500 days of summer

I fuckin love that movie. I know exactly how the main character,coincidentally named Thomas as well, feels. i understood how he felt when he woke up everyday for 500 days, how he slept, what he did...just everything. It sucks cause i was in his shoes before. I bring it up even though it is a old memory to me because i just watched it for the 5th time with my sister. haha. Well. This title didnt have much significance so im going to write a casual post. These should help project how my life is without all the moody moments. I feel like right now im gliding. Im not over motivated but i have work in front of me. Im not much interested in girls right now after the most recent one. Im just focusing on steadying my life..getting better at pool and improving in anyway. Pool has become my anti-drug. I recently beat the best person at neu, bo. and some of the big boys like Dave and the other asian bo. Its crazy how im on their level because i would have never seen it coming. It has only been several months and i still have the rest of four years of college. My billards future holds great confidence and i hold onto it tightly. Academics is like gears again. i need to actually move one gear to get the other gears moving. and its a gradual process. Winter vacation was too long and i stayed away from the books too long. I dont see myself in a pickle though cause i know i can excel. and i will. Well, even though it was only recently where i was just..suffering cause i couldnt find a girl, im pretty calm right now. Why? cause im having fun toying with Anh. This girl was the most recent one i wanted to get with. I think its safe to say personality wise were are pretty compatible. I am a ery compatible person if a girl makes effort. but in this case compatible is used very loosely because we can text back and forth and talk for a long time cause shes cool but i found out recently tanks to her own mistake of not realizing me that she has a terrible personality. For the longest time i talked to her and gradully tried to win her heart cause she knew i used to like her and thought i was a creep. (i HONESTLY dont remember liking her though..or even talking to her much at all) anywho. i thought i was doing a good job but i gave up shortly before she texted me saying "btw, i dont like my manager anymore, i fell for this other guy...he's my coworker" and i lol when i find out this guy is the worse guy ever. i mean he tells her that hes the gf type...but he slept with several girls before..and apparently he keeps her updated. lol. hes a fool. and this is when i saw her true colors cause she couldnt help but to fall for him. haha now im comforting him.. (less than a week after hearing his name in the first place) and shes distraught about him and doesnt know if she should break it off "since he was soo nice and sweet to her" which honestly...i probably treated her 10x better. im not complaining though cause through the recent conversation she showed how weak and naive she is about guys. Completely turn off. Now i dont text her unless she texts me. Since a girl did this to me before, i noticed how effective this is to say "you fail at life so fuck off" politely. lol. after a while she'll get tired of trying to start the text everyday. ehh. Im having fun comforting her whenever she initiates a text cause unless shes really stupid she'll see i was always better. Not to be cocky but when i want a girl i basically consider myself in a relationship already...and i prioritize. So no its not cockiness i do put alot of effort into it. haha. anywho shes going to most likely fall for me but its too late cause i dont like her anymore and i know shes weak and dependent and immature. She'll thank me if what im doing helps her mature. ehh. thats in the back of my head. What i've actually been thinking alot about is what i want. What i want my future to show. Do i still want a home all to myself with a big field and a dog named scruff? I talked to phi recently on the phone. We talked very casually. I was in a good mood so i wanted to hang out with her since i was at moses's dorm in BU. its w/e. she was at home. zzzz...im addicted to Kings of convenience right now. i have this song on loop called Boat behind by Kings of convenience :] i love this band right now.

there is a problem i want to admit but it will hurt if i say it..kinda like pulling a knife out of my gut. But i beated around the bush enough and tried to not get myself to write about it for long enough. soo. I hate psychology. i love it cause its EXACTLY what i meant when i said the word "thinker" in past entries, coincidentally psychologist use the same term to describe themselves. for the past like..decade. literally ive been a psychologist and didnt know it. the only difference is they have terms and confine themselves by using them. Im free to connect the thoughts and endless types of psychological studies because there is no such thing as structuralism and fundamentalism in my head..there is only life. i see it as a puzzle in the making. they see it as a puzzle already done. Thats why the textbook is different..and why the ideas are still being disputed. eh. it hurts to admit it. cuse what i had was a talent. i probably wasnt destined to be a fuckin engineer but an actual philosopher. unfortunately i didnt blog before 2007. or more like i couldnt. i purposely threw it away and now every tuesday and thursday i have to student exactly what i wasted a decade of my life on. it sucks. and its too fuckin ironic

