Self- esteem

I have a confession to make...I'm Pathetic. In the past i've told myself that many times and i had low self esteem . The difference was that whenever a depressing thought came to my head about my lack of ___ i would replace it with anger or expel it from my thoughts. Unfortunately, i cannot do that anymore. Im greeted by the ill emotion of depression and i have to learn how to face it. Ever since i came to Northeastern I've been comparing myself to this one guy. I truly look up to him even though he most likely does not have a clue about it. He's name is Kevin Afable. He's brilliant. Regardless of the topic or subject he has a response and a proper answer. Humble but lacking due to the fact that he is a jack of trades. He could easily admit what is wrong and just fix it. Something i have lacked my whole life. I look up to him though cause i see myself in him. Both us of have brilliant conversations and even though i dont have such a wide range of understanding as him, this could be changed. He got to where is is through bending his life to how he wants and unlike other sucess stories, i see his efforts. Usually M.I.T. people naturally have everything work for them. When alban was capatain for robotics things naturally moved much more moothly even though i feel like i could have taken his place. KUnlike them, Kevin does not quite understand the complete flow of life yet and hasnt caught the beat to have everything work for him, so he puts time and effort into everything. That is something very admirable. Looking up to someone is something completely new to me. I usually, regardless of how admirable the person was, would try to mentally put myself on their level. thats how i looked up to them...i would naturally feel the need to dominate and of course fail. With kevin, i feel obligated to stick backa and actually observe what he does. I feel like a kid. Its strange. Self-esteem comes into play because i feel pressured to learn and grow. Everytime he surpasses me i get very fustrated. Lately for once i actually know how it feels to say..i want to give up..no hope at all. Which is retarded cause even in the most weakest times in the past i always carried hope. Perhaps thats what colin sees in me. The drive. I never had any drive or essence besides the one to just.fucking.live. Iused to be like the people from the cartoons, where as long as i have hope and dont give up i will win. Now its different, when my dignity is in danger i loose all hope and just give in in order to stop the pain of losing or being defeated. This new shift n me puts me in a constant state of readiness to give up. its very annoying. I dont have anger like i used to. Self-esteem...I feel like academics cannot supply me with this and it must come from my lifestyle. i have to prove to myself that my lifestyle and the people im with, the things i say the things i do and decisions i make are right and make me smart and intellegent. I want people to see me as someone that is needed. I want to be a legend. i truly want to be AWESOME. ICH WILL.

Consideration

With much consideration, I've decided to write another blog post. I dont know to say. My life consist of responsibilities and obligations right now that i must consider. College is great. I went to my first college party in september and thats when my life went on a tangent. from there i found a motivation. not a strong one but a steady one.im just dropping thoughts. blah life pretty much consist of pool hw and stress. lots of stress. the gnawing feeling happens every so often. somewhere inbetween this entry and the last i began to smoke. i think its bad. idc. lol i need a haircut, ever since laurie left for australia in august my hair hasnt been cut. i look like a wild bush. ummm...fuck. i feel like crap cause im doing bad in school. and im kicking myself cause its all my fault and im blaming myself from a third person view when actually i have complete control over my problems. im just too lazy to just do my work and make myself less stressed. idk. do i like stress? another train of thought. Pharmacy girls. they're annoying. at first i thought they were going to be my new groupie. ehh they all got tired of me. i got tired of them. lot of people dont really like me in northeastern besides kevin nd some other asian dudes. Am i annoying? eh most likely. I want to say i dont care. but apparently i do cause that kinda adds to the stress... lack of acceptance underneath the self reassurance that im awesome. Image is fading. Mind is weak. I wonder if i'm ever going to be content with living. blah.train of thought. Materialism. Its growing. laptop itouch, i owe close to 100 dollars worth of money to people. kevin kelly don and mike. oh train of thought. i started taking ballroom. like usual im not natural with it. ehhh train of thought. sycellia? its a pretty name. she works in the pool room and we talked couple times. first multiple times was with me starting just hi hows your day oh thats nice pool table please? then she came up to me randomly one day and thanked me cause im very patient and stuff witht he pool table. after that i started talking to her. she helped me find a job there. yay. shes a cool person. just like all the other girls i've sorta clicked with though. shes older than me. meh. i have a fetish for older girls. lol they are more free spirited. digression. I only use one contact now, its been like that for pass couple weeks. my right contact ripped. oh weel one eye is enough. Reminiscing. Richard drew me for his manga. i look really badass. funny thing is something tells me he knows more about the old me than i thought. i guess it just bled from my personality. in the manga i am who i was. always laughing but i weilded a dangerous weapon. adrenline rush. the grimace.It was the side of me that was a killer. I truely fantasized abot running through forest hills with a knife neatly carving. old thomas. fucking humans. I am human now. Digression. Being human is fun. i feel pain. If someone lies to me i feel betrayed. i feel a part of this world. meh. Conclusion. Life is a mess of thoughts right now this was the best way i can portray them. Picture. 18 year old male asian. Confused. Annoyed. New digression after conclusion. Music shows who i am right? never thought i would see the day. i cant listen to metal on a daily basis anymore. The smiths. Phoenix and the whitest boy alive the strokes bloc party yeah... late 90's bands trying to bring back the indie soun but keep a tang of punk. It sounds awesome. Im looking into interpol right now. Stage? isolation. mood. indifferent. craving. love.

