Everyone (which includes pretty much me myself and i) i wish to make a grand announcement. Today is the checkpoint. Ive finally reached the gate. This metaphorically gate refers to the gate of meditation and opening the gate and going through it make take more months and going back and forth but still. I see what lies ahead of me and its a new thomas. Meditation is not a step backward anymore. I will live happy and sucessful. I will fulfill my dream as a human. Its going to be hard. im sure insanity isnt too far behind and especially in the beginning i might stagger and stray into the past...but everyday ive tried meditating more and more. ive reached the point where i can manually transfer a small amount of heat to my hands alone. Not bad for someone trying to find their center again. And ive disciplined myself for sessions with spans of 3 hours long. Returning fine and without insanity, but very exhausted XD. I wouldnt say i meditated..i simply earned a calm mind. A stable mind. With this said i will now move onto my new blog. If you want the link please ask. The new blog will be my present self and it WILL affect me if i spread it to the wrong people so i will choose wisely. Aside from that, i can say my sophmore year is starting strong. even though i see bad habits forming such as me being up at 3am when i have a 9am to 1 pm class soon, hopefully it doesnt affect me too much. This is what i signed up for when i decided to meditate. Unfortunately, since i made a solid decision in the last blog post i couldn't pull away from the thought of meditation completely knowing that i might be taking steps backwards. But with that resolve im now carving out a new path one with strength and anger but happiness and yes i do see the campibility of capping my skills. I dont want to drown in my own thoughts again regardless of it being happy or angry. I wish to be a person with emotions but think reasonably and logically. I have already experienced some contradictions because meditation requires a completely unbiased mind and an unbias mind requires a lack of emotion. Ill deal with it though. Theres always a double win. Hopefully from here on out ill serve to be a better person to myself. As for quitting smoking, I think it can stick around for a bit longer XD. Im speaking of this as if its the end of something but honestly its just the beginning. Im really excited with the first enlightenment i had just moments ago. :]
I am currently learning the two most generic types of meditation. Id like to name them fierce meditation and sleep meditation. Both of them ive mastered before im just taking a different path. fierce meditation is what involves me manipulating the heat. stimulating the physical body to complete task. This one..since i am not even meditating yet does nothing but drain my energy. Its like earning money(energy) just to burn it for the sake of learning how to use it. Its very tiresome and if i used anger or adrenline rush this branch would grow exponentially but i refuse to use anger as a energy source..instead i will use fear because i wish to feel fear even though i hate it. The second type is sleep meditation. relaxation meditation. This is more mental and since i cannot meditate now my mind is just blank and i just go into a deep almost lazy mode. When i snap out of it my body feels super exhausted but thats because i was in a deep/light sleep. after five mins, if done properly, i would have more energy than i had before. This mediation will help the other branch as the other branch will help this one. But thats in time. I just wanted to document this for future reference XD
well without further adue, CYA! i love you.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Im scared to type this entry. Im stable because i am like a 2x4 on a ball with a weight on both extremities...keeping balance...shaky. Eh. There are reasons unknown to me right now what i am doing with my life. I kinda threw everything out the window...Everything i strive for, lived for, cared for. They were objectives i made due to events in the past, obviously. For any other average human being that is completely logical..but for me its unethical. My yearning to sever myself has made me want to hold on tighter. Balancing on the ball. I know that if i throw myself into my comfort zone and meditation..mind.. that would be everything but productive. I could be stuck there forever, god knows if i would ever give a shit to become a engineer, live life, go out. Im troubled. I was very close to jumping into my hole..thanks to colin he slapped some sense into me, i could not thank him enough. I still need a long time to recuperate. Social life will be severed for a while. Im not ready for my new blog. i like this one :]. life shouldnt be so black and white. change should be gradual. blah.
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. I do not remember a single scene from this movie. This is what still cease to fascinate me. I told her "hey i got recommended to watch (ESOTSM) so im torrenting it now can you make sure it downloads cause ima chill in my bedroom" she says, "Wtf? we already watched this movie before..dont you remember? we watched it together!" I was caught off guard cause there are still alot of memories i dont remember and this struck me as odd cause things usually at least sound at least the slightest bit FAMILIAR but it didnt. i said "Well, uhh was it good? what is it about?..did you like it?" I have never forgotten something so completely when it came to family. especially movies! i think im a movie geek and id be like oh yeah after watching a couple scenes. i didnt remember a single scene. she said i got emotional during the movie and she said it sucked. After watching the movie again all the peices fit and i thought..i must have watched this movie right before i lost my memory. Sure enough the movie came out 2004...The reason why i forgot it so completely is because its about a man that erased a female from her memory..i wouldnt be surprised if this movie gave me the idea to try it. haha. Poor old thomas must have been crying instead seeing this movie..