Love is no big truth

...i cant do this. I want to rip off my skin. This shell is an obstacle. I dont know what i want anymore. I want to be naked and feel comfortable...its so hard to write right now..but i wanted to for so long...im suffering. Someone hug me. These smiles will not last forever... insanity seeps in. What a familiar feeling. It shakes my bones to life...In the end insanity drives me.

Yume

Yume is japanese for dream. i had a vivid dream last night that was so real and so graphic that i woke up seriously not expecting to be in a bed in a city. lol the first thought i had was omfg. it was all a dream. then second thought was omfg im actually afraid of death. third was i need to blog MEOW. but now im blogging almost twelve hours later so its all a bit scattered. It took place in eqypt and we lived in the mud clay huts. inside the huts were actually spacious and nice with window curtains and glass. and a sink and sofa. Not anything like the house i live in now which is unusual and convinced the sleeping self this wasnt a dream cause my imagination usually didnt have the creativity to create something so perfect. If i had a sketch pad i would post the blueprint of the house. it was one floor and there was a screen door and a wooden front door in the kitchen. much like the one at home except the door was more flimsy looking. the kitchen was big there was a U shaped counter that faced you once you entered the door and there was a nice litle round table. with a flower sitting in a single vase. there was no fridge. if you walked the complete opposite direction of the kitchen there was the living room. this was a spacious rectangular room that had windows along the wall that the foor door was on. The connection between the kitchen and front door and living room was not so fancy it was a sliding doorway. There was something beyond the living room but i forgot. if you walked in from the front door and looked straight there would be a really longg hallway. omfg like really long but well lit. The first door on the left was a verrry skecthy basement. it was made for rituals and it gave me the fuckin creeps. bed rooms were vague i dont remember how they looked cause i didnt go into them. but on the end it would hook right and the doorway to the bathroom was pretty much pointing back at where the living room was. Once i entered the dream i was in the kitchen drinkin milk and it was a very tense atmosphere, war was upon us and the god was said to choose his soldiers with the rising of the fire red sun. or something like that. I had a really bad feeling about it and sre enough. i was choosen. It was no normal thing though. the god, which is VERY powerful and can get into the peoples heads and speak to you its kinda like avatar but this god was a douchebag. cause he didnt care about humans he wanted them to die pretty much but he needed soldiers so he was like..become my soldier or ill kill your whole family and it would be in a very gruesome fashion. I find out the gods motive not through him telling me, i heard a bit of it in my head but my will was too strong so weak people like my mother were possessed and she relayed the message to me. Back to me sitting at the kitchen table. i was looking out the window at the flower on the table, funny thing is i cannot remember it cause i was daydreaming, and i look up and my mom has knife in hand possessed and coming for me. My sisters were in the living room and they knew it was the god and that it was only comin for me, i was the solider that did not listen to orders. my sisters tripped my mom and tried to hold her down and what not and i franticly run out the open door. The view was so fuckin beautiful. it was almost like me were on a cliff but it was just a gradual steep hill and it was a HUGE village. aside from the last few 20 miles to the horizons it was all mut clay huts. and i remember glancing at all the rooftops as i run to the back of the house where there was a forest. of sorts something bushy. I run into them and my mom was not far behind at all, she had a arkward but hastly limp to her like zombies in the movie and of course in fear i trip and im enfulfed with the sense of fear and death at that moment. she advances and i manage to dodge and run back into the house and i hoped i had enough of an advance that she didnt see me, i run down the long hallway and hide behind the bathroom door. she of course follows and just as she comes in i close the door and run back out. my sisters are there to asist me and i begin to cry in her arms saying that im a fighter and i dont want to die. Apparently people like me, why have strong wills and cannot hear the gods words so clearly have this overwhelming hatred for the god that dictates. I knew that being a soldier was a sure death and i would rather fight the god than fight beside him. and i keep saying im a fighter and cry in lauries arms as she comforts me. the next morning i wake up and im in my bedroom. hey..actually i was in my bedroom. and i was packing the utmost necessity socks a couple torn brown raggy shirts and some pants and a pair of boots. I had a really sharp scimitar knife that i took. it was a beautiful knife. kinda like the one in prince of persia it was around 15 inches long and the hilt was hand length round and it had jems embeded in it. like something you would see from egypt. the blade was long and curved and it almost looked as if it was double edged. i stare at it for it seemed like forever with my head ready to explode with the stress..i wanted to go against god but i was still packing my still anyways. fear and hopelessness was all i had. I walk out with a duffle in hand and knife strapped to my chest. I was still very scared and my parents were standing there in front of the doorway my dad was in a very tribal like outfit with a strong demenor, i didnt sense any pride or sadness from him. Rather a "it has to be done." I thought to myself in the dream i dont care that my family doesnt care im leaving cause im so scared. ive never been so afraid of death. I glance outside the living room window and the red sun was rising. at the sun rised red as red as blood began to cover the sky, and although it was a beautiful view..it was terrifying because it showed the gods power to dominate the sky. If the soldier did not leave for war before the red sun rised everyone in the family would die, counting the soldier originally assigned. I was trapped between death inside, death outside, and death rebeling. The killing has already begun and it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. i dont want to leave this house i dont want to die. some clay huts were on fire near the horizon and the north wind carried the smoke and stormed our house. Almost like a natural threat. everyone in my family raced to a window and pulled down the shades to hold it down cause the wind was so strong it would have ruined everything in the house. The smoke was suffocating everyone as well and it was almost a challenge to hold down the window curtains. I fall to the floor and i wake up. Glad to be alive.fml

