Well. I ended the Term with two D's and one B. meh.i knew it was going for the worse, is it a problem that when i saw my grades it did not phrase me?. Perhaps its because it ate my insides during the whole time before i even saw it. By the time the grades materialized the bandaid has already been ripped off, if you will. Im on my april break right now. i ended my semester at the beginning of this week, April 3rd, and since then So much has happened. I sit here currently in Kevin's dorm, again its 8:05 am and i did not sleep a wink last night. I told myself i would not in order to get ready for sunday night, where i expect to sleep at 11pm to ready for the summer semester. this semester, the straight B's i got the smester previous of this WILL turn to A's. I have no stress to hold me back anymore. no 2.9 borderline shit that keeps me constantly worrying too much. im actually satisfied with my 2.4. I will continue at NEU with my 2.4, because i will get A's. Alot has changed within me in the past month, it was inevitable. With stress comes change for me. Thats why there was a blog post where i said i wanted to stop blogging. i knew i did NOT want to blog during this period of time because it would be a ever fleeting image. Anywho, lets begin with the good. Love. I know i know but i dont know if i believe it with all my heart yet. i can sincerely love now. Unlike before where i probably defined love as something different, i dont want to get into it.
Right now, i believe love is all around me. It bugs me how i notice people try to force me back into my hole because they call me too optimistic about everything. They say i lie to myself when im being optimistic because im not thinking realisticly. What the fuck is the problem with that? Say i am lying to myself its not going to do any better being depressed about it, through either or perspective, i believe both understand that they must move forward and change. I want to grasp the idea again that optimism is good as long as i understand what is happening and the depth of the circumstances. Sorry for that little rant, i knew this concept before but its hard to grasp again because idk, i subconsciously will forever see myself as crap? But im optimistic. See that? thats not a lie unless i prove my optimism wrong. lol. anywho. im very grateful for the people that recently have been reaching out to me. There are many males and females that now reach out to me showing they want to KNOW me. i find that so fascinating. and apparently this girl says that she sees a glow in me that she never seen before when im with my best friend. I got a glow back!? thats awesome. It felt so great to hear that people see me and understand me. i've been trying hard to break out of my thoughts and be more down to earth and when i hear someone say "your face lights up in a way i never seen before" it makes me feel genuinely happy :] I also feel like im getting closer to mediating again, but i always say that ahah to be honest even me at my best would take me more than a year at least to find my center again but i do have spikes. Spikes that allow me to just sit completely sit and close my eyes and i would hear nothing but my heart beat even if you were right in front of me trying to talk to me. I love that feeling. This requires compassion so i feel glad in knowing im improving as a person.
Bad things? well worse thing in my book right now is Cung. Im starting to really like..abhor that guy. He's very immature and thinks he truely is superior of me. He's the type that would not consider a word that comes out of my mouth liable and shows no respect towards me whatsoever. But when someone else introduces the same exact thought or idea he comments and at least gives them credit. It annoys the shit out of me how he's so cliquey and he doesnt even know it but hes in his own little world and its ruining mine. Because now he hangs out with kevin A lot more. Like i said, kevin is like the loud obnoxious side of me. and i realized he has that characteristic inhim as well, the idea that he can create superiority. Me and kevin argue a lot more often now and i see Ben reflected through him more often and it bugs me because he does not know Shit about me. honestly, we are best friends and we may do everything together when we are together, but i know nothing about his life when we are apart. We just respect one another's privacy. This probably makes him feel obligated to judge a bit when i make no so witty remarks as him. its a problem, cung and kevin. Im able to talk to kevin and show him i can be serious so he knows not to judge me. but for cung its too late and its annoying as fuck to be around him and he doesnt acknowledges me. He reminds me of huy. For example, me and kevin's roomate bond muchhh better than me and kevin ever will. Me and kevin's roommate conor was messaging each other even though we were in the same dorm but different rooms and we were joking around like...i feel like doing push ups. so we went in the living room where kevin and cung were and we started doing pushups at 3 in the morning while the other roommate was asleep. Kevin and cung were Blasting Digimon and me and conor were giggling cause we were having fun doing push ups. the third roommate wakes up and in a serious tone kevin blames it on me and conors giggling even though they were watching episode after ep on speaker. Idk, i feel like Kevin is getting closer to cung cause Cung is so easily influenced and kevin likes to feel like he can control someone. He even said this to me. "cung probably looks down on you because you give the impression that you dont know what you are doing with your life. He thinks you are always this 24/7 optimist that lies to himself and youre never going to change for the better" we were in a mature setting so i took that respectfully. Yet, right afterwards he says "yeah cung is changing so much because of me, he is making thats what she said jokes and i convinced him to drink for the first time and etc etc., i cant change you cause you are just so stubborn" and i responded, "stubborn? i think its ironic how im looked at as inferior for knowing what i want in life by not allowing people to change me so easily. Yeah, cung really shows the attributes of a better of person by being influenced so easily" This conversation bugged the shit out of me. because it shows that kevin likes to feel like he "has changed someone for the better with his all knowing ego" and cung is actually a big fuckin joke and everyone knows that the next time cung flames me im going to set him straight. Ugh i hate cung right now pretty much. but my title is love. lol so i will end on a good note. three days ago i went to a hypnotist show for the first time and it really made me think about how people think treat others. I truely believe in the idea that you treat others the way you like to be treated. im glad that it it finally reach people that my crazy ready to socialize personality is not a creepy personality but a very friendly one. and they have complied and showed that they care about me too. Mostly in my life right now. its people and self. im worried about. Kevin has the biggest ego ive ever seen, like ben. and like ben, kevin has a quality which he specializes in which reels people in. for ben he has charisma. for kevin he has actual intellegence. but both of them have this bad case of need for superiority. i see similarities. :x well... as for girls in my life. im just so happy that people are reaching out to me now that im fine :].
1 comment:
UMMMMMMM. BY FAR THE BEST FUCKING POST EVAAAAAA.
In response to the first paragraph about love and optimism, fuck everyone who thinks you're fooling yourself. You're right. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic as long as you know what's going on. And there's also this thing called "The Secret." It's basically about being positive, thinking you can do/get something, and that positivity and belief will help you attribute it.
As for the whole bad thing, I saw that in Kevin when I first met him. Although, I did think he was different and less like that after he came to UMass and after I saw him at NEU during my break.
Btw, why can't you come to UMass this time around again? Why do you have to wait until the 30th? You should just come whenever if you can. Just tell me if you decide to before. I think the UMass atmosphere is something that will do you well this time around. :) Especially if it's warm. So check to see when it'll be warm over here and get your ass down here!
<3!
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