Anywho. I still need to meditate. You cant turn on a firehose then just let go and think everything will subside. I feel like theres so much things in my life that needs proper attention that i just thought i can let go of after i forgot things. well...it doesnt work like that. I need it controlled though..blah idk how to do it...i dont know anything. but i dont care! cause i got all my life to figure out :]
I need a smoke. I've been smoking cheap cigs for so long XD cant wait to get paid and buy a decent pack and just enjoy one under the within some shade...holding a book. haha
I feel like theres still so much more to say. There is so much more to say. But it isnt for this blog entry. not not. not yet. Hopefully later.
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. I do not remember a single scene from this movie. This is what still cease to fascinate me. I told her "hey i got recommended to watch (ESOTSM) so im torrenting it now can you make sure it downloads cause ima chill in my bedroom" she says, "Wtf? we already watched this movie before..dont you remember? we watched it together!" I was caught off guard cause there are still alot of memories i dont remember and this struck me as odd cause things usually at least sound at least the slightest bit FAMILIAR but it didnt. i said "Well, uhh was it good? what is it about?..did you like it?" I have never forgotten something so completely when it came to family. especially movies! i think im a movie geek and id be like oh yeah after watching a couple scenes. i didnt remember a single scene. she said i got emotional during the movie and she said it sucked. After watching the movie again all the peices fit and i thought..i must have watched this movie right before i lost my memory. Sure enough the movie came out 2004...The reason why i forgot it so completely is because its about a man that erased a female from her memory..i wouldnt be surprised if this movie gave me the idea to try it. haha. Poor old thomas must have been crying instead seeing this movie..
Anywho. I still need to meditate. You cant turn on a firehose then just let go and think everything will subside. I feel like theres so much things in my life that needs proper attention that i just thought i can let go of after i forgot things. well...it doesnt work like that. I need it controlled though..blah idk how to do it...i dont know anything. but i dont care! cause i got all my life to figure out :]
I need a smoke. I've been smoking cheap cigs for so long XD cant wait to get paid and buy a decent pack and just enjoy one under the within some shade...holding a book. haha
I feel like theres still so much more to say. There is so much more to say. But it isnt for this blog entry. not not. not yet. Hopefully later.
Monday, August 23, 2010
49 Yui-Again
So its getting really hard to live the life i am right now. Im still holding back my meditation for several people in my life. After i make a definitive decision i dont turn back and i need my alone time. feeling emotions and getting close to people and shit was fun but yeahh now i think its time. call me a drama queen or w/e but sometimes people like need to let go. please..let me go.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
new past.
Everytime i tell someone about my past it is so symbolic to the person i am and want to become its a instant reality check whenever i do it and i change greatly with each experience. Thats why i choose very special people to tell.
