats test grade was a 47% even after studying. Pool..truth is i suck. I was playing this guy today and we were on par it was an intense game but i ended 3-2 kevin beat him afterward 3-1. As for the girl. I found out another guy is chasing her and he has the upperhand due to the fact he is from India as well. I foreshadowed this after that day of ballroom cause she brought him to ballroom with her and he took her outside to have a long talk with her afterward...and had her leave with him before we can finish dancing without her even saying bye to me. Today they are eating together. I was evesdropping cause she was talking to her best friend, (Kreg, shes a girl that has a opposite sex as a best friend..that to me is a very big turn on cause it shows she feels comfortable around males). Well i heard her say i have dinner at 8 too and kreg asked her can i come? and shes like..ehh. and hes like..oh who are you eating with? and she said who else? and hes like..ooh have funn. and i left after that. fuck that shit. I hate the chase. thats why i liked her..thats why i miss selin. cause i felt like between me and selin it was so Natural there was no chase. Phi gave me a 4 year long chase. im done with that shit. So acedemics is fucked up. pool..im not really that good at all. and the girl i like is out of reach because i refuse to chase her. I was flipping shit yda and depressed as well cause i realized i hate the chase just yday...as i noticed i have not actually talked to her much..have not hung out with her..and its just..not as natural. i dont see her. Im naturally a nice guy. The girls i were talking about before saying im changing the way i treat girls. i take that back. fuck that shit. im going to be the type of person i am. Im a nice guy and im clingy im friendly. I dont make many perverted jokes anymore but if a girl doesnt like a guy that makes conversations and just drifts into relationships LIKE HOW A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE. then fuck that shit. By the way..all these examples presented itself today. Thats probably why i feel like such crap. The test..the pool..and the evesdropping that established competition. I notice the fact im not that far off any of these and i do have a chance. But SHIT. It sucks. Im happy though. This shows im becoming more human and im very Grateful of this feeling. Im glad i get mad at the small things and i refuse to accept consolation prizes. Fuck cause of this day i smoked again. It made me feel good for 5 mins. Very good actually. lol but afterward i was like. Fuck im smoking again! haha. that was after i finished the stick. I'm in psych now. the only class i can count on cause i know i have higher than a B in it. So i feel comfortable in this class. but geeez my professor is lecturing about memory now. *facedesk* I DONT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. lol. im such a bitch. Tell me to suck it up. Do it. i deserve it. But right now im learning about these different levels of stress others have learned a long time ago. This comes with the idea of Caring for my life....Before it was just maintaining sanity. zzz I fuckin hate my life right now. But like usual i accept it. Thats why, Colin. I feel like I have the mindset of someone over twenty. But "Fuck this shit. Give me a shot" A phrase i made up. Situational pun on the word "shot" lol. well..seems like this will be my 12th? entry. Two more. :]

The (P)ool Life

So my life is cool..and pool. lol. My skills are still improving and my positioning is greatly improving. For many they are having trouble understanding the effect wall does on the spin of balls or that would happen after such a spin hits a ball..but it all makes more and more sense to me. Yes this is going to be a entry about pool. haha. people that know me for a long time..know how poor my vision is. and it is BAD. so when i lost my vision i thought..ohs fuckin noes! i cant play pool anymore!! truth is i can play just as good. lol just now my instincts have strengthened and my positioning is forced to improve faster. I beat several people blind so its great. I like to tell myself i surpassed kevin now cause when im at my prime my straight shots are undeniable. my banks are clean..btw they are my favorite shot becaus its probably the hardest shot out of all the common shots one must learn to get proficent in pool. it requires you to hit a object ball off the cusion so it banks to the pocket on the other side of the table. i do them very nice now. also my angle shots are good, i dont need to use them to the fullest anymore because i have mediocre positioning skills. My breaks are disgusting. i never have a break that leaves the balls all on one side of the table anymore. It requires a higher level of understanding with the stroke. because in order to do a more powerful break one has to be able to put their body and speed into the shot without messing up your shot. many mess up their shot and hit too high on the ball, too low or put too much spin when they try to hit hard cause their stroke isnt natural enough. Im trying to learn new shots like...intense angle shots...reverse banks (you hit the ball on the opposite side because the white ball is on the same side of the object ball as the pocket you wish to call) It requires more skill. cause its funky. Ooh im also learning cut banks and long banks. cut banks are insane angle shots that are done only in win or lose moments cause its so hard XD. if the white ball is on the other side of the table of the object ball and the striaght shot is blocked. you can aim for the side of the ball. with enough power and accuracy the ball will bounce off the wall and reach the opposite side of the tabl and enter a pocket. long banks are just like regular banks except the table the object ball and cue ball are on opposite ends of the table long. its completely different from that of side banks. where you bank it while the cue ball and object ball are on the wideth of the table.anywho. pool is great. th reason why i havent been posting? i want to get into it really bad but i dont want to talk about it i dont want to jinx it. But i think i really found a girl i can like. shes new in my life. shes respectful smart cute. and she kinda reminds me of selin... her name will be given..probably wehn i actually get to know her for longer than a week. we ballroomed together and i had a blast. she works at the pool room too :D..sigh* shes great. but heres a hint! dear readers,...*sgih*..i wish i knew hindu.<3 lolol

EDIT!!:
So, i pulled a all nighter...why? so that i can fix up my sleeping schedule...well around 530 ish the girl i likes facebook messages me and we have a short but intense convo haha. can someone tell me wtf she did last night?! and why she would be up and back at home at 530?!

