hopefail?

so right, for the past month ive been injected with motivation and determination..source?..the drive to just fuckin do. Ive been introduced to something new though, that which i had experience several times so far. And just like the other things ive experienced that i cannot find online or in any book, i give it a name myself. One that metaphorically makes the most sense. I call this one Drowning. why?. because 1) its nothing good and 2) every time i experience it it gets worse and worse. like water filling up into your lungs. Cause literally my thoughts stop and stress builds up to the past Thomas level, one that a human mind like mine now can no longer even comprehend. lol. It basically feels like that feeling when you just cant fuckin find a comfortable position to sleep. And as you try to fix it, you provoke it even more. and it just gets worse. At the moment, its the only thing that stops me from going full throttle that i know of. All other obstacles have become. Obsolete. This type of isolation is such a high level that it cannot be classified as high or low because unlike the isolation that happened a couple years back, in which i MADE. This happened rather naturally through my body language and just..plan lifestyle. It became so perfect that noone really cares about me anymore. Which is fascinating. um. the question thats actually growing now. Is how long im planning to live. Nothing depressing much. Just stressful because it reminds me that for a boy of my age, i shouldnt feel as if i experienced everything avalible in life. or even close to it. its sad. Poor me. I started with 60-70, But with these drownings ive lowered the age to 55 lol. Ill be happy if i live 55 years.

Wow.

Im reading all this like Bleh. lol. nothing much to say because im considerably stable now, For the past two weeks ive been "hatching" so to speak because ive been able to remember memories and stuff, but they are actually in a pure light. SO its pretty much like recycling fuel? i guess? lol Ive also learned attraction again and like i expected, i accept it and actually bonded with someone from my 2nd year summer search trip very well. Her name is Selin and she is currently in turkey. lol. It has been a little more than a month since i got back from my program, it ended on aug 2nd. But yeah i still hold affection for her, and ive decided to not touch it at all. So i will continue having affection for her until she tells me not to. well idk what mre to say, im in a stage where ive COMPLETELY rid Her of my life in the sense where seeing her is no problem. Though i still hold a bit of Anger for her actually, it doesnt oppose a problem. iv gotten much stronger physically because i went through a stage where i thought i should switch things around and boost my mental, physically. So i got close to a 6 pack and can curl about 30. i dont want to write too much but yeah. Lifes great.

A Free Man

Friday March 14. The longest 2 years and 4 months. lol. I'm listening to Guns and Roses- Paradise City while typing this entry and god fucking damn do i feel good. lol 2 days ago i once again risked everything i had so that i can come to this stage. Although there are small times now when i miss her, due to the memories. I'm proud to present that after a long 7 years (start of steppingstone) to now Ive finally truly in arms reach of my life goal. ahh yess TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE GIRLS ARE PRETTY. TAKE ME HOMEEEE. lol. The music i listen to reflects my personality during the time and i notice a HUGE difference from my past preference of music to present. yeah, now its more of a happy "living life" music cause of the 80's oldies. mm...what do i have to say? I actually consider myself a genius, because i was able to take complete control of my world even though during that time i had to fight to barely fit in. Ive grown from a "i wanna kill myself because of this shit" to a "Nothing you throw at me can make me stray". Ive just noticed though, because it really puzzled me exactly WHYYY people dont see how much ive gone through. and im leaving it with the theory that people that dont have to think and change their thoughts so much, have a stronger bond between body mind and thoughts. unlike me, which my thoughts became shattered and loose but because i was able to strengthen the bond, it actually surpasses the normal mind. Its just like the structure of the human muscles. Once you pull them or strain them, they hurt like a bitch but in the end it actually gets stronger to avoid that from happening again. So yep, average people didnt have to do that extra step and just advanced the whole way. They jogged the whole way at a consistant rate, while i fell back and had to sprint the whole way to catch up. lol. and to think i did it in 7 years isnt half bad either. Since i basically used the BARE minimum of resources, knowing that i didnt even experience how it is to be a adult yet. so i had a whole 40 years of new experiences left to fuel my knowledge be4 i retired. lol. not bad thomas not bad. Well enough of the cockness. Im happy that all that im fighting is my silly self, and this is like a walk in the part once i gain a bit more confidence, so ill put it off to the side a bit. Cause i know i can beat myself to how i want, hands down because it was ESSENTIAL back then XD like...if i couldnt do t yeah..game over. SO hummm...whats next in the book?. i need to make a new goal in life. LOL. and i need to find a new solid motivation besides my own confidence, because that economy has proven to be not so effective. i also need to learn how to become a human. Its something that will suck, but being a thinker doesnt really do any good if i dont use them against all the ignorant people in this world. Which means ima have to jump into the game and get some grades. probably a chunk of smart people and connections grow a future and kick some ignorant ass. XD. If i continue working solo that will work too, but ill be slow and ehh. Well time for reality what do i have?. failure grades. failure life. humm...WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WHILE I WAS GONE THOMAS EHH?! lol. w/e well think of something. lol (talks to self) XD. Like no jokes for some reason when i looked at my report card yday i felt surprised, even though i lived through it, i guess my mind was truely focused on more imporant things. *sigh* lalala well im happy.