(side note it reminds me of these lyrics)
Atreyu- Who died
Who died in the systematic process that we call life
each indiscriminate event leading itself to the total destruction
the total nihilation of the beauty and spark of mankinds history
each failure is so symbolic of whats past and what yet left to be
un-dead or am i really dying
whos to say that this is eternity
devoid of serenity
brings us closer to a label of hell
here we go are all we all dead
whats the stop, wheres the end
whats the stop, where do i end
With this said i want to finally make that last step with R0SE5 behind me i will force myself into a future. New blog and everything. The stop is here and the end is near. There is alot to be done. I've decided to start meditating again and seriously this time. Since i havent thought about it at all for the past month that means im going to have to put in maybe four to five hours a day just to get something by the end of the month..probably two months. (like i said im estimating a decade before i can actually mediate again) My life has changed alot. I am no longer looking for love but i continue to try to make as many people as happy as possible and still i strive for my search of true beauty. Since i know it isnt within love, True beauty must exist somewhere in this world...perhaps it does exist in love..but thats the innocent belief i no longer wish to wait or search for. academics meditation and pool. I'd be lucky if i talk to anyone..but that came with the package when were talking about trying to learn how to meditate and becoming a mechanical engineer. Hopefully i dont start hating people again. I realized that in order to be human...(i feel like i am very human already but that final push that doesnt keep me in the middle is ironicly, a step back within the realms of my mind) i must learn how to meditate. In order to live normally and strive to be a typical blue collar citizen with the american dream by my side, i have to fear death...right now i fear life more than anything. That became apparent with my talk with emily. So without further adue. cheer to life. When i begin to meditate i dont expect to blog much anyways. Its almost impossible to talk to people about the thoughts or document it at all without damaging yourself...thats probably why society hears so little about it. Even masters, have to watch how much they speak about it because "In order to obtain something you must first give something of equal value in return, that is the law to the equivelent exchange" You are literally giving knowledge with you are learning the truth (for me, relearning.) yeah..god or well..the balance of the world doesnt like that. so it brings very bad karma to those who discipline themselves then abuse it. Thats why i didnt say much about meditation at ALL in my earlier post..but ehh that is years ahead of me though. Ask me questions while you can! XD PUSH PUSH PUSH TEGGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
(side note it reminds me of these lyrics)
Atreyu- Who died
Who died in the systematic process that we call life
each indiscriminate event leading itself to the total destruction
the total nihilation of the beauty and spark of mankinds history
each failure is so symbolic of whats past and what yet left to be
un-dead or am i really dying
whos to say that this is eternity
devoid of serenity
brings us closer to a label of hell
here we go are all we all dead
whats the stop, wheres the end
whats the stop, where do i end
With this said i want to finally make that last step with R0SE5 behind me i will force myself into a future. New blog and everything. The stop is here and the end is near. There is alot to be done. I've decided to start meditating again and seriously this time. Since i havent thought about it at all for the past month that means im going to have to put in maybe four to five hours a day just to get something by the end of the month..probably two months. (like i said im estimating a decade before i can actually mediate again) My life has changed alot. I am no longer looking for love but i continue to try to make as many people as happy as possible and still i strive for my search of true beauty. Since i know it isnt within love, True beauty must exist somewhere in this world...perhaps it does exist in love..but thats the innocent belief i no longer wish to wait or search for. academics meditation and pool. I'd be lucky if i talk to anyone..but that came with the package when were talking about trying to learn how to meditate and becoming a mechanical engineer. Hopefully i dont start hating people again. I realized that in order to be human...(i feel like i am very human already but that final push that doesnt keep me in the middle is ironicly, a step back within the realms of my mind) i must learn how to meditate. In order to live normally and strive to be a typical blue collar citizen with the american dream by my side, i have to fear death...right now i fear life more than anything. That became apparent with my talk with emily. So without further adue. cheer to life. When i begin to meditate i dont expect to blog much anyways. Its almost impossible to talk to people about the thoughts or document it at all without damaging yourself...thats probably why society hears so little about it. Even masters, have to watch how much they speak about it because "In order to obtain something you must first give something of equal value in return, that is the law to the equivelent exchange" You are literally giving knowledge with you are learning the truth (for me, relearning.) yeah..god or well..the balance of the world doesnt like that. so it brings very bad karma to those who discipline themselves then abuse it. Thats why i didnt say much about meditation at ALL in my earlier post..but ehh that is years ahead of me though. Ask me questions while you can! XD PUSH PUSH PUSH TEGGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Goodnight, Travel Well.
If I gave you pretty enough words
Could you paint a picture of us that works
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human...
After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
Live, Love, Burn, Die
3:07amE "haha too bad im not there babe, so you need to find another alternative"
3:08amT "I got clos to a french girl its her dorm but i cant"
3:08amE "go ahead idc."
3:11amT "No lol Kevin in here haha"
3:12amE "lol wait til he sleeps then"
3:13amT "how bout i wait til you get here lol wow i type better who my eyeis closed lol all the futuoms come from muscle memory XP"
3:15amE "Hahaha naah go ahead cuz i definitely cant get there today so go have some fun"
3:17amT "In on the couc already lol i decided to grab the couch before i do somethinl i would regres :] now in now longing at my phone at all uh.gr is so cool :]"
3:17amE "lol oh well it's your own dick that you're forcing to suffer, poor lil tommy he wants a warm and wet message"
3:21amT "haha i would do anything to sale back a decade me my life t... more than half me me life haha thats a long time o.o"
3:22amT "i need another drink."
