Self- esteem

I have a confession to make...I'm Pathetic. In the past i've told myself that many times and i had low self esteem . The difference was that whenever a depressing thought came to my head about my lack of ___ i would replace it with anger or expel it from my thoughts. Unfortunately, i cannot do that anymore. Im greeted by the ill emotion of depression and i have to learn how to face it. Ever since i came to Northeastern I've been comparing myself to this one guy. I truly look up to him even though he most likely does not have a clue about it. He's name is Kevin Afable. He's brilliant. Regardless of the topic or subject he has a response and a proper answer. Humble but lacking due to the fact that he is a jack of trades. He could easily admit what is wrong and just fix it. Something i have lacked my whole life. I look up to him though cause i see myself in him. Both us of have brilliant conversations and even though i dont have such a wide range of understanding as him, this could be changed. He got to where is is through bending his life to how he wants and unlike other sucess stories, i see his efforts. Usually M.I.T. people naturally have everything work for them. When alban was capatain for robotics things naturally moved much more moothly even though i feel like i could have taken his place. KUnlike them, Kevin does not quite understand the complete flow of life yet and hasnt caught the beat to have everything work for him, so he puts time and effort into everything. That is something very admirable. Looking up to someone is something completely new to me. I usually, regardless of how admirable the person was, would try to mentally put myself on their level. thats how i looked up to them...i would naturally feel the need to dominate and of course fail. With kevin, i feel obligated to stick backa and actually observe what he does. I feel like a kid. Its strange. Self-esteem comes into play because i feel pressured to learn and grow. Everytime he surpasses me i get very fustrated. Lately for once i actually know how it feels to say..i want to give up..no hope at all. Which is retarded cause even in the most weakest times in the past i always carried hope. Perhaps thats what colin sees in me. The drive. I never had any drive or essence besides the one to just.fucking.live. Iused to be like the people from the cartoons, where as long as i have hope and dont give up i will win. Now its different, when my dignity is in danger i loose all hope and just give in in order to stop the pain of losing or being defeated. This new shift n me puts me in a constant state of readiness to give up. its very annoying. I dont have anger like i used to. Self-esteem...I feel like academics cannot supply me with this and it must come from my lifestyle. i have to prove to myself that my lifestyle and the people im with, the things i say the things i do and decisions i make are right and make me smart and intellegent. I want people to see me as someone that is needed. I want to be a legend. i truly want to be AWESOME. ICH WILL.

Consideration

With much consideration, I've decided to write another blog post. I dont know to say. My life consist of responsibilities and obligations right now that i must consider. College is great. I went to my first college party in september and thats when my life went on a tangent. from there i found a motivation. not a strong one but a steady one.im just dropping thoughts. blah life pretty much consist of pool hw and stress. lots of stress. the gnawing feeling happens every so often. somewhere inbetween this entry and the last i began to smoke. i think its bad. idc. lol i need a haircut, ever since laurie left for australia in august my hair hasnt been cut. i look like a wild bush. ummm...fuck. i feel like crap cause im doing bad in school. and im kicking myself cause its all my fault and im blaming myself from a third person view when actually i have complete control over my problems. im just too lazy to just do my work and make myself less stressed. idk. do i like stress? another train of thought. Pharmacy girls. they're annoying. at first i thought they were going to be my new groupie. ehh they all got tired of me. i got tired of them. lot of people dont really like me in northeastern besides kevin nd some other asian dudes. Am i annoying? eh most likely. I want to say i dont care. but apparently i do cause that kinda adds to the stress... lack of acceptance underneath the self reassurance that im awesome. Image is fading. Mind is weak. I wonder if i'm ever going to be content with living. blah.train of thought. Materialism. Its growing. laptop itouch, i owe close to 100 dollars worth of money to people. kevin kelly don and mike. oh train of thought. i started taking ballroom. like usual im not natural with it. ehhh train of thought. sycellia? its a pretty name. she works in the pool room and we talked couple times. first multiple times was with me starting just hi hows your day oh thats nice pool table please? then she came up to me randomly one day and thanked me cause im very patient and stuff witht he pool table. after that i started talking to her. she helped me find a job there. yay. shes a cool person. just like all the other girls i've sorta clicked with though. shes older than me. meh. i have a fetish for older girls. lol they are more free spirited. digression. I only use one contact now, its been like that for pass couple weeks. my right contact ripped. oh weel one eye is enough. Reminiscing. Richard drew me for his manga. i look really badass. funny thing is something tells me he knows more about the old me than i thought. i guess it just bled from my personality. in the manga i am who i was. always laughing but i weilded a dangerous weapon. adrenline rush. the grimace.It was the side of me that was a killer. I truely fantasized abot running through forest hills with a knife neatly carving. old thomas. fucking humans. I am human now. Digression. Being human is fun. i feel pain. If someone lies to me i feel betrayed. i feel a part of this world. meh. Conclusion. Life is a mess of thoughts right now this was the best way i can portray them. Picture. 18 year old male asian. Confused. Annoyed. New digression after conclusion. Music shows who i am right? never thought i would see the day. i cant listen to metal on a daily basis anymore. The smiths. Phoenix and the whitest boy alive the strokes bloc party yeah... late 90's bands trying to bring back the indie soun but keep a tang of punk. It sounds awesome. Im looking into interpol right now. Stage? isolation. mood. indifferent. craving. love.

June 28th.

