idk

So there is SO much to blog about. my fucking god. i dont know where to start and i might have to just type about it in another entry. Im typing this blog cause i cracked. I realized my life isnt going good for me at all. Theres nothing i want yet i want so much. Im bipolar and its driving me nuts. Just after a summer search reunion i snapped...cause i realized i was suddenly jealous and sad cause Van (my ex) might be going out with someone else in the program. This sudden rush of emotion was so unsettling that i had to leave early. Why am i jealous/sad about this? My theory is weird. its probably because shes beautiful..inside and out. Thats why she was my gf regardless of how bipolar she was. I think she changed and she grew to be more beautiful than before. Now she has found a guy i feel is a man because he is a good friend of mine and i know he can and will treat her right. Thats why im jealous/sad. I am attracted to her slightly. But why am i not the usual thomas and just be happy for those that are happy? thats what i do. This is the first time i felt like this and happiness is being sucked out of me because ever since the last post i feel like everything has been going nowhere but down. I held my poise. Sigh* its not holding so steadfast. I need something to occupy me besides pool and reading because its depressing. I dont feel productive. I also lost all sight of meditation completely and have no focus. This drives me nuts cause now i have nothing to turn to. This happened due to the fact that if i do meditate and i do find myself then i will make a choice and choose myself or people. I can no longer see gray after hurting so much. What to do thomas what to do? what happen to the cup always half full? what happened to making as many people happy as possible. Now i hurt everyone i touch and i continue to as i become more bipolar. I've been trying to hide the fact that i am spiraling but when i realized i became jealous/sad seeing van. that completely threw me off. Idk. Its probably my music. Ive been listening to White Lies alott and it is quite depressing lyrics but the songs are so beautiful so they just perpetuate the situation lol. Im a mess. I dont know if anyone can help me. I dont know if i can help myself. Wtf is going on?

45th post

I dont believe it. ive posted more than double almost triple of what i ever could imagine. It shows stablility because i can only post when Im not confused or in a mental state of chaos. If you havent noticed ive been posting less though. Thats because ive been trying to quit smoking. And because of multiple other things. Why am i such a fuckin depressed person? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy living. lol. Its hard. Fuck. my adrenaline rush is so inconsistent so i find myself needing to smoke more or les now. I need to stop feeling so depressed. I hate this feeling. I was never depressed before i became human because whenever i felt sad it would either completely dissipate or i'd find it fueling my anger. Wtf. wtf. can someone slap me? i dont need a hug i dont need anyone. I just want to be happy with who i am..im just sitting here at work right now. zzzz. This chapter of my life: depression. Fml. Lets see if i can make shit happen

turmoil

This is perhaps the only time ever since my last blog post where i feel something so strongly that i can write about it. I wanted to write something several times now because of the crazy shit thats happen to me but every time i look at the prvious blog post i realize that that is the problem right now and that is what i should be worrying about, everything else became obsolete. Just now there is another feeling that trumps the distress the last one caused and the last problem wasn't considered shit compared to the feeling i have now. In fact, i changed my life goal because i feel as if theres no need to meditate or find a girl, thats unnecessary for me. What im feeling right now is how people feel when every path leads to a bad ending. I have this haunting feeling that ive reached a threshold and regardless of which way i go, im fucked. It makes me very troubled and anxious. I hope this clears up and i find a way out by the end of today, hopefully the end of the week.