3:23amE "Cuz you regret a lot and you want your innocence back?"
3:28amT "I want to be my age but i shouldn't want to did or give my life for another. There is alot me love in this world i will never see. It obliq me sad"
3:30amE "why wouldnt you be able to see all the love in the world?"
3:35amT "Cause true love is everything negative in this world if you arent ready for it. I can never feel innocent love oning its real forw. Hell in a call with a pretty bow i dont want to did again"
3:39amT "You dont understand how much i wish tomorrow is my last. But i refuse to do it myself just to spite the thought. I want to live. Human."
3:50amE "its okay to be afraid b.c you were hurt when you were young and didnt know how to handle the pain. But without pain how would you be able to appreciate the good things in your life? you shouldnt write the rest of your life out as a tragedy b.c life is what you make of it. We all get hurt but we fight back. you need to too. You hide behind your wall of giggles and laughter but i know that inside you're scared. But you have to open yourself up and let yourself be truely happy."
4:03amT "Thats why i in to northeastern and talk to people like you and try to reach my goals but in the end i always realize in runnin from the truth in always alle back to the part i belong in the world without people. Where i can take the truth to the grave because im three me wanting to well the truth about the world out. Its beautifully imperfect and i will not quin that. so i remain silent in hopes that the old thomas can forget enough for me to live im sorry in too drunk. i said too much.
4:12amE "I love you thomas. you have no idea how much i want to take away your pain for you to be free from all these thoughts that you have. You need to breathe and let these thoughts out. Seems like you know that they are bad for you and are controlling your life but you let them"
4:22amT "Its fine. I'll be fine when in sober. imm too awesod to have it hurt meI worry about nothing except putting one foot in front of the other. Its just impossible to be boomsletl normal when you realize everythi in life that invokes lover with is everythi its... diferent. Passion material need desire love within everything is different. I know i can love again. I night just need to marry the next girl i love thoug causm i cant risk my life anymor. I hope yo under"
4:27amE "I do understand. thats why im walking away now and letting you find your girl. good night.
4:27amT ":[ night. in sorry."
The most passionate drunk talk ive ever managed to have. I have so much respect for her. fuck. Im sorry. My life..in a nutshell. Thats a idiom metaphor. because its in..a shell..get it? >.> okay. nvm lol
Could you paint a picture of us that works
With emphasis on function rather than design
Aren't you tired?
cause i will carry you
On a broken back and blown out knees
I have been where you are for a while
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold
I am exhumed just a little less human...
After all these images of pain
Have cut right through you
I will kiss every scar and weep
You are not alone
Then I'll show you that place,
in my chest where my heart,
still tries to beat;
It still tries to beat
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream
All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night
Every evening that I die
Live, Love, Burn, Die
3:07amE "haha too bad im not there babe, so you need to find another alternative"
3:08amT "I got clos to a french girl its her dorm but i cant"
3:08amE "go ahead idc."
3:11amT "No lol Kevin in here haha"
3:12amE "lol wait til he sleeps then"
3:13amT "how bout i wait til you get here lol wow i type better who my eyeis closed lol all the futuoms come from muscle memory XP"
3:15amE "Hahaha naah go ahead cuz i definitely cant get there today so go have some fun"
3:17amT "In on the couc already lol i decided to grab the couch before i do somethinl i would regres :] now in now longing at my phone at all uh.gr is so cool :]"
3:17amE "lol oh well it's your own dick that you're forcing to suffer, poor lil tommy he wants a warm and wet message"
3:21amT "haha i would do anything to sale back a decade me my life t... more than half me me life haha thats a long time o.o"
3:22amT "i need another drink."
3:23amE "Cuz you regret a lot and you want your innocence back?"
3:28amT "I want to be my age but i shouldn't want to did or give my life for another. There is alot me love in this world i will never see. It obliq me sad"
3:30amE "why wouldnt you be able to see all the love in the world?"
3:35amT "Cause true love is everything negative in this world if you arent ready for it. I can never feel innocent love oning its real forw. Hell in a call with a pretty bow i dont want to did again"
3:39amT "You dont understand how much i wish tomorrow is my last. But i refuse to do it myself just to spite the thought. I want to live. Human."
