Reflection, Meditation, and Explosion.

*scroll down and click play before you start reading, this entry is all about that song and i timed it so by the time you finish reading, the song will be almost over :] this will give you the entirety of the entry* Lol, this song i dont know what its about, but i remember it helped me meditate back in the day. It is in japanese and i have no idea what its saying but idk, any song that directly helped me meditate i the past has this feel connected to it that never fades since it pretty much holds ME. When one meditates they understand themselves completely and if skilled enough, can do almost anything to themselves and their mind with enough willpower in this meditation stage. Tinkering with mental instincts, thus changing personality traits and possibly purposely hurting yourself. Since thoughts of such a deep caliber can only be touched in the meditating stage once you stop meditating its stuck there until the next time you meditate, and by then it would have mixed and caused change in other aspects of your personality in order to find its place. Its a powerful process and to have a song playing through this process means it captures the essence of it all and fossilizes it. :P So well, i haven't listened to this song in so long and i decided id listen to it cause it popped into my head during prom night. Well im listening to it now and yeah..powerful stuff. A lot of anger and unsettling feelings. It made me remember the Extremes of my personality. How everyday in the past id feel as if i wanted to rip out my hair and smash my head on some table because there were so many thoughts in my head. By the time i learned to mediate it was like ripping superglue off skin cause everything was such a organized mess. Lol. You might have heard me complain about this hundreds of times, i mean my thoughts have been all i talk about deeply since fuckin.7 years ago. But every time i forget and remember again its like a kick in the face. Waking up every morning with stress probably equivalent to watching one of your love ones get hit by a train. It kinda sucked. But it was business..a factory. If i meditated too much i would have nothing to grow upon because meditating just puts thoughts to rest and tells them you understand and you can move on kinda thing. I loved my anger but i needed to meditate with complete control to get rid of only the small things that bugged me. Ehh...feeling that massive restraint again made me miss the good old days. When life was my game and i thought all i needed to do was to understand it. So yeah. This song im about to post...allows me to feel how i was back then when i meditated. Extreme polar feelings in one moment. It made me anger sad glad laugh adrenaline rush washes it away and it would repeat he cycle. Its funny how even though i remember the feeling of meditating and completely understanding how to manually just, switch on my own world because of this song. I remember all the emotions involved in order to do it but i cannot meditate anymore. Im a completely different person that would take years of understanding in order to reach that stage again. Probably more than 5 years. I learned how to meditate the first time in like..2-3 years XDD. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I think meditating beats any drug. ehh. well enjoy.


Edit: now that im reading the entry over and listening to the song. I cant quite put my finger on what time period was my meditating was so painful. It would make sense if it fossilized the meditation that occurred around 13-15ish years old cause thats when i meditated the most but im realizing during the meditation there was a happy feeling. I understand that during that time period, i was completely flooded with anger though. i think it was the meditation itself that had the power enough to overwhelm all the angry emotions. Matter of fact it wasn't the meditation that gave me that glad laughing feeling because that pure feling is very recogizable now that i think about it... but there was HOPE. I had alot of hope for change back then....wow....A LOT. Actually, that does make sense. Since it was the same period of time i decided to loose my emotions. Finding out at age 15-16 that met loosing my memories. lol. Man this is like. ridiculous flashback-ing. lol. I had unshakable hope though when i meditated, i think that is why i learned how to meditate so well so quickly. Humm..ill write that down.