That girl:hey what r u doing up so late? / early
5:02am
Thomas:heyy pulling a all nighter :P:P
i need to fix my sleeping schedule
5:02am
That girl: lol
5:02am
Thomas:so im going to start fresh tomorrow.
5:02am
That girl:lol
5:02am
Thomas:why are YOU up?
5:02am
That girl:that is the most backward thinking
5:02am
Thomas: haha
5:02am
That girl:lol
very long night
5:03am
Thomas:hey it workss
oh?
5:03am
That girl:lol
5:03am
Thomas:i dont know how to take that
lolol sounds bad
5:03am
That girl:lol, not bad just very freshman
full of interesting choices
lol
but how do u keep yourself up?
id go nutts
5:04am
Thomas:haha very well
welll
im twenty mins away from finishing avatar...again
and my sleeping schedule is already so fucked up from all the papers i had to do..
all i need are 10 push ups everyy 20 mins
haha
5:04am
That girl:lol
that sounds like an army schedule
and what papers ?
i ahvent had any since 1st semester
lol
5:05am
Thomas:haha wow
youre not liberal arts, id take it
5:05am
That girl:lol, im poli sci
5:05am
Thomas:psych has papers though
5:05am
That girl:so yes
aaaahh
true
but fun papers!
5:05am
Thomas:haha
yeah..liberal blows. research papers persuasive. you name it
but yeah...i see your holding yourself quite well.
for a all nighter- rookie
:P:P
5:06am
That girl:lol
im not an all nighter at all lol
going to bed in a few, up at 10\
then study all day long tomorrow
lol
5:07am
Thomas:damn
i do all my work now
5:07am
That girl:who said college wasnt glamorous?
5:07am
Thomas:pool later
hahaha
5:07am
That girl:lol
now i get how u have so much time for pool
lol
5:07am
Thomas:
hahha
5:07am
That girl:lol
5:07am
Thomas::P:P
5:07am
That girl:lol
oh snap a smiley!
5:08am
Thomas:and yes glamous it is
dude. i spam smileys haha
5:08am
That girl:lol
5:08am
Thomas:XD
XP
5:08am
That girl:its a good thing
5:08am
Thomas:>.<
^_^/)
5:08am
That girl:its like skyping with a smiley
5:08am
Thomas:/).(\...(\o.o/) Peekaboo!
haha
5:09am
That girl:lol
youve got some good ones lol
5:09am
Thomas:lol
i try
5:09am
That girl:lol
nothing wrong with that
5:09am
Thomas:haha
5:09am
That girl:lol
alright, ive got to catch some sleep
5:10am
Thomas:haha kk
5:10am
That girl:im sure ill see you around
5:10am
Thomas:good..morning?
5:10am
That girl:ttyl!
lol
5:10am
Thomas:sweet dreams
5:10am
That girl:good mornign to you too
lol
5:10am
Thomas:lol
5:40am
That girl is offline.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WTF HAPPENED?! lol that was all in a matter of like..fuckin 5 mins. ridiculously..sexy..*sighs*

Happy new year AND valentines!

Wow there really is no excuse to not spread the love today..especially for asians. lol. Unfortunately for this valentines i follow it with a less happy story. Many minority guys have heard this before..or is it just me? jeez. i was on campus recently and me and kevin saw a girl and im like..hey "smash, blue shirt 3 oclock" and hes like.."yeah..its too bad shes only into White guys." Damnit. what is with this yellow fever? lol. when i first heard of the yellow fever i lol'd and thought it was a bullshit statistic. Now its like..fml. lol. ehh..*kicks up dirt* i have to step it up. lol. Its always the type of girls i like too. Hot Sophisticated smart but laid back with a cool sense of humor. meh.. idk what to say. its unfortunate. well...im proud to say im done with all my work for this week! i took advantage of this chill 4 day weekend...calmed down friday..saturday chilled...and today i jizzed on everything..so it was a good comfortable ratio for me that works. cause now i can chill again tomorrow. :]. welll i got 65 bucks today if i put that into my bank account i would officially have over 100 bucks in my bank account! yay! well..ttyl. lol i'll try to edit this some more later

TGIF

this friday was a waste of 24 hours of my life. fuck shit it was a terrible day...i want to kinda just flip the table full of shit and walk out right now. idk. First time i've actually felt...so annoyed. People are so annoying. I need to seriously find a brand new network. All the people i know now have to be treated a specific way because they have a image and i understand how they think so i change my personality accordingly. i used to never have a problem with that. noone is perfect. but fuck shit. people are so fake when you try to help or just socialize. perhaps im too open minded. I hope tomorrow is better. i need a drink.