Electricityscape.

Well, for starters, my music is changing into something i can no longer direct. The strokes to me right now is my favorite band, unfortunately it isnt as close to me as atreyu was back then. But i can listen to them forever. This song of theirs, Electricityscape. I found the title so interesting, just like the lyrics and for the longest time i did not understand it until i was browsing on youtube and one of the comments under the music video said, "did you know a synonym for electricity is current?" once i read that it dawned on me..current escape. To escape from present time. I find this title most fitting for my mood i want to display through this blog post. I feel like I'm sinning by making this confession. I want to love. this urge in choking the sunlight out of my days. I want to escape from all of it though..because i know this feeling would do me no good. All i wanted in life was knowledge..a cottage perhaps..and a dog named scruff. These emotions that are beginning to enter me are like someone is twisting a knife in my gut. It makes me weak. It makes me ask people for help. I hate that. What bugs me is i cannot direct these emotions to anyone. zzz i dont want to seem desperate, cause im not. Im not sure what i want. im almost positive im scared of commitment but i would die to throw myself into someones arms. I find this ironic, how people say, " in order to love another you must first love yourself." I love myself so much i couldn't let myself find another else even if i did. I respect myself too much. But it was my duty to find someone new. Life works in a cycle and i knew in order to completely finish my cycle i have to live happy with another at least once in my life. I want to just be happy with someone else now damnit so i can get it out of my system get love out of my system and live single. Recently, there was a girl in my life. (like go fuckin figure, ive been throwing myself everywhere like i was buying tickets for a raffle, hopefully the more canidates the more likely i would find someone)but i only have so much energy in me to commit time into one girl. Girls are such douchebags, they dont have to care about anything while the guy has to have all the game and gradually charm the girl. fuck this shit. Then they end up leading you on until you realize your nothing but a fuckin tool. sigh* im done ranting. 2000..its been a decade. can i PLEASE PLEASE just like..last steps. i dont even really consider this part of the process anymore cause im so close to the end. this is just..the end of the cycle. sigh* fuck idk what to do with my life. i swear if another girl screws with my head. im slapping the shit out of her. lol.