in my shoes

today was fucked up. I had a flashback that shook me a bit. I remembered the time when i realized that everything in my life that happened so far was fate. Honestly, to a human its virtually IMPOSSIBLE to see it but being born into it i had to learn it, for i was a puppet that had to understand its puppeteer. Even before i met HER me and my sisters established that i was a odd one, Academically and mentally. With my mind weak due to age, it was directly linked to something my sisters defined as "very strong intuition" when i was about 6. I spent most of my life understanding the feelings my mind gave off, because i knew they related to the situation, but didn't understand what it was saying. Feelings of sudden worry, disbelief, happiness, sadness and tons of other emotions were linked to different words. This then gave me a good idea what my body was trying to warn me about. Depending on the strength of the feeling, it measured the time i had for the situation to take place. It sounds simple now but before it was VERY difficult because it wasn't just an emotion and a word. The emotions were mixed with a small amount of stress. the stress is what separated the emotions i normally felt to the warnings because since stress was mixed with all of them it was harder to tell which was which. now that i remember it, All the feelings i would feel during that situation would be compacted and thrown at me whole with a touch of stress. So that i would know exactly how to take position. Stress was a VERY vital part in the process because it helped me actually REALIZE the warning because if it wasn't for the stress, it could be easily mistaken for a reaction due to a memory, or anything else. Not only that, i became a angry/ bipolar child because of this ability. The stress would forever be present, to know that my "intuition" was still there. Over the years it became the generator of my emotions and thoughts. without that current flow of stress it'd be exactly like a bad case of writers block for me except with everything. Since it was the generator, It also prevented me from doing well in school. Since it constantly caused fluxing in my emotions, most of the time it never worked in my favor and rarely would i get the surge of "motivation". motivation was a emotion to me that i learned before i even turned 7. Being able to do work almost 20x better than i normally do, it was the god of all emotions. Many times did i save myself from disasters because of my ability but it frustrated me cause i could not control it. Doing all of this took ALOT of time and patience. Since i had to wait for my intuition to hit before i can analyze and understand it. I was 6 before i understood my first. This became very hard on me because i could not talk or even think about talking about this to anyone until just recently (15 years old). For my intuition was unstable, and whenever i tried to tell someone, my whole mind would go blank and it would leave me in the "writers block" feeling. To describe it better, it would be as if your mind is separated from your body, because you see your body moving but it doesn't seem like its you. In this stage, i would not be able to do any deep thinking and i labeled it "the punishment". So impossible to tell my parents why my grades are so irrational i was constantly beaten, adding on to the steady (necessary but damaging) flow of stress i became a angry child. Once i met HER my world of mentality broadened by 100 fold. Learning how to literally move the stress and compact it or use it. It was evolution of the mind. I had to do it though, because even though i learned to manipulate and move thoughts by the age of 11, it wasn't enough because the amount of stress coming in was FAR greater than the amount i can possibly let go at once without hurting myself. I could hurt myself by overworking my head and actually risk having my mind just crash. It happened several times. Its when you forget who you are and your 100% open to anything bad coming at you. Since i was in L, that wasn't an option for me, because if it happened too many times id probably accidentally commit suicide. There were other things, but i never really tried because there was just this HUGE feeling that stopped me when i knew i was working my mind too far. if i was working my mind too far and id literally get anxious and scared id try to toss all the thoughts to the side(took several hours) or played computer games, which was best for a little boy. Well it went on from focusing on building a defence for my mind after several years, to clearing up and looking around me. I began to see the sunlight and observe everything else around me besides the memories and emotions in my head. At 9Th grade I got to such a high and quick point of analyzing, that i hated people. i hated everyone because i truly saw everything differently. I found TONS of solutions of societies problems and solutions in peoples problems. But still, i was stopped from telling ANYONE. It frustrated me. Because stress played a role with me ever since i was a little boy, i grew up to completely master it. Being able to walk down the streets everyday just made me smarter, because i learned to DEFINE the emotion of stress by analyzing and actually separating it from the whole "intuition" feeling. Doing so it gave me the core aura of STRESS. When i knew exactly what stress was, i was about to take it from people on the streets by listening to them, by seeing people mad. not remembering anything but the feeling of anger id use it to fuel my economy. Id go into motivation, healing my body/making a wound numb, heating my body in below freezing temperatures, and CONFIDENCE. cause confidence was the main currency of the mental world. without confidence NONE of this development would have even continued, after SHE came around. So my economy was simple and steady the use of stress for confidence, better grades, better life, and great future. i was literally, perfect. Then i gave it all up. Because i learned that i do not hate everyone, in fact all of this happened because i loved someone with all my life. Today i can say all of this without even feeling an ounce of writers block or awkward "detatch of soul and body" because i had SO much power in 9th grade that once i threw it away (which meant i had to DOUBLE it in a SHORT amount of time) all my skills and thoughts flew threw my head at once and i was a genius that could probably learn calculus when i was in 9th grade then it shrunk over night and exploded. lol. in doing this, it allowed my mind to TAKE over with a HUGE price. so now i know that although i just remembered all this, my intuition no longer has control over me, because i did something so unexpected. Cause of that, its impossible to get so high now, since i can talk about it so freely, ruining the essence of it all. I can still get pretty powerful again. And right now id say im only 10% there or less