Productive

So. im tempted to start a new blog. I haven't been particularly fond of the fact that im still typing under the title "R0SE5". I mean, i'm not ashamed of it or anything its just in order to show im changing i'd like a new blog. I dont want to start one though because for the first time i might just type for than 14 post in a year. isn't that crazy?....it was so hard for me to let shit out for the past like...three years that i would post no more than 14 post a year. I find it nice how i have no thoughts gnawing at me anymore. The gnawing feeling is rare because i have no burden to carry anymore. There is nothing for me to fix about myself, only improve. I like that. For the past hour ive been sitting on this couch alone..i read a whole newspaper. WTF i never read newspapers lol but it was very compelling. then i caught up on my reading in a class. Now im totally for jumping on that research paper due tomorrow after this post. Im just really excited to post that 14th post. It will show that i seriously did something different with my life. I want to make my past public to people. Show people what love is like a novel. haha. Cause it all does seem pretty absurd to me now. I've already sent my blog to some of my closest friends. I've yet to give it to kevin yet. I dont know why. meh...should i post the link on my facebook? I'll put myself out there. Its a scary thought. well..Idk. btw i need new contacts. my vision is getting so bad that i couldnt read the newspaper without having it right in front of me. My contact fell out of my eye three times yesterday and the first time it fell out i saw why there is a whole area my contact vision is bad in for my "good eye". The contact is very dry and severely cut at in a large section of the contact. I put it back in my eye anyway. lol. humm what else? Life is good. angela still ahsnt texted back..wtf? lol im going to call her and cuss her out XD. but yeah...i need to take a shit. i drank a monster and the acid is tearing out my insides. lol ttyl

Bandoliers &rebellion

Its the song i like right now.Its from a band called them crooked vultures. Ive decided that im going to one of their concerts because they are the closest thing to metal now and i refuse to die without experiencing a awesome headbanging just..awesome rock concert. lol. Well. Bandoliers is a fancy way of saying a bullet belt. The song is dedicated to those people that stray in your life and you find yourself in a really weird or uncomfortable relationship. of course, it is my favorite song right now. and because it relates to me. me need for a stable growing social network is essential to being who i am. These fucked up relationships im having with groupies and girls are bothering me. One example would be the girls i was refering to in my most previous post. there are others girls like this too. They would be much more friendly about the separation though, but there is still a unspoken awkwardness. I would be fine living withthis life style, hell, probably give it some time and with hope i can give them a second first impression. I thought it would be like that with me and this girl i used to talked to named angela. Old name. I told her "Yeah i like you..probably more than a friend, but i like how we are now more :]" and she responded maturely like, "good, me too, because i wanna just have fun, i am not ready for a serious relationship right now" and we continued talking..but due to her refusal to hang out with me and all we did was text i gave up and stopped talking to her. It was a gilded friendship. So she started poking me on facebook recently and i was like..fml...but i was like..okay. lets see how this goes. after i text her..not instantly..but i waited a couple days each time and poked her back twice in a span of like..two weeks. and the third time..today..i decided to just text her poke. she was cool. we texted back and forth until she stopped texting because i asked her "what are you planning for valentines?" that pissed me off. like..dude grow up im not trying to hit on you geez. shes probably just so used to me trying to ask her to hang out and rejecting me but even back then i knew it want goign to go anywhere. she just kept refusing and making it awkward even though i told her i just wanted to be friends. so now i tried calling her. of course she doesnt pick up. i want to just cuss her out and say dude. seriously..were just friends. sure we kissed once. but i moved way before we even established our friendship. Now stop being so blantly awkward cause thats why i stopped talking to you in the first place. time for a fuckin intervention. all these people that think its awkward to talk to me. im going to slap them and tell them to grow the fuck up. unless their annoyed by me. which doesnt make sense cause everyone ive talked to in college has small talked with me at least once in a one to one quiet atmosphere and saw my calm side more than once. if theyre that stupid to only see a hyper naive guy then thats why im intervening. christ. cant a guy just socialize without all this unspoken awkwardness with whos around? it was funny cause i called angela three times actually. once i went ringing like five times and i hung up cause i said..shes doing a paper..fml. and second time kevin saw my resolve and was like..wtf was that? and so he insist i follow through by calling again by grabing my phone and calling her again..he accidently hangs up when he passes me the phone. i of course..facepalm. so i saw..no fuck this shit..and i call her again and that time i wait until voicemail. no pick up. ehh..if she text me again ever im going to just say it straight. I need to fix the mess i created by going partying and taking advantage of my ability to just drop people out of my mind. it created a lot of bad relationships. So saying i grew out of the party life but ehh..i have a different perspective. I have a party thomas and a outside-of-party thomas :P