Ive been waiting for today for a couple of weeks now. I hope this would be one of the best Entries i ever wrote because this one is suppose to express optimism and a new life. The great thing about this entry is that it speaks in past tense. Exactly one year ago on this date, at 7am. I was at the Airport waiting for a coach bus to get me to Northfield Mount Hermon. I would never forget my group of friends i met there. Alex, Luis, ngoc, liz, Lucky, Fiko, Kubra, Seda, Mayra, heather, mary, everyone else in lower north crosley dorm, and of course Selin. Alex and Luis were my right hand men, they were my best friends i never had and if they were in Boston we would wreck the place together and everyday would be as awesome as it was in NMH. NMH was relaxed so it was a great balance between academics and relaxation, there was a lot of work, but there was always enough time for over-achievement if wanted. This way, unlike here, no one could ever notice i had a 2.0 GPA, they all expected me to be at least a 3.7 like everyone else. I constantly over-achieved there because i felt obligated to and it was great. I remember we had the weekend off and just hung out, but after the third day we started classes and by the second day of class i knew me and Selin were going to get very close. Since the whole place was so laid back, old thomas was. nonexistent. Old Thomas wouldn't be able to maintain himself in such a pleasant world. At least that's what I thought, but that started much later. Selin caught my eyes the second day of class because of her demeanor and she stood out exceptionally because of a poem she presented to the class. I could have wished for nothing more during the program when that class ended. It was great to feel human without any guilt because Old thomas had no anger to thrive on whatsoever in that place. Every day it was, wake up at 7 images of self until 9. Chill for an hour and a half, guitar, tennis, 30 min break, then lunch and chill time until 6 because that was dinner. I think..idk. but after that was study hall shortly after. i believe from 7-10 or something like that was study hall. Then after that was chill time until 11:30 then lights out. Me and selin constantly took walks everyday after 11. It was a beautiful walk every time, even though sometimes we would have nothing to talk about because we got to know everything about each other up to present day by the time the program was over. The stars were always populating the sky like something you see on NASA. On weekends we had no classes, and Wednesdays classes were shorter and we were done with classes by noon. I remember working out with Luis and alex almost everyday starting the second week. IT was a very nice gym. they didnt have many machines but unlike the Y here, they were all very handy and targeted all the useful muscles. Someone really experienced in working out probably set up the gym so that one would feel as if they have not done a full workout unless they used the entire gym. I did that once on a weekend, working out for 6 hours at days where Old thomas found a peephole. On weekend mornings ill wake up and look into Selin's window and say hello, sometimes she was awake, but her roommate was usually always awake when Selin is still asleep and we became very fond of each other, because she understood how much i liked selin. But if it was too early and the blinds are still down, (she slept on the first floor and since i couldn't go into the girl's dorm i had to look through the window Creepy? probably. By the time the third week went by though, it was almost norm cause everyone knew me and selin had something going on and we conversant through the window many times.) I would go far into the campus where my class was, it was very empty there and whenever i was a field it was never smaller than half a football field. Well there was a field near my first classes and i noticed there was a nice little hill there, just enough elevation to not have the sun in my eyes and on mornings when i woke up at 7 on instinct, id lay there for hours. looking at the clouds. It was a beautiful view because the whole campus was on a big hill so the clouds felt really close. Every morning we would walk to breakfast in a fog that left us incapable of seeing 10 ft ahead of us. But at that hill, where i rested, i became truly content with myself. I've fulfilled a life goal by laying on that ill, and i miss still miss it dearly. Trouble didn't start to arise and conflict didn't begin to pick at the close bond between me and selin until late in the third week. Everyone knew me and selin were probably one of the few real relationships(if that made sense, since it was a one month program) but one of the loyalest of relationships in the program (there were plenty). One guy, I've never spoke his name to anyone since the program, not even Selin. because on the third week, probably earlier than that he began to seriously try to court Selin, and tear me and her apart. That is when Old Thomas came out. Clashing with the weak human Thomas there it formed depression, something i havent felt in such a loong time, jealousy, anger, and confusion. Throughout the program, selin refused to actually hold my hand or show common signs of affection around others because she didnt want to get too attatched. She said she wanted to just stay friends. There were several serious conversations that involved us staying friends because getting close would do us no good. It became complicated when i saw this other guy step into the picture and oh the mistakes i've made. We were friends before that situation and i remember walking into his room once after me and selin had another "friend talk" he said 'you know, do you still like Selin? because i want t have her if you dont" and yeah..drove me nuts but i said...no go ahead. and ever since then i ignored him. And i feel bad because after that day. Selin saw that i was getting jealous and i didnt know how to hold myself back and idk why i didn't just talk to the guy, i couldn't get myself to. I wanted to apologize to him. Apparently Selin rejected him because one day when me and selin were taking a walk..the beginning of 4th week....we sat down, and she began to apologize and stuff. I felt really bad because he was actually smarter and just as cool as me, i shouldn't have made her be the one to decide. but she started to cry and then we suddenly started to make out. and she cried some more. and i didn't know what to do cause by that time the tension was soo apparent by him i couldn't look into his eyes and Selin was clearly purposely sitting with me. I wanted her to be free and meet whoever she please since it was her only month in America. I felt really bad. I want to apologize to Ronald. After that, Ronald continued trying, but less obviously and i tried to ignore them when they talked. But since that day we sat at the steps of the place farther than the hill i laid at. we grew closer and yeah. Up to the last day, me and ronald had an unspoken feud. It drove me nuts. in between though there were great moments that made everything right again. Those days when me and alex and luis biked the entire day because it was a weekend and almost everyone on the campus were on a trip to new york, people left their bikes so we stole them and rode the entire day away. We actually managed to ride outside of the campus, but it became a highway so we didnt go any further. Then there was a priod of time when we were at the "Exit" which was a highway and one of the people that joined me and alex biking yelled CAR and we started to BOLT on bikes. one guy fell and we left him because we were so terrified that it was admin. The car followed us the entire way and my legs were so exhausted going up and down those hills, through grass. the van followed us everywhere. Me alex and luis sped into a alleyway and hoped they didnt see us, it was probably the only alleyway on campus since the campus was so spread out. The van past and we continued on our way biking. lol. We found the other guys and the one that we left behind they said it was a bunch of just random people that lived in the area and that they were laughing at us. haha. it was a great thrilling experience though. BIKE OR DIE XD. Another great experience was the day when me and luis played ping pong all day. We were both noobs that helped each other get better and since we were on each others level we made sure to play each other as much as possible. I ended up surpassing him :P beating my first and only other person in a official match by One point. It felt great. Everyone became so pro at ping pong in a matter of a month it was the game of the campus. Another fun day was that day there ws a lightning storm, i wanted to work out but they wouldnt let anyone out of campus. Since the landscape was so high, it became a really hazard to walk out with a lightning storm. Instead Everyone in our dorm, girls guys lower north and higher north crowsley EVERYONE thats like..8 floors of people. lol 2 covered lower north (the one i was in) and 2 covered upper north (the 3rd and 4th floor) and the same for girls....except the girls dorm was called South crowsley.girls and guys were separated. the Whole dorm with everyone combined is called the Crowsley dorm. Any who everyone was down in the lobby (the only place in the dorm where its okay for guys and girls to mingle if its not class time or study hall) and we all watched American pie.beta house. LOL it was a disgusting movie LOL. Yep, it was a great month. it felt like i knew the people for years. The girl i mentioned, ngoc, she was like..best friends with Liz and they just met but they were like..bffls. It was soo apparent that Ngoc(everyone called her tron during the trip because she said call me TRON like Elec-tron), turns out her name is TRAN lol not TRON..i found this out after i got home and found her facebook and i mentioned it to her and she was like i said Tran!! XD) Shes a ditz and a great great person, totally compatible and she had a huge crush on me. She was super like..innocent and when i was around it was so obvious >.>. I ignored it though cause Selin was all i needed. I pretended as if i was completely blind and she respected my blind-ness because if i was to put myself in her shoes, id say she was probably thinking that me and selin looked so adorable togehter she wouldnt want to ruin it. lol cause she is SO like that. I do miss her innocent personality. i would like her here in boston cause she is smarter cuter and better than ALOT of asian girls here. but at nmh she was considered mediocre. All the girls and guys were totally cool and since it was such a small community there would be times i would have a serious conversation with someone i knew nothing about except their name. It was great atmosphere. I met many people by doing that. I thought i had to add her into this entry though, because she was in my first class and we became really great friends she threw TONS of green lights at me and like..you can tell she watched one too many disney movies XD it was all too adorable. lol. There were guys like jackson. He actually matches his name. Hes a year younger than me, like most people here and hes black and short and the most JACKED dude ive ever seen. like hes at the gym and hes half my size but once he gets warmed up his muscles expand and he looks HUGE like..dude youre half my size but right now i get this feeling youre taller than me because like..yeah..he was THAT jacked. lol. but he was completely harmless and he picked up all the European girls cause he was black. LOL. he had a size pack like none ive ever seen, it was seriously..disgusting. lol. but yeah..Alex is coming to boston next friday!! i dont want to miss this for the world. lol Hes coming to boston because one of his friends is going to a harvard orientation and hes hoping to be able to dorm with them or something? XDD. but yeah. Tribute to nmh! omg..and i forgot about Qui and Jay. lol they were like..the twins of the place even though they weren't brothers they were really close friends that met there and ironically both of them had names that were a part of the alphabet lol. they were the dudes that stuck together through and through. The guys yu needed when you needed a funny pair. XD i miss them too. Well, i can write forever about NMH cause it was a AWESOME month. but yeah. Sorry Ronald. and Alex, Luis and Selin. you guys are far beyond badass. OMG and i forgot about Grant! he was a floor below me on dorm and he hung out with Jackson a lot. its funny cause they are COMPLETELY different Grant is like..kinda to himself suburban like tall skinny and white. and grant is super short jacked as hell and black. By the second week they earned the nickname Hootsie cup when they were together (the icecream cup you got with the blend of chocolate and vanilla) and when they were separate id call them chocolate and vanilla xD

