Hide and seek

PEEKABOO! haha i feel great. But i feel like my emotions are just as awkwardly bipolar as a hide and seek game lol like when im in a good mood its during that period of time where you find the hider and its the ahhh... i FOUND YOU!! trickyyy thing haha and when im in a bad mood its like. FUCK WHERE DID EVERYONE GOOO. >.> haha.

Well. lets see theres nothing that's new im slowly difting back out into the world and not as awesomely isolated and stable as i was like..2-3 post ago. ehh. I find it interesting how a person like me deep down actually prefers isolation. Me when i was high proves this as well as many other hints in my casual personality. Thats why im so bipolar XD cause during the day i naturally feel obligated to socialize and i know i hate it when i dont get to socialize if i have the opportunity to. idk im weird.

For the most part i've been thinking about my personality more often. A girl i've been talking to from BU, not giving names yet, lol but she called me strange but in a friendly manner cause we were joking and stuff. But i took this comment and thought about it. Before she called me strange i told her about a simple event i was observing. I was sitting in a room that was made up of like..3/4 windows and it was on ground level. So when i looked out i saw this girl talking on the phone and i continued to observe her because i saw a funny little squirrel behind her. As she moved, the squirrel would twitch and follow her. I found this quite amusing and continued to watch because even though the squirrel was no more than 2 feet away from her, she was probably completely oblivious of its existence. Am i weird for finding things like that amusing? i see it just as well..a coincidence that is worth observing cause you dont see squirrels express their sly,tricky, and clever nature very often. This made me realize that i was different from everyone else. I've been living in a hole so long that my "flow" is completely different from everyone else. Flow meaning the things i notice and the way i react. Others might categorize this as just plain socially awkward. lol even though everyone has their individual thoughts, i have a belief that states that when in a group, humans tend to subconsciously act alike. Proof by example of the way i naturally have a differnt "flow" would be one person begins to read and that subconsciously makes others pull out their books. id be the guy that pulls out a math text book. lol. or doesnt do anything for that matter cause i see that other people subconsciously responded to that one person. Im just out of the loop dude. haha Well. thats enough ranting. Time for me to Get my A's! and a girlfriend! XDD

Flow

I have such a shit life right at this very moment. most likely if i leave the house tomorrow morning i'd feel great. But now i understand why i have so little blog entries. i have soo much to write but i do not fuckin feel like pouring myself out like a diary. >.> Before i thought it was just me being stubborn which made me not post and save those precious life changing moments. But yeah..no i have a very reasonable excuse now. zzz bye excited for this weekend

BAKED.