June 28th.

Ive been waiting for today for a couple of weeks now. I hope this would be one of the best Entries i ever wrote because this one is suppose to express optimism and a new life. The great thing about this entry is that it speaks in past tense. Exactly one year ago on this date, at 7am. I was at the Airport waiting for a coach bus to get me to Northfield Mount Hermon. I would never forget my group of friends i met there. Alex, Luis, ngoc, liz, Lucky, Fiko, Kubra, Seda, Mayra, heather, mary, everyone else in lower north crosley dorm, and of course Selin. Alex and Luis were my right hand men, they were my best friends i never had and if they were in Boston we would wreck the place together and everyday would be as awesome as it was in NMH. NMH was relaxed so it was a great balance between academics and relaxation, there was a lot of work, but there was always enough time for over-achievement if wanted. This way, unlike here, no one could ever notice i had a 2.0 GPA, they all expected me to be at least a 3.7 like everyone else. I constantly over-achieved there because i felt obligated to and it was great. I remember we had the weekend off and just hung out, but after the third day we started classes and by the second day of class i knew me and Selin were going to get very close. Since the whole place was so laid back, old thomas was. nonexistent. Old Thomas wouldn't be able to maintain himself in such a pleasant world. At least that's what I thought, but that started much later. Selin caught my eyes the second day of class because of her demeanor and she stood out exceptionally because of a poem she presented to the class. I could have wished for nothing more during the program when that class ended. It was great to feel human without any guilt because Old thomas had no anger to thrive on whatsoever in that place. Every day it was, wake up at 7 images of self until 9. Chill for an hour and a half, guitar, tennis, 30 min break, then lunch and chill time until 6 because that was dinner. I think..idk. but after that was study hall shortly after. i believe from 7-10 or something like that was study hall. Then after that was chill time until 11:30 then lights out. Me and selin constantly took walks everyday after 11. It was a beautiful walk every time, even though sometimes we would have nothing to talk about because we got to know everything about each other up to present day by the time the program was over. The stars were always populating the sky like something you see on NASA. On weekends we had no classes, and Wednesdays classes were shorter and we were done with classes by noon. I remember working out with Luis and alex almost everyday starting the second week. IT was a very nice gym. they didnt have many machines but unlike the Y here, they were all very handy and targeted all the useful muscles. Someone really experienced in working out probably set up the gym so that one would feel as if they have not done a full workout unless they used the entire gym. I did that once on a weekend, working out for 6 hours at days where Old thomas found a peephole. On weekend mornings ill wake up and look into Selin's window and say hello, sometimes she was awake, but her roommate was usually always awake when Selin is still asleep and we became very fond of each other, because she understood how much i liked selin. But if it was too early and the blinds are still down, (she slept on the first floor and since i couldn't go into the girl's dorm i had to look through the window Creepy? probably. By the time the third week went by though, it was almost norm cause everyone knew me and selin had something going on and we conversant through the window many times.) I would go far into the campus where my class was, it was very empty there and whenever i was a field it was never smaller than half a football field. Well there was a field near my first classes and i noticed there was a nice little hill there, just enough elevation to not have the sun in my eyes and on mornings when i woke up at 7 on instinct, id lay there for hours. looking at the clouds. It was a beautiful view because the whole campus was on a big hill so the clouds felt really close. Every morning we would walk to breakfast in a fog that left us incapable of seeing 10 ft ahead of us. But at that