Seasons.

The feeling of a thousand sick mortals made into me. So much wisdom, but oh do they die slow!
I wrote this quote perhaps, 4 years ago. Each human suffering from their own unique sickness, and each of them learning unique things due to their struggles. I am one man that has survived through multiple sicknesses, that i remember almost too vividly now due to the dreams I've been having. I've been wanting to write a entry in reflecting these past 2 days i did not sleep....I want to but i cannot. I do realize that ive almost wrote more entries on my blog these past two months than i ever had in one year for the past 3 years. I've become much more open with myself, less need to scream it out to people, and more free will enjoyment. When i feel like this..the need to scream it to the world, i hate it. I choke up. Im glad that the new thomas had a chance to type as much as he wanted without feeling any moral restraint, that he was able to live and feel like a guy in a straight path. Hopefully this is just a phase. Hopefully this isnt to stay. I did miss the old days, but never when i was experience it did i want it. Im beating around the bush cause i dont want to type. but i want to at the same time. fml. I've been looking into bushido, like i did in the old days. Its funny how i live by the way of bushido, in a sense, without having any knowledge of kendo. I understand their respect for the sword though, and i feel it through and through. Even the strongest of hearts, must put their trust into something beside themselves. Therefore they put it unto their swords and their family. I always thought i was a Samurai in my past life, Perhaps i died with the wakizashi in my gut. speaking of japanese culture, i found the translations for that song i have on my page. I cant find another translation that matches it close enough though so i will not post it for memories caue im not sure how precise it is. Ima just post this shit.

P.s.

So...in about 30 mins..im going to go work with my parents on a nightshift...and might get home around noon tomorrow. I just want to say, i've respected them with my life. And treated them like the closest friends. But i honestly hate their guts and even though i respect them i cannot love them for they never did do any parenting. They have no idea phi even exist. All they see is this little boy that never changed and ive tried to live happily in this household, accepting my role as the POS my dad and mom keeps reminding me i am. It okay. I just..this is a great turn of events cause the old thomas would have never helped them, cause they havent really earned my physical help as a person. Sure they've earned my loyalty and ears when they have something to say. But old thomas would have never allowed them to put me to such work, cause the job they work at, isnt going to teach me shit. Im going to be up for the next 12 hours + straight scrubbing off layers of grease off restaurant kitchens. If i do this work, this is telling them this is what i do and im fit for this job. That is basically completely kneeling to their shit that theyve thrown at me. I, as a new thomas. Will say to my blog and fellow readers. Idk. Idk why im such a douchebag and just willnot accept the task of helping my parents when they are hurt. Its probably because the only discipline i remembe them giving me is when i cried and yelled at my dad "IM ALLERGIC TO APPLES STOP MAKING ME EAT THEM" and he'll be like "shut the fuck up" and try to stick it in my mouth cause he just believed that i made myself allerigc and if i ate enough the allergies would go away. I hate my dad, and my mom. id never forgive them for the false discipline and not being the parents i can go to when i needed guidance. all my growth was due to self and rebeling against them. Im a fucking shitbox. But, idk. tonight im going to help them. Because maybe..just MAybe hopefully once i hop in that car and tell them, "i understand your burdens, you dont need to put me in situations like this to discipline me anymore cause quite frankly, you missed more than 8 years of my life and you dont even know it" They would listen. Thats just a miracle though. Most likely they would take that opprotinuty to yell at me though, and say "you see this is what we have to go through for you". I never said i didn't understand that..i respect you guys for that, mom and dad. Its just that You are like friends to me and your doing your purpose in life as i do mine, You had your chance to lend me a helping hand 10-15 years ago. Now im a rebel and i love it. So. im going to help them..idk why this is such a big deal and idk why im doing it. But probably because i feel bad for them because they will die before me and i want to show them im the son they wanted me to be, even though they dont see it. I had a vision i would change this family. And i will do it. Theres enough anger in this house to drive someone mad. Id hate for this to be inherited by the future generations.