lolol dude. 4/20 was RIDICULOUS. I now know what type of high i am. After smoking from a pipe like..4 times and blunt about 3...dude..i was flying haha. Funny thing is i didnt notice it at first. but this is when you know im a thinker because im definitely the quiet one. I think AlOT when im high. Before i realized i was high. i was just resting my arm on something and staring at aleyda, nathan, gary, and danny. and they were all in their own little worlds as they played on the playground. I realized i was high when i noticed my eyes were closed and i was standing there for longer than i realized, just thinking about why im not feeling high yet and just really taking in all the sounds and smells and sights around me. so why are they acting so stupid? I was surprised when i tried to move and suddenly walk a bit off balance. when i began to walk towards them. I wasnt myself and it wasnt that much changed. Its just that i was much more observant and i appreciate things much more. For example i appreciate the sound of laughter. I stood there and drowned in aleydas laughter as nate and aleyda got super flirty. I was very abtract and conceptual because i cared alot about lighting and shapes and stuff like that. there was actually a period of time when i was laying on the ground while everyone was on the swings in front of me. and in front of my face was this skid mark made in the wood chips. it looked like a big comma except broken so i fixed it up and made it into a perfectly symmetrical ying&yang symbol. i should have taken a picture of it cause the way the light hit it was just so beautiful. probably it was just becaue i was high. lol. i also realized i was like a little kid. Curious. I walked towards anything that caught my attention..i was fearless and had a hugee amount of energy. There was a period of time when i stood still and just looked straight at the moon forever. My life was happening in frames so when something else caught my attention i immediately forgot what i was doing or what was my previous objective. There was a period of time that i stood on a swing for about 30 mins and listened to some music gary gave me. It really tripped up my high cause it was like..jamacain music seemingly just for moments when you were high. so i stood there on the swing holding his ipod and gently swung myself back and forth and side to side. If i closed my eyes, it really felt like my body was doing complete circles swinging because i didnt realize myself leaning forwards or back. This happened while everyone was joking and having fun. There was another period of time, when i climbed a tree cause i think earlier that night everyone tried to climb the tree at the same time so it caught my attention since i was high and i climbed to the tipity top and just...daydreamed, rocking the tree gently back and forth lookin at the moon and the stars and listening to the people below. i kept saying IM SO HIGHHHH lol cause i was climbing up the tree. and everytime i climbed higher i was like look IM HIGHERRR lol. i have my explosive moments. Its when i allowed myself to just rocket. but for the most part i prefered serenity. There was this one period of time gary found it fun to run around punching guys in the balls and that actually annoyed me and killed my high a bit cause he really like..hit my nuts. and tht wasnt cool. I was about to "allow myself to rocket" and start a fight cause i was bipolar too. but i as like..fuck this. id rather enjoy my chill while i can. but he got me heated. During the game though i outran him easily and didnt loose breath at all. i was alert and fast and full of energy. Randomly when im chillin though he would come and haymaker my balls and he stoped when i locked his elbow and almost popped it out and i said..chill wiht that shit. zzgary is a fun person to be high with though. he talks alot and i like to hear SOMETHING so hes that buzz in the bckround that doesnt let the awkward silence settle. Afterwards i easily ate 5 whopper jrs and we had so much fun in BK cause we were so baked lolol. it felt like we stood there for like..a whole hour cause everything was happening in frames so i forget the train of thought therefore loosing track of time completely. haha i turned to gary and was like..i want to ask them if my food is ready yet but i honestly dont know how much time has past, it feels like its been FOREVER lol. but yeah...I saw these really cool shapes and had several epiphanies when i was high. forgot everything though. lolol overall id say i had alot of fun cause i was able to get some like..GREAT alone time :D probably felt equivelent to laying on the grass during a sunny day. It would have been perfect if nate wasnt so disgustingly clingy and gary didnt punch my nuts multiple times. that would seriously not fly even once if i was sober. zzz but i'd do it again. Would it become a thing? definitely not. I'd like to learn how to meditate instead :] that way i can control my body and hold a arguement without forgeting my previous statement. OH and the other thing i noticed when im high. I only snap out of high breifly when someone makes me think that means if someone asks me a question i can respond cause my head straightens up..but hten i fucks up again right after i answer .lolol

EDITT: Here is a convo i had with Christine lee afteri got home, still baked. on facebook lol (this is from her so ME is CHRISTINE <3)

Thomas-lololol
hey hey is sara there?
cause dude

11:32pm
Me-damnit she just left ☹

11:32pm
Thomas-iKED
im sooo BAKED*
lolololol

11:32pm
Me-.... 4/20?

11:33pm
Thomas-i have a serious like
ridiculous amount of add right now
if something doesnt keep me thinking
im doing something else
and i dont realize it
lolool
until like...5 seconds later

11:34pm
Me-... okkk
so you want to talk to sara?

11:34pm
Thomas-lol
nshh
i just
WOOOOO
just had another epiphany
but fuck
i forgot it.
LOLL
...
lol
now im reading what i wrote and im like..im so stupid

11:35pm
Me-hahahahahhahahaa
omgggg keep talking

11:35pm
Thomas-but right aftes is going into another daze

11:35pm
Me-this is entertaining

11:36pm
Thomas-lol
woahhh
lolol that was the dazw
now im back for more
lolol
BUWAHAHAHA
lololololol
i hate you christine
D:
you make me look stupid
lolol since i think a new thought everytime i write the first
i dont realize at all how much i wrote

11:37pm
Me-hahahhaa

11:37pm
Thomas-lolol
haha you! i didnt write that much
you LIED TO ME
D:
FUCK YOU

11:38pm
Me-.... wth
you wrote hella

11:38pm
Thomas-i thought you better
T_T
HEHEH
JUST KEEDING
lolol
i wasnt really mad at you
:S

11:39pm
Me-lol

11:39pm
Thomas-lol what are you doing right now?

11:39pm
Me-"studying" haha
more latin T__T

11:39pm
Thomas-haha fuck
i math homework to dooo
NOOOOO
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
>.< my head is spinning just thinking about it
lol

11:40pm
Me-still stats?

