hopefail?

so right, for the past month ive been injected with motivation and determination..source?..the drive to just fuckin do. Ive been introduced to something new though, that which i had experience several times so far. And just like the other things ive experienced that i cannot find online or in any book, i give it a name myself. One that metaphorically makes the most sense. I call this one Drowning. why?. because 1) its nothing good and 2) every time i experience it it gets worse and worse. like water filling up into your lungs. Cause literally my thoughts stop and stress builds up to the past Thomas level, one that a human mind like mine now can no longer even comprehend. lol. It basically feels like that feeling when you just cant fuckin find a comfortable position to sleep. And as you try to fix it, you provoke it even more. and it just gets worse. At the moment, its the only thing that stops me from going full throttle that i know of. All other obstacles have become. Obsolete. This type of isolation is such a high level that it cannot be classified as high or low because unlike the isolation that happened a couple years back, in which i MADE. This happened rather naturally through my body language and just..plan lifestyle. It became so perfect that noone really cares about me anymore. Which is fascinating. um. the question thats actually growing now. Is how long im planning to live. Nothing depressing much. Just stressful because it reminds me that for a boy of my age, i shouldnt feel as if i experienced everything avalible in life. or even close to it. its sad. Poor me. I started with 60-70, But with these drownings ive lowered the age to 55 lol. Ill be happy if i live 55 years.