The Ocean

I need some more music in my life. This song, by Led Zep, is about the band singing to their Ocean of fans. Millions of people. Its a really just laid back cool song...

..Just Listen.

Time flies when you're having fun

It's true, time flies when you're having fun. Its almost 4 am but no sunrise nor birds chirping. Cars are starting to run outside though. Insomnia hasnt recoiled yet.I just finished the movie 7 pounds, feturing one of(if not then IS) my favorite actors, Will smith. He portrayed his emotions VERY nicely through the entire movie. It confused me until the end why he actded like so though but in the end it made sense. I wont spoil it for anyone, just watch it. And for future thomas, if i write a blog about a movie, that means its good, so watch it again! XD. since i havent blogged in a while and feel quite guilty, lets jump back a bit. Sign out day, June 10. I got so many pictures with people it was awesome. after i signed out i believe i...i dont remember. lol its late and im in old thomas phase. He's dying. lol not much anger left in present time nor is there many memories left. Just alott of patience and a heavy feeling. The feeling of burden that i would get until the end of time. lol I got used to it though i guess. Everything i need is with morning thomas, pretty much..drifting thoughts right now will be absorbed in the morning. Anywho, moving onto june 12th. Graduation day. It was awesome i went to pick up the suit i didnt end up wearing and got to the BU track feild and tennis center at exactly 7 when i was suppose to be there at 6. They started to walk about 5 mins after i got there. graduation was great i felt estatic and im glad my family made it and all my friends did as well. To be honest, 3-5 years ago i didnt expect to graduate from highschool, cause the mental breakdowns woulda put me ina mental asylum or dead. but im glad i made it in one peice and heading to a fairly prestigious college. I dont know how i did it put i came out of another one with a miracle. well, after grad i hung out with Don, moses, raymond and this new girl i met named hang. Shes very friendly and compatible we talked alot and laughed alot during the bls grad, which was june...8? lol. yes june 8, the same day as my anti prom. we ate at unos and i decided to sleep over dons cause we were done around late 11pm and still very much in BU area. I decided not to pursue my future with jannie. Yes, i wrote it. lol. this thought came about when my sister told me to choose, cause 1) i was going in circles and stressing over overly-human issues and 2) old thomas would have definitely eliminated this problem and actually, prevented it from occuring a longg time ago. this problem being the problem of deciding what i should do when affection is invited to the field. Nono. lol. June 13? i believe i was out again cause i promised monica to hang out with her and celebrate hermans bday with her. they kept taking turns giving me wet willies as i was the third wheel -_- so immaturely disgusting. june 14 i went to a grad party to celebrate kevins graduation. i didnt get home until midnight and brought lauren home with me (literally not metaphorically) lol. she couldnt get home in time and she stayed over until about 6 pm so it was a good 24 hours with her. I went out to eat with fam too cause they didnt get a chane to celebrate my graduation on the day of my graduation. Now it is june 15 and it is banquet day! yayy. im on a boat andd..ill update my blog andd..okay ill stop. lol. sigh* thoughts and ranting section...GO!
my opportunity passed. lol and it was as i predicted: a success. i was neither human nor..w/e lol. Very mutual. idk how i did it..probably it was because of that contract i signed the first time we met. ehh..still not going to type what the opportunity is cause well, thats the joy of bad memory ill look back at this in the future and if i needed to remember it i will, if not good ridance. lol. my insomnia is so weird, i sleep so little and yet im getting by very well. I understand why though. I told you that i knew how to meditate with old thomas but not new thomas right? well, even though i dont know how to meditate a) me at night is TECHNICALLY the closest ill get to the mindset and aura i had back when i could meditate and b) since the old thomas has become soo.empty and new thomas helped clean up the bumps. its very easy to meditate now. so who knows, im probably mildy meditating right now. I dont knoww cause i cant control nor understand it since it IS different. but it would explain why i dont need to sleep. lol. and since im so used to the heavy meditating, the type that could actually drian my energy, such a weak meditation would simply itch the bite lol. im tired though...sooo ttyl! ive estimated my human to hit climax in about a little more than 3/4 a year. :] im excited to see if my estimate is right.

Opportunity.

For a while now, I've been witnessing some serious distress because my friend, Colin, is helping me question my beliefs. My beliefs on who i am, and who i was that i dont quite remember. Ever since R0SE5 it was clear that i cannot and will not continue the same dangerous lifestyle because it was a huge sacrifice of self that probably wasnt worth it. Well, through growth ive learned to combine both thomas's just enough so that they can live separate and in harmony. New thomas during the day, and Old thomas at night when necessary. Well, since ive changed so much, and actually feel that the Old thomas does too much thinking. The only way to feel affection again is to remove the Old thomas but that will take wayyy too much and i quite frankly, dont want to do it. So i guess i will live happy with prostitutes and hoes. lol. But even though i cannot fully express affection through fear of the irregular clash between old thomas and new thomas. I can still flirt and get aquianted with girls very well. The only problem is that like, when it goes pass base 1 its like. NO XD. cant do it. lol. idk. well. This kinda brings me to the opportunity i have and CRAP now my friend saw my blog name ABORT ABORT lol