hill, where i rested, i became truly content with myself. I've fulfilled a life goal by laying on that ill, and i miss still miss it dearly. Trouble didn't start to arise and conflict didn't begin to pick at the close bond between me and selin until late in the third week. Everyone knew me and selin were probably one of the few real relationships(if that made sense, since it was a one month program) but one of the loyalest of relationships in the program (there were plenty). One guy, I've never spoke his name to anyone since the program, not even Selin. because on the third week, probably earlier than that he began to seriously try to court Selin, and tear me and her apart. That is when Old Thomas came out. Clashing with the weak human Thomas there it formed depression, something i havent felt in such a loong time, jealousy, anger, and confusion. Throughout the program, selin refused to actually hold my hand or show common signs of affection around others because she didnt want to get too attatched. She said she wanted to just stay friends. There were several serious conversations that involved us staying friends because getting close would do us no good. It became complicated when i saw this other guy step into the picture and oh the mistakes i've made. We were friends before that situation and i remember walking into his room once after me and selin had another "friend talk" he said 'you know, do you still like Selin? because i want t have her if you dont" and yeah..drove me nuts but i said...no go ahead. and ever since then i ignored him. And i feel bad because after that day. Selin saw that i was getting jealous and i didnt know how to hold myself back and idk why i didn't just talk to the guy, i couldn't get myself to. I wanted to apologize to him. Apparently Selin rejected him because one day when me and selin were taking a walk..the beginning of 4th week....we sat down, and she began to apologize and stuff. I felt really bad because he was actually smarter and just as cool as me, i shouldn't have made her be the one to decide. but she started to cry and then we suddenly started to make out. and she cried some more. and i didn't know what to do cause by that time the tension was soo apparent by him i couldn't look into his eyes and Selin was clearly purposely sitting with me. I wanted her to be free and meet whoever she please since it was her only month in America. I felt really bad. I want to apologize to Ronald. After that, Ronald continued trying, but less obviously and i tried to ignore them when they talked. But since that day we sat at the steps of the place farther than the hill i laid at. we grew closer and yeah. Up to the last day, me and ronald had an unspoken feud. It drove me nuts. in between though there were great moments that made everything right again. Those days when me and alex and luis biked the entire day because it was a weekend and almost everyone on the campus were on a trip to new york, people left their bikes so we stole them and rode the entire day away. We actually managed to ride outside of the campus, but it became a highway so we didnt go any further. Then there was a priod of time when we were at the "Exit" which was a highway and one of the people that joined me and alex biking yelled CAR and we started to BOLT on bikes. one guy fell and we left him because we were so terrified that it was admin. The car followed us the entire way and my legs were so exhausted going up and down those hills, through grass. the van followed us everywhere. Me alex and luis sped into a alleyway and hoped they didnt see us, it was probably the only alleyway on campus since the campus was so spread out. The van past and we continued on our way biking. lol. We found the other guys and the one that we left behind they said it was a bunch of just random people that lived in the area and that they were laughing at us. haha. it was a great thrilling experience though. BIKE OR DIE XD. Another great experience was the day when me and luis played ping pong all day. We were both noobs that helped each other get better and since we were on each others level we made sure to play each other as much as possible. I ended up surpassing him :P beating my first and only other person in a official match by One point. It felt great. Everyone became so pro at