Opportunity.

For a while now, I've been witnessing some serious distress because my friend, Colin, is helping me question my beliefs. My beliefs on who i am, and who i was that i dont quite remember. Ever since R0SE5 it was clear that i cannot and will not continue the same dangerous lifestyle because it was a huge sacrifice of self that probably wasnt worth it. Well, through growth ive learned to combine both thomas's just enough so that they can live separate and in harmony. New thomas during the day, and Old thomas at night when necessary. Well, since ive changed so much, and actually feel that the Old thomas does too much thinking. The only way to feel affection again is to remove the Old thomas but that will take wayyy too much and i quite frankly, dont want to do it. So i guess i will live happy with prostitutes and hoes. lol. But even though i cannot fully express affection through fear of the irregular clash between old thomas and new thomas. I can still flirt and get aquianted with girls very well. The only problem is that like, when it goes pass base 1 its like. NO XD. cant do it. lol. idk. well. This kinda brings me to the opportunity i have and CRAP now my friend saw my blog name ABORT ABORT lol

Edit: lol well funny thing is that i wasnt at home, and i tried the unthinkable, which was to type on my blog while out biking with moses and moses was like...Ooh blog im not going to read it let me just see...okay ROSES got it. and im like..what?1 CRAP lol. well luckily on google it ONLY shows up if the 0 is a zero not a "OH" lol. so R0SE5 is letter number letter letter number..hopefully he only saw the last number lol. Well, i didnt want to minimize it whenever we talked cause that is one of my biggest petpev that some people do. its like..wtf is up with your life that it must be SOO secretive lol. like sometimes a friend would be like..texting next to me or something and ill be like wassup? and they like..look at me and turn their phone at a irregular angle and give me that "WTF nosy." look lol and it makes me feel like the bad guy! gosh. lol. So thats why i didnt minimize it whenever moses went by, even though if he read a single entry it woulda been a completely mindfuck for him. He has known me for 7 years and doesnt know me at all. lol. I like my bls friends because of that. They can get personal and stuff but unless its not asked for or its not about someone else in the group that might start group conflict its fine. lol. Well to follow up on the last edit. OPPORTUNITY lol. I "got high" about 2 days ago...for the first time and got the hang out of it. It was me and Pam at maverick and we "apple bowled" lol aka we used a apple to smoke instead of a blunt..or a pipe...well yeah interesting thing. She was pretty high off her ass but i was just kinda ehh. I couldnt remember a sentence for shit, but i was still very intact...and i had several very big hits. idk. I want to say that im kinda immune to it because i knew how to mediate....idk, i kno i know i must relate everything i do back to some weird part of my philosophy. lol but its true. high gives kinda the same effect as meditating accept in a different fashion. The difference is that you feel good but you dont have any control. lol. For meditating is 1) its MUCH stronger XD and 2) you get to control your thoughts. so its better muhc better in every aspect. lol. The hilucinations people rumor getting when they are high are thoughts that they formulated and solidified o.O...like. if i wanted to hear a dog bark when im meditating. i think about how a dog barks and it would form and itd be such a fuckin good lie to my head that when i think it its literally as if i hear it and its coming from behind me. or w/e. lol. stuff like that. you can screw with your head when your meditating and control it. I got over the fear of ghost that way lol. i "saw a real ghost" scare the shit out of me...but hey it sorta worked. lol. thats how i got over the fear of heights too..sorta..lol..and spiders..sorta..lol. this was all very solid when i was old thomas but now new thomas has more emotions and instincts of a human being. so ehh..the strength wore off. lol. but so what? now i cant COMPLETELY jump off a bridge without fear but ehh im closer than many other people. lol ENOUGH DIGRESSION. lol. where was i?..right. getting high. For me it was overrated. if pam got high before me thats ridiculous and i showed the symptoms like more daydreaming, droopy eyed, tingling feeling, uhh..memory loss. but dude, i covered all these feelings in like..the pass 5 entries xD lol so idk. See! its good to experience shit and now i know not to waste money of weed. lol. just meditate and FUCK YOURSELF UP XD. lol. That isnt the opportunity i speak of though, cause well..thats not an opportunity since opportunity is future tense. Now i shal speak in future tense! in the future, i quote myself, "something will happen." lol. I will not write it on blog YET!...because like i said in pass entries whatever you say think smell taste hear touch becomes real or fake..once you annouce it. Its true, once you announce something such as "this shit stinks" you, in the future will always remember (this smell=stinks) lol get it? so i refuse to officalize the opportunity. Unlike humans i am still able to THINK unbias-ly. so as long as i dont write it down or something im fine. lol. Okay another opportunity. Is for me to see how much i can, figuratively speaking, rev my engine before it like..combust. lol. You see i have a Very high tolerance for anger but never have i ever actually physically expressed it because well, quite frankly i have a very good system that works like that little hole in your sink. If the water begins to overflow and touch the top of that sink bowl its okay cause theres that hole thats forever not clogged and lets the water escape. And so i never overflow..with anger. Its impossible for me, and that sink to overflow. unless you clog that second hole. Get me?! lol. well opportunity has come about and i want to see how i am at 110%. this will be fun cause naturally im already 95% ready for death lol. who know when im angry itll be like me just stabbing a knife through my own chest lol. itll be fun though. i've been working out too so i want to see how much physically strength i have with my mental strength combined. I want to fight someone...and i know exactly who. Quite frankly...im ready to kick his ass..literally with my hands tied behind my back. Because i dont care about pain nor winning or loosing. its the thrill. and if i tie my hands behind my back and let him punch me i wonder what will happen after i get up from hat blow. lol cause then you have Physical, turning on mental...then followed with mental pain killers comes the offensive which is my adrenline rush then BOOM rocket launcher. lol. itll actually be best if my hands are tied. lol. the old thomas will have his day at last.