idk

So there is SO much to blog about. my fucking god. i dont know where to start and i might have to just type about it in another entry. Im typing this blog cause i cracked. I realized my life isnt going good for me at all. Theres nothing i want yet i want so much. Im bipolar and its driving me nuts. Just after a summer search reunion i snapped...cause i realized i was suddenly jealous and sad cause Van (my ex) might be going out with someone else in the program. This sudden rush of emotion was so unsettling that i had to leave early. Why am i jealous/sad about this? My theory is weird. its probably because shes beautiful..inside and out. Thats why she was my gf regardless of how bipolar she was. I think she changed and she grew to be more beautiful than before. Now she has found a guy i feel is a man because he is a good friend of mine and i know he can and will treat her right. Thats why im jealous/sad. I am attracted to her slightly. But why am i not the usual thomas and just be happy for those that are happy? thats what i do. This is the first time i felt like this and happiness is being sucked out of me because ever since the last post i feel like everything has been going nowhere but down. I held my poise. Sigh* its not holding so steadfast. I need something to occupy me besides pool and reading because its depressing. I dont feel productive. I also lost all sight of meditation completely and have no focus. This drives me nuts cause now i have nothing to turn to. This happened due to the fact that if i do meditate and i do find myself then i will make a choice and choose myself or people. I can no longer see gray after hurting so much. What to do thomas what to do? what happen to the cup always half full? what happened to making as many people happy as possible. Now i hurt everyone i touch and i continue to as i become more bipolar. I've been trying to hide the fact that i am spiraling but when i realized i became jealous/sad seeing van. that completely threw me off. Idk. Its probably my music. Ive been listening to White Lies alott and it is quite depressing lyrics but the songs are so beautiful so they just perpetuate the situation lol. Im a mess. I dont know if anyone can help me. I dont know if i can help myself. Wtf is going on?

45th post

I dont believe it. ive posted more than double almost triple of what i ever could imagine. It shows stablility because i can only post when Im not confused or in a mental state of chaos. If you havent noticed ive been posting less though. Thats because ive been trying to quit smoking. And because of multiple other things. Why am i such a fuckin depressed person? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy living. lol. Its hard. Fuck. my adrenaline rush is so inconsistent so i find myself needing to smoke more or les now. I need to stop feeling so depressed. I hate this feeling. I was never depressed before i became human because whenever i felt sad it would either completely dissipate or i'd find it fueling my anger. Wtf. wtf. can someone slap me? i dont need a hug i dont need anyone. I just want to be happy with who i am..im just sitting here at work right now. zzzz. This chapter of my life: depression. Fml. Lets see if i can make shit happen

turmoil

This is perhaps the only time ever since my last blog post where i feel something so strongly that i can write about it. I wanted to write something several times now because of the crazy shit thats happen to me but every time i look at the prvious blog post i realize that that is the problem right now and that is what i should be worrying about, everything else became obsolete. Just now there is another feeling that trumps the distress the last one caused and the last problem wasn't considered shit compared to the feeling i have now. In fact, i changed my life goal because i feel as if theres no need to meditate or find a girl, thats unnecessary for me. What im feeling right now is how people feel when every path leads to a bad ending. I have this haunting feeling that ive reached a threshold and regardless of which way i go, im fucked. It makes me very troubled and anxious. I hope this clears up and i find a way out by the end of today, hopefully the end of the week.

White Lies- Death

For i think..well..everyone in my life i dont think this would affect them enough to notice cause i barely actually TALK to anyone. Not after i argued with Hoac, i dont even talk with her everyday anymore. I've decided to follow through with it. With my unstable personality, There is nothing left to do that's productive except focus on who i am right now. I hate hurting people. I hurt so many people with the thoughts i have in this blog. It sucks cause it never turned out right when i am honest with people. I want it to stop and i'm going to try to unlock that fighting spirit if i can again and dive straight into it. It will help me focus on my studies and further help me understand who i am, besides after hanging out with Han i realized that i cannot be attracted to anyone right now anyways. I lost control of who i can be attracted to and it just blocked out everyone now, male and female. I'm already in my own world whether i like it or not. After realizing this i bought a new pack of smokes. Its a very scary thought that i might just reverse everything i've gained up until now, not capable of fitting another life into mine. I have alot of friends and i realized that over the week. I hung out with don pam and han the last several days and planning to to to linda tran's bday on saturday. All of them knowing more about me than anyone has in a very long time and to think that i might not have the heart to even have the space for another in my life except this blog is frightening. It's where i belong and i miss it too much. :]. Besides its not like im going to be leaving like poof, ill be the same guy except my mindset will be completely changed. This emotion shit is too much. My passion to understand self and shoot for engineering is all i should care about. Once again im going to extreme but shit. People shit annoy me. My parents, sisters, and friends. They all piss me off and i thirst for constant liberation from nothingness.