Edit: lol well funny thing is that i wasnt at home, and i tried the unthinkable, which was to type on my blog while out biking with moses and moses was like...Ooh blog im not going to read it let me just see...okay ROSES got it. and im like..what?1 CRAP lol. well luckily on google it ONLY shows up if the 0 is a zero not a "OH" lol. so R0SE5 is letter number letter letter number..hopefully he only saw the last number lol. Well, i didnt want to minimize it whenever we talked cause that is one of my biggest petpev that some people do. its like..wtf is up with your life that it must be SOO secretive lol. like sometimes a friend would be like..texting next to me or something and ill be like wassup? and they like..look at me and turn their phone at a irregular angle and give me that "WTF nosy." look lol and it makes me feel like the bad guy! gosh. lol. So thats why i didnt minimize it whenever moses went by, even though if he read a single entry it woulda been a completely mindfuck for him. He has known me for 7 years and doesnt know me at all. lol. I like my bls friends because of that. They can get personal and stuff but unless its not asked for or its not about someone else in the group that might start group conflict its fine. lol. Well to follow up on the last edit. OPPORTUNITY lol. I "got high" about 2 days ago...for the first time and got the hang out of it. It was me and Pam at maverick and we "apple bowled" lol aka we used a apple to smoke instead of a blunt..or a pipe...well yeah interesting thing. She was pretty high off her ass but i was just kinda ehh. I couldnt remember a sentence for shit, but i was still very intact...and i had several very big hits. idk. I want to say that im kinda immune to it because i knew how to mediate....idk, i kno i know i must relate everything i do back to some weird part of my philosophy. lol but its true. high gives kinda the same effect as meditating accept in a different fashion. The difference is that you feel good but you dont have any control. lol. For meditating is 1) its MUCH stronger XD and 2) you get to control your thoughts. so its better muhc better in every aspect. lol. The hilucinations people rumor getting when they are high are thoughts that they formulated and solidified o.O...like. if i wanted to hear a dog bark when im meditating. i think about how a dog barks and it would form and itd be such a fuckin good lie to my head that when i think it its literally as if i hear it and its coming from behind me. or w/e. lol. stuff like that. you can screw with your head when your meditating and control it. I got over the fear of ghost that way lol. i "saw a real ghost" scare the shit out of me...but hey it sorta worked. lol. thats how i got over the fear of heights too..sorta..lol..and spiders..sorta..lol. this was all very solid when i was old thomas but now new thomas has more emotions and instincts of a human being. so ehh..the strength wore off. lol. but so what? now i cant COMPLETELY jump off a bridge without fear but ehh im closer than many other people. lol ENOUGH DIGRESSION. lol. where was i?..right. getting high. For me it was overrated. if pam got high before me thats ridiculous and i showed the symptoms like more daydreaming, droopy eyed, tingling feeling, uhh..memory loss. but dude, i covered all these feelings in like..the pass 5 entries xD lol so idk. See! its good to experience shit and now i know not to waste money of weed. lol. just meditate and FUCK YOURSELF UP XD. lol. That isnt the opportunity i speak of though, cause well..thats not an opportunity since opportunity is future tense. Now i shal speak in future tense! in the future, i quote myself, "something will happen." lol. I will not write it on blog YET!...because like i said in pass entries whatever you say think smell taste hear touch becomes real or fake..once you annouce it. Its true, once you announce something such as "this shit stinks" you, in the future will always remember (this smell=stinks) lol get it? so i refuse to officalize the opportunity. Unlike humans i am still able to THINK unbias-ly. so as long as i dont write it down or something im fine. lol. Okay another opportunity. Is for me to see how much i can, figuratively speaking, rev my engine before it like..combust. lol. You see i have a Very high tolerance for anger but never have i ever actually physically expressed it because well, quite frankly i have a very good system that works like that little hole in your sink. If the water begins to overflow and touch the top of that sink bowl its okay cause theres that hole thats forever not clogged and lets the water escape. And so i never overflow..with anger. Its impossible for me, and that sink to overflow. unless you clog that second hole. Get me?! lol. well opportunity has come about and i want to see how i am at 110%. this will be fun cause naturally im already 95% ready for death lol. who know when im angry itll be like me just stabbing a knife through my own chest lol. itll be fun though. i've been working out too so i want to see how much physically strength i have with my mental strength combined. I want to fight someone...and i know exactly who. Quite frankly...im ready to kick his ass..literally with my hands tied behind my back. Because i dont care about pain nor winning or loosing. its the thrill. and if i tie my hands behind my back and let him punch me i wonder what will happen after i get up from hat blow. lol cause then you have Physical, turning on mental...then followed with mental pain killers comes the offensive which is my adrenline rush then BOOM rocket launcher. lol. itll actually be best if my hands are tied. lol. the old thomas will have his day at last.

Reflection, Meditation, and Explosion.

*scroll down and click play before you start reading, this entry is all about that song and i timed it so by the time you finish reading, the song will be almost over :] this will give you the entirety of the entry* Lol, this song i dont know what its about, but i remember it helped me meditate back in the day. It is in japanese and i have no idea what its saying but idk, any song that directly helped me meditate i the past has this feel connected to it that never fades since it pretty much holds ME. When one meditates they understand themselves completely and if skilled enough, can do almost anything to themselves and their mind with enough willpower in this meditation stage. Tinkering with mental instincts, thus changing personality traits and possibly purposely hurting yourself. Since thoughts of such a deep caliber can only be touched in the meditating stage once you stop meditating its stuck there until the next time you meditate, and by then it would have mixed and caused change in other aspects of your personality in order to find its place. Its a powerful process and to have a song playing through this process means it captures the essence of it all and fossilizes it. :P So well, i haven't listened to this song in so long and i decided id listen to it cause it popped into my head during prom night. Well im listening to it now and yeah..powerful stuff. A lot of anger and unsettling feelings. It made me remember the Extremes of my personality. How everyday in the past id feel as if i wanted to rip out my hair and smash my head on some table because there were so many thoughts in my head. By the time i learned to mediate it was like ripping superglue off skin cause everything was such a organized mess. Lol. You might have heard me complain about this hundreds of times, i mean my thoughts have been all i talk about deeply since fuckin.7 years ago. But every time i forget and remember again its like a kick in the face. Waking up every morning with stress probably equivalent to watching one of your love ones get hit by a train. It kinda sucked. But it was business..a factory. If i meditated too much i would have nothing to grow upon because meditating just puts thoughts to rest and tells them you understand and you can move on kinda thing. I loved my anger but i needed to meditate with complete control to get rid of only the small things that bugged me. Ehh...feeling that massive restraint again made me miss the good old days. When life was my game and i thought all i needed to do was to understand it. So yeah. This song im about to post...allows me to feel how i was back then when i meditated. Extreme polar feelings in one moment. It made me anger sad glad laugh adrenaline rush washes it away and it would repeat he cycle. Its funny how even though i remember the feeling of meditating and completely understanding how to manually just, switch on my own world because of this song. I remember all the emotions involved in order to do it but i cannot meditate anymore. Im a completely different person that would take years of understanding in order to reach that stage again. Probably more than 5 years. I learned how to meditate the first time in like..2-3 years XDD. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I think meditating beats any drug. ehh. well enjoy.


