reflection

well guess what time it is?..i know its damn well too late for me to be allowed to be typing xD...what i need to start getting used to again is going with my first instinct and living the moment...i feel like writing a refection right now..and im 90% sure that ima just delete it tommorw XD. why?..because my mind set is still unstable XD..and i havent put together my thinker and my image i portray during the day..so you got a 3/4 fake during the day and a 3/4 thinker at night XD. wouldnt be exactly a fake but just not me XD...neither is the thinker...you have to combine the two so that it would be me. And thats harder than it sounds cause both arent round mindsets that bond so easily...i would probably find many things that contradict with one another once i do try to combine the two..cause its been separated for so long new thoughts come in blah blah blah. xD all that will be done no time soon because it involves insane IN DEPTH analyzing that i am not capable atm. XD SO moving onto what i CAN do XD. well im not sure exactly how much ive progressed, cause i dont have a CONTROL to look back to. but as i recall, i told myself that it was completely EMPTY. Going to such extent, i can say ive regained a couple of useful memories. Not fully grasping but have a broad idea of emotions, feeling anger and disappointment. I cant say ive felt happy or said yet..cant cry yet but that desnt really bother me. lol... fear has become dominat again. which is inevitable and most likely wont be fully overcome until probably a year...thats the last stage. im also beginning to have a higher tolerence for the cold again. i have tolerence but im still actually very cold , which means i still havent learned to generate heat yet. Tolerence is a sign that my mind has strengthened a bit unlike a while back i remember weared 5 layers and i was shivering my ass off when it wasnt even cold. if your wise you can separate the difference between how much you can tolerate and how much you can change ;)...i can tolerate it but i cant warm myself up..simple as that. humm ive noticed that my wrist , which was supose to be "permanently" injured (couldnt bend it 90 degrees, pick up anything heavy, or do any that causes recoil on it such as punching or throwing a ball)...yeah but now it seems fine..it was injured for a good coupl months though for no apparent reason -_-...probably still is supose to hurt but my head can block it off now. lol...and trust me i know when injures are permanent...*looks at knuckle* XD. the memory of how that happen came a while back, i punchedmy sisters door cause i was pissed as fuck...not knowing how hard i punched it hurt like a BITCH 10 mins later. 2 months after tat when it was semi healed i punched through a ice block without knowing my strength. After that it became a permanent injury that swelled like a bitch whenever i punched something xD. Theres a little exess skin onmy knuckle too..for the swelling to occur. XD..i recall i caused it to sell a couple times again after that for experimenting. humm...i still lack confidence though...but it will come through regaining myself. whats funny is that right now im rather happy where i am, if i progess anymore itll be the living hell that i found o so fun before. i would think 24/7, finding things out that i wish i didnt. I would also constently be stressed cause of all the contaiend thoughts cause what i know, before the farthest i got was controling the thoughts, i aent yet knew how to purify them. and once i hit that stage it might take a while cause even for me, thats unsearched lands. xD.then again if i go the opposite direction i would become who i hate, a human. It disgusts e how i catch myself doing things that i knew i would have never done. In respect for my thoughts and for everything i fucking went through, that i wouldnt get involved with pointless relationships with the opposite sex. It shoulda ended with van because she held a grant purpose. But, i do find myself wishing she would talk to me or wishing we can grow closer(this is so many girls so i dont target any)...zzz..its annoying..cause i see i threw my life away and im not learning my mistakes. lol i actually find it quite amusing.

What fascinates me, i found out recently, is school. Starting from when people were little kids, for 18 years tey would throw themselves towards something mindlessly not knowing the outcome or whats to come. I didnt understand what was to happen to me in the future because of school. I was a thinker already when i was little. i knew parents words were so cliqueish. my body, as instinct wouldnt throw itself and be commited to something without knowing the outcome. i just couldnt do it. Probably if a adult was like me and told me face to face that its not just "ohh if you get bad grades your not gunna get a job and your not gunna live a sucessful life"...lol..i knew that there were alot of people out there that was like that and it just didnt make sense to me that if all parents were taught to tell children such stuff why arent there less drama in the world? you know?..hey they ben to college...someone coulda told m there were 2 sats..ya know?...smeone coulda told me that fuckin life wasnt such a straight path cause i knew it wasnt. im not blaming it on other people that i faied in life. Im just saying even if your not a thinker, im surprised a little kid would buy such crap that said "if you do good in school youll be sucessful in life point blank"...like if thats the case whats do good?...whats sucessful?..of course i understand all this now...i understanded a long time...i was just caught up in things that gave me no time to put it to action.

I dont know what to do in the future, cause honestly i probably am still living the teenage life. i honestly, believe im a adult though looking at the people around me. But just like the drastic change of mindsets from elementary to middleschool there might be a whole nother stage of maturity i just havent reached yet. my sisters hinted this by saying, it oesnt matter, cause youll soon realize that you will WANT to get married. and that fucking bugs me cause just likes school, school was just there..they said it but they didnt explain... my sister wouldnt tell me shit. is it cause its the thing for adults?..is it for money?..are all people naturally pulling into the life cycle of live reproduce die?....SHE DOESNT TELL ME SHIT AND THAT FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF....so just like me when ima little kid...ima not know what to do. you might say ahh...listen to her?...but listen to her say WAT..she didnt tell me what to do in preporation for my adult mindset she didnt tell me how to introduce it..you know..i look at this world in a very detailed scale. thats probably why im so different. its because thngs that came naturally to guys through age just didnt for me because i was in a different world it it wouldnt reach me. So i learned everything myself through experience and taking one step back two steps forward. Guys naturally were athletic when i was little, i saw them play kickball and really get good with it. i learned i liked tennis and track probably late middle school. lol..idono why this has been a very interesting post..its a hour later. 3 am..goodnight. this last paragraph, is still something that confuses me, and youll probably say your 16! your supose to know all this! but i ont pick up things like everyone else, i learn solely through experience. Only think i recall doing naturally was thinking, understanding, fighting, and drawing. i sucked at everything else when i was little. and i wasnt even a very good fighter when i was little. but i can tell you if an adult threw a fist at me i could probably have dodged it and came behind them due to surprise. its a bit different now.