lol such pessimistic views for someone that is so cheerful is now what i think all the time. I was sitting with Donvu and i was thinking aloud, coming to a realization, I am naturally probably the most pessimistic person, but im forever thinking of the cup half full when im around others. It fucking pisses me off because they dont understand that i can be very happy in my hole and sad thoughts but i take my experiences and thoughts as a gift. Its a burden placed on me for the likes of helping others. I'm happy all the time, not for me, but for YOU so that you can be happy even when shit is shoved back up your ass. Many do not appreciate this or respect my thoughts when i am actually honest with them. Or they just get hurt. A day after telling donvu this i realized how true this is because Han, knowing the person i am saw a INSTANT transformation when i met up with others with her, it was a awkward moments because she was following me because she was going to stay over and it was the other girls birthday so i wanted to hang out with her. I transform my personality naturally because i am able to bring together people as a group and keep them Even if they are clashing. I was acting loud and...different. because i was trying to accompany all three of the people in the group. It was awkward cause it was obvious that me and Han are not just friends, lets not get into that please.

So im going to rest for a bit. Close my eyes and open up my head, find out why i dont sleep at night and why i hurt everyone naturally with my thoughts. Its a serious problem. Life just isnt for me. I want an excuse to get as far away from it as possible while not giving up.

Sigh* what a pathetic pathetic life. Im going in circles. Which is why i wanted to stop this from happening but its so hard to that it creeped in with every crack it can find. I can just do another "Lie to myself to belief it doesnt exist until it becomes the truth" but fuck shit i've been doing that for so damn long who am i really? Im obsessed with philosophy. Im obsessed with my downfall. I want to perish with originality and elegance. I want to suffer. I want to die. I want others to be sad for me. Its the hard truth. But the willpower i wish to unlock i gain is not negative for the most part. It is me. It has the outward determination to push people forward in a positive way while taking a complete toll on body mind and soul. There is no need for survival mode in the city. haha. But i am absolutely obsessed with the the feeling of putting myself on the line. If i manage to throw myself back five years and write constant blogs about my suffering its because i love it. I love it more than any girl, materialistic item, and self. My god. What have i become?

White Lies- Death
....
I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drowned in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which route we take?
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who's driving this anyway? I picture my own grave
'cause fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me

Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I'll hit the ground
Well, the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies?
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?
I live on the right side, I sleep in the left
That's why everything has got to be love or death

Yes, this fear's got a hold on me
Yes, this fear's got a hold on me


Everything is a laughing matter!

TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?

omg. i finsihed one of the best animes yet this weekend. People chuckle and shit when i tell them i learn life lessons from anime's such as fullmetal alchemist but shit. This anime held such a strong message in a mere 27 episodes. Actually i had a philosophical epiphany afterward that was so massive it left me with a headache for the next couple hours and im still fighting. This blog isn't suppose to be as happy but thats show was SO AMAZING.

I'll explain why it shouldnt be so happy because well, I realized through the anime that the anger i felt right before i lost my memory..was so immense that the process had to happen in my sleep and i felt asleep and meditated sleeping to conserve as much energy as possible. I thought it was anger this whole time that i felt up into the end, but actually now that i felt it due to the anime and i look back. Its not anger i felt anymore that was only the tip of the iceberg. What i felt was immense willpower. They called it fighting spirit. This can automatically put me into a state of meditation and a very high level of it. Con? well, Think of fighting spirit as the feeling of adrenline rush + anger but perfected in perfect synchronization. Of course that doesnt simplify it anymore so here in pure english. Everything you do, you litterally put your LIFE into it. Such passion and the willingness to die is so great that the driving force is ridiculous. Why is it sad? because i felt it and it slapped me in the face after the anime. This power is too much for me to handle and it will throw me into my own world and back into old thomas in a heart beat. I wouldn't need human communication, i wouldnt want it. I would want to die CONSISTANTLY. the obssession will drive you nuts. and im pretty sure everyone can after watching it cause it does such a good job illustrating this power. The determination and wilpower will leaave your jaw drop. So these two nights ive been trying to fight off this adrenline rush now lol cause i want to not think anymore and i want to be naive.

This blog post was suppose to be a post saying goodbye cause i would die again because i felt as if i belong in my own world, because that is pretty much where i was born and raised but ever since sunday ive been fighting it. Trying to find reasons why i should not dive back into my comfort zone.zzz you HAVE to watch this show. lol. The confidence and power i feel within myself was such a fimiliar and welcoming place for me its been hard fighting it. It made me completely depressed last night cause i want to think again and just say..fuck people. so bad. but i dont want to dive back in..not yet.

Speaking of which im really cracking down on quitting smoking. I dont need it anymore. With the willpower locked up in a safe just in case and my adrenaline rush flowing at a low consistant pace i can do without it. I can definitely meditate sooner than i expected though if i did let myself loose but the person i would instantly turn into and the world i would be sucked into...isnt worth it. I want my fucking childhood.