ping pong in a matter of a month it was the game of the campus. Another fun day was that day there ws a lightning storm, i wanted to work out but they wouldnt let anyone out of campus. Since the landscape was so high, it became a really hazard to walk out with a lightning storm. Instead Everyone in our dorm, girls guys lower north and higher north crowsley EVERYONE thats like..8 floors of people. lol 2 covered lower north (the one i was in) and 2 covered upper north (the 3rd and 4th floor) and the same for girls....except the girls dorm was called South crowsley.girls and guys were separated. the Whole dorm with everyone combined is called the Crowsley dorm. Any who everyone was down in the lobby (the only place in the dorm where its okay for guys and girls to mingle if its not class time or study hall) and we all watched American pie.beta house. LOL it was a disgusting movie LOL. Yep, it was a great month. it felt like i knew the people for years. The girl i mentioned, ngoc, she was like..best friends with Liz and they just met but they were like..bffls. It was soo apparent that Ngoc(everyone called her tron during the trip because she said call me TRON like Elec-tron), turns out her name is TRAN lol not TRON..i found this out after i got home and found her facebook and i mentioned it to her and she was like i said Tran!! XD) Shes a ditz and a great great person, totally compatible and she had a huge crush on me. She was super like..innocent and when i was around it was so obvious >.>. I ignored it though cause Selin was all i needed. I pretended as if i was completely blind and she respected my blind-ness because if i was to put myself in her shoes, id say she was probably thinking that me and selin looked so adorable togehter she wouldnt want to ruin it. lol cause she is SO like that. I do miss her innocent personality. i would like her here in boston cause she is smarter cuter and better than ALOT of asian girls here. but at nmh she was considered mediocre. All the girls and guys were totally cool and since it was such a small community there would be times i would have a serious conversation with someone i knew nothing about except their name. It was great atmosphere. I met many people by doing that. I thought i had to add her into this entry though, because she was in my first class and we became really great friends she threw TONS of green lights at me and like..you can tell she watched one too many disney movies XD it was all too adorable. lol. There were guys like jackson. He actually matches his name. Hes a year younger than me, like most people here and hes black and short and the most JACKED dude ive ever seen. like hes at the gym and hes half my size but once he gets warmed up his muscles expand and he looks HUGE like..dude youre half my size but right now i get this feeling youre taller than me because like..yeah..he was THAT jacked. lol. but he was completely harmless and he picked up all the European girls cause he was black. LOL. he had a size pack like none ive ever seen, it was seriously..disgusting. lol. but yeah..Alex is coming to boston next friday!! i dont want to miss this for the world. lol Hes coming to boston because one of his friends is going to a harvard orientation and hes hoping to be able to dorm with them or something? XDD. but yeah. Tribute to nmh! omg..and i forgot about Qui and Jay. lol they were like..the twins of the place even though they weren't brothers they were really close friends that met there and ironically both of them had names that were a part of the alphabet lol. they were the dudes that stuck together through and through. The guys yu needed when you needed a funny pair. XD i miss them too. Well, i can write forever about NMH cause it was a AWESOME month. but yeah. Sorry Ronald. and Alex, Luis and Selin. you guys are far beyond badass. OMG and i forgot about Grant! he was a floor below me on dorm and he hung out with Jackson a lot. its funny cause they are COMPLETELY different Grant is like..kinda to himself suburban like tall skinny and white. and grant is super short jacked as hell and black. By the second week they earned the nickname Hootsie cup when they were together (the icecream cup you got with the blend of chocolate and vanilla) and when they were separate id call them chocolate and vanilla xD