Edit: now that im reading the entry over and listening to the song. I cant quite put my finger on what time period was my meditating was so painful. It would make sense if it fossilized the meditation that occurred around 13-15ish years old cause thats when i meditated the most but im realizing during the meditation there was a happy feeling. I understand that during that time period, i was completely flooded with anger though. i think it was the meditation itself that had the power enough to overwhelm all the angry emotions. Matter of fact it wasn't the meditation that gave me that glad laughing feeling because that pure feling is very recogizable now that i think about it... but there was HOPE. I had alot of hope for change back then....wow....A LOT. Actually, that does make sense. Since it was the same period of time i decided to loose my emotions. Finding out at age 15-16 that met loosing my memories. lol. Man this is like. ridiculous flashback-ing. lol. I had unshakable hope though when i meditated, i think that is why i learned how to meditate so well so quickly. Humm..ill write that down.

PROM! :]

So one of the most memoriable moments(events wise) has past. And for a guy that considered another school's prom as his own, i didnt do bad at all when it came to having/making fun. I went with this girl named Jannie Ko i met around a month ago at my great friend, Don Vu's bbq. Ever since then we've been pretty close and yeah. Grinding and slow dancing. both were fun with her, and several other girls i forgot the names of >.< LOL. I also danced with a girl from my school named Cassandra. lol it was fun. I think out of BLS i found the best group of friends. Kevin afable (hes as crazy and douchebag-like as me lol filipino guy really badass) then there is Don vu idk what to say about him lol hes just there to be a awesome friend and to give us laughs with his OCD like manner. then theres Moses Tran, Don vu moses and I are kinda like a trio together we hung out together the most out of like..the group and besides moses, Don vu was the first other guy i knew from the group. Moses and i knew eachother from like..5th grade steppingstone so it was good times. Then there is Raymond lol the robot. He talks but he just chooses not to cause hes not the energetic type and doesnt really know how to just pull out a stupid funny conversation. He isnt the awkward quiet type though, which makes him really cool lol. Im not sure if i should include Joey. lol joey is really cool i met him this year too i consider him a part of the group but hes more of the independent one that comes and goes as he pleases but he is a great company :]. The girls. Humm. its mostly guys in the group and girls are like..more than welcome to hang with us. but there isnt 1 solid girl yet. not with the group im thinking of at least. Closest would probably be Jannie, just because she is so awesome :] lol. There is Rachel Banci! lol. She is probably one of THE coolest girls ive ever met. Like...mike(my friend from steppingstone) has it reallly good since hes with her. lol. im glad shes in boston cause it shows there are great girls in boston if you look. really hard. lol. Thats pretty much my immediate group of friends from BLS that i hang with :]. Moses, don, kevin, raymond, mike jannie and Rachel. There always has to be that couple lol. idk. But it works out very nicely. I can consider Theresa and Chris too :] they are like, Homar and Maria type couple like, wow they are destined to get married. lol. They are trying to hook me up with Jannie cause Theresa is best friends with Jannie. Well. yeah. what else?
GUITAR! :D HI HUYY if youre reading this i hope you are ready :] dont blame your friend, Vu, for helping me out cause its not his business, he told me hes cool with you. i think he made the best of the situation by making as many people happy as possible :]. o btw. i must tell blog what happen. So right i stalked huy, yes..stalked, on google maps and took clues everyone gave me to try to piece together where huy lives to get back my guitar. well i had his house in like..roughly 1 block estimate from JFK all i needed was the Exact house and since ive been so diligently working my efforts paid off :]. Throughout this Entire process, Its not because your friends helped me huy, just to let you know. It's because they saw i had 10x more BALLS than you and took a stand and had resolve for the situation. I had control and well thought out plans too. All you had to do was talk to me. Well if you didnt know i left a latepass in your mailbox with my name on it to flag your house and to show you i was there :] felt great. Ill go back in a matter of time Huy, in a matter of time :]

P.S. I almost kissed jannie at prom :O it wasnt the right moment though, and something held me back. It was funny cause Theresa saw it like. Im thinking, "WTF through the crowd? really? she must have been stalking me lol." After the moment, she snatched her from me and left me with the guy she was dancing with o.O and it was a slow dance...and she was whispering in her ear. and After a bit when the slowsong was still playing she snatched me back and gave her dance to jannie so then i was talking to theresa and she told me she saw and ehh. I said i was just singing in her ear. (which i was) lol oddly, i knew ALOT of hiphop song lyrics. the DJ was great lol. I dont think i would have wanted it to happen. I dont want it to happen. lol. Oh curse my life! XD...wait i take that last statement back its cursed enough already. lol Meh. It made me think that im realllyyyyyy not ready yet for anything human and maybe, me and jannie just arent fit. I like how our relationship exploded though :] we got very close very fast :] but ehh.
i think all THIS *points at this last paragraph* is happening probably, a year too early. lol. Its inevitable that i turn human. I know it. I can already type the word love. It makes me twitch when i use it in the symbolic sense still, but i say it for fun as if its like another word. Im a disgrace to the struggles of my past self. OH WELLS :x lol. Yeah, Im estimating one year and everything will be in the past. *sigh* lol.

theres so much to say in this entry. ughh but i really dont feel like typing it all time to summarize and make my grammar even worse. lol
Should i go to OB prom? i mean. i dumped all my money into bls prom thinking THIS IS MY PROMM so now i realized i had so much fun with my hand full of bls friends im wondering if OB prom would be even better. lol idk, i had ALOT of fun meeting new people and stuff.it felt great knowing the night had such potential. Ob prom might be worse because im not half as close to any OB people as i can be with BLS people. BLS people have much less drama. And umm. i would know everyone on the dancefloor and it would be awkward grinding with like..people i was friends with. lol. pass.