When you learn to literally pick ideas apart to capture all the true essences. It truly becomes a universal skill.

fuck

Well,now its beginning to become a natural think to think during the day. It kinda drifted into play cause i noticed that Ive been doing even before this entry. now i start to think on a more moderate stage. Less about just humans and more about the world as a whole. I write this entry because today i can confidently say that its over. Ive become a thinker, have some decent morals in front of me, and i can tell myself that i do not love her. Now Ive been throwing that word around a lot subconsciously, and its really annoying me. It also annoys me how I'm growing to be really cocky. Before i used to NEVER be cocky, because i believed that the cocky saw that they had something better than someone else. It was just wrong.so the reason why im writing this entry actually happened several days ago but the effect just hit me now. I went on her facebook, and i scroll through her pictures and i see nothing but a face.The feeling of loneliness hit me quick and the almost-unfamiliar emotion gave me a big shiver. yeah it just hit me now that probably after the process, i never did L her again. It was probably just a memory that clung on. So this whole time i didn't L her and this was all just a mental game? eh. thats pretty funny. But i should be used to it now, mental games that is. Yeah what sucks is then i remember that im attracted to this other girl and i hit myself like..ew she is nothing compared to her. lol. UGH emotions are so unnecessary because of 3 days ago i remembered how it felt to be lonely. *sigh* w/e...game over..idk what to do now. ive accomplished my life goal. lol. I feel kinda lonely :[...it sucks. But im happy cause my 7 years of life didnt go to waste. well..yep..what to do now?. btwif i had a chance, for her, id do it all over again XD LOL....which sounds physically and mentally impossible but yeah. hell i dont se what i have to loose XD

tell me that story again, one more time.

There really isnt much to say anymore. Im walking on a endless highway clinging onto nothing but the thought that a miracle might happen and there is hope to come. This is a rather depressing entry so ill keep it brief so that i dont get tempted to erase it. What sucks is that ive even lost interest at wanting to scream on the top of my lungs out to everyone. zzz Honestly i have no clue whats pushing me forward. Im feeding off my memories because im too pathetic and tired to create new ones. Basically, i wish to trap myself in the pathetic vacuum in which i just pulled out of because its the best way to kill time. I dont know when this happened but ive lost interest in LIFE. the only interest i keep in it is the infinte possibilities it holds, and the fact that it is possible for a guy like me to get hit by just one more. This blog...is pointless as well.. its a pathetic way to convince myself that im "trying to express myself" when its clearly a self evaluation of that point in time.

