Self- esteem

I have a confession to make...I'm Pathetic. In the past i've told myself that many times and i had low self esteem . The difference was that whenever a depressing thought came to my head about my lack of ___ i would replace it with anger or expel it from my thoughts. Unfortunately, i cannot do that anymore. Im greeted by the ill emotion of depression and i have to learn how to face it. Ever since i came to Northeastern I've been comparing myself to this one guy. I truly look up to him even though he most likely does not have a clue about it. He's name is Kevin Afable. He's brilliant. Regardless of the topic or subject he has a response and a proper answer. Humble but lacking due to the fact that he is a jack of trades. He could easily admit what is wrong and just fix it. Something i have lacked my whole life. I look up to him though cause i see myself in him. Both us of have brilliant conversations and even though i dont have such a wide range of understanding as him, this could be changed. He got to where is is through bending his life to how he wants and unlike other sucess stories, i see his efforts. Usually M.I.T. people naturally have everything work for them. When alban was capatain for robotics things naturally moved much more moothly even though i feel like i could have taken his place. KUnlike them, Kevin does not quite understand the complete flow of life yet and hasnt caught the beat to have everything work for him, so he puts time and effort into everything. That is something very admirable. Looking up to someone is something completely new to me. I usually, regardless of how admirable the person was, would try to mentally put myself on their level. thats how i looked up to them...i would naturally feel the need to dominate and of course fail. With kevin, i feel obligated to stick backa and actually observe what he does. I feel like a kid. Its strange. Self-esteem comes into play because i feel pressured to learn and grow. Everytime he surpasses me i get very fustrated. Lately for once i actually know how it feels to say..i want to give up..no hope at all. Which is retarded cause even in the most weakest times in the past i always carried hope. Perhaps thats what colin sees in me. The drive. I never had any drive or essence besides the one to just.fucking.live. Iused to be like the people from the cartoons, where as long as i have hope and dont give up i will win. Now its different, when my dignity is in danger i loose all hope and just give in in order to stop the pain of losing or being defeated. This new shift n me puts me in a constant state of readiness to give up. its very annoying. I dont have anger like i used to. Self-esteem...I feel like academics cannot supply me with this and it must come from my lifestyle. i have to prove to myself that my lifestyle and the people im with, the things i say the things i do and decisions i make are right and make me smart and intellegent. I want people to see me as someone that is needed. I want to be a legend. i truly want to be AWESOME. ICH WILL.