R0SE5

lol, no my blog title isnt suppose to show that im cool cause i can type roses in a combination of letters and numbers. Its a Date i should never forget. Roses= 120305 lol i just changed the last zero isnt a E :P. Yes, prehaps i do have too much time on my hands to be changing dates into words as if im cool. But i might just get it tattooed right under the FMA crest im getting. It would make the tattoo Very powerful to me, since this date was the date i lost my memory! :] fun fun fun. yep in three days time i felt as if my memories were just..melting out of me. People that read my previous entries know a decent amount about this. I just thought that id recap since I dont like to look at the word "Pathetic" anymore. It means ive changed A LOT :]. well, yesterday my sister and i had a serious conversation about my family. About how my dad is a fuckin egotistic SOB..pretty much a jock, my mom is probably twice as stubborn as he and holds grudges for legit..20 years. my oldest sister, though 25 years of age, is apparently IMmaturing. Shes going through a extremely rebellious stage and its hurting the entire family since my parents count on her to get the house work done. My other sister, 21 years of age feels as if me and her are the only ones in this family that made it out decently, and i didnt even quite get it straight. So with the flow of mature to immature in our family, Most mature we decided was Our dad, just cause even though heis a total douchebag and stuff he became a douchebag because of the suffer he has gone through due to my mom, i dont quite agree but i see that he is mature and knowledgable. My dad has been literally picking on me. Im 18 years old now pretty much so im quite used to it, but he puts it on full throttle by yelling at me for the most SIMPLEEE things. Things that should even matter. like i wake up to screamin in the morning cause "its driving him fucking nuts that i put on my clothes before i brush my teeth". Eh. i dont see much maturity in that. But next on the flowchart is my 21 year old sister and me. We feel as if we've went through serious growth and became someone new. My sister, if i knew how to cry, i woulda cried last night lol cause it was sad how she was telling me "Thomas you had it worse in our family discipline wise and i saw them destroying you emotionally and i couldnt do anything, and by the time i felt like i could it was too late cause the damage was done." Ive become a rebel. To Everything. lol. And its true, im a rebel at heart, and prehaps it was cause of the family cause i got beat the most and my dad has been playing favorites his whole life. But i dont blame them. I just told my sister, i know this maturity flowchart exist in our family but i still treat everyone equally. My parents are friends my siblings are friends and if theyre wrong i say something because there is no "older person gets to discipline younger" bullshit. Anywho. Onto my 21 year old sister. She had it best cause my dad loved her and she was the one able to talk her way out of everything. My dad treated her completely opposite compared to me and she looks t dad as a very close mentor and a true DAD because he TALKS to her. Thats very fustrating to me cause he would rather make this whole house tremble with his yelling to prove his inexistant point to me, before talking...ehh. I gotten used to it. My sister hates my mom and loves my dad. I pity my mom, and i hate my dad. (and it really is to such extremes). Never the less though, i learn to respect both my parents. My 21 yr old sister though is like..im sorry its just impossible for me to respect mom, because respect is due to those that earn it. So moving along next on the list..its kinda tied with my oldest sister and my mom. Thats pretty sad since my sister is 25 years old and considered just as imature as a extremely fobby asian housewife. For my mom, my 21 sister and I said, "because of my pity and my ridiculous amount of patience for this woman. I may be the only one able to change her character at this point, cause everyone else in the family gave up on her and she has no clue why." I feel bad for her. For her ignorance. My sister feels as if 70% of her personality was learned from dad and 30% herself and like..0% from mom and if anything a negative percentage since mom tried to teach her the old fobby culture like..stay sheltered always and never get friends cause they will lie to you so dont become social and never trust anyone blah blah blah. My sister thinks all that bullshit culture is..bullshit and if she was brought up with two mom's like ours shed have so much angr built up inside she'd punch everything in sight. I agree, my mom just feels comfortable in her hole of ill intent and worry. Next is my oldest sister. She was brought up decent, though with tons more responsibility and since much more than id ever get she came to be a girl with alot of common sense. Ironicly, all that common sense goes to waste cause starting her freshmen year in college, she went out with a highschool "sweetheart" and from there went out with him for like..4 years...4 agonizing years. Due to that her life was thrown in turmoil and she was stuck in this very dependent cycle where she had to have a guy in her life. Idk, it was fustrating. Now she says "i just dont care about them(mom and dad) anymore". It was her advice for my 21 year old sister and my 21 year old sister gave a misunderstood look, cause even though she hates our famiyl and whatnot, you can never not care. But apparently thats what my oldest sister is doing now. She doesnt give a shit about anything and is always out, in order to run away from the reality of home. Ulike me and my 21 year old sister, we learn to project our thoughts and formulate arguements and infact, she was a large reason why im so reasonable (my 21 year old sister) since a huge period of time in my life all the arguements, either simple or big would be like "the minute you yelled, you lost and theres not but to it" so i lost arguements all the time and being a very angry child back then that threw me in a fury, but in the end fighting it taught me how to argue without yelling and with words. I appareciate that laurie. Anyways. Back to my oldest sister, yeah she never learned that so she cant talk to me normally so she legit WHINES like. YOURE 25 YEARS OLD WHY ARE YOU WHINING?! STOPN WHININGGG and she very contradictory too so i can never see hr as a leader. Example: oldest sister:*whines* thomas why are you so rude to mommy and daddy? you really need to learn your manners. Me: i ignore her but like. not only does she whine while telling me, but if i think back EVERY single time my parents tries to talk to her she whines back! its like. okayy so why should i listen to you?. but ehh..Its funny cause my 2 yr old is the medium for my oldest sister and I. My oldest sister oldest feels like she has this authority over me and she gets so fustrated cause im super rude, when imnot. its just i view her like my parents. as equals. So if i yelled back it should be like 2 friends arguing. I shouldnt need to bow my head to her.To end it, my oldest sister has common sense but is so immature that she cannot correct her own mistakes and must GROW out of phases. If youre going through a terrible fad in your life and everything is just fucked up you would just FIX it, but shes so immature she doesnt know how so she just gets more chaotic and waits for time to allow her to grow out of it. Eh. thats why me and my sister put her next to my mom. lol but yeah. i should stop ranting. Im trying to get a sixpack before prom soo..cya! XD

Someday! Oh Someday!