Seasons.

The feeling of a thousand sick mortals made into me. So much wisdom, but oh do they die slow!
I wrote this quote perhaps, 4 years ago. Each human suffering from their own unique sickness, and each of them learning unique things due to their struggles. I am one man that has survived through multiple sicknesses, that i remember almost too vividly now due to the dreams I've been having. I've been wanting to write a entry in reflecting these past 2 days i did not sleep....I want to but i cannot. I do realize that ive almost wrote more entries on my blog these past two months than i ever had in one year for the past 3 years. I've become much more open with myself, less need to scream it out to people, and more free will enjoyment. When i feel like this..the need to scream it to the world, i hate it. I choke up. Im glad that the new thomas had a chance to type as much as he wanted without feeling any moral restraint, that he was able to live and feel like a guy in a straight path. Hopefully this is just a phase. Hopefully this isnt to stay. I did miss the old days, but never when i was experience it did i want it. Im beating around the bush cause i dont want to type. but i want to at the same time. fml. I've been looking into bushido, like i did in the old days. Its funny how i live by the way of bushido, in a sense, without having any knowledge of kendo. I understand their respect for the sword though, and i feel it through and through. Even the strongest of hearts, must put their trust into something beside themselves. Therefore they put it unto their swords and their family. I always thought i was a Samurai in my past life, Perhaps i died with the wakizashi in my gut. speaking of japanese culture, i found the translations for that song i have on my page. I cant find another translation that matches it close enough though so i will not post it for memories caue im not sure how precise it is. Ima just post this shit.

P.s.

So...in about 30 mins..im going to go work with my parents on a nightshift...and might get home around noon tomorrow. I just want to say, i've respected them with my life. And treated them like the closest friends. But i honestly hate their guts and even though i respect them i cannot love them for they never did do any parenting. They have no idea phi even exist. All they see is this little boy that never changed and ive tried to live happily in this household, accepting my role as the POS my dad and mom keeps reminding me i am. It okay. I just..this is a great turn of events cause the old thomas would have never helped them, cause they havent really earned my physical help as a person. Sure they've earned my loyalty and ears when they have something to say. But old thomas would have never allowed them to put me to such work, cause the job they work at, isnt going to teach me shit. Im going to be up for the next 12 hours + straight scrubbing off layers of grease off restaurant kitchens. If i do this work, this is telling them this is what i do and im fit for this job. That is basically completely kneeling to their shit that theyve thrown at me. I, as a new thomas. Will say to my blog and fellow readers. Idk. Idk why im such a douchebag and just willnot accept the task of helping my parents when they are hurt. Its probably because the only discipline i remembe them giving me is when i cried and yelled at my dad "IM ALLERGIC TO APPLES STOP MAKING ME EAT THEM" and he'll be like "shut the fuck up" and try to stick it in my mouth cause he just believed that i made myself allerigc and if i ate enough the allergies would go away. I hate my dad, and my mom. id never forgive them for the false discipline and not being the parents i can go to when i needed guidance. all my growth was due to self and rebeling against them. Im a fucking shitbox. But, idk. tonight im going to help them. Because maybe..just MAybe hopefully once i hop in that car and tell them, "i understand your burdens, you dont need to put me in situations like this to discipline me anymore cause quite frankly, you missed more than 8 years of my life and you dont even know it" They would listen. Thats just a miracle though. Most likely they would take that opprotinuty to yell at me though, and say "you see this is what we have to go through for you". I never said i didn't understand that..i respect you guys for that, mom and dad. Its just that You are like friends to me and your doing your purpose in life as i do mine, You had your chance to lend me a helping hand 10-15 years ago. Now im a rebel and i love it. So. im going to help them..idk why this is such a big deal and idk why im doing it. But probably because i feel bad for them because they will die before me and i want to show them im the son they wanted me to be, even though they dont see it. I had a vision i would change this family. And i will do it. Theres enough anger in this house to drive someone mad. Id hate for this to be inherited by the future generations.

The Ocean

I need some more music in my life. This song, by Led Zep, is about the band singing to their Ocean of fans. Millions of people. Its a really just laid back cool song...

..Just Listen.