11:40pm
Thomas-yeah
sucksss
dude. i swear to god
i saw a squirrel on the bus

11:41pm
Me-...

11:41pm
Thomas-they dont believe me.
it was climbing on the poles!
and i was like..wtf. lol but
wait a minute.
i got a ride home
WTF
Lololol
...what were we talking about?
LOL

11:42pm
Me=holy shit are you sure you're okkk?

11:42pm
Thomas-lmfao

11:42pm
Me-haah you've completely lost it

11:42pm
Thomas-fuck
when i think i snapped out of it
i start typing
then i realize im not controling what im thinking and im actually just typing what im thinking about
lolololol

11:43pm
Me-hahahaa omg this is great

11:43pm
Thomas-lmfao
fuck
ow my ribs hurt from laughing
like that time i started throwing up and laughing
and the vomit came out of my nose
lol
it was so disgusting
it was like..
BLARGHHH
lolol
wait
when did that happen?
fuck.
...WHY ARENT YOU RESPONDING?!
D:

11:45pm
Me-.... how am i supposed to respond to that -___-
"yeah, one time i laughed, and vomit squirted out of my nose too!"

11:45pm
Thomas-lol
tell me a storyyy
I <3 stories

11:45pm
Me-i already told you a story earlier

11:46pm
Thomas-like that time my moma ld me this story every night

11:46pm
Me-... so i'm your momma?

11:46pm
Thomas-you would be a pretty sexy mamma
lol
anywho
dude
im so hungryy
lolol
i ate 5 going on to six whopper jrs dude
im going to have thunder thighs
lol
and i wont be able to attract the ladies
D:
Lol
but id find that fuckin squrriel and SQUISH IT
fuckin squirrels

11:49pm
Me-hahahaha omggg
sooo thomas
what do you think about life
right now

11:49pm
Thomas-lol dude dont start me with that
im starting philosphy
so WOOOH!
life is great though
im really happy
actually you know im staying at neu!
WOOOT
yep. ladies love me
lol
im pretty hot
i mean great
i mean
good
lol
how are you?
omg. CAN YOU TYPE SLOWER

11:51pm
Me-holy crap
have patience man
i gotta read all the great stuff you type

11:51pm
Thomas-Lolol
s
bipolar part
^^that was the little b ipolar side of me saying hi
lolololol

11:52pm
Me-hahahaha

11:52pm
Thomas-anywho
WOW
im a mess
hha

11:52pm
Me-hahaha no duhh

11:52pm
Thomas-haha

11:53pm
Me-lol i told my friend everything you typed and she got a kick out of it lol

11:53pm
Thomas-lol
who?
hey

11:53pm
Me-jessica?

11:53pm
Thomas-im not for sale!

11:53pm
Me-i think you met her once before

11:53pm
Thomas-XD
ctually
i can be
;P
hahah
Oooh
that was slick
haha
sorry.
my moment right there^
haha
FUCK
im typing everything im thinking

11:54pm
Me-hahahahahhahaa

11:54pm
Thomas-this is wed.

11:54pm
Me-omggg you know what my friend saiddd
she said you probably arent that expensive

11:54pm
Thomas-?
uh uhh booboo
Lol
u trippin'
u c thse guudies?

11:55pmMe
...

11:55pmThomas
don't play me liik a foo
dont play
Lolol
sorry
another little
awkward moment
dude
if you kept talking
itll help alot cause it makes me think
and it fucks up my talking
lool

11:56pmMe
hahahaha

11:57pmThomas
...

11:57pmMe
was that not enough words for you?

11:57pmThomas
lol
im not thinking right now
Lolol

11:57pmMe
haha i can see that..

11:57pmThomas
so i have nothing to say
humm
ask me something!

11:58pmMe
why are you so messed up?
lol you seemed fine earlier

11:58pmThomas
lol
that was before i went to a sketchy beach with two rollies two pipes
and alot of bud
lol

11:59pmMe
hahaha good answer

11:59pmThomas
and it was a group of blacks and latinos
twitch
what do you think would happen to a poor asian?

11:59pmMe
...

11:59pmThomas
THEY PUNCHED MYBALLS D:

11:59pmMe
get fucked up
lol or that
or both

Today
12:00amThomas
lol
true
have you ever tried it before?

12:00amMe
nawhh not interested.

