Fuck that shit. Give me a shot!

Meh. as you might notice, my post arent of the most happiest right now. When are they ever? haha. Theyre always about oh.girls..blah blah blah..oh school..blah blah blah. family. Im in the mood where i really just want to say Fuck that shit. Since when did i ever let something bring me down? what happened to the thomas that thought reasonably and never got fustreated because i accepted the situations ahead of me and worked to improve them. I find myself mopeing about stupid shit alot now and well, its been happening a while now and its beginning to bug me. But to contradict, My neu program is interveiwing new applicants today and for some reason today when i walked into the room full of about 100 aplicants just to check it out and i got really mad at myself. I was mad because i was not the few student that was picked by the professors to speak in front of the students. Do i not qualify? well, of course i didn't since i was the one in the back not making a inspirational speach. That realllyyy bugged me. But it motivated me in a sense where i felt like showing them who is worthy. I've been spiraling downwards in my studies because of my lack of confidence, echoing that i cannot catch up since i already fucked up. My used-to-be stable grades in stats were dropping for a period of time and english continued to get worse. There is no good news or bright side to this. But it just made me so mad how i was not there, making a speech..it was one of those few moments in my life where i was jsut like..i cant be here right now i have to go because this is too much. bye. and i walk out because the students were applauding others. I guess this is a good sign? shows that im caring now. haha. But my work ethics refuse to comply. I have so much to learn that its fustrating. For example, whenever i do a paper..in order to do a good job i start super early. not because i know i can get it peer editted and shit. but because when im working on it i cant help but to get my focus knotted up on other things on my mind. I've become a hardcore procrastinator and so starting super early would allow me to do just a decent job and get it done just on time. Yesterday was when this style of working was not neu material and for the first time i was able to FOCUS even though people were literally laughing and playing music and shit around me. I've never been able to do that but it was too late, for the paper i was working on was due yesterday as well so my focus once again, only aalowed me to finish the paper with DECENT quality. on time. i fuckin hate that shit. I felt great while it was happening though, because i was completely focused on my work and i was able to still put my thoughts into the conversation around me that my friends were having, but never loosing my train of thought. Music helps me soo much when im working. Me without music was me when i was really focused and still talking but once i managed to borrow headphones from someone i went on a rampage. In the end i had to bullshit 2 pages though cause i lost my train of thought and didn't have anything left to say, cause i covered everything so nicely in a course of 3 other pages...idk. Im fuckin up all over. Now im in the library ready to seriously get something done early. This is a follow up on my moral old thomas had. I knew that i would most likely never be happy again myself because i will forever want what i dont have, but i survive for the people around me. My goal and dream before i die is to make as many people happy about themselves and their lives as possible. Thats probably why i was so mad that i wasn't able to make a speech. I lost an opportunity to satisfy part of my goal. Meh. but yeah...I guess i live off contradictions, its how i push forward. Take another contradiction of mine for example. Stephanie. I dont like her anymore. But kevin has been getting very close to her and she actually went over his dorm alone to bake cookies with him and she eventually took a nap in his bed while I was in class. Kevin knows i dont mind. We talked about this, I am one of those guys that are least likely to be dragged in and affected by emotions or attractions. Thats a fucked up lie. But im glad he thinks that. Cause now i feel like there is competition and kinda..unwillingly willing to accept his challenge. Meh. im a fucked up mess. But yeah. fuck that shit. give me a shot. I want too many things. and i feel that that phrase is perfect for my mood right now. I say fuck it but i want it. But at the same time i want something different/better for myself. Very broad statement i know. but it sums it up. What else?...humm..I got new glasses! zzz idk. I had a dream of suicide last night. :x it wasnt a sad dream either it was the scene from the book NIGHT where the little boy was hanged and everyone stood there and watched. I was a willing marytr. I dont want that for myself. But i kinda do at the same time. Idk where this blog post is going. its full of contradictions between motivation, pestimitic views, bullshit, but a yearning to do better. Last night i studied for my stats test and redid the practice test this morning...if anything it wa the only completely good thing i did recently. cause it helped alot when the test was put in front of me. like i said to Kevin after i lost to pool to him one day, then to him roommate in Tekken. i said "Fuck that shit! im going to go study, cause i can never lose if im studying!" haha. it was a joke that was actually very true. I hope that it will be a new way i look at studying so that i can get myself to do it more than ever. I really want this year to be over with. zzz but at the same time i ant it to continue cause never have i ever contradicted myself so much. its helping me grow. I like it. Fuck you.