Time flies when you're having fun

It's true, time flies when you're having fun. Its almost 4 am but no sunrise nor birds chirping. Cars are starting to run outside though. Insomnia hasnt recoiled yet.I just finished the movie 7 pounds, feturing one of(if not then IS) my favorite actors, Will smith. He portrayed his emotions VERY nicely through the entire movie. It confused me until the end why he actded like so though but in the end it made sense. I wont spoil it for anyone, just watch it. And for future thomas, if i write a blog about a movie, that means its good, so watch it again! XD. since i havent blogged in a while and feel quite guilty, lets jump back a bit. Sign out day, June 10. I got so many pictures with people it was awesome. after i signed out i believe i...i dont remember. lol its late and im in old thomas phase. He's dying. lol not much anger left in present time nor is there many memories left. Just alott of patience and a heavy feeling. The feeling of burden that i would get until the end of time. lol I got used to it though i guess. Everything i need is with morning thomas, pretty much..drifting thoughts right now will be absorbed in the morning. Anywho, moving onto june 12th. Graduation day. It was awesome i went to pick up the suit i didnt end up wearing and got to the BU track feild and tennis center at exactly 7 when i was suppose to be there at 6. They started to walk about 5 mins after i got there. graduation was great i felt estatic and im glad my family made it and all my friends did as well. To be honest, 3-5 years ago i didnt expect to graduate from highschool, cause the mental breakdowns woulda put me ina mental asylum or dead. but im glad i made it in one peice and heading to a fairly prestigious college. I dont know how i did it put i came out of another one with a miracle. well, after grad i hung out with Don, moses, raymond and this new girl i met named hang. Shes very friendly and compatible we talked alot and laughed alot during the bls grad, which was june...8? lol. yes june 8, the same day as my anti prom. we ate at unos and i decided to sleep over dons cause we were done around late 11pm and still very much in BU area. I decided not to pursue my future with jannie. Yes, i wrote it. lol. this thought came about when my sister told me to choose, cause 1) i was going in circles and stressing over overly-human issues and 2) old thomas would have definitely eliminated this problem and actually, prevented it from occuring a longg time ago. this problem being the problem of deciding what i should do when affection is invited to the field. Nono. lol. June 13? i believe i was out again cause i promised monica to hang out with her and celebrate hermans bday with her. they kept taking turns giving me wet willies as i was the third wheel -_- so immaturely disgusting. june 14 i went to a grad party to celebrate kevins graduation. i didnt get home until midnight and brought lauren home with me (literally not metaphorically) lol. she couldnt get home in time and she stayed over until about 6 pm so it was a good 24 hours with her. I went out to eat with fam too cause they didnt get a chane to celebrate my graduation on the day of my graduation. Now it is june 15 and it is banquet day! yayy. im on a boat andd..ill update my blog andd..okay ill stop. lol. sigh* thoughts and ranting section...GO!
my opportunity passed. lol and it was as i predicted: a success. i was neither human nor..w/e lol. Very mutual. idk how i did it..probably it was because of that contract i signed the first time we met. ehh..still not going to type what the opportunity is cause well, thats the joy of bad memory ill look back at this in the future and if i needed to remember it i will, if not good ridance. lol. my insomnia is so weird, i sleep so little and yet im getting by very well. I understand why though. I told you that i knew how to meditate with old thomas but not new thomas right? well, even though i dont know how to meditate a) me at night is TECHNICALLY the closest ill get to the mindset and aura i had back when i could meditate and b) since the old thomas has become soo.empty and new thomas helped clean up the bumps. its very easy to meditate now. so who knows, im probably mildy meditating right now. I dont knoww cause i cant control nor understand it since it IS different. but it would explain why i dont need to sleep. lol. and since im so used to the heavy meditating, the type that could actually drian my energy, such a weak meditation would simply itch the bite lol. im tired though...sooo ttyl! ive estimated my human to hit climax in about a little more than 3/4 a year. :] im excited to see if my estimate is right.