12:00amThomas
good
CAUSE ITS BAD FOR YOU!
you wouldnt be a geisha
that would be sad.

12:01amMe
hahaha

12:01amThomas
i wouldnt be happy.
its actually my first time
i thought about being experiemental. might not ever do it again
thats a easy promise to keep cause if i did want to id have to keep in touch with my latino and black friends
lol

12:02amMe
haha
seems like your head is clearing up a bit now

12:03amThomas
minority
lol
yeah better
its drifting
my life is happening in more wider frames
coming to one
lol

12:03amMe
haha

12:04amThomas
instead ofearlier
my life was litterally going like
30 fps
photography kjoke
dadumchingg
frames per second
>.>
GOSH
lol

12:05amMe
....
that flew over my head

12:05amThomas
lol
im hungry
i want more food
D:

12:05amMe
... so that you can vomit out your nose?

12:05amThomas
i already had 6 whopper jr
lololol
how did you know i did that?
Ohhh i told you

12:06amMe
lol we talked about this a few minutes ago -__-

12:06amThomas
OH SHIT
LOLOL
rofl

12:06amMe
hahaha any more interesting stories?

12:06amThomas
dont judge me

12:06amMe
i gotta enjoy this while it lasts

12:06amThomas
lol past a threshold
between really fucked up and less fucked up
so i dont remeber anything from the past stage
lol
until i mention it
like..
wtf
why was i talking about squirrels?
LOL
dude that was the craziest moment
i was thinking about me being on a bus for somereason

12:08amMe
hahahhaah that was the best part!

12:08amThomas
and i seriously saw a squirrel on the bus

12:08amMe
... and there you go at it again...

12:08amThomas
lol
you caught me \
FUCK
i was still talking
lololol
you know what i realized?
everyone betted i was going to be the retarded giggly one
but i was quiet the whole time

12:09amMe
.... really?
youre pretty giddy right now

12:10amThomas
yeah too much was happening in my head
im completely calm
when i daze i type unconsioucly with my eyes close
lololol
this is how you know youre on AIM TOO much
it just becomes like..a reduntant action

12:10amMe
wait youre calm right now?

12:11amThomas
not really
i just dazed
lolol

12:11amMe
ooh haha

12:11amThomas
about me da
zing*
isnt that crazy?
lol
i go into a daydream
like this
watch this i can make myself forget this statement
after
this
lolol
that was weird
cause i forget
until i open my eyes
and read what i say
then i go
Oooh!
haha
its like a surprise everytime

12:13amMe
you crazy

12:13amThomas
its kinda funny
lol
im not

12:13amMe
hahaha i totally concur

12:13amThomas
D:
am i disturbing you from your procrastination?
D:

12:13amMe
lol no this is quite entertaining
i encourage you to keep talking

12:14amThomas
i understand, procrastinatime is precious
haha
you have to worry about how much stupid shit you can do before you are forced to do work again
lol
lolol
i closed my eyes
and i saw a black guys
guy*

12:16amMe
...
in your daydream?

12:16amThomas
with fresh kicks and skinny ns and a tom hat
skinny jeans*
nice hat*
lolol
well..costom >.
yeah he was doing some weird jerking dance
while licking his hand
LOLOL
it was quite...seductive
LOL
jk

12:17amMe
.......
are you sure you're jk-ing?
that could very well be your fantasy.

12:17amThomas
LOL
no that was when i snaped back

12:18amMe
hahahaha no need to hideee

12:18amThomas
gotta keep up with the rythmee
lol
im just like fuck it now
i gave up tryint to control myself
lol

12:19amMe
hahaha

12:19amThomas
omg
im sucha nerd

12:20amMe
my friend liked your daydream story

12:20amThomas
>.>

12:20amMe
and she wants to ask what you would do
if you found out that everyone else was a robot and you were the only human

12:20amThomas
you see weird cause i didnt have a formal intro
lol
i would just be like fuck it

12:21amMe
i swear you met her before

12:21amThomas
since robots i can have fun
destroying the world
ill go around with a metal bat
since robots dont bleed
then ill build a TRANSFORMER
ROBOTS IN DISGUISE
lol

12:22amMe
lol

12:22amThomas
wtf.
LOL
HOW LONG DOES THISLAST
D:

12:22amMe
hahahaha omg you are going to have the best dreams tonight

12:23amThomas
lol
can i use you as a teddy bear?
cause i think im going to wake up late
cause of my rollercoster dream!