In many ways they'll miss the good old days
Someday, someday
Yeah it hurts to say but I want you to stay
Sometimes, sometimes
When we was young oh man did we have fun
Always, always
Promises they break before they're made
Sometimes, sometimes

Oh, My ex says im lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you wanna stand by my side
Darling your head's not right
I see alone we stand together we fall apart
Yeah, I think I'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes.
Oh someday.
I ain't wasting no more time.

Trying, trying.

And now my fears, they come to me in threes
So I, sometimes
Say "fate my friend", you say the strangest things
I find, sometimes

Oh, My ex says i'm lacking in depth
Say I will try my best
You say you wanna stand by my side
Darling your head's not right
I see alone we stand together we fall apart
Yeah, I think I'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables they turn sometimes.
Oh someday

I ain't wasting no more time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8CqkUrKFDk


So this is my favorite song right now by the strokes. Your task is to find out why, cause after 17 years the rule still holds. The song(s) im addicted to during that period of time relates to me the most. :] In other news, Interesting date umm what was it...i recall it was the day of my AP test so it would be a little less than month ago. It was probably one of the happiest days :P. Time to try to remember shit as i type okay..what happened that day...humm. Ap physics test happened and it was 3:16 when they called and the test was suppose to end at 4 but didnt end until 4:20. Whos the they? well i found out after the test northeastern called and i was accepted into foundation year! woot woot. yeah i was running through the halls excited. Me and aleyda went to hang out to celebrate her finishing of everything and my acceptance :] we went to visit Nathan, her bf, at a baseball game then we hopped on a silver line to downtown to eat at wendy's. lol. umm..yeah it was just a day full of smiles :]. That same day something very interesting happened. Im not sure if i ever wrote about it in any of my entries or matter of fact told anyone. But ever since i could remember, i had really keen intuition when i was little and i helped my sister find stuff cope with life problems, and at times warn her and anyone around me for danger cause usually it was right about unlucky occurrences that coulda been avoided if i spoke up. idk, my brian subconsciously knew how fate worked. it wasnt until i was 11 that i fully understood my own intuition though since it was made up of just..moodswings and fragmented thoughts. So it took me years to find a pattern and understand my own intuition. By the time i mastered it. It vanished because Phi popped into my life and an intuition like that needs a clear mind almost vulnerable cause i need to get the mood swings in order to know if my intuition was telling me something good or bad. but yeah. So the last time i felt it was like..what? 7-8 years ago?. tell me why a month ago when i was looking for my messenger bag cause it disappeared from the face of the earth i felt it again. It was VERY bad too and for once in like..years i was scared shitless. okay lets rewind a bit. My parents, ever since i was a wee boy had closets full of huge jackets that they "saved for when i was older" well im 18 now dude and ive yet to try on a single one and actually expect to continue to wear it. Well i went close to them and i feel a shiver but its no biggy, i always get shivers here and there (forgeting that used to be a strong warning for when my intuition was warning me) but yeah i tried on this trenchcoat that was so long it hit below my halfway of my shins and it was like..muddy kaki color. The longer i wore it though. the more shivers i got. it suddenly got cold and thats when my intuition started acting up, as its doing right now. I remmeber it was like screaming in my head TAKE THAT FUCKING COAT OFF GET It OFF GET IT OFF. i swear that coat was haunted cause i legit could not bear it. so i threw off the coat and left it on the floor until my parents woke up and asked them where they got the coat. Once they said "filene's basement" my intuition told me otherwise and a picture of a abandoned warehouse flashed through my mind. My sister believes in my intuition cause it helped her many times. so when she heard that it awakened again she was at first really interested, then surprised then as scared as me XD. yeah..its kinda creepy how it happened cause of a coat. I touched the coat again today but only got a shiver, probably cause of what happened the last time. but idk. well.it pulled down my mood completely and i wasnt even exicted for NEU after that anymore T_T cause i was like a little kid rocking back and forth in my chair scared shitless. lol Phi was a huge part of why i became so mentality keen and it was the reason why i continued to grow mentally. but i always forget that i was kinda destined for this. cause of my keen intuition that started it all up and i woulda grew out of my intuition and i woulda stayed at a level a little bit higher than the average mentality but yeah, its what started it. As for everything else in my life right now..ehh bunch of shit. this whole entry was about a little less than a month ago :P beside the song, i still do really like that song >.> lol

Fullmetal alchemist. Last episode.

Of course i saw the last episode of Fullmetal alchemist! Its when ed and al finally reclaim their bodies but realize in order to do so they are human once again. In a world where alchemy(mentality) no longer exist. That is their last episode, but i must say it is not the last for me. I now have trouble doing everything that i was able to do in my sleep. I remember all those days of power that are literally leaving me by the day. As it did 120305 when i lost my memories. But this time its different because there is a substitute. Well, i dont know what to say, its may im about to graduate but have no idea where im going. And quite frankly i still dont care. I should be dead right now, and i still kinda wish i was. So everything is kinda obsolete and these passions i threw my feeble life at: tennis, robotics, skateboarding, guitar. They are so Materialistic that i see right through them when MY reality slaps me in the face at night. Im glad im human because now i can flirt with females again and have a good time. But it never follows through because i still have memories, and the old thomas did a almost perfect job cursing me. I remembered how it felt to truely love again recently and now. Its interesting. blahh everything is blahh right now. I wrote this entry cause i remember how i used to be. how i am. how blind the world is. And how this song. Seven Years. Taunts my life. Im pretty much depressed right now. hopefully that changes soon. I have a Bls prom date named Jannie. Shes a female gamer XP awesome and she has a just very average personality. One i can hold a conversation with anytime anywhere. Today is also mothers day. I havent said happy mothers day yet because my sisters havent and i woke up after them so i didnt feel like initiating it. what else?. Guitar. its w/e lol..atm moment at least. Its a rather outrageous situation. what else?. Idk. Ap physics test tomorrow. this entry helped clear my head of everything im thinking about right now. But it brought my mood down cause of the fact that now its on the table and idk what to do with it. So like a book, ill just close this window. and read this entry a few months from now and say wtf and everythng will go Oooh. lol blah. bye.