On a completely different topic, me and kevinstayed at curry with dave(pool regular) and evan(kevins room mate) and we were talking about nature vs nurture (the paper i havent started due thursday). the discussion evolved to science and the 11th dimension and just...great conversation. very scientifically inspiring. What i want to point out is i notice kevin is starting to read me. because he face palmed a lot throughout the discussion because i said more than several points about nurture and how rebellious people may affect the flow of events. and he realized, as well as i, that i virtually rebel against EVERYTHING. lol. is that a problem?..idk kevin asked me though, "goddamnit thomas why do you love rebelling?" and i respond, "cause this world is a peice of shit" and hes like.."did you start rebelling before you found out that the world was a peice of shit..or after?" and i hesitated. because im like..thats a good question..i was always a rebel. i rebel against everything because it gives me more effective answers looking at the other side. idk. is that an excuse? He had a point though...i rebel about everything. Even though ive changed so much..its deep in me and makes who i am. im a rebel. meh..just a thought that will stay in the air. I dont plain for it to go anywhere.

GET OUT

OKAY...*slaps self* i do not admit that my past was not so bad! fuck my life. I dont remember what i went through but its killing me. Im stressing out because im not worried about whether or not i should have done what i did. my mental problems, were they exaggerated? hard to say. WHY AM I REGRETTING?! oh thats right...i can regret again. fml. girls. why do i need girls?! why does this thought bother me?! The thought is: Im a good guy, why dont any girls like me!?. Its bullshit. its whatever. This post is to get it out of my system. I think i started thinking about intimacy again due to psych. from the ages of 19-25 human beings are reaching their physical primes. that means everything is most sharp, especially if youre a athlete. This is a problem..if i cannot woe a girl during my prime. i dont know whats wrong..im not as obnoxious anymore. i clearly have a open mind. i come off as intellegent (as my good female girls have testified) and i believe i have proficient appearance. I have my own mind. Idk im just a very general guy. I'd say i had the mind set of a man in his early twenties. Open-minded, funny, can hold a proper conversation. it should not be this hard to find a girl. seriously. If i want to get reallly deep into it (which i have) i would think about things like..probably its the way i look around. I notice i tend to instinctively look up if im focused and i feel someone is looking at me. so its this awkward thing that happens alot. or we can get more technical. Is it the fact that i stink? do i stink?... perhaps the girls notice that i have poor grammar as they continue to talk to me. This might reflect my intelligence and end in a negative conclusion. If anything it would probably be because im too touchy. but hell..i think ive done good lowering that. I used to be a very clingy type and id admit that. shit i liked hugs and girls giggles were a guilty pleasure. but if its scarying them away thats a fuckin problem. as shown by the pharmacy girls, which apparently call me "two feet thomas" behind closed doors...No closer than two feet...like wtf? i wasnt even that clingy to them. she said that "i threw pickup lines at her befoe i even told her my name." pfft. whatever. i stopped talking to them. but WHAT IS WRONG!? can any girl please tell me? Perhaps its my nails? lol cause i bite my nails alot and its impossible to break the habit :P ughh idk. Back of my head now. anywho..New clothes. i got this new jacket from H&M AND I FUCKIN LOVE IT. ridiculous. lol grades can definitely improve. speaking of which i have something due at 9am sooo. chao! more to come!

Music

So, i was bored when i wokd up and i dazed on the subway. Like usual i notice things that happen when alot of people travel in a group. One can notice things that you never would actually notice if you didn't focus on it. like how naturally, in order to "not invade personal space" exactly fifty percent of the people in my cart came in from one door and fifty percent the other. Shows how we are programed so completely. :P anywho. thats not i wanted to blog about. what i wanted to blog about is..have you ever sat on the subway and saw a person and by looking at the way the person looked wondered wtf could be possibily be listening to on his ipod? lol. i saw this really old guy in a surprisingly nice suit listening to an ipod...he had to be at least 70. ahah. probably embracing the modern life, head nodding to rap music. haha idk. Well along with that observation. Today on the train i realized the third and main observation. The reason why i am writing this blog is because i realized i really like neu. I like it because there are endless possibilities. Unlike highschool there are people that actually act like me. think like me, dress like me, and listen to rock music. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO ROCK MUSIC! i love it.haha. i would open my ipod and instead of people going like wtf is that shit?...people are like..yeah turn it up! haha. its great. I feel like i belong.