Today is chinese new years and it truely has been a blast. it reminded me that its only been about 5 years ever since my life turned upside down. Sounds rather pathetic since man lives for more than 10x longer than that and i already cant handle such a small feat. the funny thing is it all happened just because i asked someone to be happy. i suffered for as long as i remember, because i asked 1 person to be happy. How rediculous does that sound? ugh. I loved it though. its only been 1/40th of my life but ive learned much about this world. Ive learned as well that somethings are priceless and when things cant be bought, they cant be sold either. my love for you is faint, but i do truely love you. I have much to tell you and if you read this blog then you know you are worthy of hearing it. Because you care enough to keep up with my life as much as i wish to with yours. zzzz..im sorry....but that email i sent you 2 years ago was no bluff. And much has happened ever since then you dont know of so i wish to tell you everything. And somethings telling me that i wont have much time to tell you so im posting this blog now just in case. zzzz...after several years ive managed to say the word love with a minor twitch, but something still holds me back from saying your name.phi. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ill stop now before i delete it. im so sorry. for ruining your life.

Screaming Laughter

Now this is what happens, i talk to people and they listen and respond. more than 90% of the time while talking i think of/remember things hat i usually couldn't. Today for some reason, after i got home my parents were asking for my report card again. i made a fake one and showed them it. Though it was going against all my morals i had no other choice because i didn't have the original, and didn't want to show them. So i felt really guilty...but tell me why my parents were asking for it again. My mom she said "i just want to look at it again, because it doesn't look like you". for some reason my body took control and i got so ma i stormed away. it was probably because fake or not, they did this a lot. I started off the worst child and never since they thought of me as nothing else. i had few instances in which i physically showed them so idono why i got mad. Probably it was just because i know that if i really did do that good, they wouldn't believe it anyways, and they will be like, "it doesnt matter anyways, cause your gunna drop next term..its always like that". They actually said that to me quite a few times, there were times when i proved them wrong and other times when i didnt. It just gets so fucking annoying how im always inferior in the family. its like a pathetic clique in this fucking house. Whats worst is they only see the same image of me 16 years, they dont know anything besides the fact i used to wet my sheets and never liked to study. Thats really all it is. *shrugs* probably its just me but when your 16 and your parents still have the image that "all my son wants to do is play play play play" is really fucking annoying cause they dont know shit. So on other note today sucked balls, i had to go to robotics and stare at this guy from MIT. He had a very ignorant shirt on saying "I wish i was human again!". kinda pissed me off. Before that, i was trying to find ben cause he was gunna go play guitar hero(i had to go tell epople in robotics that i wouldnt be there) turns out he left me. While i was looking for him though, i had to go to dudley and i had a skateboard in one hand and a headphone in the right ear. Some fucking obnoxious like, sophmore/freshmen black guys were like sup jackie-chan(said as a insult). I didnt hear them at first cause of my music but i realized 2 seconds later..looked over my shoulder and gave them a look like w/e dudes. Tell me why right after that that i heard one of them say something like, "he better not turn around cause ima knock him out". lmfao...now they were scrawnier than me and i had a heavy bookbag on and a skateboard. They were so ucking lucky i was too consentrated on my music and finding ben cause if i didnt have my ipod in my pocket or needed to find ben, i woulda turned around and been like. "so what?". Honestly i fucking hate this society, its all image. HE probably just said that to impress his friends, knowing that he could get some rep screwing with someone he knows is higher than him. Because obviously the higher people wont talk back and go down to their level, so he thinks hes fucking cool. skateboards are very easy to swing around with your hands cause its fairly light. i was holding it sideways but in like a split second i could twist it in my hand and hold it by the truck so its longer and swing it. that guy and his two other fuckin scrawny friends wouldnt have a jaw. You just dont fuck with people that have weapons in their hands. My bookbag could have been considered a weapon. And if i didnt use it as a weapon i coulda droped it and just went with the skateboard, cause i had like 2 textbooks weighing me down. Im probably all talk now but damn, i wish i did do it. zzz omfg typing it right now pisses the fucking shit out of me. xD. fucking humans