12:23amMe
... you dont have your own teddy bear?

12:23amThomas
its always the rollercoster dream when im fuckin late for school
IT NEVER ENDS

12:23amMe
hahhahahaa

12:23amThomas
OMFGGG
lol
but you would make a better teddy bear
we'd be like
partners in crime
lolol
reminds me of those cliche detective shows
where they make the really corny puns
after the detective analyzes the scene
lolol

12:25amMe
how would a teddy bear help you in crime

12:26amThomas
lol dude
were the best together

12:26amMe
riiiiiiiight. try again.

12:27am
Thomas
blahh
i need to do mah hww
my hw conquers all thoughts at random times

Gravity

omfg. this songgg is STUCK IN MY HEAD. Im like...breathing this song right now. idk why its so deeply engraved into my head. the last song that got me so bad would be Guns and roses- estranged. well listen to it while i continue my post.


Contradicting the lyrics of that song i feel great. I have that unrest shit against cung but thats w/e noone & nothing is feeding the fire since i have no need to talk t him anyways. Last thing he did that bugged the shit out of me was he was in the group i was with and i kinda was working then looked up and asked the group "does anyone know how long it woud take to walk from neu to ___*forgot where" but people shook their head, cung looked up at me and through his body language it looked like he wanted to say something but decided not to as i continued to stare at him and he ignored me. im like..wow way to ignore me. haha. anywho. thats to get out the bad news first, see? its not bad. good news. the process to get into neu for next year is on the MOVE its great and im part of it. two days ago i went to training with richard lopez. he has a interesting character and i promised him i would follow him to practice one day because i too have a passion for martial arts. i did mostly cardio. the most painful exercises would have to be the pyramid punches. (punching up to 20 by going 1,1-2,1-2-3,1-2-3-4, etc. after hitting up to 20, going down from 19 again) you can say...ALOT OF FREAKIN PUNCHES lol we did this on each arm. it like..destroyed my arms haha. another painful exercise was the...i forgot what type of kicks. but think of how you swim, you alternate kicks in a fast motion. imagine doing exactly that except standing up, and kicking boxing pads which are placed low in front of your feet. we had to do that for two mins twice. and it hurt even worse cause since i trained with rich we had to hold the boxing pads for one another. and kneeling after the exercise is llike...painful. lol. most of the other exercises consisted of squats and mostly lower body stretching exercises both of use were cringing leaving red tiger dojo. lol. shotokan karate :].

Oh funny story! last night after the training lol. i fell asleep on kevins bed, its a bunk bed and its raised like..5-6 feet off the floor. lol me rich and conor were laughing so hard at this story later cause i was soo out of it. lol conor was asleep but he heard it and kinda saw a body fall lolol cause he sleeps right under me. and rich saw it cause i was like...shuffle..roll..roll roll *splat* lol. i was so out of it too from exhaustion. this is when it got super funny cause i was super sleepy but i felt pain all over my body like someone punched my face, legs feet body all at the same time i had the wind knocked outof me and curled into a ball, but fell asleep quickly after lolol. 5 mins later i woke up and went to the mirror cause my body started to burn due to the pain and i walk outside the bathroom, the mirror says i was fine. and i asked rich, "why was i sleeping on the floor?" and he was like..lololol you rolled off the bed. and i was like..ohh no wonder but i was so sleepy that i got back on the bunk and slept. my muscles were too tired so i kinda..stepped on conor :x lolol. the morning after funniest shit ever cause we were talking about it and its silence day (be silent for 24 hours to raise awareness of sucide or something like that) and conor was doing it so he couldnt express his emotions when he was asking, why did you step on me?! lolol. he's such a funny guy cause he started pouting and point at my feet. haha. i vaguely remember stepping on him and hearing him grunt. lolol. but i do. and that was halarious XD yeah..my elbow hurts now cause i landed right on my right elbow. lol but good times.

anywho what else? idk i feel free i feel alive. i feel like i have control because i dont feel the need to talk to girls AT ALLL. I think about like. the cutest girl i know and they all go to friend. im like..Yes! pressure of life goal and seriously wait as i enjoy whats in front of me. well, recently ive been smoking more often. I bought my first pack ever sunday april 11,2010 lol. dude its taking me a while to finish. there is 20 in a pack and i only smoked half of it. after a week. thats about little less than 2 a day. my smokes are going to go bad before i can finish the pack XP im around my friends too much so i cant just whip one out. haha