3:50amE "its okay to be afraid b.c you were hurt when you were young and didnt know how to handle the pain. But without pain how would you be able to appreciate the good things in your life? you shouldnt write the rest of your life out as a tragedy b.c life is what you make of it. We all get hurt but we fight back. you need to too. You hide behind your wall of giggles and laughter but i know that inside you're scared. But you have to open yourself up and let yourself be truely happy."
4:03amT "Thats why i in to northeastern and talk to people like you and try to reach my goals but in the end i always realize in runnin from the truth in always alle back to the part i belong in the world without people. Where i can take the truth to the grave because im three me wanting to well the truth about the world out. Its beautifully imperfect and i will not quin that. so i remain silent in hopes that the old thomas can forget enough for me to live im sorry in too drunk. i said too much.
4:12amE "I love you thomas. you have no idea how much i want to take away your pain for you to be free from all these thoughts that you have. You need to breathe and let these thoughts out. Seems like you know that they are bad for you and are controlling your life but you let them"
4:22amT "Its fine. I'll be fine when in sober. imm too awesod to have it hurt meI worry about nothing except putting one foot in front of the other. Its just impossible to be boomsletl normal when you realize everythi in life that invokes lover with is everythi its... diferent. Passion material need desire love within everything is different. I know i can love again. I night just need to marry the next girl i love thoug causm i cant risk my life anymor. I hope yo under"
4:27amE "I do understand. thats why im walking away now and letting you find your girl. good night.
4:27amT ":[ night. in sorry."
The most passionate drunk talk ive ever managed to have. I have so much respect for her. fuck. Im sorry. My life..in a nutshell. Thats a idiom metaphor. because its in..a shell..get it? >.> okay. nvm lol
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
idk
So there is SO much to blog about. my fucking god. i dont know where to start and i might have to just type about it in another entry. Im typing this blog cause i cracked. I realized my life isnt going good for me at all. Theres nothing i want yet i want so much. Im bipolar and its driving me nuts. Just after a summer search reunion i snapped...cause i realized i was suddenly jealous and sad cause Van (my ex) might be going out with someone else in the program. This sudden rush of emotion was so unsettling that i had to leave early. Why am i jealous/sad about this? My theory is weird. its probably because shes beautiful..inside and out. Thats why she was my gf regardless of how bipolar she was. I think she changed and she grew to be more beautiful than before. Now she has found a guy i feel is a man because he is a good friend of mine and i know he can and will treat her right. Thats why im jealous/sad. I am attracted to her slightly. But why am i not the usual thomas and just be happy for those that are happy? thats what i do. This is the first time i felt like this and happiness is being sucked out of me because ever since the last post i feel like everything has been going nowhere but down. I held my poise. Sigh* its not holding so steadfast. I need something to occupy me besides pool and reading because its depressing. I dont feel productive. I also lost all sight of meditation completely and have no focus. This drives me nuts cause now i have nothing to turn to. This happened due to the fact that if i do meditate and i do find myself then i will make a choice and choose myself or people. I can no longer see gray after hurting so much. What to do thomas what to do? what happen to the cup always half full? what happened to making as many people happy as possible. Now i hurt everyone i touch and i continue to as i become more bipolar. I've been trying to hide the fact that i am spiraling but when i realized i became jealous/sad seeing van. that completely threw me off. Idk. Its probably my music. Ive been listening to White Lies alott and it is quite depressing lyrics but the songs are so beautiful so they just perpetuate the situation lol. Im a mess. I dont know if anyone can help me. I dont know if i can help myself. Wtf is going on?
Monday, July 5, 2010
45th post
I dont believe it. ive posted more than double almost triple of what i ever could imagine. It shows stablility because i can only post when Im not confused or in a mental state of chaos. If you havent noticed ive been posting less though. Thats because ive been trying to quit smoking. And because of multiple other things. Why am i such a fuckin depressed person? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy living. lol. Its hard. Fuck. my adrenaline rush is so inconsistent so i find myself needing to smoke more or les now. I need to stop feeling so depressed. I hate this feeling. I was never depressed before i became human because whenever i felt sad it would either completely dissipate or i'd find it fueling my anger. Wtf. wtf. can someone slap me? i dont need a hug i dont need anyone. I just want to be happy with who i am..im just sitting here at work right now. zzzz. This chapter of my life: depression. Fml. Lets see if i can make shit happen
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