Harder Better Faster Stronger

So me and trung(ob trung that goes out with le) we had a man to man talk friday night. I really liked it he hates bens guts too for his own reasons and i told him why me and him are no longer friends. This conversation started cause he brought up soky's name. lol. eh. I have much respect for that dude now and i am forced to lol @ all the people that hate me. Trung said "Alot of people hate you thomas, do you know that? I ask them why and they say...its cause hes thomas" Then he would reply "Thomas is weird sure, but thats nothing to hate him for O.o" its w/e i laugh at all the people that hate me cause the reason why all those people that openly stated to him that they hate me dont have a legit reason, is cause its their own fault. haha. Dont fuck with me and make me serious and there wont be a problem :]. It makes me feel great to know that i can naturally get not worthy people to hate me. And i grew alot of respect for trung cause he listened to me and took my mellow side with a mature response.

The adrenline rush is going great for me..i realized that it was do to the lack of that i was feeling so down on myself before. Im not angry anymore! :D my body is functioning regularly. haha it makes me :]. but yeah, i cant control my rushes at all yet. i need to learn how to calm down during my rushes but now its just there haha. sometimes excessively. *shrugs* hehe

Han han han. Her name is Emily Han. we went to a house party together but i went REALLY late cause i had to finish a paper. I got a really good tipsy off of jungle juice and beers. We were both very tipsy :P She came over and slept over with me that night and it was alot of fun :]. Like expected, she was openminded and ready to listen. I told her about Phi and why im so unstable and why Moses says i refuse to settle and im a manwhore. lol. I still disagree but you know, Emily does make a great addition to my life. Welcome.

Another new addition is this girl i felt obligated to share my thoughts with from my program. Her name is Yifei and i told her about my philosophy over a lunch that same friday cause she helped me with my paper and we were talking about chi. It was a very deep, mental, and philosophical conversation. I didn't expect it from her but it seemed as if it was right down her alley. I shared a bit with Emily as well. lol. It makes my ego bloat when i tell people i used to meditate at such a high level at the age of 14 lol.

Life is great. Living it in the present. :] I hope things keep going up up up!

143 my sister

lol well..i cant say the same for my oldest sister, Shun yi, because i rarely communicate with her but my younger on, Laurie, is awesome. Thanks to her i've stabilized but the anger and stress within me has reached its latest peek since 9th grade when i lost my memory. She slapped some sense into me with the last heart to heart conversation with her infamous quote, "dude, just drop it..like its hot.. drop it like its hot, seriously." lol idk how that worked but the mix of humor and seriousness got to me. Last documented anger probably steadied at 1/10th. I am now walking around with about 2 or 3/10ths of the anger i used to feel. Well Huy and ben made me reach like..Half. but i wasn't able to control it and it was really bipolar. Actually i wouldnt be surprised if it stabilized at 7/10ths for a bit when i went to his house cause i dont remember much but i walked from fields corner to forest hills that day..but yeah..i guess 2-3/10ths is a good stable point for the person i've become now. how angry was i before? i cannot fathom that anymore but i was so angry i wanted to kill all humanity and take my life with it, every second of the day. Thats like..anger to the fullest..pretty much pure anger/stress, idk how my old self controlled so much. Im feeling a mere 30% and underneath the smile i fake i vomit, have chest pains, and forever tired..exhausted emotionally and physically. i honestly dont know why im so angry..but im glad my sister slapped some sense into me after my last post. It was hard typing after the last post and i've been stabilizing again since. Average people without experience that are fuckin pissed and want to break someoneone's face in is probably at 4-5/10ths but they cant control it XD. Yesterday helped a bit since i was around high school friends. The problem was that the energy required to maintain such a face drained me of all energy. I slept every moment i got and i slept from 8-7:30 when i got home. Actually, just today i smoked alot more than usual and had stomach, chest and muscle fatigue. It sucks...Anger really does eat up life force. but its a very powerful emotion and when used properly it can move mountains. I just dont have the resources to use such immense ammounts yet, and i hope i never do. So thats why im just accepting it and trying to ride it out even though i go home every night wanting to see blood. lol. its a problem.

Aside from that, the feeling of loneliness has strengthened but its fine since i know im not stable at all so the feeling doesnt bother me as well cause i know its going to take me nowhere. aka..Its the least of my worries.

Good news is i feel awfully hungry on a daily basis. I actually ate four meals yday. last time i ate four meals was before the summer semester ahaha. So if anything hopefully i can gain some weight.

I've recently got into this new band called White Lies and i never favored them much but yeah.. like usual a band takes getting used to. A song i favor particularly is called "From The Stars" :]. Well...time to do two papers and two chapters of math before tomorrow. CIAO! :D

Editt:
Well, it takes awhile but it wasn't surprising. My body would only allow myself to drop for so long. ADRENLINE RUSH IS BACK! and im live and kicking *crushes a monster can on my head* GRR haha lets see how much i can control this too now. haha FUCKIN HIT ME! :D the feeling of anger and andrenline rush...its like bread and butter :]. Sigh* do i miss this feeling. :]...so unhealthy. haha this is probably the reason why i wanted to quit smoking cause i knew subconsciously with time, this will happen. i dont need to smoke anymore! ey! cause i have my adrenline rushes now haha. makes everything say shut the Fuck up! but yeahh it is a really good bonus. mmmm..haha. well back to papers. So FOCUSED now i <3 it haha