Paintballingggg omfg i went paintballing for free and it was soo fun. idk if i got any kills. but it felt awesome to be shuffling aorund like a boss with a gun in my hand. haha me evan and conor went together and in the second to last match i was the last one standing (so i think i did get at least 2 kills) and the last round evan was the second to last one. he looked badass haha. cause it was him against like..2 others. he lost but he took out alot of guys. haha. i go a paintball bruise! i was about to surrender but i look at the impact point after taking cover again and realize it didnt break on me so i was like..word and aimed at the person that tried to kill me. lol. i got head shoted like..4 times. lol chest shot twice and fingers/arm twice. and the four headshots was in a matter of like..two rounds. because i slid behind cover at the beginning of the match and looked behind me at evan, be was opening himself over the cover so i was like. looks like im safe to peek and start firing. i didnt shoot a single shot that round cause right when i peeked there was a guy in prone and he just..rained on my face. lol he was aiming for evan but i took all the shots XD. it sucked cause like..2-3 hit my head haha.

Acedemics, im keeping up with :] its great i only have about 1-2 classes a day and its in the morning so i get out before 12. awesomeeee haha. I WANT MY FUCKIN A's. I was at curry doing my hw recently and he was like comeon, lets play pool. an im like.sure but later. hes like why? and i was like. i Really want to get some work done right now. and everyone looked up at me and i was like...what? and they were like...that sounded so ridiculousy genuine like you REALLY WANTED TO GET YOUR FUCKIN WORK DONE. lol and im like yeh. so i didnt play pool :]. and yes, i got work done. haha. Well, enjoy the song!

Chi

so meditation will soon become a great part of my life as i notice my life stabilizing. i found this really cool blog post and ive done the excerise (very sloppy but getting better after each try)http://smallab.parsons.edu/blog/?q=node/13 Its taichi :] i feel as if once i memorize the stances and work on my breathing meditation will follow. idk the type of meditation im looking for isnt relaxing, its productive. its a level above. which allows me to get into my head. idk if this can help me find myself as a person but its a lead so ill take it. umm short post cause its 5 am and im procrastinating. i have a paper to finish. Ps i just finished talking to selin and shes comin to the states for college. i think i showed a bit too much excitement for someone talking to another that havent spoken in a while. i hope she doesnt think im too much but i do miss her. haha. i also went paintballing for free and i had soo much fun!:D what else. mehh essay time. :] ill elaborat later

Love

Well. I ended the Term with two D's and one B. meh.i knew it was going for the worse, is it a problem that when i saw my grades it did not phrase me?. Perhaps its because it ate my insides during the whole time before i even saw it. By the time the grades materialized the bandaid has already been ripped off, if you will. Im on my april break right now. i ended my semester at the beginning of this week, April 3rd, and since then So much has happened. I sit here currently in Kevin's dorm, again its 8:05 am and i did not sleep a wink last night. I told myself i would not in order to get ready for sunday night, where i expect to sleep at 11pm to ready for the summer semester. this semester, the straight B's i got the smester previous of this WILL turn to A's. I have no stress to hold me back anymore. no 2.9 borderline shit that keeps me constantly worrying too much. im actually satisfied with my 2.4. I will continue at NEU with my 2.4, because i will get A's. Alot has changed within me in the past month, it was inevitable. With stress comes change for me. Thats why there was a blog post where i said i wanted to stop blogging. i knew i did NOT want to blog during this period of time because it would be a ever fleeting image. Anywho, lets begin with the good. Love. I know i know but i dont know if i believe it with all my heart yet. i can sincerely love now. Unlike before where i probably defined love as something different, i dont want to get into it.

Right now, i believe love is all around me. It bugs me how i notice people try to force me back into my hole because they call me too optimistic about everything. They say i lie to myself when im being optimistic because im not thinking realisticly. What the fuck is the problem with that? Say i am lying to myself its not going to do any better being depressed about it, through either or perspective, i believe both understand that they must move forward and change. I want to grasp the idea again that optimism is good as long as i understand what is happening and the depth of the circumstances. Sorry for that little rant, i knew this concept before but its hard to grasp again because idk, i subconsciously will forever see myself as crap? But im optimistic. See that? thats not a lie unless i prove my optimism wrong. lol. anywho. im very grateful for the people that recently have been reaching out to me. There are many males and females that now reach out to me showing they want to KNOW me. i find that so fascinating. and apparently this girl says that she sees a glow in me that she never seen before when im with my best friend. I got a glow back!? thats awesome. It felt so great to hear that people see me and understand me. i've been trying hard to break out of my thoughts and be more down to earth and when i hear someone say "your face lights up in a way i never seen before" it makes me feel genuinely happy :] I also feel like im getting closer to mediating again, but i always say that ahah to be honest even me at my best would take me more than a year at least to find my center again but i do have spikes. Spikes that allow me to just sit completely sit and close my eyes and i would hear nothing but my heart beat even if you were right in front of me trying to talk to me. I love that feeling. This requires compassion so i feel glad in knowing im improving as a person.

Bad things? well worse thing in my book right now is Cung. Im starting to really like..abhor that guy. He's very immature and thinks he truely is superior of me. He's the type that would not consider a word that comes out of my mouth liable and shows no respect towards me whatsoever. But when someone else introduces the same exact thought or idea he comments and at least gives them credit. It annoys the shit out of me how he's so cliquey and he doesnt even know it but hes in his own little world and its ruining mine. Because now he hangs out with kevin A lot more. Like i said, kevin is like the loud obnoxious side of me. and i realized he has that characteristic inhim as well, the idea that he can create superiority. Me and kevin argue a lot more often now and i see Ben reflected through him more often and it bugs me because he does not know Shit about me. honestly, we are best friends and we may do everything together when we are together, but i know nothing about his life when we are apart. We just respect one another's privacy. This probably makes him feel obligated to judge a bit when i make no so witty remarks as him. its a problem, cung and kevin. Im able to talk to kevin and show him i can be serious so he knows not to judge me. but for cung its too late and its annoying as fuck to be around him and he doesnt acknowledges me. He reminds me of huy. For example, me and kevin's roomate bond muchhh better than me and kevin ever will. Me and kevin's roommate conor was messaging each other even though we were in the same dorm but different rooms and we were joking around like...i feel like doing push ups. so we went in the living room where kevin and cung were and we started doing pushups at 3 in the morning while the other roommate was asleep. Kevin and cung were Blasting Digimon and me and conor were giggling cause we were having fun doing push ups. the third roommate wakes up and in a serious tone kevin blames it on me and conors giggling even though they were watching episode after ep on speaker. Idk, i feel like Kevin is getting closer to cung cause Cung is so easily influenced and kevin likes to feel like he can control someone. He even said this to me. "cung probably looks down on you because you give the impression that you dont know what you are doing with your life. He thinks you are always this 24/7 optimist that lies to himself and youre never going to change for the better" we were in a mature setting so i took that respectfully. Yet, right afterwards he says "yeah cung is changing so much because of me, he is making thats what she said jokes and i convinced him to drink for the first time and etc etc., i cant change you cause you are just so stubborn" and i responded, "stubborn? i think its ironic how im looked at as inferior for knowing what i want in life by not allowing people to change me so easily. Yeah, cung really shows the attributes of a better of person by being influenced so easily" This conversation bugged the shit out of me. because it shows that kevin likes to feel like he "has changed someone for the better with his all knowing ego" and cung is actually a big fuckin joke and everyone knows that the next time cung flames me im going to set him straight. Ugh i hate cung right now pretty much. but my title is love. lol so i will end on a good note. three days ago i went to a hypnotist show for the first time and it really made me think about how people think treat others. I truely believe in the idea that you treat others the way you like to be treated. im glad that it it finally reach people that my crazy ready to socialize personality is not a creepy personality but a very friendly one. and they have complied and showed that they care about me too. Mostly in my life right now. its people and self. im worried about. Kevin has the biggest ego ive ever seen, like ben. and like ben, kevin has a quality which he specializes in which reels people in. for ben he has charisma. for kevin he has actual intellegence. but both of them have this bad case of need for superiority. i see similarities. :x well... as for girls in my life. im just so happy that people are reaching out to me now that im fine :].

too fuckin MUCH

lol so yay 20th post! sigh so. its april. fml. lol wellll vacation is here. umm idk *whips out standard template*.. dear diary, I hate my life. Sincerely, Thomas XP